And we’re not tilting at windmills, friends-this be the real thing and all. I trust you have a very many intoxicants and mood-enhancers at arm’s length, that you’ve finished tying the children up in the basement, (or crawlspace, either one is fine) handed the wife a few 20’s and said, “you haven’t seen [insert frenemy here] in such a long time-why don’t you invite her out to brunch?” You’re a regular Howard Roark from The Fountainhead, aren’t you? It’s your way or the highway-you’re not gonna watch the games with a bunch of damn collectivists. “It’s too important a day for ‘people'”, you say to yourself. “One must strike out on one’s own. Establish the trail. Go it alone. Stand tall.”
Damn, that was one fine #feverdream, wasn’t it? Just do what you do, barge into the comments as you see fit and make with the funny. TO THE GAMES!
Steelers/Brownies:
Did you stash James Connor at the end of your fantasy bench because you’re a sneaky weasel? Well done. Tire Rod gets the start in Cleveland and talent-wise the cupboard isn’t its usual bare shelf. It might be enough vs. a Bell-less Pitt team.
Bengalis/Colts:
Things are looking up in Indy now that Mr. Luck is back behind center. Starting rb Mack is out however but is he really going to carry the load this year? The backfield just looks very thin to me.
Titans/Fins:
Them Titans are putting together the old “Thunder and Lightning” backfield duo of Derrick Henry and Dion Lewis. Personally, I expect Henry to have a monster season in 2018 after being robbed of carries by the battered shell of DeMarco Murray last year.
Niners/Vikers:
Jimmy G’s short-passing game plan vs. the aggressive Minny D went out the window when rb MacKinnon blew an axle. In steps the very adequate journeyman Alfred Morris and the untested Matt Breida. That’s a step back, for sure.
Texans/Pats:
Last year Houston barely lost 36-33 to a Brady that was looking to go long to Cooks and Gronk. The pressure applied by the Texans d-line made the game close. I’m sure they’ll go back to the well game-planning-wise while the Pats feature a dink and dunk game with Burkhead, Hogan and some undrafted guy from East Boston Tech. Pats win.
Bills/Ravens:
Buffalo, this is Nathan Peterman’s team now. Govern yourselves accordingly.
Jags/Giant:
Much yackety-yakking focuses around the Old Dirty Beckham/J. Ramsey tete-a-tete but I think the key will be te Engram on lb Gipson. Gipson is a fine player but he doesn’t have the speed to keep up with Engram. He’s got that in common with every other lb in the league. Yes, the Giants O appears to be more dynamic (and more importantly) free of the influence of the Coughlin/MacAdoo mindset that resided there for so long. That said, if I see a delayed draw play on a 3rd and long obvious passing down I will murder everything on my street. Grandmothers, toddlers, puppies… I don’t care. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
It’s all yours now.
Great work, G-Men.
HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Frenulum?
Hodor
The Bengals have a Gritty Defense Player?!
Replaced the ejected player, even
Off the bench GRIT
Oh those jerseys are going to be on back order now. Peter King is rushing to get him in his article tomorrow.
Los Gigantes, fin.
Put up the sheet and put these Colts to bed.
There’s gonna be like 4 people left in the suicide pool after this week or something.
FRENULUM DOWN
lol fat humps
Myles fucking Garrett
THE BEN, turnover #4 HARF!
BROWNS ARE BACK!
gee, don’t telegraph that any MOAR obvs, 500s
wait, JONATHAN FUCKING STEWART is being used as 2-minute back??
Hosting the daily slow
Tiki shitting on Saquon? I don’t believe it!
There you have it, folks: Saquon is your 2018 NFL MVP
I’mma lose single-handedly to the zone coverage on OBJ goddamnit
come on Eli, throw that INT.
22-21 to #ThePauls would be the funniest thing all year
Did Dol-Tits ever restart?
did nae
Not yet. Fans will be more washed than the field with this delay
How does Bill O’Brien still have a job?
Hue makes a shushing motion towards you.
Browns defense…”fuck this noise…let’s do something!”
They’ve been amazeballs.
This time of day is where I miss Norv Turner fucking shit up with dumb challenges and awful timeout management
I just realized that my Joe Mixon team is aptly named These Violent Delights
Having Pat Shurmur coach exciting players like Odell and Saquon is like hiring the Blue Angel pilots to drive a tractor.
BANNER
why would you risk having Saquon get a whole 7-9 inches? Best trust your defense!
System back.
Holy shit…three blatant no calls go the way of the Browns…and they can do fuckall.
Calling it now, Saints are going to rally and beat the Bucs
51-48?
Sounds right
ALL THE BREESUS/THOMASDOWNS!
Time to see if new Gigantes coach has balls.
Survey sayyyyyyys? NOPE
Appears he does nawt.
And the footbawl Gods chortled into their notebook
Officials of the browns game….if they manage not to overturn this….just fucking get rid of instant replay.
This is SO weak. You are inside the 5, now you need to BOTH get the two later AND keep the Vikes completely off the board. JUST TO TIE.
You do know who the SF head coach is, right?
Fucking shit. Red Zone has been completely compromised.
Yeah, that’s no good. I was promised commercial free footy.
under no circumstances can the Tomsulas kick here
Puffing the Rasher is a penalty against bacon
Ah the “put in Mayfield” chants…right on time!
Because putting in a rookie QB will magically get a running game, the receivers will catch the catchable balls they have had all game, and Cleveland will stop being an industrially depressed failed city.
Sadness Factory workers demand more failure!
Go home Browns fans, you’re too drunk
Does Kevin Hart fuck his teacher at the end?
When has that not happened?
Barkley might be good at football
SAQUONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will be so entertained if Fitzy gets the permanent start
Anyone watching the imaginary team from Texas? JJ Watt on the IR yet?
Concussions definitely look owie
“Erick Flowers was totally overmatched.” In other news, water wet, Potvin sucks.
Time to change Elis diaper
Pick Six, but it wasn’t on Bortles.
Throw Ereck Flowers into the trashcan.
Oh that’s delicious Manning derp
Fuck
I would disappoint Giada so hard…
“At least with me she would never remember being disappointed” – Darren Sharper
Cincy setting up their heartbreaking loss to the Fat-humps.
If you don’t run Beatie Mixon, then your gameplan could use some fixin….