Your Monday Night Football Doubleheader Open Thread

Man, I very much enjoyed the games I watched yesterday. You say, ‘derp’ and I say, ‘how does a team overcome the derp’ or ‘how does a team take advantage of the derp?”. Derp is an intrinsic part of the game and I love it. Except Ereck Flowers-oriented derp-that’s a bridge too fucking far. That’s like making fun of a developmentally-challenged team trainer being given the chance to play with the starters in a high school game.

Another Observation: Hippo brought it up in one of the threads yesterday (I think) and it bears repeating to all you silly fantasy folks out there. #workthatwaiverwire Seriously, look for guys that are getting increasing amounts of touches as the season progresses-they’re working their way into the starting lineup/earning their position coach’s trust. Your wr on a potent O has a nagging hammy? Grab his backup. Them injuries tend to linger and the ball is going to end up in that guy’s hands at some point. A rook rb starts getting put into 3rd down passing packages? Grab him before someone else does. I’ll shut up now. TO THE GAMES!

Jetskis/Lions:

Don’t ask me how or why but I watched two (2!) Lions preseason games. Don’t send thoughts or prayers, just send more booze. Anywaggle, maybe Patricia The Stripper was goofing around with personnel groupings but wowza!, that D was positioned badly and seemed surprised at very obvious things that an O would run. I’ve said it recently-I’ll say it again:Stafford is going to have some awesome numbers if he can stay upright. His rookie counterpart-the object of much cautious optimism in the New York area-won’t have the stats to compare but if he gets his reads right, he’ll end up with the W.

Rammers/Raiders:

Khalil Mack embarrassed not just the Packers last night but also the Raiders. That’s one hell of a hill to climb right out of the gate Sisyphus, er, I mean, Jon. USA Today ranked qb Goff as the twenty-first best in the league just behind Derek Carr. How? What? C’mon now!

Go out there and make some friends in the comments.

 

 

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litre_cola

Are the Orioles making up ground yet?

theeWeeBabySeamus

They’re not playing tonight. So worst case, they lose half a game.

IMPROVEMENT MUDDAFUKKAS!!!!!!!!

Spanky Datass

HI SUZY!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Joe, is that you?

Spanky Datass

In the nude! …I mean flesh; In the flesh-colored hose!

King Hippo

everyone needs to surf down and see Petronel’s Casselvania cartridge cover. Oh it is SO GOOD. Things get missed in Live Blog.

Petronel

(I didn’t make it – just pulled it off da googull.)

King Hippo

REALLY? Fuck, I thought I made the term up as related to that chucklefuck.

Petronel

Sorry, Hippo:

Updated the picture for my @DailyNorseman fantasy football team, Casselvania. Old school NES fans will appreciate. pic.twitter.com/yJ5GPZKii3

— Eric Thompson (@eric_j_thompson) August 21, 2014

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

theeWeeBabySeamus

Terminator Genisys Halftime Show?
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, I’m still mildly regretful I paid to see that abortion in IMAX.

Senor Weaselo

Halftime means look at some Fords, right?
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The NFL’s booth review is a fucking joke. That absolutely deserved a look.

Sharkbait

Did Sam Darnold and Matthew Stafford switch bodies?

King Hippo

CATCH!

King Hippo

How long you reckon it’s been seen Matt Patricia seen his dick?

Sharkbait

High school

King Hippo

even that first day after, he was like “fuck it, let’s eat another whole fried turkey”

WCS

The Clinton administration.

Petronel

Aw, I’m sure he FaceTimes with B*lichick all the time, totes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh come on you’re acting like the Patriots locker room didn’t have a full length body installed so Gronk could check himself out.

...

I had no idea he was such an Absolute Unit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s crazy how badly so many defenses fold when confronting an offense running the two minute drill.

Spur

the old “bend and give up points” defense

Spur

What happened to Fat Boy and is Special Ed looking good?

King Hippo

fat magic wore off and YES

Spur

Nevermind, Fatty is playing.

Redshirt

Can you get targeting against your own teammate?

WCS

Considering the Bears tried to murder Cutler every chance they could, I’m guessing no.

King Hippo

PROBABLY

/suppresses snowflaek rant

//reminds self is liberal

Redshirt

(Emperor Palpatine voice)

No, Hippo. Give in to your darker impulses.

WCS

Howdy, folks.

This game isn’t nearly as interesting to keep me from watching the clock tick backwards waiting for Saul.

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Redshirt

Yeah. I’m TV Troping. I’m on Futurama – Heartwarming. I expect to be crying like a baby soon.

Redshirt
King Hippo

sitting down now with his Etch-a-Sketch

Sharkbait

Well…second TD throw if were being technical.

