[kid’s entertainer walks onto stage to rabid applause]
Entertainer: “HELLO OUT THERE, ALL MY LITTLE POOPSTERS!”
Audience: “HELLO CAPTAIN SHITSTAIN!”
C-Stain: “Oh! It’s so lovely to see all my friends. There’s Dookie in the front row.”
[camera pans to excited child wearing a “Don’t Shit Where You Eat” t-shirt]
C-Stain: “Boy, have I got a wonderful surprise for you today. But first, let’s read the headlines in The Daily Excrement.”
Audience: “YAY!”
C-Stain: [sits down behind cheap imitation of a news desk, dons visor that has #2 in bold letters, speaks in serious voice] “The headlines are as follows. The state of politics in our country? Still shit. Popular culture? Still shit. The environment? Really shitty. Tuition fees? Remarkably shitty. Real estate market? Shitty beyond belief. These have been this week’s news headlines.”
Audience: “AWWWW!”
C-Stain: “But remember, dung bunnies, I still have a surprise for you. But first let’s go to the “Wheel of Stool” sponsored by Waste Management, to find out which personality we’ll be profiling.”
Audience: “SPIN. THAT. TURD.”
C-Stain: [spins] Wow!. Look at that-Deuce McAllister. Huh. [thinks to self, “I’ve been at this a year and a half and Kaka still hasn’t come up!”] Well, food babies, THE DEUCE! played nine seasons for the Saints and rushed for over 6,000 yards averaging 4.3 yards per attempt!”
Audience: “Ooooooooo!”
C-Stain: “You’ve been so patient and now you’re going to be rewarded… with a preseason football game!”
Audience: “BOOOOOOOO!!!”
C-Stain: “Calm down, calm down. [smiles] Did I forget to mention that one of the teams playing is… THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!”
Audience: [erupts] “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
C-Stain: ” Why don’t we go … TO THE GAME!”
Audience: [raucous cheering]
PHILLY/CLEVELAND: [grumbles] You know how I feel.
A bottomless pit of useless acronyms and buzzwords plagues education. This one in particular has me laughing at our curriculum and counseling staff every time I see it.
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSCNQixhk-LjpObjQfJZzFxe0H7VG-B_wk0xeUcfwpH1xihyJxC
I love the idiots on youtube claiming that all higher education is a waste unless a kid goes into STEM.
None of those idiots seem to ever have an actual degree. But they should as shit have one of those gofundme things to make money on their hot teaks.
Our votech eliminated the HVAC program last year due to a lack of interest from incoming students. Meanwhile, manufacturers are about ready to go door-to-door begging people to get paid to learn how to do it. Education always has its pulse on the needs of the economy.
…and yet all the interpersonal skills and friendships they’d learn from extra-curricular activities are lost because they need to pay for this shit.
Anyone else having trouble opening this image?
Hue is so fucking excited to get another chance to go down the field and setup three four bad pass plays inside the 2 yard line.
♪♫♬ Anything you can derp, I can derp better ♪♫♬
That’s a good fumble, Baker, but it wasn’t a Browns fumble. Work on that.
Nick Foles, Super Bowl MVP
Are we sure that wasn’t his less competent alter ego Nick Fails?
Timmy Smith nods in solidarity.
/then gets back to closing up Subway for the night
“Look. It was an alternate timeline. It’s not like we got control of things.”
-The Quantum Universe
“I can’t believe that an entire Reich….er, I mean Presidency brought down by a Pecker!”
“I hear THAT!” – William Jefferson C.
Really appreciating the team letting the fans know they can take the season off
Ah, I remember those WR/TE screens to the middle of the field back when Hue called those for the Bengals.
They didn’t work then, either.
Footbaw gods not even giving the Factory preseason hope
When I heard Hue Jackson’s brother died suddenly…
Fucking season.
Goddamn it. God fucking damn it. Watch as Baker Mayfield is concussed out of the league by week four and we watch the QB position go back and forth between Drew Stanton and Brogan Roback.
The Browns are the NFL equivalent of the “Aristocrats” joke.
Instant replay safety dances are the most glorious of all.
Woo hoo! Safety!
#ThePauls #QuestFOARTwo
Tonight it has a double meaning!
The Browns.
Well shit.
GENIUS! And I hate toilet humor.
???????????
Just turned the game on to see Tyrod have a boo-boo? am I correct?
Welp.
