God is dead. So why not watch a bit of the old football? It’s not like I’m going to judge you.
-Friedrich “The Funky Philologist” Nietzsche
These two wet, stinking dogs are gonna give us many reasons to laugh and joke and cry (that’d be me, mostly). TO THE GAME!
Schmeagles/Jizzants:
Both these squadoos are looking to TURN THEIR SEASON AROUND! according to all the narratives out there. The return of qb Wentz was supposed to have given the Philly side a B12-like shot in the arm but he’s 1-2 as a starter and now he’s without rb Ajayi who is on the IR with the old torn ACL. Will Smallwood or Clement pick up the enormous amount of slack? Remains to be seen. Rumours abound that the front office will be trading for Bell or McCoy or perhaps re-animating the corpse of Wilbert Montgomery. When reached for comment Montgomery said, “I’m not dead yet!” He was promptly clubbed over the head by someone that had an eerie resemblance to Howie Roseman, general manger/necromancer of the Eagles. Philly must have this one because out of division the likes of the Panthers, Saints, Rams and Jags lie in wait. Not pretty. The good old ESPN ran a hit piece on old (so very old) Eli that pointed out that he sucks. The immobile weird face-maker is on pace to be sacked 51 times and his QBR the last two seasons averages out to a paltry 46.5. (that’s really bad) Let’s hope the Giants take this one so that the NFC East will resemble a logjamclusterfuck for many weeks to come.
Have at it, kiddos.
The Andrea Kremer-Hannah Storm broadcast of this game has Charles Barkley calling into the booth right now. He is adding exactly as much as you would guess.
Seriously, the guy brings less to the table than an anorexic at a potluck.
None for me, thanks!
Or Andy Reid at a potluck after he was stuck in traffic for half an hour on his way over.
Brag time: last week, the football team we played has this great tradition where the coach of the opponent awards kids from teh other team “MVP”. So my son, who is built like a tank, got the MVP for offense. And my heart was happy and I had a man tear. And then the coach from the other team came up to me and said, “I am putting together an all star team to play in a tournament, I’d like your son to play with us.”
Yes, I know, it’s just u-10 football, but wow, what a great feeling when your children accomplish good things in sports. Plus, this coach could NOT have been more gracious, genuine, and completely doing it becuae he loved the game.
Who says youth sports is a bad thing?
Todd Marinovich
No shit backs are jumping all the time; any high shot ends up being a flag so every defender ends up low enough to hurdle.
Has Flowers jumped the stands and choke Eli yet?
He tried, but was called for a false start.
Broncos. Cardinals.
Tune in to see who got nicer jerseys.
“We might be in Jersey but we got better jerseys!” that’s going on a fucking tshirt because it was so bad it was great.
Us and Colombia tied 2-2 in Lesser Footy Friendly action.
At least one of you degenerates has money on it.
I would have bet on Coca Bros., but out of moneys until/unless Guns Up!! and/or Bear Down FOAR Midterms wins.
I’ll go to bed now and read about the Giants loss (due in part to Alshon’s 3 TD’s Woo!) tomorra.
Folks
Salam!
Mole man.
Yer majesty.
Hours of fun, sending cars flying into each other and into the walls, then lying about the holes in the wall to Mom. ‘I dunno, mice?”
?v=1525933800
God, that picture makes me so happy.
I had different holes in my walls to lie to my parents about.
This game is on Amazon prime but is also optional viewing, right?
I built models, most of them ended in smashed plastic wrecks. this was one of them
When I finished my model of the Bismarck it looked remarkably like it actually does right now.
Most of mine fell prey to firecrackers. In retrospect, I guess I’m lucky to have use of both of my eyes.
I still build models. I don’t destroy them with a BB gun and firecrackers anymore, but gottdamm did I when I was a young LemonJello.
Apache heli and M1A1 were all Spur built. My mom was worried i was huffing the glue.
https://imgur.com/gallery/bwxTgw2
I love the school advertisements during the college games. They’re trying to make Lubbock fucking Texas look appealing. The only thing to do there is drive to Amarillo to look at the tree. At least the town isn’t dry anymore.
“The” tree. Sounds about right.
:Nods and grins :
Chip Kelly
Oh wow is this something.
“Come to Tulane! There’s only a 30% chance your dorm will be underwater in September!”
before Our Lady of the Lake, Spur was a Red Raider, always will be
“nobody’s got better jersey’s than us”
Wow, i think someone might need a ghost writer. cause that was fucking stupid.
Seriously? A commercial where Troy Aikman is disinterested in what someone else is ranting about?
2018 has broken irony.
Somebody needs to torch Tide
There are a lot of confused Klansman that are conflicted by this statement.
