The games start today (in roughly 15 minutes, I believe), so what better time than the present to give you what you’ve all been waiting for?

Contrary to what Litre_cola might have said in his preview, I don’t believe in too much fútbol.  Hell, the rest of the world doesn’t either. I know Hippo can’t wait to gamble on Salvadorean league tilts (hint:  Pick Alianza).

Anyhoo, a lot of things have happened since Barcelona won the league title, Real Madrid won the Champions League, and Atlético Madrid won the Europa League.

You know how the Pac 12 calls itself the “Conference of Champions”?

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The Teams

As you undoubtedly know, every league outside the US and Australia has new teams joining and old teams leaving.  Here are the teams that will compete to finish fourth behind Barcelona, Real Madrid, and Atlético Madrid be in the league this year:

Here is a handy dandy map so you can identify the places the teams are from:

You may have noticed that there are five teams in La Comunidad de Madrid.  Actually, Getafe and Leganés are suburbs of Madrid on the south side of the city.  Vallecas is a neighborhood within the Madrid metropolitan area on the south side of the city.  Atlético and Real are really the teams of the city of Madrid proper.

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The New

Cristiano Ronaldo is no longer with Real Madrid and is now evading taxes in Italy.

Huesca, Rayo Vallecano, and Valladolid are the newly-promoted teams from the lower division. Huesca is in the top division for the first time EVER!

Zinedine Zidane is no longer the coach of Real Madrid and is now head-butting Italians on holiday until Manchester United fire Jose Mourinho.

La Liga will be using VAR!  Just as in the World Cup!

Julen Lopetegui is now the coach of Real Madrid after getting fired from the Spanish National Team two days before the start of the World Cup because he dumped his girlfriend on his way to prom because Becky the hot blonde with the nice ass invited him to her prom at her school in two weeks.

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The “Nothing Changes on New Year’s Day”

Every team plays every other team twice; once at home and once on the road.

Three points for a win, one point for a tie, and no points for a loss.

The top four finishers in La Liga go straight into next year’s Champions’ League Group Stage.

The team in fifth place goes straight into next year’s Europa League Group Stage.

The team in sixth place goes into next year’s Europa League second qualifying round.

The bottom three teams are relegated to be replaced by three teams from the lower division.

Barcelona,

Real Madrid,

and Atlético Madrid

are once again your favourites to take the league crown.

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The Cool

Look at these awesome stadiums!

You are talking about playing top-flight professional fútbol in stadiums in the middle of the mountains!  If you don’t think that’s cool, I don’t know you.

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Here is the Week One schedule:

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I’ll be providing occasional updates when it’s my turn to entertain you with our Soccer Saturday Open Threads.  And yes,  you will get the patented Balls Graph!

See you on Sábados!