It rained on the Vancouver 4/20 party yesterday, and I don’t think any of them cared. But it’s Saturday, the night when real people party.
I’m almost 50 – I’m home doing laundry. OH YEAH – DOWNY SOFT!
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Maple Leafs at Bruins – 8:00PM | NBC / CBC
- NBA:
- Rockets at Timberwolves – 7:30PM | ESPN / TSN5
- UFC:
- UFC Fight Night
- Prefight: Barboza vs. Lee – 7:00PM | FS1
- Prelims – 8:00PM | FS1
- Actual Main Event card – 10:00PM | FS1 / TSN2
- UFC Fight Night
- NASCAR:
- Toyota Owners 400 – 6:30PM | FOX / TSN
Tonight seems like a night to bring out the special bottle of Longmorn my lovely wife bought me on her last trip through SFO’s duty free shoppe. The Whisky Exchange says Longmorn is “Aged in a combination of hogsheads, sherry casks and bourbon barrels, it has a sweet and spicy whisky with notes of ginger and toffee.” Well, that’s good enough for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLzOgTRtQi0
Gritsawx got no-hit. Senor hopes this means the regression to the mean begins now so he can stop chewing his nails more than usual. It is one of my many bad habits, after all.
If I didn’t know better I’d have thought this song was written by Jamarcus Russell.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bLOjmY–TA
My poor wife is sick so I’m coping by drinking.
Win win
They shrunk a saber tooth tiger down to kitten size. This would be more fun to watch if my own cat was inside. She caught two lizards at the same time today. She’s caught hundreds of lizards (many more than once; it’s catch and release with those guys) but this is the first time she’s done two at once.
I got asked to officiate a buddy’s wedding. Who knows the rules in CA?
That’s the beautiful thing about California – THERE ARE NO RULES!
Build * That * Wall *
“Officiate” as in “perform the ceremony?” Wow. Invoke some Native American mysticism, even if you’re just making it up. Burn some sage for spiritual purity they really love shit like that out here, although you can probably just use pot now. If you need a best man JSD will do it and he has a guy who’s good with tuxes too.
!
Billy Zane as P.T. Barnum on Legends of Tomorrow! Such fun.
Listen to your friend, Billy Zane. He’s a cool guy.
This fucking wedding…holy shit what a mess. I show up at noon. The rental tuxes look like shit.
I’m sorry…I refuse to look like shit, especially if my photo is being taken. So I have to call my guy Dmitry. Everyone bitches from this shithead family…until Dmitry does is fucking work. Its not cheap…but it is fucking worth it. He took a family of rednecks with sleeves and pants all different lengths and he made them look like fucking models.
If you never wore a fitted suit…you are missing out gentlemen.
So I get the groom’s people not looking like ass and I meet the bride. She is Turkish. She has family flying in from Turkey. No one told me this shit. None of the ceremony, or the post wedding shit is going to be in Turkish.
I go to my shithead coworker that made me his best man out of the blue…”You got to kick someone. I need to shove someone in as a groomsmen”
“Wait? But its my family”
“Anyone in your family fucking speak Turkish?”
“No”
“Fucking kick someone. I can get Wociejeck here. He speaks Turkish. You WILL pay his bar tab”
“Its a cash bar”
“I swear to god Steve…I am ready to fucking walk. Fucking just do this”
It takes me crazy fucking begging to get Wociekeck to show up. Its literally “You can get shit faced and hit on anyone you want ONCE the ceremony is done”
My boy pulls through in spades. He is a pro. He doesn’t touch the booze until after the ceremony and the toasts. Her family is ecstatic. The preacher is happy. And no one looks like a fucking hick redneck idiot. It turned out to be a blast.
I left and Wociekeck was in his regular, frightening Polish drunk phase. I swear to god, he was making out with the bride’s mom I think.
Who the fuck does this? My coworker waited until like a week ago to tell me he was getting married and I was his best man. We don’t fucking talk about shit. I had to give a toast and I still have no fucking idea where he went to college.
I am not trying to boast…but I seriously made chicken salad out of chicken shit. It was like one of those shitty movies about fixers.
Sounds falsified.
I like stories.
But seriously, I really enjoy these. Except now I’m envisioning a reboot of “Wedding Crashers” starring Rob Bironas. This version is a lot less of a comedy.
How is it not even 10pm? I’m not even drunk in public, I’m drunk and just got to my home.
“Oh la dee da look here at Mr. Fixed Address, everybody.”
– Ryan Leaf
Odd 13 Codename: Superfan is not as good as n00b but will get the job done.
Bartolo Colon is fucking amazing. That is all.
Well, it’s been through a lot of it.
/plus one apostrophe ‘s’
Just not Marchand. Just not Marchand. Just not Marchand.
