Your “Aren’t ‘Body Weight’ Penalties Actually ‘Body Shaming’ Penalties?” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • There were five roughing the passer penalties in Week 4.
    • It’s down from the 11 per week they averaged the first three weeks of the season.
    • Defensive players are still looking for clarify on the “body weight” issue.
      • Richard Sherman has the answer.

  • After last night’s performance, including that ridiculous left-handed shotput pass, people are starting to use terms like “gunslinger” and “Favreian” about Patrick Mahomes.
  • As widely reported, Le’Veon Bell is returning to the Steelers in Week-7.
    • At their bye week, so he gets paid & avoids contact.
    • However, the Steelers could go the hilarious route (because they’re quite cross with him)& apply for a roster exemption for Bell, and either deny him his paycheque or force him to negotiate a percentage before he returns & signs his franchise tender.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • NL Wildcard – Rockies at Cubs – 8:00PM | ESPN / Sportsnet
  • NBA Preseason Basketball:
    • Cavaliers at Celtics – 8:00PM | TNT
    • Raptors at Jazz – 9:00PM | Sportsnet1
    • Nuggets at Lakers – 10:30PM | TNT
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • the “go home” show before the Super ShowDown in Melbourne, AUS.

Just a reminder that, starting Wednesday, October is the bestest month in sports, because hockey starts, baseball playoffs start, and the NFL is in full swing. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Mr. Ayo

The problem with the small bears is no one knows who’s the captain since everyone technically has a C on their jersey.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Same problem with the Kansas City NFL team.

Unsurprised

Oh God Fucking Damn It.

Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit, MLB isn’t even pretending they don’t want the Cubs to advance. That is horrendous.

Horatio Cornblower

/Taps earpiece
I’m told by SonofSpam that the runner is an idiot and slid in over the bag. Will retract this if they come back from commercials for shitty beer and show a close-up of said dumbass slide.

Senor Weaselo

They won’t.

SonOfSpam

No, chances are excellent I’m wrong about this. Retract nothing, and double-down if necessary.

Senor Weaselo

Sure thing, Mr. President!

SonOfSpam

YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WE VOET!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Is…is that the outflow of a woodchipper?

because if it is, that’s even dumber than it looks, and that is a really high bar!

SonOfSpam

Yes, because the Cubs aren’t good for ratings like the Rockies.

Unless I misinterpreted what you’re saying.

Or, as a Yankees fan, you have unreasonable empathy for uber-popular teams?

Horatio Cornblower

No, I’m saying that the Rockies are getting screwed, because, from every replay I saw, that runner beat the throw to second by two feet, and MLB upheld the out call. It didn’t even look close.

Naturally, the announcers have nothing to say about this. Goddamn cowards.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Ok, good. I’m glad I fucked that up, preserving my faith in you.

YOU ARE THE FUTURE!

Horatio Cornblower

Well the future is probably a dystopian hellscape, so at least I’ve got the right figure for it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Small market teams always bring the rating up……

Horatio Cornblower

Safe by a mile at second.

This is why replay is a necessary evil; the umpires are fucking terrible.

SonOfSpam

I think he shoulda been, but he slid in with his foot higher than the base. Because he sucks.

Mr. Ayo

WHAT!?!?!

Mr. Ayo

Have they replaced the umps with NFL refs?

SonOfSpam

They also replaced the clubhouse coffee with Folgers Crystals. Let’s see if anyone’s old enough to get that stupid reference!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Folgers crystal is worthless.” – Ryan Leaf, referring to his dealer Pierre “Froggy” Folger.

SonOfSpam

I like how you gave his dealer a French first name and an appropriate nickname. What’s his backstory, or are you saving that for a Leaf/Raiders post HOLY SHIT THAT’S A GOOD IDEA.

SonOfSpam

“Cishek” is Latvian for “Tekulve”

Horatio Cornblower

Getting ready for the second set of enormous thunderstorms to roll through. Hoping the power holds up through this set.

