Your “We Need To Talk About Tevin” Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

Ehh, I’ve talked about him enough. Besides, there are other things to vibrate the vocal cords about. Like, why the heckfire are you gonna watch this oh-so-entertaining shit show? Let’s talk about your childhood-did you fall out of a tree as a youngster? Did you hear your parents make grunting noises through that paper-thin wall your bed was resting against? He wasn’t trying to hurt her, you know. (most likely) Did you take an overnight trip with your best buddies to go see a dead body? Did Mr. Cuddles talk back to you? Did your older sister play “Cheeseburger in Paradise” on repeat while she did your nails? Were you told that “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” was a documentary? Did Uncle Touchy earn his nickname during the celebration after Joe Montana hit Dwight Clark in the end zone? Did you get an erection when you heard about the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion?

If you answered, “I’m not sure” to any of these questions…whoo boy! I don’t think you deserve to have Tevin Coleman on your fantasy roster. He deserves much, much better. Shall we wander over to the tilt at hand on this Thursday “Ya got anything better to do? I didn’t think so” night snoreperience. TO THE GAME!

Them Jets/Them Browns:

Binary code for these two squadoo’s combined record at this point (11011) can be translated loosely as “at least we’re not the Giants, haha” And yet, they still are who they are. Let’s let them off the hook for a wee bit and see how things go.

Amen.

 

 

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herodotus450
herodotus450

This play is so sloppy I can’t tell whether I’m watching the Browns or pre-season hockey.
/I’m actually only watching the hockey, I’m not an idiot

SonOfSpam

That last sentence is a paradox.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like the idea of the Jets advancing ten yard up the field each time the teams exchange punts.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

And fucking idiots want our brand new, fresh off the bench rookie to get destroyed…with this murder’s row of inept offensive linemen…

litre_cola

Looking very Buffalo-esque

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Can the Browns gain the requisite 10 yards to get into field goal range? Let’s find out!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

This game could end in a glorious 0-0 tie

King Hippo

Ron Howard Voice…

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

What the fuck was that scramble…..Darnold looked the same as my mother trying to swat a spider…

Gratliff

Man, the Browns. Why?

SonOfSpam

You sound like a Trump voter.

Brocky

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Because I don;t know what Joe and Troy did to get stabbed with Thursday Night Football, but I am drowning them out with music…

Redshirt

Can NFL Network fix the scorebar? Its out of alignment and its bothering me.

King Hippo

Vikes/RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! is kind of the anti-this game, eh?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If that special teamer was a *true* Brown he’d have been standing in the end zone when he downed that punt.

Redshirt

To illustrate how bad the Browns jerseys are, they’re color rush looks like crap with some carrot in it, and it is still 100x better than they normal home uniforms.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

That is some quality “run right into the receiver and not bothering to look for the ball” defense there.

Call me crazy…I thought that was a penalty…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s actually a pretty good trick, run full speed at the guy we make sure to look back four steps before you collide with him and you’re good.

King Hippo

I don’t recall that NOT being called in the NFL the last 10 years.

/still the safety potential is glorious

SonOfSpam

On a scale of 1 to Powder, how white is the name Brittain Colquitt?

Beerguyrob

He needs a “III” on the end.

King Hippo

Wow, this will be a good game to play defense, I guess

litre_cola

I picked the Browns up in 2 leagues.

SonOfSpam

Just did the same in my backyard. Stupid dogs.

King Hippo

Subbing for the Donks in my money league, DFO bench is too shallow.

SonOfSpam

Tyrod Taylor is so much better than anything Cleveland’s had at qb recently. It just looks wrong.

Redshirt

Its like when Jon Kitna starting winning games for the Bengals in 2003. We were happy we were winning again, but….Jon Kitna? I’ll always be a fan of his for starting the Bengals turnaround but still….Jon Kitna?

SonOfSpam

Yeah, sudden mediocre competence is that jarring.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

This is technically…considered to be a football match, between two actually professional football teams.

I know…I had to look it up too!

Brocky

joe: Now troy, you said if you were a gm, you’d draft sam darnold, is that correct?

Troy: that’s correct and the cats are locked in the salad with the french toast

joe:…. troy?

aikman looks off in the distance for a moment, looks back and awkwardly pats joe on the head

Troy: Your hair is funny!

SonOfSpam

Troy-as-Ralph-Wiggum is great.

Petronel

Uh, Joe? Just how high are you right now?

litre_cola

Well I cant speak for him but about a 3/10.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Fucking looked at the bottom of the screen and thought for a moment “I can’t believe we are fucking 0-11 already again”…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The two teams have combined for -8 yards passing so far.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh wow, what a revelation, Troy would have picked the biggest, dumbest guy.

King Hippo

he likes the rough trade

King Hippo

that #ThePauls D is legit, y’all

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

At least there’s fog. Fog is fun.

Beerguyrob

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Brocky

Some people are reluctant to admit that coverage of NFL teams is biased.

All this pregame coverage has been on the #3 pick starting for the jets.

And baker mayfield hasn’t mentioned once.

Yeah he’s not playing, but it’s not like Taylor has an iron grip on the starting job

King Hippo

overcoming Down’s Syndrome is better teevee than overcoming small hands, though

SonOfSpam

Be nice to li’l Magary.

Brocky

Oh jeez theres a little drew now? Is it darnold or mayfield

SonOfSpam

Darnold looks like a simple cousin.

Claymaker
Claymaker

The most Thursday possible thing would be a shitty first half, we all go to sleep, then an all-time classic finish featuring the astonishing return of Jim Brown.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Has anyone else noticed that when Joe Buck introduces himself, he makes it sound like *he* is the one who is in the Hall of Fame?

