Your “Someone’s Going Home 0-2” Sunday Night Football Open Thread

Gawd! The hairs on my back are standing at attention! They’re nothing like my ‘cut and run’ nipples, I’ll tell you. I just can’t count on them anymore-well, not past three anyway. It’s the Jizziants vs. the Cowfolk for all the glory. What do these teams have in common? They both think that if they get out of this game with a 1-1 record there’s a clear path to a wild card spot. Shall we pretend to break this game down to all its individual parts and come up with a reasoned argument as to which team will come out with the W? Let’s! TO THE GAME!

Giants/Dallas:

For about 6 or so years in a row the NFL sked-makers have thrown this one up the first week of the year. Major curveball this year-it’s the 2nd week of the season. What a difference seven days makes! I can’t get too angry about the Giants loss last week to a Jags team that seems likely to steamroll themselves right back to the AFC Championship Game. They exposed New York for what it is-a generally upgraded team that still has some worrisome issues. [gives Flowers the stink-eye] Hopefully mistakes will decrease as the year goes on and te Engram has successful Cris Carter hand-transplant surgery. Negotiations are still on-going. The shine has really come off the Dakster hasn’t it? He’s thrown for under 200 yards in 8 of his last 11 games and is far from the difference-maker he seemed to be when he first arrived on the scene. If only coaches didn’t have game film to watch! Darn it all. Dallas fans are warming up the bus and their throwing arms in anticipation of the inevitable.

I’m tired of typing. It’s your turn.

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LemonJello

Alright. Much like Ray Rice, I’m punching out. See you all here for MNF?

Later, Taters!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Go Bears!

(They’re going to break our hearts again)

Doktor Zymm

If the Bears can break your heart…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

….it isn’t filled with enough gravy?

...

My Bears fan heart has been black and cold for a while and that Satan Pact Making Aaron Rodgers reminded me last week why it’s dead.

herodotus450

No wonder LT did all that coke and (presumably all those) hookers. THese Giants is BOOOORing.

King Hippo

the nice thing about getting cider drunk (FUCK YOU, who am I trying to be manly for) is that is belches rather pleasant.

Doktor Zymm

Old school, huzzah!

herodotus450

6.9%, nice
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Ian Scott McCormick

I’ve had that. Super dry. If I’m drinking Cider, that’s kind of what I look for, but I think the BA guys hate it.

Sharkbait

Hey man, booze is booze

Romonobyl

But what color is the first morning piss? That sez a lot about various libations. Proven fact, unlike an unproven fact. Why am I rambling?

King Hippo

kind of amber, darker than one might expect

Romonobyl

That’s not always a good thing.

Petronel

As good as a 7-Up & Three Musketeers belch?

ETA: one must consume the 3Musketeers first for best effect

King Hippo

oh wow, that’s quality

Ian Scott McCormick

You know what’d be fun? Throwing a pass to Odell, and drawing up a run for Saquon. Not another screen on 3rd and 34. A fucking run. Do it on 1st down if you like. Really mix things up.

Sharkbait

That’s the face Eli made when he found out santa isn’t real.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wait, whut’s this about Santa now?

Romonobyl

Ohhh That Manningface HAS to be gifed!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh god yes. I’m LMFAO’ing right now.

Sharkbait

That’s some tasty Manningface

Romonobyl

Classic “It’s full of stars” expression.

Doktor Zymm

It’s a measure of how pansy teams have been that I find this play super bold

Spur

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King Hippo

oh, now you just fishin’ for likes!!

Romonobyl

**SPOILER ALERT!*** She dies in Breaking Bad.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah she does.

King Hippo

and it’s GLORIOUS

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t make me post Jane’s death scene again!!!!!!
But yeah, we like her.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

I know that audible isn’t ‘PAR-TY’ but I’m pretending it is

King Hippo

Zeke is kind of festively plump, ain’t he?