At least, when the latest thunder rolled, the dog stopped glaring at me because he wasn’t getting a walk and just curled up in his favorite chair. Learn to read a radar, dog, it was never gonna happen tonight.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Jason Heyward is forever playing up to his contract. (His contract says “please fail a lot”)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

ROCKTOBER!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

That’s Racktober.

Mr. Ayo

Racktoberfest

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, I’ll admit my misapplication mistake.

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus fuck, Rockies-catcher-I’ve-never-heard-of.

SonOfSpam

Classic bad-field, can’t-hit catcher.

Horatio Cornblower

Gary Sanchez has a twin?

SonOfSpam

Ain’t no baseball party like a catcher’s interference party.

Rikki – please to explain, yes?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To be clear, that balk thing was completely ripped off from Jon Bois.

SonOfSpam

Well, he’s still getting that sweet-ass Waltons residual cash, so fuck him.

Senor Weaselo

“Catcher’s Interference? I don’t know about that.” -Jacoby Ellsbury

Horatio Cornblower

he probably doesn’t now, given all of his concussions.

Senor Weaselo

No, Ellsbury’s the hip, or something. Frazier’s the concussions!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll take two more of those, please.

SonOfSpam

Pitchers like Ottavino and Mike Leake who have single-digit jersey numbers shouldn’t exist.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is an really weird thing to hate on. Sorta like some of tWBS’s VERY specific fetishes.

SonOfSpam

I know what I hate, and I hate that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

All those things.

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, fuck Babe Ruth.

SonOfSpam

He was ok on the Red Sox.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The original Rocket Mortgage ad included the Baylor mascot buying some Rohypnol off the internet.

SonOfSpam

Don’t worry, Ken Starr fixed all that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Red Rocket Mortgage tries harder.

SonOfSpam

YAY dog boner jokes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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We need to diversify. Especially with Andy Dalton playing well.

Horatio Cornblower

After following some Cubs fans on Twitter during the regular season, I am really rooting for the Rockies to pull this one out.

SonOfSpam

Luckily, there are no Rockies fans on Twitter or anywhere else.

Senor Weaselo

That’s Rays fans. Sorry, fan.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rockies fans really try, but they can’t hold a candle to the assholishness idiocy of Cubs fans.

Unsurprised

People who do that really do deserve to swallow glass.

SonOfSpam

Isn’t Almora one of those fish that clings to another fish or something?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No you’re thinking of George Romero.

SonOfSpam

Romero? BUILD THE WALL LOCK HER UP GET $400 MILLION FROM YOUR DAD AND CLAIM YOU’RE SELF-MADE

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://time.com/5412525/kate-middleton-plants/

I know everyone here likes to keep up on the important news.

King Hippo

I really hope all these royal cunts (gender non-specific) get HuntaAIDS and die.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

I’d hire him over Patrick Swayze.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This guy might be dead now too.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, unless the date of that GIF is “today” then that’s a good bet.

Unsurprised

Shit. My tits are bigger than his.

Senor Weaselo

The Masturbating Bear next to him, not jackin’ it for once.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I see that military recruitment ads are becoming less help-y and more explode-y.

Gratliff

They should’ve just stopped with the Marines dragon slaying one and changed the uniform at the end for each branch

Unsurprised

Well, help-y isn’t drawing in the sufficient number of soulless psychopaths they need to keep maintaining the blockade in Yemen that’s starving a million people to death or piloting the drones that nuke weddings from low orbiting platforms.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t normally tout my own jokes (more than once per thread) but I think my Gruden one on the Boltman-Predator video is worth checking out, ICYMI.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Nothing could be more insanely batshit and nihilistically hilarious as his real bullshit-laden testimony.

Mr. Ayo

All banner quotes should require pandering immediately after.

King Hippo

I don’t think either side wants to win this “series.”

