Your “Something Ugly This Way Comes” Sunday Night Football Open Thread

He had a couple of angry scars that I couldn’t take my eyes away from. I barely knew him but we had this deal going for about a week now and the money was good. I’d play the out-of-towner that made a few bucks off this ugly-looking guy that was doing this 3 card monte thing. When I left folks in the crowd would ante up and when they lost they would blame their own hard luck. After all, that was the only thing they’d ever known their entire lives-and what the hell were they doing hanging out behind the burnt-out warehouse on Westinghouse Street anyway? Improving their lot in life? Not likely. Plus, the old man was very good. He had all the looks in his inventory-he could be surprised. He did a fantastic, “sorry for your luck” face. His exasperation at losing was worthy of a young Keitel in Mean Streets. He hadn’t gotten this far on luck.

We met, like we always did, in the alleyway in the middle of 3rd Street. He said the action had been good and he slipped me $200. This was great action, best I’d had in quite some time… But my nerve-endings were doing that thing again. He turned away with what for him would pass as a smile. The piece of rope that had seen more than a few things fit snugly around his neck. I got the usual scratches on the face as he flustered about. He went down relatively easy-I’d give it a 5 out of 10. When I went through his pockets I found exactly 200 bucks. It’s not often you find a straight-shooter like that. Oh well, time to move on. I raised my flask to the moon and yelled, “TO THE GAME!”

 

Bal/Pit:

What time is it? It’s Hayden Hurst time! “Who the fuckballs is Hurst?”, you so elegantly screech. Well, if you must know, he’s the first round rook te that is playing for the very first time tonight. A Ravens Nation holds its halitosis breath. The last time rb Collins lugged the ball vs. the Steelers iffy run D he got himself a measly 120 yards. I’ll bet Flacco’s room temperature gogurt that he gives him the rock a whole whack of times at the outset of the game. It’s the kind of treatment a lousy run D deserves.

Do your thing, tiny dancers.

 

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Doktor Zymm

Naw, it’s good that games are timed for the East Coast, the West is pretty shitty about sports, Oakland is one of the only good sports towns left in the Pacific time zone, and they losing their team. San Jose is kind of a stupid place, I think people do like the Sharks though, and I’ve been curling at their arena!

fleshwound_NPG

what is she supposed to do with all that wine?

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Spur

splinters

Mr. Ayo

That’s a nice bunghole.

...

*sighs*

Put it in some jugs.

*crosses arms*

Y’all happy I made that comment?

Doktor Zymm

Drink it, don’t ride it. Y’all ain’t doing it right

Doktor Zymm

It’s true, you should penalize a non-consensual reacharound

Doktor Zymm

MANIFEST BECAUSE WE HAD TO FINISH LOST

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

LET’S ALL THINK ABOUT LABIA UND BELL

Mr. Ayo

Flange?

fleshwound_NPG

couch in the bedroom right in front of the bed? that makes no sense

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Doktor Zymm

Actually been in a hotel room recently that had a chaise longue in that exact spot, and I did get shit of FB for it. You know, in case you can’t quite make it to the bed without fainting. That’s a full on couch though, weird.

Also, whatever this place is, they must use a bulk lingerie supplier, not much variation and those are some cheap elbow gloves

Brocky

…….still better than no gloves

Spur

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Is that an outtake from the filming of the opening scene of Casino Royale? I love that parkour shit.

Doktor Zymm

Remind me, what is the NFL definition of a ‘body part’?

The Maestro

“It’s only a ‘part’ once it gets separated from the rest of the asshole.” – Black Hole Raiders fans

Spur

Can the League put a Logo on it?

yeah right

Joe Flacco is still tired from detailing his Saturn.

herodotus450

How else will it retain resale value?

Doktor Zymm

So phones have the power to make things bigger or smaller now? I guess I’m not with it like the childrens.

Redshirt

I knew apps were getting more advanced but I did know they could increase the size of my….oh, you mean pictures. Never mind.

yeah right

That’s a paid app.

Doktor Zymm

Do I? not even sure, but probably not best to try it out without medical supervision 😉

...

No, but it may force you to be more honest:
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Mr. Ayo

FAKE NEWS!

Spur

You can’t measure from the eraser.

...

The algorithm has spoken.

