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Your Sexy Soccer Saturday Open Thread

ballsofsteelandfury

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This time, I’ll REALLY put the sexy in the Soccer Saturday Open Thread!

You see,  kids,  the person that was originally going to write this post had an unexpected guest and couldn’t do the post.

I’m thinking it was a sexy guest.

Now,  it seems more like Spring Break than the first week in November around the DFO clubhouse as another valued member of the Commentist Party recently revealed the welcome appearance of Cupid and his arrows and the consummation of the pairing that resulted from his work.

Add that up and that’s just a great way to begin November!

Before I get too carried away,  however,  I want to ask,  WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STUPID SHIT?

Is this “No fap November” nonsense really a thing?

Who is the fucking snowflake moron that came up with this lame idea?!?

A friend brought this to my attention today and he said he was doing it and I told him that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and I asked him if he had shit for brains.

I pledge to you,  dear readers,  that I will masturbate EVERY DAY this November in order to right the wrong of my dumb friend and to bring balance back to the universe.

You can thank me later.

TO THE GAMES!

Here is today’s schedule:

And now,  instead of giving you the omakase menu in writing,  I’m going to present it visually:

There is no Multi this week as I don’t see anything on the betting site that I like.

Scratch that, there are no bets I like.

No wonder Hippo is hooked…

Enjoy the games, everyone!

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King Hippo

Hey Balls, why come Barca didn’t rate Andre Gomes? He’s sexy as fuck, both in the traditional sense and on the pitch.

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ballsofsteelandfury

They like him, but there’s not enough playing time to get experience. Better he go get it somewhere else. It’s a problem with a lot of the Masia guys.

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Horatio Cornblower

And now a documentary on the Mexican style of boxing, which I would sum up as “why would I use my hands to block a punch when I can use my face to absorb it and use my hands to punch you twice?”.

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ballsofsteelandfury

This is a perfect description.

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Unsurprised

I gave to the cause a couple of times yesterday in protest of this No Fap bullshit. I mean, the only other losers who pledge not to masturbate are the Proud Boys. That should be all the proof anyone needs that the very idea makes you stupid.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not masturbating on any given day doesn’t make you stronger, or healthier, or better. It just means you didn’t masturbate that day.

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ballsofsteelandfury

It makes you crankier and angrier.

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Horatio Cornblower

The owner of Ronnie’s gym just said he cried when Ronnie got down to 215-220, because he’d never seen him that small.

I weighed 218 this morning and I can promise you no one has ever hollered “Hey, Karen Carpenter, eat a sandwich!” as I stroll past.

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scotchnaut

“Hey Mama Cass, eat a fucking sandwich already.”

-a phrase hollered at Horatio on a regular basis

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Horatio Cornblower

THERE IT IS!

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Unsurprised

How does it sound from inside the locker, though?

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Horatio Cornblower

/munches on sandwich
It echoes a lot.

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Horatio Cornblower

Two reps of 800 lb. squats.

If I did one with 80 I wouldn’t get back up.

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Horatio Cornblower

Ronnie does have a regret you guys.

He feels he should have gotten 5 reps with the 800 lbs.

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Horatio Cornblower

Ronnie’s kid just shot down his request for a hug because she was too busy rummaging around in a bag from Starbucks.

Bodybuilders! They’re just like us!
/his family is so adorable that I’m pretty sure I now have diabetes.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh my God this is the most wonderful article ever. It’s from 2016 and ranks the new coaching hires. You couldn’t have done a better job of predicting the opposite of reality if you tried.

https://ftw.usatoday.com/2016/01/ranking-the-nfls-new-coaching-hires-chip-kelly-doug-pederson-ben-mcadoo-philadelphia-eagles

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Horatio Cornblower

That is absolutely remarkable.

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King Hippo

nice goal and tribute for the Foxes’ ded guy

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scotchnaut

Gotdam! Christmas in Homestead has reeled me in and I gots to watch the rest of it. Sometimes it’s a burden, what with being in touch with your feminine side.

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ballsofsteelandfury

You need to start writing your recaps again!

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scotchnaut

Fuck it. I’ll do at least one or two and see where it goes.

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ballsofsteelandfury

WOOOOO!!

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King Hippo

Seamus WOO!!!!

/Everton, not imaginary pal

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Horatio Cornblower

This section of the film is titled ‘From Vodka To Victory’, and if John Riggins doesn’t make an appearance I am going to be sorely disappointed.

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Horatio Cornblower

Oh look, deadlifting reps with what appears to be 740 lbs. on the bar.

Can’t imagine why he needed 11 back surgeries.

