Poland enters the 2018 World Cup as a mystery wrapped in an enigma cloaked in bowling shirts. The Polandites qualified impressively, winning their group by 5 points over Denmark. However, their form since then has been spotty, and their recent World Cup history is as impressive as their screen-doored submarines (to be fair, they keep the fish out). They could finish anywhere in their group, so they will definitely be one of the more interesting teams to watch, and not just because they will likely get lost on their way to the stadium.

WORLD CUP HISTORY

The Polanderoos first qualified for the FIFA World Cup in 1938. The format was quite different back then, as Poland was knocked out in only one game by Brazil. They continued their poor form defensively over the next few years, mostly having problems with their left side. Neighboring countries offered aid by setting up camps to help with focus and concentration, but they didn’t qualify again until 1974. Surprisingly, in that year the Polandicos made the semifinal round before falling (again) to host Germany. There were two really positive aspects about this run, in that they beat Brazil in the third place game, and also that they were able to return from Germany in planes instead of boxes. They repeated their third place performance eight years later in Spain, but have rarely found success in the World Cup since, mostly due to players not recovering quickly after games. Poland had misplaced their ice recipe until recently.

2018 WORLD CUP OUTLOOK

The Polandifers find themselves in Group H (or “the group with the two up-and-down lines and the one across-ways line”), along with Colombia, Senegal, and Japan. Their schedule is as follows:

June 24  Poland vs. Colombia  2 p.m. ET  Kazan

June 28  Japan vs. Poland  10 a.m. ET  Volgograd

Most experts (i.e., some European blog I clicked on) feel that the Poland-Colombia game will determine the winner of the group. As everyone knows, Japan will not win the group due to something involving honor, and Senegal ain’t from around here (wink wink), so the Colombians would seem to be the favorites due to their speed (cocaine = speed) and the Poles’ lack of end-game strategy. Specifically, Poland lacks the necessities to win the group or cross the road without disengaging from the chickens they’re romancing at the time. However, should Poland advance to the Sweet 16 (trademarked by FIFA and Roy Moore), they would likely face England and out-disappoint the Limeys for a quick exit.

PLAYERS TO KNOW

The best player in Poland is the striker Robert Lewandowski, pictured here:

Lewandowski, known by his nickname “Wondo,” is one of the top players in the world and currently plays for Bayern Munich. This seems odd, as historically Germans aren’t especially welcoming to Poles, but they know quality when they see it, and Lewandowski was budget-friendly as his primary demand was a docile sheep. Most other good Polish players have complicated last names that end in “ski” (because they don’t know how to spell “toboggan”). Polish brides get something long and hard on their wedding day: a new last name.

WHO’S THE POLISH MANAGER?

The Polanderricos manager is Adam Nawalka, a former player and definitely not the only guy in Poland who can write his own name.

POLAND TEAM NICKNAME

The Poland team’s primary nickname is “Biało-czerwoni” which translates as “the white-reds” (please note: this is actually true). Their creative flag, seen at the top of this post, is white and red, so the nickname is technically accurate. There are many theories as to why the nickname is so simple. One is that Polish children grow up less intelligent due to the Polish tradition of not breastfeeding the babies (it hurts too much when the mothers boil their nipples). It’s also possible that fatigue plays a factor; most Poles only get 10 minutes for lunch, because any longer than that would require retraining. Other people blame head injuries, due to the high occurrence of Polish people falling out of trees while raking leaves. Lack of education plays a part, especially since the book was stolen from the Polish National Library. In any event, cheer for the white-reds because at the end of the tournament, they have to go back to Poland.