Your “Batten Down The Hatches!” Sunday Morning NFL Football Open Thread

Meh. It’s sunny and warm here. TO THE GAMES!

Brownies/Saints:

He gone. Rumour has it Josh Gordon showed up to the Browns practice facility and was “not himself”. High. He was high. Funny thing, when I started doing these game intros I was told there would be no meth. smh.

Bolts/Bills:

Last week Buffalo was Nathan Peterman’s team. After the D gave up 369 yardos the brain trust decided that it should be Josh Allen’s team. Last week’s “I don’t think Allen is ready yet” morphed into “Gentlemen, after very careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that Josh Allen is ready-ish”.

Chefs/Stillers:

Both Pittsburgh corners are banged up and that’s not going to cut it vs. Mahomes & Co’s vertical, mid-field and short passing game. More bad news? Steelers defenders were flummoxed by Tire Rod’s jaunts out of the pocket last week and they meet up with another qb with the same ability to scramble.

Colts/’Dacteds:

The Architect didn’t exactly baby his arm last week after nearly 2 full years on the sideline. He completed 39 passes at a 74% rate for 300 yards. T.Y. Hilton looks forward to being fantasy-relevant again. (not really, he’s probably happy to have a competent signal-caller under center)

Fins/Jests:

Key to success for them Jerts? Keep Fanny Hill in 3rd and long sitchamucations-the only qb with worse numbers goes by the name of Bortles. Tons of interceptions? YES. I don’t throw around the word ‘retard’ very easily but I think the Jets long bout with irrelevance will be slightly retarded this year.

Iggles/Bucs:

The TB O that tossed 48 points onto the scoreboard last week vs. the Saints might just give Philly a bit of a headache. DeSean looks as though he’ll play which will open the field up for the likes of wr’s Evans and Godwin, te Howard and rb Barber. Looks as though Wentz is about two weeks away.

Panthers/Falcons:

Both teams are banged up as hell with the advantage going to Atlanta because they’ve got Tevin “No, it’s not Kevin, dammit!” Coleman starting in place of DeVonta. In this spot he usually gets 18-20 carries on top of his 6-7 targets in the passing game. He’s also good for a TD average-wise. Start that fella and don’t look back.

Texans/Titans:

Coach Vrabel said that both qb’s were going to play today. Huh? That shit never works. Thing is, no matter who is throwing the ball, they should have a great time against a Texans secondary that is signing kids off the street due to numerous injury issues.

Vikes/Pack:

The spinning eyeballs, the clipped speech-Rodgers post-game interview was one for the ages last week. He’s listed as questionable. Wait. Nope. He’s starting. Maybe. If he is this will be one hell of a game for the second week of the season.

Today’s games look good. You can make them even better by being your funny selves. Do it.

 

 

 

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Fronkenshteen
Spur

is the Orange Menace going to be at the Redacteds home opener? I thought he was so Loved?

Doktor Zymm

After having a lot of fun at a Raiders game last year, I was gonna try to be a Raiders fan this year, but the Grudening and the Chiefs being really fun to watch so far are putting the kibosh on that plan

Spur

Give me that Redzone music.

Redshirt

HA! Not sure if that was shared here.

https://www.foxsports.com/nfl/video/1321756739601

fleshwound_NPG

showered first time in a few days, logged in to dfo, tv is on, no pants on

(and of course the dipshit fat hump tv stations don’t have a game on opposite of an away-game colts broadcast)

LemonJello

Showered? Oh, WE FANCY!

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Provided you have a good adblocker, I would try this subreddit. You might have to try a couple links to find one that works, but you can generally find one.

https://www.reddit.com/r/nflstreams/

King Hippo

This is a ridiculously depressing start to a footy Sunday.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Think of it as a fart to a sooty Funday, that should help turn it around!

Horatio Cornblower

Erin Andrews is interviewing Aaron Rodgers and so far he’s said “man-to-man” and “there’s no better feeling than being in a huddle with guys” and the only conclusion I can draw from this is that Aaron Rodgers knows about last weeks back-channel contretemps and is outright taunting us.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Next thing you know he’s going to announce that he’s reconciled with his family!