Doktor Zymm

Mmm tacos. I really hope his dates make horrible sour cream jokes

Spur

Taco time!

Romonobyl

Dallas just needs a kicker named Bobby Cilantro and we’ll be all set.

Brocky

Any time is taco time!

blaxabbath

Any Browns fans around? I’m looking to hire a Sherpa who will guide me through a historic bad season. You can put Hippo’s stash on 0-16. This is a like, fire the GM and maybe even the first-year HC kind of bad for ARI.

King Hippo

this is deffo my Survivor strategy, go with who is playing BUF/AZ going forward

Spur

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Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Yeah, Amazon shouldn’t be proud of their football stats

King Hippo

did FB require you to swear a blood oath against Amazon? Who else??

Doktor Zymm

Eh, all machine learning models are mostly shit. It’s what happens when you let engineers try doing math

King Hippo

ach!!!!

Petronel

But they haven’t had anybody quit at halftime yet, so better than the Billz at least.

King Hippo

TV timeout with 8 seconds in the quarter?? FUCK YOU, 5 minutes of baseball it is

Spur

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LemonJello

Not the most intimidating Haka I’ve seen, but I can’t stop watching…

Spur

Awesome. my Samoan brother-in-law salutes you

King Hippo

are you intimating there are circumstances under which you can trust a big butt and a smire?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Trust, but verify.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She seems….friendly.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy Fuckballz, the Orioles won today. THAT’S 43 WINS DAMMIT!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Which would be impressive if it were still May or early June.
It’s not.

litre_cola

Told you they were coming on

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL

Senor Weaselo

And the 1962 Mets pop another bottle of turpentine.

Brocky

For therecord, i am keeping track of your eat your underpants bet

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

You’re good people

Petronel

So I guess that “Blacklist” spinoff didn’t work out, huh?

Spur

Eli just wants to play on his Switch.

LemonJello

Does Olivia let him play Super Smash Bros?

Senor Weaselo

Beats playing Adrian Peterson’s switch.

litre_cola

Get outta my head weaselo!

King Hippo

stupid Gigantes. Don’t make me watch baseball and/or pass out.

Doktor Zymm

I still have commercials! Am I missing shitty enough football that I should be happy?

King Hippo

you’ve missed NUH-shing!

Spur

I didnt get banner for my Cam head hit post?

herodotus450

And I didn’t get head for my hit banner post. Deal with it.

King Hippo

as related to both, complaining will get you a week in the barrel, if u noe wut I mean

Brocky

I still dont know how fronkensteen comparing Aaron Rodgers to a chick at bonoroo didnt make it.

I was legit hunched over laughing

herodotus450

If it’s too funny it will only demoralize the rest of the troops.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

That’s a painful looking wedgie

Romonobyl

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Petronel

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Too much ink and also looks a little stabby.
(tWBS learnt he lesson)

Senor Weaselo

She denies everything and does a really hammy dance, so it’s okay!

Spur

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King Hippo

little salt and pepper in the beard, presume that’s ok with the ladies, given that he’s still all cut and shit?

/am old and nae cut

Petronel

Very much so.

Doktor Zymm

That’s fine, but nawt quite sure what the pillow situation is, and smoking in bed is a nono

Petronel

Looks like a neck cramp and mattress fire in the making.

Sharkbait

Think anyone will retire at halftime?

Gatoraids

Viewers

Spur

Double J?????????? PLEASE!

litre_cola

Me

Romonobyl

I’m still keeping Sean Lee on my dead pool, just like every year.

The Maestro

I picked Tony Sparano, and now I feel kinda bad about that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I thought he was ded.
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Spur

good drive.

theeWeeBabySeamus

– Cam Newton after rolling an SUV

theeWeeBabySeamus

Who has two thumbs, is gonna be 2-0 in league, but also will easily have the lowest pt total of just about everyone?

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Meh, fuck it. I’m still 2-0.

King Hippo

Bill Maher is self-importantly kicking FGs??

