Good afternoon students, I’m your professor – Dr. Robert Beer-Guy. Welcome to our classroom, the Prohibition Bar at the Rosewood Hotel Georgia. My regular attendance in this establishment makes it the perfect setting for our studies. Please take an available seat.

Since people these days think all intellectuals are FAKE NEWS, I suppose you’d like my credentials:

• Convicted & sentenced for fraud, illegal conversion of property, and supplying liquor to minors, while a minor.
  • 11 counts – one for each type of alcohol found during the raid
  • sentencing included a 15-year ban on reserving hotel rooms in Whistler, BC
    • concluded in 2001
• Professional beer vendor – 27 years
• Highest recorded BAC: 0.41
  • the doctor asked how I got to the hospital. “I walked.”
• Six years getting a four-year Humanities degree

As my bona fides are in order, let’s begin.

Today is the first lecture in a four-part series on the selection, merit & consumption of alcohol.

As this is a 100-level course, we will start with the basic alcohols most people are introduced to prior to developing a palate.

These days, it seems many of you privileged millennials would rather enjoy Cannabis indica than alcohol. Good – that’s more alcohol for me, and I do not give two shits about your hippie “better for you” arguments. You’ve made your lifestyle choice, and so have I. Besides, I am blessed with esteemed colleagues better able to teach you what you’re doing wrong.

But what about social situations? As smoking becomes an increasingly frowned-upon hobby, so to will be engaging in the 420 in mixed company. And then what will you do – go crying to the parents who raised you so soft? NO! You will pay attention to the one man who will teach you the propers about alcohol while also being the only man who will not use your inebriation against you for his own gratification. This isn’t Penn State!

As always, prior to the start of a new term, please join me in repeating our university’s alcohol pledge, taken from the manual of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union:

Alcohol – it turns men into demons, and makes women easy prey to lust.

Beer:

There are two types of beer production in North America, macro-brewing & micro-brewing. Alcohol 101 is concerned with defining the concept & relative pleasures of the mass-produced beer.

There are three major macro-breweries in the USA:

• Anheuser-Busch
• Miller-Coors (Molson-Coors in Canada)
• Pabst Brewing

Each of them produces an ungodly amount of product each year.

That is over two billion dollars in sales of Bud Light in 2017. That’s why they are #DamnNearEverywhere

Of the 15 brands listed on this graphic (courtesy statista.com), almost all are mass-produced by one of the three major breweries:

• Anheuser-Busch: Bud Light; Budweiser; Michelob Ultra; Natural Light; Busch; Bud Light Lime
• Miller-Coors: Coors Light; Miller Lite; Miller High Life; Keystone Light; Blue Moon; Coors
• Pabst Brewing: Pabst Blue Ribbon

More importantly, right now they might taste great. But that’s because your taste buds – and possibly your buds – are stupid.

Here’s what you need to keep in mind:

A. Ignorance

Your first beer exposure was likely a macro-brew. So, you will have a natural affinity for what the popular culture deems appropriate. You might have pinched a Coors or Miller from your dad’s bar after a house-party. It’s what you grew up knowing. No one – except the caste system – will hold that heritage against you.

But that’s what a course like this is for – to help you learn & grow beyond your forest-drinking youth into a refined connoisseur of barley delight.

B. Marketing bullshit

Any of the above with “Light” in their name are garbage beers, designed to appeal to the vain among us who think they are somehow being careful with their intake, when in actual fact they are overpaying for water. For example:

• Natural Light is the official cheap beer of first year dorm parties; it’s meant for mass consumption, not pleasant drinking.
• Coors Light is marketed as a beverage for casual athletes, when it is actually a beverage for people who’ve given up on their dreams.
• Last but also worst, Bud Light used to be #UpForAnything, including rape! But now, it’s the beverage of peer pressure and employment sadness. It’s likely the last thing someone drinks before dying alone – possibly by their own hand; probably sitting at a desk.

Let’s analyze the evidence:

First of all, they co-opt “Colors”, a 30 year-old song by noted Law & Order: SVU actor Ice-T, to imply that drinks with co-workers isn’t just a social bonding exercise, it part of the thug-life that is a low-level white-collar job. Then, the shenanigans the ‘friends’ get up to implies a closeness that doesn’t exist in the modern workplace. Finally, the guys from IT show up, and it’s a big Bud Light party? I haven’t seen so much forced camaraderie since James Franco wore a #TimesUp pin.

Tell me: do you like your family all the time? No; no you do not. People like Warren Jeffs exist because some people are too lazy to get divorced so they invent a ‘branch’ of a ‘religion’ which would allow them to create fresh victims relatives whenever they feel pressure. Bars exist so you can get away from your family, so they don’t drive you insane. Conversely, you like the people at work because at the end of the day you can leave them behind. You bitch about family at work, and you bitch about work at a bar; you don’t bring the bitchees with you. Allowing them to intrude upon your social time is a violation of your personal space. To remind you of the sage words of Dr. Spengler,

C. Outright fucking lies

As for the “Ultra” beers, just nut-up & drink a Diet Coke – it’ll come in a highball glass so you won’t look as lame. If you were worried about calories you’d be at a gym, not the bar.