Redshirt

Aaron is secretly a very happy person?

I got nothing. I think Rodgers beat us on this one.

King Hippo

A.A. Ron is brilliant. I think he purposefully started that rumour hisself, so he would never have to talk to his family again. No hangers-on begging for handouts, he gets to bang athletic brunettes in their 20s (clearly his type) and have his holidays free for exotic travel the rest of his life.

As a fellow introvert, this sounds like fucking heaven and he is my hero.

Horatio Cornblower

“Hey! I’m 36!”

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King Hippo

huh, driving a racin’ car (badly) must be like pilates on steroids!

Redshirt

Plus not to mention attractive ladies will feel safe to approach him because he’s gay and doesn’t view them as a sexual object.

My God, the man’s a genius!!

Spur

It’s the medication he’s on. it brings out the truth.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Llamas are great, they’re super goofy when they run

Doktor Zymm

I hope the Redacteds get renamed the Llamas

Horatio Cornblower

Snyder will never change the name, but he will arrange for llama rides from the parking lots to the seats, for a mere $150 per person, $135 for seniors and kids under 4.

Doktor Zymm

That would be the best part of the FedEx field experience. The only decent thing about that stadium is the live marching band

Gratliff

Someone explain the logic behind showing infomercials during the 1 pm game because the home team is playing at 4 pm.

Doktor Zymm

Probably to get you to buy stuff and hate life

Gratliff

I mean, I’ll be on Red Zone the whole time, but that could have been an Eagles-Bucs tilt which I expect to be defense optional because that’s how the Eagles tend to work after a defensive battle

Spur

We could get a DFO Section

Redshirt

Lets see, I get Factory vs. Scouts and Not Quite Slurs vs. Nation. Two games fit to be tied.

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Spur

Enough about Rodgers and his knee. This is why I hope the Viks rip his leg off.

LemonJello

Mr. Winkles can’t like this comment enough.

LemonJello

Clots/’Dacteds
P*triots/Jaguras
Birdcano/RAMIT!

These are the options for House LemonJello.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One of the things I like about the Great British Baking Show is that they have a pair of hosts whose job is to basically defuse tension and reduce drama so the contestants perform better.

Also, they make dick jokes!

herodotus450

But then how do they construct fake cliffhangers for commercial breaks? It makes no sense!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They also don’t try to disguise the results to build tension. If the judges are like “damn, this scone SUCKED” then it’s a pretty safe bet that person will be headed home.

Doktor Zymm

Good, bad scones are an offense against nature

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To me there is no such thing as a good scone. I just don’t care for them.

Doktor Zymm

Ideally, they’re just a vehicle for cream and jam. They should be light and fluffy and not much else

Doktor Zymm

The giant, overly sweet rocks that pass for scones in the US are an aberration

King Hippo

THIS GUY gets it

/but FUCK THE RAIDERS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Way ahead of ya…” – Jon Gruden

LemonJello

We’ve binged through multiple seasons of Great British Baking, and I think I may have fallen in love with several accents.

Fronkenshteen

I find that show to be very well done. You become emotionally invested in each baker.

Spur

Great rates at Trump Tower this Holiday Season. Book NOW!

Mr. Ayo

NO COLLUSION!

Doktor Zymm

‘Presidential Alert: My dong is huuuuuuge, not like Obama’s, it’s tiny! Sad!’

Redshirt

CNN Breaking News Update: November 6, 2018, 5:29 PM EST
CNN Exit polls favoring Democrats?

FoxNews Breaking News Update: November 6, 2018, 5:31 EST
Republican not doing as well as expected per Fox News Exit Polls

MSNBC Break News Update: November 6, 2018, 5:33 EST
Surf up! Blue Wave is crashing into the Congress!

Emergency Action Notice: November 6, 2018, 5:35 PM EST
HELP! All three new outlets, including the Failing CNN are reporting that the lousy Dems are stealing the Midterms. All True, Loyal Americans are ordered to go to the voting places a:nd vote for YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT EVER!