You mean Bama? Sad thing is…they’s easily gonna be the most likable team in the playoffs. I struggle to see how ANY of Clemson, ND, and tOSU fail to get in. The only ranked team Clemson plays the rest of the year is fucking NC State, at home (and possibly if Miami makes the ACC title game). ND plays NO MOAR ranked sides. tOSU plays B1G opponents, so…no. Just no.
Tide fans love: the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Patriots, the Capitals, basically any frontrunner. They all can eat shit and die.
OBJ got ramen for hair.
My uncle gave me this game and it fucking made my life complete
I bought the porno from a junkie when I was 14.
I had the sequels, Rear Admiral and Stern Shot.
Man, are Los Gigantes liquid shit
So we’ve had ribs the last two nights. I think tonight we’ll have rib fried rice.
Pretty awesome to get six full meals out of $20 worth of ribs.
Andy Reid looks at screen as if he’s just seen Bigfoot
Another motherfucking classic
I’ve been inside a Buffalo Wild Wings once, and man was that Cansius female soccer player flexible.
is it just me, or is she even MOAR BEAUTIFUL this season??
It’s not just you.
O, HAI!
Oh hi, WCS
I’ve noticed that sometimes when you post a jpg using “copy image location” the picture posts fine. Other times, it’s just the link that shows up.
What kind of wizardry is this?
It’s got to be https to post.
And even then, sometimes imgur links don’t work.
Ah, makes sense. I will look for images with that prefix.
Welp, with the Giants sucking, all I have left is NASCAR
For Eli? Olivia will never allow it.
Today is National Coming Out day, brought to you by Closet Factory
I thought it was sponsored by Buffalo Gals.
that trash touchdown as to be ajayi rip so many of my rbs this year
Pace yourself with the shots, man, it’s only the first quarter.
warp speed to fantasy oblivion
These Gints sure have it in for Clement
PUT IN SMALLWOOD!!!
No you heathen, Clement please.
My consolation is money league opponent has Alshon AND Clement on his bench.
Why bring up my junior prom now?
Post-concussion Wayne Chrebet had an interesting reminder to have sex with his wife.
Monday’s Injury Update:
Eli Manning: Gone to the big McDonald’s ball pit in the sky.
Maybe it’s explained earlier, but why did that guy have like five golf balls on the ground?
He’s a broker, I assume he’s a cheating whore.
“Ain’t nothing wrong with playing multiple balls!” – Brandon Marshall
Broker? I NEVA EVEN FUCKED HER!
Jesus christ, they don’t make ’em like this anymore. WHAT A FUCKING GREAT GAME!
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z5H8XT5o_0M/UAdRAtJPa_I/AAAAAAAABkY/UWgy69t2kX0/w1200-h630-p-k-no-nu/2012-07-18_17-10-24_751.jpg
Wow! It’s like Stratego but with two levels!
I fucking loved that game.
The game pieces were so amazing.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
Boo no safety
Why is Elisha still in the game? Even Aikman is shitting on him.
When you say “Why is Elisha still in the game?” do you mean this game specifically, or just still playing in NFL despite clearly being toast.
YES
Think about last year. I can tell you from experience that when you’ve embarrassed yourself by pulling out too early, there’s a tendency to overcompensate in the other direction and keep it in too long until there’s an unfortunate explosion.
Eli taking the eagles on his back
Hey, we’re all friends here, right?
[eyes dart from side to side]
I wanna come clean.
[whispers from side of mouth]
I hate brown eggs. They take jobs away from white eggs and I don’t think that’s right.
Last night my wife brought home a 12 pack of Guiness Blonde, and a 18 pack of 16 ounce Miller Lites. We then had sexy time.
All of that good fortune caused the stock market to go down like a 10 dollar hooker.
My apologies to the world.
Just tell me that you shot the Miller LItes with a M1911 .45 as foreplay?
I’ll admit, I drink the hell out of Miller Lite. Sure there’s time for good beer but i want to dull the living hell that is my life.
Miller Lite isn’t like Bud Lite (tasteless but gets you drunk), it has a very particular taste that people either love or hate. One of my drinking buddies from law school (crazy fucker from Baton Rouge) always ordered Miller Lite or “whatever you have that tastes most like Miller Lite.”
Pabst Blue Ribbon is my go-to cheap beer.
playing cards, I would always get 4 16-oz cans of High Life.
KY-JELLY CAN’T MELT GLASS BOTTLES
I can usually get laid after my wife has 30 beers, too.
I agree. My wife’s dick is tough to manipulate in that state though.
7-3 and we’re not out of the 1st quarter yet? What NFC East wizardry is this!?
Don’t worry. There won’t be much more scoring from here on out. The celestial scales will balance everything out.
Sounds like my Prom.
Are we alternate reality duplicates?
“Buddy, no I actually like you”
“Bullshit, everyone says thaatttt. Wheresss the fucken Draino jungle juice?”