LemonJello

I’d gladly take the roughing the kicker penalty to knock him on his ass.

The Maestro

All the way from the REDBLACKS to JerryWorld, indeed!

herodotus450

Most surprising is that he was dead center on the matter.

Doktor Zymm

Fine with Gigantes sucking, even fine with Dallas not being awful, but Zeke can fall in a wood chipper and I would give the smile and nod

Spur

DAK UP!

King Hippo

DAK! has his bollocks back

Ian Scott McCormick

Can’t wait to watch 40 bubble screens to Saquon that go nowhere for the rest of the night.

The Maestro

Elisha likes bubble screens because Mommy said he could go use one of his favorite toys at the end of the game.
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Ian Scott McCormick

Couldn’t be happier that they decided to forget about addressing the QB of the future or shoring up their D, to take a RB with the #2 pick. Clearly this is a win now team.

King Hippo

Shurmur wants to wait and draft his shitty kid. You heard it on DFO FIRST!

Romonobyl

It’s tricky tricky tricky!!!!!

Petronel
Doktor Zymm

Every time Zeke is tackled and not killed is a waste

King Hippo

my tattered fantasy hopes nod in approval

Romonobyl

Enough with the sugarcoating!

yeah right

I like the way you think Dok!

Romonobyl

Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga are remaking A Star is Born? Is there a reason for this?

Spur

Cooper wants an Oscar

The Maestro

Aw fuck, is he gonna launch his own Leo DiCaprio-esque campaign of overwrought blockbuster drama nonsense? Because I don’t think I can deal with that crap again.

Senor Weaselo

“No CGI bestiality involved? No chance, Bradley.” -Leo

King Hippo

Have you met any ppl lately??

LemonJello

Easier to do a remake than come up with an original idea?

yeah right

Weezer remade “Africa” for the same reason.

Because the original sucked too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

They did. I was very sad.

King Hippo

I LOVED the Weezer Afrika remake. Twas fire, man.

yeah right

C’mon man it wasn’t even done ironically!

Plus the singer’s upper register was way soft.

Spur

Give it to Zeke

Spur

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice hats.

Spur

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King Hippo

LEARN MATHS, Gigantes coach

Mr. Ayo

Why did you draft Barkely if you’re going to punt here?

/scribbles Game Over in notebook
//closes notebook
///starts drinking again

Ian Scott McCormick

You’re smart. I’m going to watch this game and walk away angry.

Petronel

Forty inch thighs? Jeebus, I want to meet his tailor, for that man MUST be a wizard.

Doktor Zymm

Right? Cause damn sure his waist is less

LemonJello

40 inch thighs? You have Andy Reid’s attention.

theeWeeBabySeamus

KFC be all jelly n junk.

The Maestro

Pat Shurmur thinks warm milk is too spicy.

LemonJello

Joe Flacco is aghast at this thought. All his life is now being brought into question.

Romonobyl

Blake Bortles…BLAKE BORTLES!!! ended the day with a higher QB rating and a win over Tom Brady. Apparently anything can happen today.

King Hippo

he really ain’t half bad when they move the pocket

Ian Scott McCormick

When Erick Flowers says he’s “All about the U” I keep hoping the U stands for “Unemployment”

King Hippo

it certainly ain;t the blocking

The Maestro

I’m 5’9″, 180 lbs. and I’m sure I’d still get penalized less than Ereck Flowers.

Senor Weaselo

And give up fewer sacks!

litre_cola

If OBJ could get tossed from this that would be great.

Doktor Zymm

Taking bets on how long before I walk downstairs and see how crappy what passes for a bar at this Courtyard by Marriott is

King Hippo

have you ever tried your hand at lounge singer? I think you have it in ya!

Romonobyl

The few I’ve been to lately don’t have lounges anymore. I do not support this trend.

litre_cola

Well the Mariott group is a part of Fairmont noe sooook it will be crappy but they will have a nice Mondavi White zinfandel.