King Hippo: I have been chosen to kick off festivities, which means you will get the simplest of formatting.  Lucky youse.

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Manchester City @ FC Basel (2:45 EST, FS2)  

King Hippo: Easy preview first – teh snuff film.  FC Basel ain’t even in first in the goddamned Swiss League this season, whilst Man City is atop the Premiership Table by about 40 points, with a goal differential nearing +100.  Today’s match will be on home turf, which is about all they have going for them (short-term only, the Mancs going home for the 2nd leg constitutes yet another advantage in the long run).  One assumes they will try to keep it scoreless as long as they can, and nick a goal on the counter.  It will make for awful viewing.  FUN FACT!  FC Basel’s manager is named Raphaël Wicky which is pretty glorious.  Prediction: 0-2 to the visiting Mancs.

Litre_Cola: This game will be a snooze. The only thing similar about these 2 sides are the areas that they live in. Having been to both cities I must say they are equally picturesque…..The mercenaries from Manchester laughed and laughed when they drew the Swiss side. They get an away leg that will be piss easy and they get to have a trip to Basel. FUN FACT! There is a club called Young Boys in Switzerland. If they had qualified it would be Young Boys v Man City.  Prediction: 1-3 to the mercenaries from Manchester. 

Don T: In the XVth Century, the Council of Basel attempted to resolve the schism within the Catholic Church, and culminated with the election of antipope Felix V. This game will highlight the abysmal distance between an embarrassingly talented ManC undoing Basel’s best stab at antifútbol. Prediction – FC Basel 0 : 3 Man City. BONUS ??? TAEK: Kevin DeBrainer (as the English call him), may be the best futballer not born in South America.

Wakezilla: The biggest problem I have with lesser footy playoffs is that the two leg format encourages 0-0 draws. If you’re a team that is clearly over matched, it makes perfect sense to play for the goalless draw at home because then you did not surrender an away goal, which are worth more than home goals. Then the lesser team tries to do the same thing when they play on the road–usually for at least the first half. That’s at least 135 of ridiculously boring lesser football. Have you ever tried to watch a two legged game where this happens? I’d rather watch the Browns’ training camp all day. At least that has the potential for humour. Normally, Basel/Man City would have the potential to be like this but, with how City has been playing lately, Basel is going to have to try and score.

Basel is 3-3 in their last six games—one of those wins came against Man United– and has scored in all but one home game this season. Conversely, City is unbeaten in their last six and their best player, Sergio Aguero, is coming off a four goal performance against Leicester.

 Basel may have copied Barcelona’s logo and uniform, but they don’t have their talent. I see City scoring early, causing the game to open up and ultimately leading to City getting the 3-1 win.

Balls: I have a soft spot for teams named Basel (there is only one that I know of) because it reminds me of Basil Fawlty and all the hilarious awkwardness that he shows and how he never, despite his best efforts, manages to win at things.  This game will be just like a classic Fawlty Towers episode in that the home team will try, but will ultimately fail.  Here is my prediction in gif form:

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Tottenham Hotspur @ Juventus (2:45 EST, FS1)

King Hippo: Now, we are fookin’ getting somewhere.  Nouveau riche v. old as old money gets, Lesser Footy-speaking.  Juve are, heaven forbid, only in 2nd position in Serie A as of this hunt-and-peck session, so they will be looking to Champions League to flex their muscles.  They were runners-up to Real Madrid (12-time winners, sorry Balls and DonT) last season.  On the other hand, Spurs (an impressive 4th, despite playing in a temporary home ground during renovations) have done pretty much the square root of fuckall in European footy.  Pochettino certainly doesn’t want his side to start developing an Arsenal reputation (sorry, Horatio), and I have a sneaking suspicion this tie is where he really starts to break out as a manager to be reckoned with on the world stage.  Prediction: badass 2-2 draw.

Litre_Cola: I will be recording this one as the Old Lady against the Yids. I have to say the emergence of Tottenham into the big clubs in England is surprising. White Hart Lane was a shithole. It had pillars that blocked the sight lines everywhere, there were no amenities whatsoever and it needed to be replaced. They are building a new one which will have enough room for an NFL field to get wheeled in there. We see you working Goodell. As for Juventus I am also shocked that they are not in 1st place. That being said they have the most interesting man in the world as their keeper and it truly is a shame that Gigi Buffon will not get to play in the World Cup but the 5 of us will get to that when the time comes. FUN FACT: As well as the nickname the Old Lady, they are also nicknamed The Girlfriend of Italy and the Lady Killer. Prediction: Juve 1-0 things have changed but not that much.

Don T: This home – away series has “keep until deleted” DVR quality. If Spurs don’t fuck up the first leg. I’m feeling a Juve 1 : 1 Spurs tie that has  at least five yellow cards.

Balls:  Napoli are in first place in the Italian league ahead of Juve (Jew-bae or Who-bae?) based on kicking serious ass. They are like Leicester in that magical season in the EPL.  Only time will tell if they will be able to keep up the pace.  One thing standing in their favor is the fact that Juventus plays Champions League yet again while Napoli do not.  All of this is to say that Juve is STILL a damn fine team and is STILL a force to be reckoned with.  Contrary to my other footy-loving friends, I am not a big fan of the EPL and I delight each year in watching their supposedly/allegedly “good” teams flame out in embarrasing fashion.  I see a tight game that gets blown open late by the Lady.  Like it should be.  Prediction:  2-0 to the girlfriend of Italy.

Wakezilla: Juve currently has a sixteen match shutout streak happening and they have not lost a game since November. They’re a really good team. Buffon, Chiellini, Rugani and Bernardeschi are all on this team? Man, Italy is going to be a tough out at the World Cup this year. Wait. . .

The Hot Sperms have not lost in twelve games and are coming off a big win against Arsenal on Saturday. English lesser footy logic tells me that Harry Kane is going to somehow pull off the upset in order to get the country to believe in him and England at the 2018 World Cup. Then once he and England shits the bed in the round of 16, we can all pretend the bedshitting was surprising because the English were supposed to be good.

Just like most sperm,  Tottenham doesn’t travel well. Juve striker, Gonzalo Higuain, is on a four game scoring streak and Italian women have been known to wear men down, giving Italian sides home field advantage.

Ass a result, I’ll say Juventus wins 1-0.

Enjoy the games!