Mr. Ayo

Well that was dumb.

litre_cola

That was some fucking stupid baseruning

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They scored that a base hit? Jesus.

King Hippo

official scorers are America’s true snowflaeks

Mr. Ayo

Have to think they’ll correct that at some point. The ball even hit his glove.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Base Hit Jesus.

Mr. Ayo

RIP Dirt Donkeys

Mr. Ayo

Small Bears curse is BACK!

King Hippo

PLEASE GOD

King Hippo

dumb motherfucking RF

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

There is what I’m assuming is a bug outside my window that’s making a noise that sounds suspiciously a lot like a Predator. If I suddenly go missing,, I’ve failed in my attempt to convince him Dean Spanos is the deadliest prey and he still holds a grudge over this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uggLvpFGQs

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

With that McFadden jersey I’m impressed the Predator stayed healthy long enough to make it into the ring.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Why didn’t the Predator activate his franchise-issued self-destruct device?” – Jon Gruden

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

BANNER THAT SHIT

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh shit that reminds me…

Senor Weaselo

I’m surprised the Predator didn’t pull out a knife or three.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

ARod just said that Lester is feeling sexy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did he say it shirtless in front of a mirror?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

What, did he accidentally walk past a dispensary?

EDIT: Turns out real life is stupider.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

BALK RULES! IMPORTANT!
1. You can’t just be up there and just doin’ a balk like that.
1a. A balk is when you
1b. Okay well listen. A balk is when you balk the
1c. Let me start over
1c-a. The pitcher is not allowed to do a motion to the, uh, batter, that prohibits the batter from doing, you know, just trying to hit the ball. You can’t do that.
1c-b. Once the pitcher is in the stretch, he can’t be over here and say to the runner, like, “I’m gonna get ya! I’m gonna tag you out! You better watch your butt!” and then just be like he didn’t even do that.
1c-b(1). Like, if you’re about to pitch and then don’t pitch, you have to still pitch. You cannot not pitch. Does that make any sense?
1c-b(2). You gotta be, throwing motion of the ball, and then, until you just throw it.
1c-b(2)-a. Okay, well, you can have the ball up here, like this, but then there’s the balk you gotta think about.
1c-b(2)-b. Fairuza Balk hasn’t been in any movies in forever. I hope she wasn’t typecast as that racist lady in American History X.
1c-b(2)-b(i). Oh wait, she was in The Waterboy too! That would be even worse.
1c-b(2)-b(ii). “get in mah bellah” — Adam Water, “The Waterboy.” Haha, classic…
1c-b(3). Okay seriously though. A balk is when the pitcher makes a movement that, as determined by, when you do a move involving the baseball and field of
2. Do not do a balk please.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Banner…if we don’t mind extending the mast head 754%

Unsurprised

HAHAHAHAHA
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Stolen Valor: the Jon Bois story (directed by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fairuza Balk is all kinds of sexy in my balk.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

Slowpitch is weird but sexy in Korea.

Senor Weaselo

But only when there are runners on.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Never forget!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is this a balking pitcher?

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Unsurprised

Thank you for reminding me that as stupid as football is, there is at least one dumber and more awful sport out there.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

On the radio there was a LOT of Mahomes ball washing; seems odd as he is too brownish for the jock sniffing media to do this. Maybe they are just gearing for the fall.

litre_cola

His hair is getting more Kaep by the day…

Unsurprised

Media people are as blind as they are stupid.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just wait until a fight breaks out in a nightclub (that he left an hour earlier). Then the hot taeks will arrive.