^{The guys on the left might be pretentious a-holes, but at least no one named Tad is yelling at them about five pounds.}

As for non-alcoholic beers, that’s up to you. They do a great job of trying to sell you a $5 bottle of beer-flavoured water.

Personally, most bars charge roughly the same amount for a NA beer as they do for a regular one, and odds are they aren’t exactly fresh. So, aside from peer pressure forcing a bottle into your hand even if you’re the driver, a Coke is still your best option to avoid being hassled with the, “Man, are you SURE you’re okay to drive? I saw you drinking.” Non-alcoholic beers are for socially-needy people who think having a soda in a bar makes them look weak. Have some fucking pride.

Now, all the above being said, there will be situations where you may have to choose to go along with the crowd and partake in a macro-brew. Like, if a boss invites you to a sporting event & offers to buy you a round. If that happens – gun to your head,

you ask for a Coors. If it’s good enough for The Bandit,

it’s good enough for you.

—————————————————————————

Looking forward, I realize some of you new kids have looked ahead in the syllabus and think you are ready for the higher levels in this program. Dr. Solomon – your reaction to that?

Please, all good things in time. Alcohol 101 is not the place to be asking about the Estonian winter barley and cheddar-smoked hops they use down in Portland. Finish this course before moving on to douchebaggier more delicate flavours.

Wine:

I hate the stuff. Drink what you want.

Standard rule of thumb: the Frenchier the name, the fancier the taste.

Standarder rule of thumb: if someone starts talking about region or soil pH, punch them in their balls & order a beer.

However, always remember – white with fish, unless you want to fucking hear about it.

Beer goes with everything.

Hard alcohols:

Normally, I’d defer to Professor Emeritus Swanson in this matter

but there is cause to be aware of what these beverages can do for you and to you, especially since they will invariably show up at a house party of some sort. I’m not here to help you build up tolerance; I’m here to introduce you to the basics of what you’ll encounter in 99% of most social drinking situations.

A. Vodka:

• Here in Alcohol 101, we are quite familiar with the topic.
  • The Gentleman’s Gazette breaks the history down nicely:
    • The word Vodka translates to ‘Little Water’ in both Russian and Polish (водка/ wódka). Not surprising since its origin is claimed by both countries. Documents dating back more than a thousand years in the Eastern European region known as the ‘Vodka Belt’ , a reference its creation, distillation and usage in Russia, Poland and some Scandinavian countries.

• The first time you intentionally purchase vodka, the response from people usually is, “Why did you buy that?”
  • Please remind them they are thus welcome to drink whatever shit they brought.
    • Oh – they brought nothing? I guess you know what to do.

• Do not get fancy with your first vodka.
  • Buying a $60 bottle serves no purpose if you don’t like it after the first sip.

Pro-tip: avoid budget vodkas like Smirnoff & Silent Sam. They are to vodka what Playboy is to pornography; you’ll have plenty of time to develop your nose & tastes. Don’t shoot your wad on the first pretty package you see.

• Instead, go up a level. Absolut is a slightly-more expensive product, but comes in so many varieties you will find the proper mix to suit your current, yet-to-be-defined palate.

• Stick to simple mixes – vodka & OJ (a “screwdriver”) or a vodka tonic

I don’t care how cool you think you are, you are NOT READY for a martini. James Bond is 300-level drinking, both for the cost & style involved. Crowded dance bars & their tenders do not care for these; a martini is a sipping drink, and you will respect it as such. At home you should be concerned with entertaining your visitors, not poisoning them.

B. Gin:

• To quote Forbes, which tracks alcohols for its business clientele,
  • Gin is defined by its flavor: It has to “predominantly” taste like juniper. There are two primary ways to flavor your gin: You can either add flavors to a distilled spirit and bottle it, or you can infuse botanicals into the spirit by distilling them together. Depending on your chosen method, you get a different kind of gin, and a different flavor profile.
  • with this fact in mind, your basic gins will do nicely as an introduction to the world of Gin. Please remember this order of preference, as I don’t want to have to repeat it:
    1. Beefeater
    2. Bombay Sapphire
    3. Gordons
    4. Tanqueray

• NEVER drink it on its own. Gin is intended for mixing.
  • It is, however, hilarious to trick someone into drinking straight gin. If you must try this, please do not use good gin, as that would be a crime.
    • It’s also hilarious to trick someone into drafting Ginn onto their fantasy team.