Redshirt

That pencil was sharpened. How do we know I’m not being shortchanged. The pencil! The pencil I mean.

herodotus450

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Doktor Zymm

HOW MANY DOWNS ARE IT NFL?

fleshwound_NPG

unlimited technology, dozens of camera angles…still using old guys with bad vision to place footballs

Doktor Zymm

So, apparently they are now open to technology, but because they were hostile to it for so long they drove away all the companies that might do something simple like basic plane detection

fleshwound_NPG

0/10 awfully cheap sheets, that looks like someone’s basement

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Mr. Ayo

Yep, total skip.

Spur

Someone’s playing off some credit card debts.

Doktor Zymm

If she’s spreading for that bedspread….that’s just sad

Viva La Tabula Raza

You can almost smell the mildew.

Redshirt

I’m watching the Doctor Who where The Master took over as Prime Minister of Great Britain, and I’m finding some alarming similarities between Master’s Prime Ministership and Trump’s Presidency.

Doktor Zymm

Aw shit, who wants to spend a reasonable amount of cash to come hang out in the black hole in November? IDEA THIS CAN BE DFOCON

Redshirt

Are we talking a football game or an armed incursion?

herodotus450

Since when did black hole prices become reasonable? Usually there’s a hefty surcharge for that.

Mr. Ayo

I’ll only be in area the weekend before.

Spur

Civil War 2 should start at 8pm PST on November 4th this year.

Doktor Zymm

Decent seats are sub-$200

Mr. Ayo

I’m adding this to my online dating profiles.

...

Referring to myself as the “Stubhub”

Col. Duke LaCross

I’d be down, but I’ve already got a Vegas weekend that month.

yeah right

I’m intrigued. Willing to do further research.

Spur

Thomas Jefferson approves comment image

Viva La Tabula Raza

I wonder if the keys on the Salmon Sisters’ keyboards smell like fish.

Doktor Zymm

Should I go to Chargers@Raiders in November? I should go to Chargers@Raiders in November

Doktor Zymm

But the real question….do I buy tickets now, or wait a couple weeks for both teams to sink to shittier records?

...

Man, remember when things were fun?

LemonJello

/Thinks back
/Cringes in horror

No.

...

I was thinking particularly about Twitter, which was weird and fun in, oh 2015, but now is just a Hellscape where you commiserate with others trapped in the inferno that is the current world.

That being said, I did BOFA a MAGA dipshit a week or two ago and it was pretty satisfying.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Not since the 20th century for me.

fleshwound_NPG

2001 when I just moved into my dorm room freshman year august….

Spur

Early 2002 trolling was last fun I had. I keep posting pictures of Bears on their hind-legs as proof of Bigfoot on the Middle Tennessee Bigfoot Society. i got three different accounts banned before the fun ended.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That’s some quality trolling right there.

...

Now it’s just dodging Nazi mass reporting when you tell Gavin McInnes to eat your asshole… smdh

The Maestro

February 2017. I remember it well.

Redshirt

1993?

...

Y’all have bleaker stories than I do lol

fleshwound_NPG

is that blanket made of fur? PETA gonna shit.

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Doktor Zymm

Well, I’m pretty sure all the ‘wood’ furniture in the photo is particle board, so maybe it evens out? Not real pearls either.

Horatio Cornblower

The only thing real is the void in her eyes.

Spur

So we doing Ghost Stories/ shit you cant explain stories for DFO? send them in?

yeah right

Send them in. The best run on Halloween.

Redshirt

Where do we send them to?

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

‘Hey baby, how about a second half adjustment?’

Mr. Ayo

Wait, it’s already been 5 minutes?

fleshwound_NPG
Viva La Tabula Raza

So, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Does the pink motif begin with tomorrow’s game or not until Week 5 starts this Thursday?

Doktor Zymm

I would guess tomorrow, but we’ll see.

herodotus450

I still think we should be able to work on treatment BEFORE we reach 100% awareness.

Doktor Zymm

This. This is GOOD cheese.
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litre_cola

Oh an you Yancey.

...

Thinking of changing my Twitter handle to “Spongebob Avakian” once this baseball shit is over.

...

I’m also partial to “Leon Thotsky” even if it was in a Buzzfeed article.

...

Ooooh… or “Carly Rae Jeppson’s Malort”

fleshwound_NPG

that fancy mirror back there must’ve cost a bundlecomment image

Doktor Zymm

Nah, those sorts of mirrors aren’t all that expensive, but they’re a bitch to hang

fleshwound_NPG

wife brought one when she moved in and we never hung it, way too heavy

Doktor Zymm

Oh hey! I just realized I spent most of the day not remembering how awful humanity is! Aw, thank you football 😀

Mr. Ayo

Glad we could remind you!