Smithchez
Smithchez

Gents. Everyone ready for the Jets to truly out-Browns the Browns?

King Hippo

I have moneys on it…so YES!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kind of. If the Browns win tonight it won’t be quite as humiliating when they beat the Raiders next Sunday.

Brocky

Hey erin….. sup girl…

Claymaker
Claymaker

Where are the eyes that looked so mild, haroo, haroo
Where are the eyes that looked so mild haroo, harooooo
Where the eyes that looked so mild when my poor heart you first beguiled?

Johnny I hardly knew ye!
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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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herodotus450
herodotus450

Brocky

So on a scale of 1 to 10 how pathetic am I for replaying that wrangler commercial like 4 times because of the girl in the beginning?

Beerguyrob

Incel?

Brocky

Damn dude that hurts

Beerguyrob

Sorry. I’m just bitter at being stuck at school until halftime. (Although tonight that might be considered a bonus.) I shouldn’t take it out on others.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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Beerguyrob

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litre_cola

This made me laugh way too hard.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Stormtroopers and a head coach in capri pants? Temple Owl football is weird.

SonOfSpam

Add in a baby elk and some shaving gel and you’ve got my exact fetish.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

As long as it’s not shaving creame ’cause that would be a kink too far.

WCS

4-4 tie?

Brocky

Speaking of which….

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litre_cola

Browns Jets?

WCS

This version of Alien 3 is even weirder.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I keep seeing online articles saying that this is a “must win” game for Hue to save his job.

He needs to win like 14 games in a row to save his fucking job. Its a moot point.

WCS

You sure?
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SonOfSpam

Good thing I had the Angels +19 today.

King Hippo

I appreciate how (at least by S5, ep3, when I noticed), Bojack’s animators updated Diane’s haircut in the final pool scene of the intro.

So far, not nearly as cripplingly depressing as I am used to, so I know they are just setting me up for the BIG kidney punch, and I can’t wait!

/kind of like when JSD watches FOOTBAW on Sundays, I guess?

litre_cola

But today is Thursday! I predict a Browns win.

King Hippo

Anyone else got money on #ThePauls? Why is everyone staring like that??

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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SonOfSpam

King Hippo

I am weirdly looking forward to seeing these two oddly entertaining (in a 20-car pileup way, but still) sides play. Not as bad as the 2017 varietals, fo sho.

/also, I was in middle school for Challenger so no doubt had pre-existing erection

King Hippo

//also also, am asking for alternate road navy Donks 55 jersey (Bradley Chubb) for Kwanzaa.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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SonOfSpam

How did you get video from Antonin Scalia’s funeral?

Wakezilla

Ice Also player, Max Dominican got suspended 3 games for punching Aaron Ekblad in the head. Somewhere in Ikea, Henrik Sedin is wondering why Ekblad didn’t get a 10 minute misconduct.

#2011StanleyCupwasfixed

Beerguyrob

It’s Swedish for “hit me harder”.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

So what is the color rush for crippling failure?

Wakezilla

Random thought on the train: You know in Saving Private Ryan the last battle scene, where the one American gets scared and curls up in a ball and cries while a Nazi slowly stabs the sniper to death?

Man, that guy is the worst because after the sniper dies, that Nazi could have killed the cry baby, but took pity. Once the re-enforcenents arrive and the Nazis surrender, what happens? The crybaby fucking shoots the Nazi that took pity on him in order to get the attention of the other POWs.

What a punk move. Kind of wish they showed cry baby stumble and shoot his dick off after that.

King Hippo

yeah, imagine the egg on everyone’s face when that movie came out…

Wakezilla

Everyone at that time were too busy covering up their erections. I have only seen Private Ryan once and it was in the theatre. I’m not sure why it entered my mind today. But that soldier was an asshole.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Yeah I fucking hated that entire character. He committed a fucking war crime because he is a pussy.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

BRICK’S CIRCLE OF TRUST:

1) Never trust anyone who uses the word “whilst”
2) Never trust anyone who backs into a parking space
3) Never trust anyone who is wearing an NFL jersey.
4) Never trust anyone who has a tribal tattoo on their bicep
5) Never trust anyone who has a tattoo on their face
6) Never trust anyone who has been on The Jerry Springer Show
7) Never trust anyone who is wearing a pinkie ring
8) Never trust anyone who is driving a white van
9) Never trust anyone who smiles all the fucking time

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Don T

The parking space one, I read as “Never trust anyone who breathes”.

litre_cola

Does this include futbol jerseys? I find those more stylish than any other. If so, do not trust me.

King Hippo

DUDE. You should noe better. When it’s Lesser Footy, it’s a futbol shirt.

SonOfSpam

The way those fancyboys fake injuries? Blouses.

Wakezilla

Don’t trust yourself. Your brain literally has methods to manipulate your perception of time and events in order for it to make sense.

King Hippo

what about those of us who always pull through parking spaces so as to produce the same end result?

litre_cola

You fuckers are the worst.

Senor Weaselo

I’m not even watching this game! A, I have rehearsal after playing a 30-minute gig, and 2, I’d be watching Yanks-Sawx if I were home anyway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is the Thursday-iest Thursday Night game ever, but I’m still going to be glued to the TV set*. Wiil the Browns be able to extend their winless streak? How will they pull it off this time?

*until my wife comes home and asks why I’m watching this and I bashfully explain that I was just flipping through channels and then she says “flipping through channels on the laptop?” and I go and run and hide in the bathroom.

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