Your “Pulse is Steady, Will Continue To Monitor Vitals” 2nd Round of NFL Football

It’s another one of those slogs but with each other’s support, I think we can make our way through this. Shall we keep the ball rolling along its merry way? Sure we will! TO THE GAMES!

Bills/Colts:

I can recall way back in 2018 when this was Nathan Peterman’s team. It didn’t last too long however. Shortly afterwards it became Josh Allen’s side. Alas, due to injury it became Peterman’s again. Now? In steps venerable, grizzled vet Derek Anderson. He’s had all of 15 or so days to memorize all the plays that fall short of their/his aim. They tell me he was once (and only the one time) a Pro-Bowler. It’ll likely not matter that much. The Colts D is like the Swiss Guard-more of a ceremonial unit trotted out on special occasions. They’re giving up more than 30 points a game these days.

Browns/Bucs:

With Carlos “The Jackal” Hyde traded away, it might be time for The Chubby Bubbster to assert himself in Cleveland’s offensive backfield. Both squads are looking to get their 3rd win of the season which will vault them into the oh-so-precious “.500 Zone”. The weirdo stat working against the home team is that Baker Mayfield is standing on the shoulders of the giants that came before him. The Bucs are 1-10 vs. rook qb’s since 2010.

Lions/Dolphins:

How are the Fins at 4-2? My best guess is a weaker-than-a-toddler schedule and a league-leading 11 interceptions that create more chances for the O than they legitimately deserve. Detroit is coming off a bye though and you know what they say when Matt Patricia has had two weeks to prepare for an opponent… They don’t say anything? Huh.

Panthers/Eagles:

My cherry-picked stat (it’s for you!) tells me that the Eagles, despite their troubles still have the #1 pass rush in this here league and they’re 17-3 in their last 20 at “Duck? That’s Not A Duck! Ow!” Field. You will anyway but you fine gentlemen should start your Ertz. Carolina has had some issues covering that spot.

Pats/Bears:

One of these 4-2 teams are not the same. Or are they? New England doesn’t have a road win this year. Gronk is out with a wonky spine. Mack (he has such teeth, dear) and his ankle are in. Done.

Texans/Jags:

Both teams have superior run D’s so don’t expect a helluva lot on the ground. I see plenty of stalled O’s and a game that has “12-10” final written all over it.

Vikes/Jets:

As mentioned in the previous thread, the super sexy weasely pick for those that are down and out receiver-wise is Deontay Burnett. He’s an undrafted slot wr that was Darnold’s fave at USC last year. That’s 86 catches, 1,100 yards and 9 TD’s worth of fave.

One o’clock EST beckons… We can do this!

 

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Fronkenshteen

WHY did I chase Frank Gore points?!

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King Hippo

Neutral towards the Drake!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

BUT chaotic neutral!!

King Hippo

Jeeeeeeeebus, Horse Balls. You lose your all caps privileges.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Hot tub party circa 1342

Doktor Zymm

Brownies acting like they ain’t from Cleveland!

Doktor Zymm

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m swinging dammit, leave me the fuck alone.

– Dog

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ThePirateSloth

Heeeeey maaan, ya got any treats man? Be a lot cooler if you diiiid.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nothing inspires me to do yard work more than having the Texans offense take over Red Zone.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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fleshwound_NPG

come on buffalo, put the peterman back in again

https://twitter.com/ByTimGraham/status/1054078809258029056

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Matt Patricia better hope George Zimmerman doesn’t catch him in that black hoodie.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NICE!

Fronkenshteen

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ThePirateSloth

Even though I’ve seen Empire Strikes Back countless times, even though I can expertly BE Han Solo in the movie, even though it’s on TBS right now with commercials… I hate watching the Patriots, I hate listening to Dan Fouts so gotdamned much, that I keep wanting to watch Empire instead.

This deal is getting worse all the time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Back door to heaven.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s time for me to go into the yard and shovel some compost, which I remind you is not a euphamism for coaching the Browns.

fleshwound_NPG

Wait, is the Peterman comin back in?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

He’s reviving an old, respected profession. Used to be you weren’t anyone unless you hired pro-mourners for your funeral

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have to admit; a grand is a good price for that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can ya bury him in there for an extra grand?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No! He is also cry at the reading of my will (when he doesn’t get paid).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Stafford Truffle Shuffling for the 1st

Gratliff

Panthers sliding from sorta suck to utter shit before our eyes

King Hippo

just sneak it with fatass

theeWeeBabySeamus

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

They heards ya

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The only thing Fatty Ice sneaks is halloween candy into his bed to eat after lights out.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I really adore the doggy life vests.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I do too. We might be weird.

Doktor Zymm

Nah, I think that’s a totally normal thought

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, like YOU’RE any more normalier than the rest of us.

theeWeeBabySeamus

What? That could be real word.

theeWeeBabySeamus

D’awwwww

Doktor Zymm

TD de Leon

Doktor Zymm

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Horatio Cornblower

This looks like a new CBS show SEAL TEAM 7: NEWFOUNDLAND

Beerguyrob

Moar like CBC show.

Beerguyrob

“No golden retrievers survived.”

— Fox News

theeWeeBabySeamus

So, how do you think they elected the poor bastard to get in the water and pull?

ThePirateSloth

LOOK OUT MEN RUFF WATERS AHEAD….. SQUIRREL

blaxabbath

I feel like living in the old west would not have been very fun.

Fronkenshteen

A hot bath after weeks of desert dirt buildup would’ve felt amazing. Also: hookers and opium.

Redshirt

Not to mention if some guy pissed you off, you could shoot him dead on sight. That would solve a lot of problems, nowadays.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m a white male, so I can pretty much do that already. Give me a badge and you can drop the “pretty much”.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey oh!!!!!