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Horatio Cornblower

I’m in pretty good shape, (for a pear), and I’m going to the gym later, and I am going to absolutely nothing like Ronnie Coleman is doing right now, and he needs an 11th back surgery, pops Oxycodone on the regular, walks with crutches and has a legitimate handicapped parking pass.

I’m not sure which of us sucks more.

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Horatio Cornblower

Ronnie’s chiropractor is on my side on this argument.

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Horatio Cornblower

As is his orthopedic surgeon.

I am inspired to go to the gym today and take things very easy.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, I don’t fuck around with my back any more. It’s strictly glamour muscles for me.

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Unsurprised

Strictly ankles, eh?

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Horatio Cornblower

Bodybuilders do not age well, guys.

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scotchnaut

That’s why I stopped lifting weights 12 years ago.

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King Hippo

same with me, but 45-ish years 😀

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scotchnaut

You sure?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iQuSPI16h4

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Horatio Cornblower

Ronnie has two little kids and neither one of them listens to him, despite the fact that he is a monster.

I feel so much better about myself right now.

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scotchnaut

Hoity-toity, big city actress thinks she knows more than the single dad with the cute kid? I sense a comeuppance in the making…

/football starts soon, right?

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Wakezilla

Oh, is that the one where they were highschool sweethearts but then they broke up?

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scotchnaut

Nope, this one is completely different.

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Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, they were Degrassi Junior High School sweethearts!

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Horatio Cornblower

Ronnie can’t walk none too good, but he’s driving a Rolls Royce Ghost, so, really, why would he want to walk? I’d drive that thing from my living room to the bathroom.

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scotchnaut

You don’t live on the left coast! And it’s a Lamborghini that’s driven between rooms. smgdh

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Wakezilla

Litre, are you checking out any of the Love YYC stuff today? Free transit!

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Horatio Cornblower

Can’t say I care about this Leicester-Cardiff “match”, so I’m going to finish the documentary I started, for some reason, at 1:15 this morning on bodybuilding legend Ronnie Coleman. Ronnie won Mr. Olympia 8 times. He’s since had 11 back surgeries and, at 54, walks like he’s 84.

He regrets nothing.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

@balls but you were already going to masturbate every day this November, so to balance the universe for your friend’s absence I think you should do it twice.

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ballsofsteelandfury

This is true.

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King Hippo

Christ, Siggy has to do better

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scotchnaut

Hallmark movie ending with an atrocious, over-the-top jazz take on “Jingle Bells”? Check.

Next up is “Christmas in Homestead”!

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King Hippo

Remember to substitute Beta Cuck! for Jingle Bells! in teh lyrics!!

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Wakezilla

What kind of Incel bullshit is no fap November? If you’re going to do this nonsense, at least wait for Lent.

Besides, if anything, it should be anal November to commemorate colon cancer month.

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Horatio Cornblower

If they just beat off occasionally they’d probably be a lot more pleasant to be around.

Assuming they washed up afterwards.

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Wakezilla

Oh, you know they don’t wash up because something something the pheromone smell will totes land the ladies looking for a lone Wolf Alpha.

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Horatio Cornblower

Good morning to everyone who isn’t a Manchester United fan.

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King Hippo

That fucked me at the end, but I got a goal at the death of added time in Superettan play (Oergryte IS WOO!!) to win that bet.

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blaxabbath

I think we should borrow some some of these food stamp policies and apply them federally. Like, if your state is a net receiver of federal dollars, you should lose ten percent of your House representation, all your federal reps and all members of their staffs should be drug tested weekly, and your state cannot have any citizens serve in appointed positions (that talent is needed in the state, not federally). It really fits the bill as states who pay in more should have more incentive to help those second-rate states start operating so they can pay their share, and the underpaying states will feel shame and that will make them voluntarily pay more.

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scotchnaut

According to my notes, the last person in the United States to feel shame was Leona McFarland on June 4th, 1982. A 101 year-old widower, she briefly recalled an extra-marital affair she had while her husband was away fighting the Huns in 1916. What I’m trying to say is that your plan won’t work.

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Horatio Cornblower

Leona was a real slut, and I’m glad she’s dead.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Says the guy who obviously never hooked up with her. Those of us “in the know” will certainly miss her.

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King Hippo

FUCK, I was gonna live bet “over 2.5 goals” at 88′ but Manure/Cherries wasn’t up, for some reason.

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scotchnaut

I don’t mean to brag but I get the Hay River info channel. She’s a transportation hub at the lower end of Great Slave Lake (nice name!) boasting a population of 3,500 hard-working folks. The top 3 hotels in the community (according to google) are The Ptarmigan Inn, The North Country Inn and The Ptarmigan Inn. Btw, you missed the Health Fair last Thursday.