The Maestro

HOLY FUCK

Senor Weaselo

Darnoldown? Is that throw legal?

King Hippo

Retard strength? Retard strength!

King Hippo

he gets some functional mechanics, holy shit

Sharkbait

This game requires more bourbon

Gratliff

Not watching. Did fatty get hurt? God really fucking hates Detroit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Spanish expression for penalty flag is “castigo”.

The Maestro

In Québecois French, it’s called a “mouchoir”.

herodotus450

In Latin I think it’s “Sic Semper Tyrannis!”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

In creole it’s “Dat Yeller Raggamuffin”

litre_cola

How the hell is Matt Cassel still in the league????

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Stonework is built to last, man.

King Hippo

CasselVania 4Eva!!

/seriously, did anyone ever finish it?

herodotus450

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litre_cola

That game was awesome.

Petronel

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ETA: Not mine, just uh, borrowed off the ‘nets.

King Hippo

oh this is EXCEPTIONAL work, Ms. Nel!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aw, Matt Stafford thinks he’s Aaron Rodgers!

Brick Meathook

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Gratliff

Go birds

The Maestro

When they’re that cheap, you don’t give a shit. I once demolished 40 after a long night at the bar about 5 years ago. I feel like I should have regretted that decision, but I honestly didn’t then and still don’t now.

The Maestro

Worth it. I’ve seen five Super Bowl wins in my lifetime. I’ve had a good run.

King Hippo

call me when you get teh morphine, eh?

ballsofsteelandfury

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King Hippo

even if it’s sawdust, I don’t see the economics in it. Truly horrifying.

Senor Weaselo

We all know heaven is when you order a 6-piece nuggets and they give you seven. And a switchblade.

https://m.imgur.com/Wtj8s

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m presuming it was stuff they were gonna throw away, anyhow.

The Maestro

If ESPN is comparing Sam Darnold’s debut with that of Joe Namath, you hope that Jets fans won’t mind that he rapidly deteriorates into a womanizing alcoholic with his own personal line of fur coats.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t forget the pantyhose.

litre_cola

I…..I….just want to kiss you……

theeWeeBabySeamus

Bring it in!!!!
Don’t forget the weed, however. I need to be high if I’m gonna be kissing guys (again).

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

I think you’ve described a solid chunk of the commentariat, sans the fur coats and success at womanizing.

Redshirt

DFO for now, KSK 4-Life!

Psh, why don’t y’all have furs?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not sure I agree with your characterization of that as “deteriorating”.

JustStopDude

Wait…does H Jon Benjamin have a gambling problem or something? Why on fucking earth is he doing Arby’s commercials?!?! The due has like at least two shows he voice acts on the air 24/7 with cable.

King Hippo

how much does voice acting (with residuals) really pay, anyway?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My fancy Hollywood friend was talking about his agent failing to bill for $11k, but I’m not sure if it was a voice thing.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m all for that man getting paid. I can’t imagine too many people are as dumb as me and bought his jazz album on vinyl.

Petronel

Dammit, now I’m listening to it on YouTube. For those of you who aren’t fans of tonight’s announcing, it’s…not a wholly bad alternative.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br0yWgjcxWQ&t=0s&index=2&list=OLAK5uy_m1WsjZGfmi3-DOtvBfox_R7TTJjveA4Zo

King Hippo

I’m just taking it for granted that we’ve all seen every episode of Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hey Jon, here’s a check for $40k, all you have to do is go into the recording booth for an hour.”

Doesn’t sound like a complicated decision to me.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Plus, you indirectly support nihilist Arby’s
Check out Nihilist Arby’s (@nihilist_arbys): https://twitter.com/nihilist_arbys?s=09

JustStopDude

What is funny is that none of these fans ever step foot into Detroit except for football games…and when they were teenagers they would tag a grade school with racist graffiti.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have to say it kind of feels like Shan’khor phoned it in on that attempt.

Brick Meathook

I switched over to the Spanish ESPN hoping to hear some stentorian voice but they have a male announcer who is just as bad as the regular ESPN chick.

JustStopDude

Oh thank god they got Johnson into the smelling salts tent to magically fix his brain injury.

litre_cola

It is like the magic spray in futbol.

...

Anyone else think the MNF scorebar is an eyesore?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

#MeToo

JustStopDude

Its fucking way too big. I think though they are trying to hide the fierce blue Lions unis.

Petronel

Guess we know what they’ll be wearing come color-rush time.

Redshirt

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Why is Matthew Stafford paid as much money as he is?

King Hippo

He’s crucial to the midwest pork and poultry industries

litre_cola

Because he isn’t Kaep

ballsofsteelandfury

Because Ford isn’t making any more cars, only SUVs?