Fronkenshteen

I DISAGREE!
/ shoots you

Doktor Zymm

Hence the rampant alcoholism

Beerguyrob

Frees up cap space for the Raiders to Raider & bring in Dez.

Redshirt

I’m starting to think Jon Gruden took this job because he still hates the Raiders for trading him to Tampa Bay so he’s doing everything he can to said to set the franchise back 15 years.

Doktor Zymm

I’m sticking with my ‘he was hired to cash the team into draft picks so they’ll be good in Vegas’ theory

blaxabbath

Trumping.

You know what? I hope that’s the case. Every NFL owner should be afraid their next hire is more loyal to Bob Kraft cutting million dollar checks to their high school passing camps than they are to their official employer and fans.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He’s like the sea captain running the lighthouse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSlLmMg8G54

Doktor Zymm

Bikkie is playing like a way less charismatic rookie RG3

King Hippo
Beerguyrob

Beware of Royal McPoyle!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

(Browns do a good)

(Universe instantly realigns it away)

Beerguyrob

Ian Eagle turning into Bill Simmons with all the Pats fellating he’s doing during this broadcast.

Beerguyrob

If they really wanted to freeze him, they’d flash Jim Kelly’s jaw x-rays on the big screen.

fleshwound_NPG

The not-snap-it-to-Brady play now insanely predictable

bk109

So, that’s why Josh Gordon got that brain-chip… to use his powers for gewd… Teheheheheh… also I’m officially drunk according to my home breathalizer 0.13 and climbing lads… Hold on to your barf bags, lads, ’cause things may bet weird 😀

Beerguyrob

What does the breathalyzer in the car say?

bk109

Car is like two flights of stairs away from the cellar atm (and right past the fumin’ wife), so I sure as shit can’t test with it too 😀

theeWeeBabySeamus

You can run really fast and get past the wife and the two flights. If you try hard enough.

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bk109

Cellar, mate, cellar… Unless I drink enough to completely reverse the gravitational effect on me, that ain’t an option.. What is, tho, is the 4 kegs of lager, ale and cider I’ve got in the den!

Doktor Zymm

If you’ve got any blackcurrant you can make a Snakebite and Black and pretend to be an early 2000s goth!

Horatio Cornblower

“What does the breathalyzer in the car say?”

WEE-OOO, WEE-OOO, WEE-OOO
(That’s me impersonating a police car)

Doktor Zymm

I miss having a home breathalizer. I should get a new one. It was super fun to bring to parties

Beerguyrob

But Colin Kaepernick is still a terrible QB.

blaxabbath

Not THAT terrible.

Duchess

I’m sorry wrs have like 9 routes to learn that are the same routes for every team… Learning the play book is not that hard for them…. Unless you’re are Devin Hester and never tried to learn them.

blaxabbath

You could fit the Ted Ginn route options on a bar napkin.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sexy display nurse is sexy.

Doktor Zymm

Not like shades, tie and a chef hat surgeon even notices

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Danny Woodhead likeness may notice.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I don’t think they know what they’re doing.

blaxabbath

Like most people who give up weed, Josh Gordon has gone from cool to very unlikeable in record time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pretty much anybody who puts on a P*ts uniform does that for me.

blaxabbath

It’s true.

Quite a testament to Gronk’s Gronkiness.

Doktor Zymm

It’s hard to hate a dude who is basically a Newfie made human and introduced to booze

Beerguyrob

Josh Gordon’s gonna need the good weed after this game.

King Hippo

goddamnit Bearistocrats!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like there is so little room for evolution to happen in a practical way in the NFL that it causes people with really stupid ideas to ascend to positions of power, then fail spectacularly. It’s like if Google were to put a guy in charge of one of its divisons and he decided to rewrite all their code to run exclusively on while loops, because nobody had ever thought to do that before and it might surprise a lot of people.

Doktor Zymm

Well, Google flights now automatically switches from specific dates to flexible dates when you open the destination map, so it’s super easy to book a trip for random dates completely unrelated to the dates you picked, so maybe they DID hire that guy!

blaxabbath

While loops? Is this some kind of fortnight message board?

Doktor Zymm

I’m pretty sure that’s not how you pronounce Nassib

bk109

Great news(not) – cable is down until tomorrow and because my ISP are utter fucking cunts, I can’t watch the game via IPTV from outside their internet (which is also down)… If I don’t see Fleshwound’s or Hippo’s teethmarks on the fiber hookup, I’d be bleeping shocked

Horatio Cornblower

Indy fans getting a look at Josh McDaniels’s tactical brilliance without Gronkowski and shuddering at what could have been.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Betting folks….how large would the line have to be for you to not bet against Buffalo?

yeah right

10.5 is the logical answer.

King Hippo

I bet Buffalo ML b/c Horse Balls. I suck at life.

King Hippo

Good thing I started the Team MRSA D/ST today! – Compulsive Liars Everywhere

King Hippo

This whole early slate is poo

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Rapey Jameis WOMP WOMP

King Hippo

Kenny Golladay is pissing me off.

fleshwound_NPG

Biscuit is 3/13, somebody tell him to run again

theeWeeBabySeamus

U*NC’s athletic director has probably said something similar on several nights in the past before campus police showed up at his dorm room.

Duchess

Someone shop a top hat on this bear and Starwipe to Bearistocrats!

https://giphy.com/gifs/bear-playing-Nv1roC7mg5Kec

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Some asshole in my fantasy league picked up Marlon Mack but left him on the bench.

/That asshole was me.

King Hippo

Having done the same with the Donks D/ST, I welcome thee to HAYELLLLL

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

“There’s no telling where the money went.”

-K. Hippo

Gratliff

Wow. Panthers kind of suck.