^{All photoshops courtesy Low Commander}

Welcome to the second day of the Second Annual DFO Hate Week™, brought to you by Levonorgestrel, a lack of self-awareness, and Gillette!

Today, we discuss the Patriots. You might remember them from such attempted schadenfreudes as:

Super Bowl XLIX,

and Super Bowl LI.

So, how many rings is that, Tom?

/has small rage stroke

I’m going back a year to quote litre_cola:

The Superb Owl they beat the Iggles has fueled my hate forever. 1 Superb owl appearance in my adulthood and I get that shit burger.

It seems fortune has dealt you another hand, albeit 15 years later, and…oh – what’s that, Al Riveron?

I see. I sometimes forget there are two sets of rules in the NFL.

ESPN tried taking the Patriots down a peg with their ‘insightful’ story about the Kraft – Belichick – Brady dynamic, and all that served to do was make the Patriots look like victims of a cold, calculating media that hates successful people.

HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN?! As of today’s date, that article has 1597 comments from a highly aggrieved fan base, each more insightful than the last.

with a sampling of the MAGA crowd’s opinion as well.

But I don’t want to dwell on just the fans, because God forbid you investigate something enjoyed by the Irish.

https://vimeo.com/208740229

Good luck starting your car, Seth.

While I’m on the subject of his fucking majesty,

we all agree that there is some shady accounting going on with the Patriots & Tommy’s salary, right? For the 2017 season, Spotrac says Dreamboat played for $1 million, after receiving a $13 million signing bonus, for a grand total of $14 million, an 8.5% cap hit. That tied him for

1. Joe Flacco, Baltimore, $24.55 million
2. Carson Palmer, Arizona, $24.125 million
3. Kirk Cousins, Washington, $23.943 million* (franchise tag)
4. Matt Ryan, Atlanta, $23.75 million
5. Matthew Stafford, Detroit, $22 million
6. Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay, $20.3 million
7. Cam Newton, Carolina, $20.166 million
8. Philip Rivers, Los Angeles Chargers, $20 million
9. Eli Manning, N.Y. Giants, $19.7 million
10. Andrew Luck, Indianapolis, $19.4 million
11. Drew Brees, New Orleans, $19 million
12. Russell Wilson, Seattle, $18.8 million
13. Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh, $18.2 million
14. Sam Bradford, Minnesota, $18 million
15. Alex Smith, Kansas City, $16.9 million
16. Derek Carr, Oakland, $15.7 million
17. Andy Dalton, Cincinnati, $15.7 million
18. Tom Brady, New England, $14 million
    Mike Glennon, Chicago, $14 million

18th among all QBs, tying him with…fucking Mike Glennon?! There is no way Brady is taking a $10 million shave below Joe Flacco without there being some recompense down the road & off the books. Sadly, like with Spygate & Deflategate, the Pats will laughingly give up some draft picks in order to secure their legacy as a dynasty.

But who knows? He has the personality of a robot, which suits management just fine. NO ONE IS BIGGER THAN THE TEAM! Remember,

The most fun player they have is undoubtedly Gronk, whom most of us would admire if he wasn’t playing for such a joyless organization. Yet they have done all they can to tone down his past ‘bro-haviour’, reminded him who the boss is, and made him toe the company line.

^{“No Fun League” courtesy The Daily Economist}

The Patriots probably took his sheets away for testing, and then gave them to Aaron Hernandez.

Before I wrap up, let’s discuss the most egregious example of generated Patriots hatred: “The Patriot Way”.

Last year, I referred to The Patriot Way™^®© as

A byword for manic attention to detail, scrutiny of rules & regulation for advantage, and summary dismissal for failure to abide an unwritten code.

I defy you to find something that has changed. If anything, this year’s Super Bowl appearance has deified the self-created myth. You’ve got official NFL video hailing it,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V38mANN98Ho

network programming lauding it,

comparisons to the other team,

the willingness of local universities looking to cash in on a brand,

and plenty of compliant websites willing to blow the Patriots for “insider access”

which creates word-vomit like this:

As New England readies to face Philadelphia in Super Bowl LII next Sunday, fullback James Develin is at once the most unlikely Patriot and the most likely one. There’s an important distinction there that 1) explains both how Develin went from a spot on Brown’s less-than-mighty Ivy League defense to this season’s offensive Pro Bowl roster and 2) how the Patriots run their football operations. Because what’s improbable is how Develin made New England’s roster and played 65 games for the Pats since 2012. What’s not? That he did.

Really? I’m shocked! They probably only picked him so they could claim they now drafted ‘Brown guys’.

Oh, and if you want to observe how deep the Patriot Way mystique goes in the league, this part involving his agent helping him decide between Tampa & New England puts the sprinkles on the shit sundae,

If Develin signed with Tampa and was cut, his career was likely over. If he was cut by New England, there was a chance that at another team might sign him strictly because Belichick had shown even mild interest.

FACK! Time for an Irish Car Bomb.

Now and forever, say it with me – I HATE THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!