King Hippo

the kid is really fucking good. The media REALLY is trying to get me to hate him, though.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The fact that even I don’t hate him (yet) should say something.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They avoid Tyreke Hill’s pregnant girl friend punching as much as they do THE BEN rapist subjects.

litre_cola

Did A Rod just call a guy Desmond Howard? Jesus these guys are bad. Give me Joe Buck for beisbol please.

herodotus450

Rockies Cubs, eh? Looks like Larry Walker and Sammy Sosa have the night off, eh?

herodotus450
King Hippo

speaking of shit I did not bet (and never would have in a billion years) how about Everton castoff Nikola Vlasic scoring in the 2nd minute for CSKA Moscow v. Real Madrid, and it holding up for all 90?

litre_cola

Still can’t believe our Young Boys got taken to the woodshed.

scotchnaut

edit-drunker than fuck.

King Hippo

hey, it’s Tuesday. Who ain’t??

Senor Weaselo

Holliday’s starting? Bold strategy, Cotton.

Mr. Ayo

Woah, it just kind of worked?

litre_cola

I want Lester to lose his mind on this umpire. It will happen by the 4th inning.

King Hippo

Confucious say “man cannot lose what man do not have”

litre_cola

That is a bullshit call, should have scored blackmon.

Mr. Ayo

It’s alright. Lester is still pitching. They’ll be fine.

King Hippo

I should have bet on the Asshole Small Bears to ensure Dirt Donks trimuph.

litre_cola

As soon as the Rockies scored I laid money on the small Bears

herodotus450

Whoa slow down there Jerry Richardson.

Senor Weaselo

Ivy controversy already!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I may or may not be in line for my first attempt at Monkish. Don’t tell Horatio.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

They’ve been known to Increase The Fog Significantly. I hope you didn’t drive.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m still fighting a cold or flu or whatever, so this is all going right into the fridge/a box to Connecticut.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

[Snaps fingers] “Mailing germs?! That’s a great way to do it!”

— Greg Schiano

Senor Weaselo

Arizona peeps (so, Blax), you going to the Taco Festival?

King Hippo

That’s no way 2 talk about Lilith Fair ,, smgdh

scotchnaut

Song you want played at your funeral? Consider the floodgates open…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI0y1AMGQ_M

King Hippo
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’ve given this thing way too much thought. Probably this one more than the others:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTrH8ODyyps

King Hippo
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I would have also accepted Drown Me Slowly.

Redshirt

Something not sad. I was raised that death isn’t a time for sorrow; Its a time to celebrate a life completed and a soul gone to Heaven.

My grandma had us have a toast over her grave at the end of the ceremony. I’m going to have the same done at the end of mine.

King Hippo

but we are all hell-bound ,, smh

King Hippo

and in all serious, I’d rather not have a funeral at all, I find them more than a little creepy. REALLY don’t want any corpse display. But I will be ded, so really doesn’t matter much to me anymore, I guess.

Senor Weaselo

Eric Idle answered this question on Colbert last night in reference to everyone using “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.” His response? “Sit on My Face.”

As for me I’ll get to this later tonight when I can get to the compy. Because I STILL haven’t gotten my hard drive swapped because I’m lazy.

Gratliff
Gratliff
Gratliff

This somewhere in the middle there
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMmTkKz60W8

herodotus450

Wedding or funeral, it still works.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GZuzlmpbOs

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not my final answer, but this is the first thing that came to mind:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEIceHIxvtI

Senor Weaselo

My answer would be either something I’ve written or one of the movements of the Bach Sonatas & Partita. If I want to be a dick, either the Chaccone or the C Major Fugue.
/This has been your “It’s culture, you assholes” post
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nZNHeZHX9E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdcFNunR5YM

Unsurprised

Ooof. Being a lawyer is harder than it looks.

scotchnaut

-A Caveman

scotchnaut

In my first fantasy league I’m 2-2

In my second fantasy league I’m 4-0

In my third fantasy league Jennifer Aniston won’t take “NO!” for an answer.

Redshirt

Well, since I’m such a nice guy, I guess I’ll do you a favor…

P.A. Announcer: “Pitch hitting for Scotchnaut…”

Redshirt
Senor Weaselo

Except you’re working on trying to get to zero hearts, not two?

blaxabbath

And PSL is back!