CNN Breaking News Update: November 7, 2018, 10:14 AM EST
Obama, Clinton and the Corpses of Reagan, Washington, Lincoln write-in voted into a total of 15 House Seat and 4 Senate Seats?

Doktor Zymm

On one hand it’s nice living in a marker with two teams, but on the other that means I get all the 49rs games

Doktor Zymm

So…the Packers are being fucking idiots by starting Rodgers right? Did they learn nothing from watching Shanny destroy RG3?

Spur

my local games – KC – Steeler Assholes and Viks – Greenbay. Not bad, might be a lite Redzone morning.

Fronkenshteen

You should have this tied up in the next 15 minutes, hippo

Fronkenshteen

Or not

King Hippo

yup, no NFL ACTION!! for me. #SadHippo

Redshirt

Ah, a rare Sunday where I don’t have to worry because my team already won. Unless its revealed later today they performed an Extraordinary Unfair Act that warrants the Commissioner to take away Thursday night’s win, but I’m almost completely confident that won’t happen.

LemonJello

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Doktor Zymm

Watching from a hotel today, need to figure out what channels I got…
Otherwise I’m all set, got booze and food with the option to buy more right downstairs

Fronkenshteen

Lock it in!

Spur

i like KC, Chargers and Minny to cover. Greenbay is going to run Rodgers into the ground.

blaxabbath

So 82 people died in Harvey. In Houston — a very first-world place.

So why does not common sense tell us that PR, which started off in worse condition than Houston, then is more difficult to access/support, and then pretty much got less recovery support — why wouldn’t they have a death toll 5X that of Harvey?

If PR had only 60 deaths, I think that would be a HUGE surprise.

King Hippo

the inside joke is Trump only counts white ppl

Doktor Zymm

The only person disputing the death toll is Trump, because he’s basically a psychopath who has no regard for human life

Redshirt

Because Texas has 38 Republican Electoral Votes and Puerto Rico has none.

Gah, get back into my subconscious Liberal Redshirt!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Jaime Pressly still hasn’t gotten a restraining order against me yet.
Silly girl.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Her legs are very shiny.

Redshirt

Its like I always say, its not stalking if you only do it online and never initiate direct or indirect contact.

Spur

Snoop is selling Dick pills now.

LemonJello

Put some sizzle in your pizzle, fo’shizzle?

King Hippo

what is the weed term for “whiskey dick?”

LemonJello

“Bong Dong”?

Doktor Zymm

What happens if you grind up and snort dick pills?

King Hippo

4+ hours?

blaxabbath

It’s amazing that JV teams carry about 18 unique uniform combinations each season and Arizona still manages to look like they’re wearing some pathetic homemade shit every single game of the year.

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King Hippo

There we go, Siggy!

Fronkenshteen

Such a swinger of mo. Extra time, too. THERE’S my Hammers.

King Hippo

Fucking Martin Atkinson. Guy cleats a standing Everton player in the back of the head on the edge of the box…and only a yellow??

Fronkenshteen

Maybe Hammers won’t be relegated this year?

ballsofsteelandfury

Where is Chicharito?

Fronkenshteen

Not sure. Tee Vee has been on “mute” save for 30 seconds or so of the lovely Rebecca Lowe.

Fronkenshteen

1:00 money lines I’d be interested in:

Carolina +207 @ Atlanta – despite Carolina’s injuries, this seems a bit high for a division game.

Buffalo +289 vs LA Chargers – Instincts such as this are what led me to stop betting. I don’t know. West Coast teams playing on the East Coast at 1:00 tend to underperform, and Buffalo always play like maniacs in front of those wonderful vulgarians. Maybe those 2 things make it worth a small wager.

KC +176 @ Pittsburgh – If it was November or December, I’d be on Pitt, but one game worth of film won’t be enough for any coaching staff to figure out how the fuck they’re going to slow down this offense. And Kelce hasn’t even been involved yet. And Spencer Ware looked pretty damn good. And Ben has a thing with his throwing elbow. Contrarian, but worth a shot. Who am I kidding? Every KC skill player will be in the concussion protocol by 3:15.

theeWeeBabySeamus

KC, avoid the rest.