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King Hippo

#HeritageNotHate

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litre_cola

How the fuck do you get that channel? I thought my Spokane channels were weird. GO ZAGS apparently.

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scotchnaut

I also get the Valemount (BC) Community Channel. If you want to participate in their Meals On Wheels program you must contact Marion. DM me if you want her number.

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scotchnaut

Huh, it’s M. Bilon’s birthday again this year. I’m curious if he’ll be attending the “FIREWOOD: From Forest to Shed” info session next week.

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Horatio Cornblower

we need to live-blog this channel.

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King Hippo

I don’t have any NFL bets in yet (ML on Bay of Green was nae high enough), but here is some comedic advice anyway:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Fr0PfjoLx8

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Horatio Cornblower

‘Washington Redskin Potatoes”

How did we miss that? HOW!?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You know, I think “potatoes” might be a candidate to go in the filter to replace “redacteds”.

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Horatio Cornblower

100% agree.

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King Hippo

Holy off the line. Cherry Batman!!

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scotchnaut

Hallmark Christmas movies are right on time. Charming Christmas and The Christmas Ornament are on. As an added bonus-Apple Mortgage Cake!*

*To avoid losing her home to foreclosure, single mother Angela Logan tries to bake and sell 100 apple cakes in 10 days. Will she make it? Will she find love?**

**Yes

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King Hippo

she gives away the bastards first, right?

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scotchnaut

EMBRACE THE SYRUPY EMOTION, HIPPO. LET IT WASH OVER YOU.

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King Hippo

ah don’t believe in feelings!!

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scotchnaut

I remember the first time I slipped a hand under a bra. That was a helluva feeling!

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King Hippo

not in any way convincingly defended

Have to love Premiership announcers!

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scotchnaut

He used doyen earlier and I had to head over to Merriam-Webster to remember what the hell the word meant.

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King Hippo

I swear, there was a time in my life that I had a decent vocabulary!

/so many intoxicants ago

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Fronkenshteen

You never know who’s going to get lucky I suppose.
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/04/22/16/3F7E013F00000578-0-image-a-125_1492875565166.jpg

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scotchnaut

The blighters by way of Bourney boshed the ball into the bobbinet!

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scotchnaut

A subdued salute to the military in my football? Where the hell is my field-length Stars & Stripes held by one-armed vets that have been laughed at by therapists when describing their PTSD symptoms?

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litre_cola

I read that as the rapists and thought f Big Ben laughing. Seriously.

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scotchnaut

“How Door Flies Open Warped My Brain: An Oral History”: Foreward by litre_cola.

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litre_cola

No question.

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litre_cola

No fap November? Fuck that. If you want me to kill someone take that and my weed away from me. Especially since how mighty whitey is playing right now.

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scotchnaut

One day I’ll be able to look back and say, “I never wore those dumb ass balloon parkas.” Any fashion idea that brings the Michelin Man to mind is dead in the water.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l8BtI_S8nk

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King Hippo

Up the Cherries!! How can you not like them +276 at home to draw (as they always do) against Rom-less Manure??

Also just put $50 (+182) live bet on FC Vitebsk against Dinamo Minsk.

Have to wait for the full monty JV NFL thread for the rest of today’s #ACTION!

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scotchnaut

You weren’t kidding about the JV slate being packed with all kinds of wonderfulness…

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King Hippo

perhaps the best single day I can recall. Allows me not to watch Arsenal/Shite, which I appreciate given the likely outcome.

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ballsofsteelandfury

The beauty part about Be-In Sports is that if you push the SAP button on the Spanish channel, you get an English broadcast and if you push it in the English channel, you get a Spanish broadcast. And they broadcast two different games, not the same game. That’s pretty cool, right?

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scotchnaut

A commenter got lucky? I’m guessing Seamus finally stuck it in Dave’s tailpipe. He must be exhausted…

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ballsofsteelandfury

Dave is exhausted? That may be giving tWBS a little too much credit.

I do concur, however, with your suggestion that going in the tailpipe is tWBS’ preferred technique.

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ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

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scotchnaut

“Aw yeah, that’s the kind of stuff I like!”

-Seamus

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Unsurprised

Stupid sexy Dave

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Ian Scott McCormick

Why do I get the feeling that No Fap November is going to quickly transition into Freak Out About A Lot Of Unimportant Bullshit November, and then Regular Old Fappin November by 11/8?

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ballsofsteelandfury

Well, the election IS next week…

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King Hippo

Let’s just say I hope to break out teh lotion around 11 EST on Tuesday night. 😀

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