Doktor Zymm

And the shitty 1st down replay call? I think that they were trying to make up for horrible Marshawn call earlier. Either that or officiating is just totally awful and basically random, but this is still somehow the best we can do and at least it’s better than FIFA?

Doktor Zymm

Also, SO HAPPY THE RAIDERS GAME WAS STILL ON DIRT

herodotus450

No no, it was the Browns who played like dirt. Well both teams maybe.

Doktor Zymm

The Browns unis at least don’t show the dirt as much, though I bet those safety orange kneesocks are hell to launder. Great for hunting season tho

rockingdog

found a funny:

Hi, I’m a dad and welcome to dad talk. I know we have recently covered topics like thermostats, pool chemical test kits and leaving tools out but today I’d like to talk about the significance of not pushing on the screen when opening a screen door.

Spur

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rockingdog

rut roh!

Doktor Zymm

Eh, I don’t even know who I want to win this game. As I said to the lady next to me, they say ties are like kissing your sister, but I’m an only child so I have no basis of comparison. I like ties, so kissing your sister must be pretty awesome?

Mr. Ayo

I only have step sisters, so I can only say that I’m NAWT finishing this post.

herodotus450

Looks like we still can’t remove Ted Cruz from the list of possible MAyo identities.

...

Hooboy is tomorrow gonna suck and I won’t even be able to drink my way through it

Doktor Zymm

Hey congrats on the super weird Bears blowout win!

Doktor Zymm

Fun story about Terrible Towels, when the local radio station first suggested the towel idea, it totally fucked over all the department stores in town, since everyone went in and bought the hand towels, leaving the stores with a lot of incomplete yellow bath towel sets.

Doktor Zymm

Yup, voice gone. Also, I met a Canadian Raiders fan!

Mr. Ayo

When he was apologizing for shanking you?

Doktor Zymm

No, but he did kind of apologize for moving up into the seats vacated by the suckers who left early

Doktor Zymm

I also learned that people from Quebec City hate Montreal?

Mr. Ayo

Really? Why? Do they use different French dialects?

Doktor Zymm

No clue, but dude felt the need to explain to us, complete strangers, about his hatred of Montreal. He’s probably not that normal, after all, Canadian Raiders fan. Facepaint and everything.

litre_cola

Oh no Derrius Heyward-Bey is questionable to return!

Doktor Zymm

Whenever they refer to going for 2 as going for the deuce….can’t help but think they’re talking about taking a shit

herodotus450

You gotta run fast sometimes if you wanna make the deuce.

rockingdog

bahahaha poop jokes!

herodotus450

Maybe LeVeon Bell is holding out cause he knows James Conner needs to get famous enough to meet his future wife Sarah.

Petronel

FATGUYSPIKE

Mr. Ayo

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Spur

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Wakezilla

Bet she has tasty french toast

Mr. Ayo

I love spinners.

fleshwound_NPG

red leather couch, that’s just a tad too tacky for my tastes

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Wakezilla

Makes you feel like you’re in an Opium Den

Mr. Ayo

On the other hand, you can leave some epic, long lasting stains.

litre_cola

The white kid returns kicks? Have they named a street after him yet?

The Maestro

He’ll get his own line of lunchpails if he keeps at it.

Doktor Zymm

Wheels are coming off Pitt this year, huh? And what’s the odds Brady hobbles off next year?

Wakezilla

Assuming he finally gets caught using PEDs? Very high

fleshwound_NPG

guessing this birthday party is not for kids, and just one balloon? not much of a party if you ask me

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Mr. Ayo

Wait until you she what she does with that balloon.

litre_cola

Ever been to Patpong in Thailand?

Mr. Ayo

I’m not here to talk about the past

Viva La Tabula Raza

Banana cutter!

Wakezilla

Someone is about to get quite the birthday present

Careful with that Axe Eugene

It’s a trap!!!

Doktor Zymm

Unfortunate thing about going to games, gotta wear pants. You know THAT noise is DONE.

Doktor Zymm

Also, Baker fuckin’ Mayberry, 43 pts on the board, less than 15 fantasy points. Browns finding new ways to Browns.