I spent the evening of my senior prom drinking somethign called “Peaches and Cream” along with malt liquor in teh back of a ryder truck, cursing women with my good friend Tony Serafini. Later on, I made a drunken pass at someone else’s date.
Guns Up!!/Bloodeyes could go into the half at 7-3. I’m scared.
My all time favorite monster
C’mon, man; she’s not that bad-looking.
that tip pass aroused sir lazerface congratz to the wife on their next spawn
We made a new team at work – i hate that fucking word – and I’m in charge of two millenials. One is so goddamn great that she’s gong to be fucking presdient one day.
The other is a good kid, but he’s kind of . . . a pussy. So I have to instruct him and teach him that his job is his job. He can’t do what he really wants to do. But this position is actually perfect for him.
I’m going to be a good coach, and teach him, and push him a little. Then I’ll probably shove a fucking candlestick down his throat and skin him alive.
Fair.
So how old are these kids, because millennials are like 40 now
real millennials call a 40 year old a boomer
I don’t know, maybe 30s? I really want to pass on meaningful lessons and teach them. I want them to know that sometimes life sucks, but you have to rise above, bust your ass, and fucking succeed. Plenty of people did it for me, and I want to do the same. But Christ, they can be so fucking sensistive.
BUDDY VIRGIN EARS CAN’T HANDLE MEAN SWEARS
/cries into my Fortnight Deluxe set
I’m only 30’s myself, but I also came up working night shift stocking shelves and stacking lumber, so my skin is acceptably thick. I’m never sure what to make of the whole thing. On one hand, I don’t think people should have to work in an environment they’re not comfortable in. On the other, they need some kind of armor against basic fucking banter. Maybe a half-semester college course their freshman year where a boomer calls them a dumb cunt for 6 weeks. My pet peeve with the youngin’s, and this may be more the earlier 20’s types than the millenials, is this inexplicable acceptance and deference to authority and stupid rules. Way too many fucking snitches among the Youths and way too much threatening to tell on people.
“Way too many fucking snitches among the Youths and way too much threatening to tell on people.”
J. Paterno journal entry, 11/9/11
That 2nd kid describes me scarily good.
Millenial women, in general, are my favourite people to work with. They get where business is going better than anyone, and are sponges for learning. SUPER proactive and whip-smart.
Part of it is they have had to overcompensate for the dispshittery of their male cohorts.
FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS COMMERCIAL
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
/rhythmic clapping sound
feet tangle is not a penno. Also Hippo did NAWT NEED a SaquonDOWN this early in teh fantasy evenin
Because i can’t cry all the time.
Great. Now I’m thirsty.
Saquon is a talent.
So today, a local university named a white guy to be the head of a school that was named for a black woman. There is so much butthurt going on, it’s unbelievable. Students are saying they will not attend classes, even if they are required, to protest. So, when they fail for being complete cuntheads, their parents will demand they all get passing grades.
Fucking kill me.
That’s what they get for going to West Oprah State.
Is this man adequately woke??
He was the best person for the job. The other candidate, a black woman, dropped out because she got a better job.
This is what drives me nuts about today’s protests. In the past, they protested over a grave injustice. Now they protest if they don’t get exactly what they want.
It’s also why I’m not super big on “protest culture” in general.
Fuck. That could be a solid meme.
It’s so goddamn pointless. Our country is fucked.
Unless that protest is being led by a past-over more qualified black candidate, unleash the firehoses.
Liberal identity politics are so fucking stupid. Then again, liberals are fucking stupid and identity politics is 99% worthless nonsense that doesn’t actually address systemic issues because the people pushing them aren’t actually trying to fucking fix anything.
It’s like anything – it can be carried way too far. Like it is here. There is nothing wrong with taking issues of race, gender, LGBT equality into consideration. You just don’t turn things into a circus that makes it look like RWNJ lies actually have some foundation in reality.
It’s like how intersectionality was supposed to be a tool for solidarity and instead it got weaponized into more narrow and particular tribalism of groups in groups in groups. Because we’re dumb and easily manipulated.
Of all the fucking hills to die on, spoiled white kids pick the worst every time.
saq hop speed
“Now Elisha, you give that ball to your friend Saquon every time, okay?”
“HIS NAME IS SILLY!”
“Just do what I say Elisha.”
I foresee lots of handoffs
More than a Thai massage parlour?
1. Find person who created fortnight.
2. Rob him blind.
3. Heat up iron rod.
4. Insert it so far up his fucking ass he spits embers.
5. Relax with a tall cold Todd Haley
I mean, it’s not a bad game, but goddamn, children.
It’s completely taken over my kids, and I battle it every night. So, my fault I guess.
eh, like everything else it will burn out on its own eventually. Best to leave it be.
Someone at work talked to me for five minutes about that game. I’ll never get those five minutes back.