I fucking hate this goddamn team.
Me too, and I’m not even a fan!
Dress rehearsal for fans as well
RIP 2019 Cleveland Browns
Some top notch fade attempts there
…and the Browns go 4 and out from the 1.
FUCKING HUE?!?! They run the goddamn ball half the length of the field and then Hue goes full 1-31 Jackson…
How the fuck does Hue call a goddamn fade there?
And then a fucking quick pass. I swear to fucking god Hue is the dumbest fucking coach in the NFL.
Hue Jackson, troll genius
I’m predicting the New York Footbaw Gigantes to win the NFC East, FWIW. And the Pokes 2nd.
Nice of the Eagles to give the Browns an exhibition game to feel competitive in
Methinks Foles deal with the old voodoo lady and/or Satan was very specific as to expiration date.
He he he he. THAT’S OUR RUNNING BACK! ????
http://m.tmz.com/#!2018/07/31/leveon-bell-strip-club-party-booty-steelers-holdout/
I found this article very reassuring: https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2018/08/paul-manafort-will-likely-go-to-jail-if-trump-pardons-him-thanks-to-a-lone-holdout-juror.html
Jason Kelce, they don’t really need him much, rite?
JOE BUCK: Foles is very fortunate.
MRS. FOLES: Yes, I am. (confirming the rumors)
“Its Smallwood up the middle!”
Oh, geez. This is Prom Night all over again.
“My favourite NFL Player? It’s that Smallwood kid on the Eagles. There’s just something about him that I can’t put my entire hand on.”
-D. Trump
In preparation for this weekend’s hell drive from Donksville to Raleigh, I found my travel case of CDs (yes, actual goddamned CDs). And added 3 new ones off Amazon (all Parquet Courts, oh teh World Cup memories) to the sleeves.
You wouldn’t believe the amount of dust on the front cover.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/23/us/randolph-county-georgia-voting.html
(sigh)
Even though they may be right (money is tight and having one polling place open for a dozen voters seems too much), trying to close a predonimately black polling place less than three months before an election involving a black Democrat woman running for Governor seems* shady. You couldn’t have done it in an off-year?
Perception is Reality. Even more so today!
But next year, close the polling place and mail everyone an Absentee Ballot application form with a self-addressed return envelope. Everyone wins.
*is
“Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it”
oh Mac, too cold
I would wear sommet to support #ThePauls in their practice endeavours, but surprisingly, I have no apparel that is poop-coloured.
Wow, Erin Andrews’ skin not looking so great in HD.
That whole “stripper when the 2:00 am lights come on” effect, huh?
Or streetwalker at 6:00 AM when the sun comes out?
I’m not saying I wouldn’t harvest it and wear it as a coat, I’m just saying…um, I’m not sure where I’m going with this.
aw, shucks, ah bet you say that to all teh gals!
I think he means “as opposed to cell phone peep hole” video of her.
Sooo… You’re saying she’s got no skin in this game?
As part of my daily self imposed torture routine I’ve collected the three main responses to the Urban Meyer-weiner-gate from across the interblabs:
“Three game suspension is ridiculous, he’s a cheater wife beater and he should be fired go blue!”
“Three game suspension is ridiculous, he’s either guilty or not he should be fired or nothing!”
“Three game suspension is ridiculous, no
collusionevidence no crimes he should be reinstated!”BM growing a Talibeard, would be pretty funny if he becomes a Moooooooslim
Tyrod part of the interview? That’s just mean.
Ms. Pink lookin’ good! And a much better announcer-ist than the marionette Andrews.
Terry Bradshaw’s still around? He still have working brain cells?!
Sort of and HELL 2 DA NAW
https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/23/politics/donald-trump-fox-news/index.html
I just love CNN’s recaps of off-the-wall Trump quotes after an interview or rally. Its almost like the political version of Rifftrax or MST3K.
Actually I imagine it to be his brain’s inner thought process trying to rationalize what he just heard so he doesn’t go insane trying to make sense of the nonsensical ramblings of the Killer Tomato-human hybrid.
[looks forward to the Super Bowl ring ceremony]
-The Philadelphia Schmegals
Steagles or GTFO!
Canadian’s aren’t the nice ones in their relationship with America. This is pretty funny. Especially the take on US border guards.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kx6_yBkuve8
That’s hilarious!