Suspended indefinitely? Please be Marchand, please be Marchand, please be Marchand.
Two icings in a row (whatever that means) should be a penalty, delay of game, like puck over the glass.
Apparently some kid is trying to save Toys R Us. With a lemonade stand.
Kaity Tong: “Good for her.” DRIPPING of condescension.
Isn’t it ridiculous that my favorite cocktail shaker is the one I got for free with a bottle of Ketel One? I like it so much that when I saw more at a garage sale I bought not one, but TWO backups?
Plastic-wrapped base, metal top. The top half goes *inside* the bottom half, which makes it much easier to hold while shaking so it doesn’t fly apart.
But why do you need to shake the vodka before pouring it into a glass?
Guh, straight vodka? Who do you think I am, a character in a Shonda Rhimes show?
“Shondra” is how I pronounce Sandra after too many vodka jiggers.
Das boot!
Oh package of on-sale sliced hot salami in the fridge, I know you planned to live to see one more sunrise, but let’s be real here: it ends tonight. You don’t want it, I don’t want it, but there it is.
You can rest easy knowing he died a hero’s death.
“honey, where’s you hide the salami?” – Mrs. Herodotus450, not believing that he ate the whole thing.
IT’S HAPPENING!!!!
It had jumped back up to +2500 before that.
Son of a mother!!!!!!!
Alright, can we just agree next time you get that number (HAHAHAHAHAHA) you jump on it?
I’m an idiot.
Leafs are panicking.
No free moneh foar tWBS.
-Ron Howard
+3500, but nope.
Not gonna.
-Samuel L. Jackson
What have they got? 27 seconds more of PP?
Yes, that looks correct.
Hey other tWBS, maybe next time check first before asking.
It says 33, I’m currently watching the Dirt Jets find a way to implode. Hopefully it will complete itself and be quite amusing.
I was looking at gametracker and it said it happened at 18:33. But they are not the most accurate source probably.
NO SMIRE
No, more like a chortle. It was a game-tying grounder that rolled all the way to the wall for a triple!
Armando Benitez making a comeback at short or what?
I’m rooting for ya. In spite of the fact that it’s going to cost me an imaginary $3000 when it happens.
Intermission music?
INTERMISSION MUSIC!!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0oIoR9mLwc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0wOD9TWynM
Oooh I hate Boston so much, definitely want them to lose. But, oooh, I hate Toronto so much, definitely hope they lose. Buuuut, ooooh, I hate Boston so much, definitely hope they lose.
Go Team Comet
Sounds like the beginning of Hippo’s next favorite book.
They’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel with Pokemon evil team names, aren’t they?
FWIW, Bovada has unlocked it again now.
Overall Bruins’ ML +850. Regulation ML +2500.
Yes I’m tempted but I DON’T BET ON HOCKEY OR BASEBALL DAMMIT!!!!!!!
That regulation ML looks great now. NEVAH FORGET!
It actually jumped to +3000 just before that. Now +1100.
DAMMIT!!!!!!
Sonofabitch. If they score on this PP Imma be so pissed I didn’t put some down on +3000.
tis ok, I’d pay $50 to see the Massholes lose.
Wow, Bruins’ regulation ML only went up to +650 even with half the 2nd gone, but this PP upcoming just dropped the shit out of it.
Hippo’s +600 looking like good timing.
good timing getting in on the Dirt Jest when they very briefly went to +195, too (also only bet $50, que lastima).
Well, that just popped Bruins’ reg ML up to +800.
See, I was right after all. Now I feel smrt.
Where’s it now?
Stupid GAMBLOR
After the 4th goal, my guys locked it. It had jumped to +800 at 3-1.
IT’S LIKE 2004 NEVAH HAPPENED!
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Ozzie Albies just managed to herp and derp on consecutive plays. I haven’t seen Atlanta have that questionable defense since… well, Dan Uggla actually, it’s not a Sherman joke this time.
So maybe I haven’t been paying attention, but when did Toronto and Boston get hockey teams? Was there another expansion? When I think of ice hockey I think of towns like Phoenix and Nashville and San Jose; Boston and Toronto make me think of greasy little immigrants dressed in rags all huddled together afraid of being eaten, that is when I think of them at all, which is never. I hope this clears things up and let’s be careful out there folks. God bless.
seriously, can we not pay him and Buddy to comment full time?
I accept Paypal.
What? No Bitcoin?
We only accept Dogecoin here.
If Brick ever shows up for a gathering I’m going to feel tremendously let down when he turns out not to be seven feet tall.
This expansion to the north because of GoT is exactly why Gary Bettman is an international disgrace.