Fronkenshteen

Oh, I don’t bet anymore. Just one $60 fantasy league a year. My methadone, so to speak.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You got opiates?
/asking foar a friend

King Hippo

I expect the refs to give Yinzburgh a boost, only reason I don’t like KC. BUF could keep it close with the Shitty Clippers, but they are just soooooo bad, it’s hard to pick them to win. The Black Panthers, I see. Home field seems to mean nothing in NFC South matches.

ballsofsteelandfury

I like them all.

Spur

Kupp or Watkins or do i pull Freeman off flex and keep both receivers?

King Hippo

PPR? I’d play the WRs both.

Spur

Morning Folks.

LemonJello

Greeetings, Sir Spur!
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m hoping today will dispel the nonsense “the Browns are going to surprise a lot of people this year” narrative.

Also, it would be nice if the Chiefs would be consistently terrible for the next ten years, starting…today.

King Hippo

unfortunately, think you are gonna be disappoint on both counts. N’Awlins is legit butt, and Mahomes is the real deal.

theeWeeBabySeamus

As much as I hate to agree with teh Hippo….

ballsofsteelandfury

The hurricane has left you both dazed and confused.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nevar bet against the Hippo!!!

dude know he shit.

Ian Scott McCormick

I was surprised that they cut Gordon a day before Week 2.

theeWeeBabySeamus

There’s gonna be a drug test result forthcoming.

LemonJello

A good morning to you, degenerates.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messin’ wit no broke ninjas.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY

King Hippo

Massive. Fookin. SIGH.

King Hippo

New LB Lucas Digne is the man I have dubbed the “Woody – I’m going to steal your girlfriend!” guy from Cheers.

King Hippo

Raise yo fist! Everton rolling with AFRIKA kits today!!

/made our whitest guy, Gylfi Siggudsson, captain for the first time

Fronkenshteen

Everton will score in the first 10 minutes.

litre_cola

Joel Osteen is just a deplorable human. Decilitre atole the remote and it went to one of his “performances” 20 seconds in I was in a rage. He really should be an NFL owner.

King Hippo

maybe some consultant will convince Li’l Danny that the Redacteds PR issues would be solved by Gentiling the place up a bit?

Fronkenshteen

Ty Montgomery just hit the waiver wire in my money league. I’m thinking of dropping Anthony Miller to get him. Anyone else think his gadgety role will increase while Rodgers is gimpy?

litre_cola

I would like it if they listed him as wr and rb.

Fronkenshteen

He was being used as a clear RB1 for the first 2 games last year. Then he got hurt.

King Hippo

Green Bay RB carousel. Down that path, madness lies.

Fronkenshteen

It’s Derby Day, hippo! HAVE AT YOU!!
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King Hippo

Fronk/Hippo Derby I indeed!!

litre_cola

I just watched a bunch of hoarders. That shit freaks me out.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve been watching Mom. The TV show with Anna Faris and Allison Janney…not MY mom.

King Hippo

How about Intervention? I should feel itchy about that but instead it makes me feel a combo of empathy and “see, you’re not quite so bad, Hippo!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Jaime Pressly is in it, but of course I barely noticed….
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theeWeeBabySeamus

But yes, for a sitcom it has its dark moments to be sure.

King Hippo

Don’t forgets – watch EVERTON WOO!! instead of bad pregame. I need my $120 ML bet to come good so I have moneys to lose on the NFL today (and I really like the Jest in the 1p window)

litre_cola

Pay TV up here. Fuck sportsnet with a rusty screwdriver

King Hippo

Serious? Everton/Hammers??

litre_cola

Fucking Sportsnet World Scotchy.

litre_cola

Sunday games predominantly

King Hippo

Wolves/Burnley was just a sad, sad thing.

King Hippo

Great wordplay with the Jest!

King Hippo

I don’t have him, but it seems more like a Royce Freeman matchup (and I left Royce in my Yahoo lineup). Not an awful flex play though.

litre_cola

Been up since 5 on a diet of daytime cold meds and coffee. I AM READY TO RUN THROUGH A FUCKING WALL.

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