THEY INSPECTED HER BLOODY MENSTRUAL PAD??????? WHAT?
https://m.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/tsa-muslim-woman-bloodied-pad-airport-screening_us_5b7da406e4b07295150f45e5
Are they using South Park episodes as training manuals?
Probably
Would any of you go to a Jurrasic Park where the dinosaurs are robots? I was thinking about Drumheller, AB (a town that’s basically a dinosaur fossils infested area) and think they’d get more traffic their way if they had what Jurassic Park was supposed to be. Thoughts?
Will there be a gift shop with personalized novelty license plates?
I think they do that already at the Royal Terell Museum
“It’s like West World! Except, with Dinosaurs!”
“Hmmm… I dunno. Can we have sex with them?”
(door flies open) (enters stifling laughter)
Trump wants to build a wall. Guess what NFL team is building a wall.
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/mike-tomlin-cites-drones-and-so-forth-for-why-steelers-are-building-wall-to-block-practice-field/
The Pittsburgh Steelers are following the playbook of Donald Trump. No word on if Tomlin says he wants the Bengals to pay for it.
Now if you’ll excuse me…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXCdcSuRUjE
A wall to stop drones? Does Mike Tomlin know what drones are, and how they work?
It’s the same with Pro wall builders. Most illegals go through the air. Also, historically, walls don’t keep shit out
Yeah!
– China
Agreed. They can go under a wall or swim around a wall where it ends in the Pacific Ocean and Gulf of Mexico. A wall in a busy area makes sense so you can control the flow of traffic and people in and out, but in rural you can rely on surface radar, drones and patrol.
The solution is both increasing border security to catch the people who go in (what ICE used to be, not its current ICE-SS police force) AND refine and increase the immigration process so people won’t feel like they have to sneak in.
tl;dr Full Border Wall sucks. Don’t get rid of ICE completely. Enough about the wall, lets make one kickass front door.
After we’ve stopped the leaking border, we can work on the people who are already in.
Even in busy areas, it doesn’t do much. If YouTube was around when the Berlin Wall was up, we’d see some incredible and hilarious footage of what people used to do to easily get over the Berlin Wall
Heaven help them if they get caught by East Germany, though.
NatGeo did a special on this very thing, I fucking LOVED it.
See, the problem is that they don’t hand out citizenship or green cards to farm laborers or people fleeing violence. That’s never been a part of immigration law. It’s VERY hard to come here legally if you have limited skills. It’s HARD to come even if you DO have skills.
Until that changes, the folks with no options will do whatever it takes to improve their lives.
Good point. Unfortunately both political parties enjoying using the border crisis to get votes.
The kicker in all of this: A lot less people would go to America if Americans stopped meddling in other countries’ business.
It’s the catch 22 of a white supremacist: ensure brown countries live in chaos and kill brown folks, or, have fewer brown people come to America and do jobs no American would ever do, saving the economy and food production.
Agreed. The White Racists don’t want dark-skinned immigrants, but they fail to realize that all those unskilled dark-skinned immigrants would flood the labor market for both manufacturing and agricultural (farmlands) since they don’t have the education or money to go to college. That could drive down the prices of goods, ensuring they’d have more money to apply themselves (since they don’t have to work two jobs to survive), go to school, get a degree and supervise the dark-skinned immigrants for a generation or two until the immigrants’ children get a chance to catch up.
Its almost funny in a dark sort of way. The White Racists are keeping themselves down!
the wall is really just a way for the GOP to steal more government moneys for they contractor buddies
good ol’ wall, ain’t nuthin beat wall!
I’m pretty sure Cleveland will pay for it.
Stupid Mongolians.
I can’t wait to see how B.M. looks tonight.
Mainly I’m interested in consistency, though drop time is also something I’m curious about.
Usually drop before you get in to the club.
It’s worth mentioning that that’s not the same thing as “release time”.
He’d like to make a splash.
Tom Brady would hate to throw my balls right now, their PSI is through the roof.
Pussy per Squared Inch (PSI) ?
Did you win your beisbal title? If so, you should ice your trophy or medal.
We won the regular season. Playoffs after LaboUr day hence why i picked this date.
You might have a Gibson game!
Dear god I had better be able to play in 2 weeks
Just think Litre. After you’ve recovered, when Mrs. Cola’s in the mood, you won’t have to worry about “putting a cover on the car” or “removing the commander from the battlefield before attaining victory” in a way that doesn’t break the mood.
I warn and I warn, you still overdid it?