If you like Velvet Underground & haven’t heard “The Complete Matrix Tapes”, you should.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLub5jyJ0tyzD0WmE3hONFw4yWHwjypGiJ
op. cit.
skip to 50-second mark, and the magic begins
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg0CDxhJd78
If I wanted to take a nap I’d watch golf.
or baseball
a’ight, finally got me 6-1, $300 will be nice solace when the Massholes get 4 goals in the 2nd period.
seems like a bet on Massholes to win in regulation ought fetch MOAR than 5:1 odds. Fucking stupid hockey GAMBLOR
You didn’t!?!?!
I am waiting fer +600
Give it a little into the 2nd, you’ll get +800 probably.
2-0 is the most dangerous lead.
I’m about to have my first mint julep of the year.
let us know how casually racist it makes you feel in ur tummy
We should be coming up on Derby day.
Does a shot of bourbon count the same?
Can’t wait to see your new hat!
who was that fucking weirdo?
STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!!!!!!
Was someone mentioning laundry? Where did my maid go?
always happy when I remember this song exists (they Catalan, so it is topical FOAR teh Copa):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF45jk0_SJc
I see Leafs, Eh’s terrorist is back in the lineup. Will this make a difference for us Masshole-hatahs?
FACK NO
I’ve commandeered the record player at this brewery. If any objects to Janis Joplin they will feel my wrath
I prefer Jackie Jormp-Jomp.
I love that chick. I will help you eliminate anyone who objects.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOTEDnQ4Fvk
Yo Seamus! Portobello caps turned out fucking delicious! Thanks for the tip, man. PHRASING!
Good deal, glad to hear it.
Most folks toss oil in too, but I hate that. Make’s ’em too greasy.
I was considering this item. I would also like this aforementioned tip.
Portobello mushroom caps marinade. Garlic, balsamic vinegar and a little bit of dijon mustard.
I want to see Nazem Kadri commit a felony on the ice tonight. Let’s go!
inshallah, brutha
Tonight?
I took my dog for a 3+ mile walk today and now he’s passed out.
But the little fucker made sure he stole my favorite chair first.
My damn legs are so wrecked today. And I gotta still go grab something and cook for when the mrs gets off her shift tonight.
Where’s that Arby’s mailer now?!
Nothing matters. Pain is the default. Do as the hedonist does, no one truly cares upon death.
Get a Beef n’ Cheddar.
And when the mrs gets home tell her….I’VE GOT THE MEAT!!!!!
I’m sure she’ll think it’s funny.
(also it’s been nice knowing you)
The commercial with Bo Dietl talking to the black pitmaster that contains the line, “That’s longer than I smoke my meats” is a favorite of my father and me. Whenever something time related comes up, we say it, laugh out loud and feel the heat of hate radiating from my mother.
And then he ran for mayor and was hysterical at the debate. Hysterical, not cromulent.
Seems to be Laundry Day all over DFO. Two loads left, and then it’s bourble o’clock.
I’m only good for one load a day anymore.
A small load. And the whole process takes forever, too.
/Wonders what the point is of having this junk anymore
Phrasing
Phrasing
Laundry day here at the Cornblower household too. One load left, which I’m almost certainly going to forget about and leave in the washer overnight.
My staff is doing the laundry today. Anyway I think that’s what they’re doing (that’s those machines in that one room, isn’t it?)
How much beer is too much beer?
If you’re still asking that question, you’re still fine.
Until it starts leaking out of you as other fluids. Sorry, other non-yellow fluids.
Don’t hurl.
That’s the last time I ever send you beer, heretic.
Saving yours for later. But three breweries later…
I do love a good multi-brewery tour.
I too am doing laundry while trying my best not to murder my niece.
Also, my male duck has gone missing. I am not happy. Little jerk better be back tomorrow for morning feeding or I am going to launch an investigation.
I’ve hoping one is not related to the other.
Not that I know of.
Usually they come to the house twice a day for feeding when they’re hungry and want to take a break from doing other duck stuff out on the lake wherever they go. Sometimes they don’t show. But when they show they are always together. Tonight, the female showed without the male. In 2+ years that has never happened before.
And he’s kinda puny and sickly for a male mallard soooooo….yeah. We’ll see.
Apparently mallards have a life expectancy of 5-10 years in the wild. Ask the female how long they’ve been together but be subtle.
“Hey baby, I hear you’re single now”
Toyota Owners 400? Is NASCAR even trying with their sponsorships?
Imagine how far down the list they went before calling about “Toyota Owners”.
PERFECT DEMOGRAPHIC!
I’m going to add NASCAR sponsor to my resumé next to my Time Person of the Year award.
“I drank all the drink. Can I go sleepy-baby bye-bye time now?”
/question was rhetorical, btw
But it’s only 3:30 Scotchy.
“Saturday, eh? I’m guessing the Leafs lose.”
-History, the last 51 years