Senor Weaselo

The Ford Mustang crossover!

King Hippo

doopy doopy doopy doo!

The Maestro

Lordy loo, what a fucking shitshow.

But did we seriously expect anything else?

litre_cola

Just wait til Gruden takes the field with Emo-Carr.

Petronel

OWWWW

Sharkbait

Matthew “Rex Grossman” Stafford

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I really don’t get ESPN’s win probability. Lions are 63.4% likely to win despite being down three and being incompetent? Is home field worth 6 points?

Claymaker

Their FPI model says that the Lions better enough than the Jets that they should outscore them by more than 3 by the end of the game.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m 67% sure that ESPN is full of shit

Claymaker

Hey, they did invent the Total QBR so, uhh…. huh.

jjfozz

THIS BETH MOWINS, I CALL HER GIRLS FROM MY TWENTIES, BECAUSE SHE’S GOOD LOOKING AND I WANT TO BONE HER, I JUST DON’T WANT TO HEAR HER TALK

Viva La Tabula Raza

Please don’t think i’m a misogynist, but that’s a lot more women than just ones from my twenties.

Claymaker

I’ve been a (mostly) off-and-on kommenter for about 8 years, and when I chose my name watching Clay Matthews play didn’t make me choke on my own rage.

If I were to change my name who would be the most hilarious current Packer to name myself after in some way?

I am also considering a play on my fantasy name, McCarthy’s Left Eye’s Fishing Buddies.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wanna be Captain Blue Bunny?

litre_cola

Didn’t left eye burn down Andre Rison’s house?

Redshirt

Green Beard Packers?

ballsofsteelandfury

NOAP! No gay jokes.

Redshirt

From last night’s game, Aaron Rodgers’ Nice Dreams?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nice_Dreams

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Exhuming Mike McCarthy?

jjfozz

If you’re white: The Cracker Packer
If you’re black: The Blacker Packer

JustStopDude

Aaron Rodgers Glory Hole

ballsofsteelandfury

No gay jokes!

Seriously, we should be better than that.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How about Magnanimous St. Brown

Claymaker

Man this is gonna be tough.

jjfozz

Hey look , it’s a range rover commercial that makes me want to eviscerate people who own range rovers.

Brick Meathook

The only people who own Range Rovers are suckers who’ve been separated from their money.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Lampreys have money?

The Maestro

I think most of us are kidding ourselves if we said we wouldn’t.
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litre_cola

Absolutely, then I would ask for free tickets.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wanted her to be good, I really did.

At announcing! Get your mind out of the gutter.

jjfozz

After boning, would she give you a play by play of the act? That would be cool.

ballsofsteelandfury

During

jjfozz
King Hippo

They are being very cagey about Rodgers’ knee injury. I think there’s a very decent possibility his ACL/MCL is shredded, and he’s played his last game of the season.

If so, I think even Spur will have to grudgingly admit that was one of the most impressive individual efforts one will ever see,

ballsofsteelandfury

Agree it’s probably a ligament. The extent of the damage and which one is the big mystery.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Couldn’t he have permanently rolled things over to Kizer yesterday?

Since it is Jets-Lions, O/U on the amount of times the refs massively fuck over either team.

King Hippo

Mowins does a lot of NC State games. Her vocal tone REALLY bothers lots of ppl. Doesn’t really bug me, but it is a very common complaint. Hey, it’s not Boomer.

jjfozz

Does she have big cans?

King Hippo

I do not think so.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

She’s no…[checks Google]…Alvaro Martín or Roberto Abramowitz, that’s for sure.

jjfozz

I came up with a new way to kill Collinsworth:

You build a giant fucking magnet. Giant. Size of the hoover dam.

You force feed Collinsworth a bunch of nails, screws, carpenter’s tacks, finishing nails, etc.

You put him in front of the giant fucking magnet and turn it on.

The force of the magnet pulls all of that stuff out of his stomach, thus disemboweling him from the inside out.

litre_cola

You see this guy gets it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I like it!”

– FitzPatrick Bateman

Redshirt

He lives in the Cincinnati area. He’s seems the type of guy who won’t turn down a free meal.

All we have to do is have three people take him out for Cincinnati chili, Montgomery Inn ribs, LaRosa’s Pizzas and Greater’s Ice Cream. Every Cincinnatian knows you don’t have all those without a 24 hour break for your digestive system to recover.

The combination of all that food will give him both the runs and the stops simultaneously. He’ll crap himself to death!

Brick Meathook

Give him an upright piano filled with 800 lbs of dynamite that is detonated when he plays “Yankee Doodle”

Spur

Go Jets?