• You will start with a Gin & Tonic. One part gin to two parts tonic. Over ice; with lime.
  • If you have a date/company over, you may advance to a Tom Collins – provided you have the proper ingredients. DO NOT cheap out & use Sprite/7Up.

C. Tequila:

• Here are the two questions you need to ask yourself when contemplating a beverage choice of tequila:
  1. Are you under 30 years-old?
  2. Are you a recently broken-up woman vacationing in Mexico to ‘get over it’?

• If your answer to either question is “yes”, then your gateway of choice is the classics adjacent.
  • Just make sure before you start you’ve got a couple of condoms nearby, and stay the hell away from the tattoo parlours.

https://vimeo.com/69310297

• If your answer to both of these questions is “no”, put the bottle down & back out of the liquor store or bar. You’re done here.

D. Rum:

• Rum is a liquor distilled from sugarcane byproducts — typically sugarcane juice, sugar cane syrup, or molasses, according to Difford’s Guide For Discerning Drinkers.

• Modern rum is usually made using one of three methods:
  1. directly fermenting sugar cane juice,
  2. creating a concentrated syrup from sugar cane juice and fermenting the result, or
  3. processing the juice into molasses and fermenting that.
     • The vast majority of rum distillers use molasses to make rum.

• There are five main types of rum:
  • White – (most common) Bacardi
    • used in your basic mojito or rum & Coke
  • Golden / Aged – Appleton
  • Dark – Captain Morgan
  • Spiced – most major brands have a spiced variant
    • for your Christmas nogs
  • Overproof – Bacardi 151
    • mostly for show – not for cooking, shooting or casual mixing

• Given the varied levels of product, there is enough flavour & colour variety to satisfy most adventurous palates.
  • If you’re unsure of where to begin, just like your mom in college, start with white & then experiment with other colours.

Given the breadth of product already discussed, rum is the extent of your introduction to alcohol at this time.

However, to prepare you for the extended syllabus I will preview the other essential alcohols.

E. Mixers: (alcoholic)

• Vermouth
  • a 300-level liquor, despite its sidekick status
  • two types:
    • Red (Italian) – sweet
      • for Manhattans &  Negronis
    • White (French) – dry
      • for martinis
• Triple Sec
  • a 200-level liquor, because someone will occasionally ask for a Long Island Iced Tea, and only a savage buys the pre-mix.
    • If you enjoy cooking or barbecuing, then you should enjoy mixing drinks.
  • an orange liqueur, with less sugar than the other varietal, a curaçao
    • most people go with Grand Marnier here, but it’s actually a cognac/curaçao blend.
  • Predominant brand: Cointreau

F. Bourbon:

• You have no palate at this point, so you’re not ready yet. But you’ll make a mistake & try a glass; maybe you’ll be smart & ask for ice, or brave & try it neat.
  • It won’t matter – this is what it’ll taste like, and how you’ll have to try & sell it

• NEVER ASK FOR WATER! It’s an insult to your host & reason to get tossed from the bar.
  • For you “bourbon & branch” types: Are you JR Ewing? No? Then fuck off with that shit.
    • It’s all a dream, a horrible, horrible dream.

• HOWEVER, if someone offers you a Jack & Coke, you take it because politeness counts. Otherwise, stay away until you learn about quality.
  • Unless you are Fozz spawn. Then it was introduced in your bottle, and you are too advanced for this class. Go see the receptionist

and ask to be placed in a higher-level course. My apologies for wasting your time.

G: Scotch:

• Query: Is 30 Rock still doing first-run shows?
  • No? Then you are not Jack Donaghy.

Put the bottle down and walk away.

• Oh sure, you will go into a liquor store & see the Johnny Walker shelf and think, “I’m ready for this.” Then you’ll notice the prices:
  • Red: $25
  • Black: $50
  • Green: $75
  • Gold: $125
  • Blue: $200

• You will make the classic rookie mistake & buy Red. You know you know better – price = quality. But you don’t want to spend too much the first time, so you justify buying Red. And without knowing it, you’re already doomed.
  • You will then take it wherever, and then pour yourself (or worse, your host) too large a glass.
    • You’ll force yourself to finish it, because you don’t want to pour it back in. And you will hate yourself the whole time, like the dummy you were back in the liquor store.
  • You have no one to blame but yourself.

This is why we start with the basics, and the basics do not involve scotch.

IN CONCLUSION, this is what you need to know about basic alcohols. Should there be further lectures in this program, we will get into the fineries of specialty alcohols and fancy drinks. A survey of the micro-brewing industry will be paramount to any completed program. And if I consider you qualified, I will entertain discussions about martinis.

Until then, study your notes, try a couple of new things, remember to tip your server, and always ask permission to buy a lady a drink & let her order it from the bartender. It’s common courtesy, and avoids any complications later in the evening.

Class dismissed. Now, get the fuck out of my bar.