Your “Pour Me Some Of That Giggle Juice, Dollface” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

There’s a ton of NFL news today if you look for it…

Dez Bryant:

The newest employee of the New Orleans Saints hasn’t, to anyone’s knowledge, burned any bridges with a single one of his teammates as of 6pm EST!

Darren Sproles:

He aggravated his teeny, weeny hamstring today.

There you have it. TO THE GAME!

Panthers/Steelers:

Them Pittsburghians. Are they spent after the Crashing Helmets Bowl that took place just 3 1/2 days ago against arch-enemy Baltimore? Perhaps, but in Math Is A Thing News they happen to be 7-1 at home on Thursday nights. (the lone loss was a field goal in OT) By doing their very best Giants imitation, the Steelers D has a plump-ton of trouble dealing with opposing te’s. This is where Greg Olsen and his ‘3 TD’s in three games since returning from injury’ narrative rears its head. Guess who I’ve got on my fantasy team? Guess who doesn’t have to play him because he bid the hell out of Travis Kelce back in early September? Yeah, I think you know. This sure does feel like a game that will end up in the 30’s so I thought I might hit you with some factoids from that time.

Herbert Hoover was an inveterate gambler and bullied his fellow poker-playing buds by yelling out, “I Want A New Deal!” whenever he was given a poor hand.

Manchuria, a disease caused by a poor understanding of what mosquitoes actually do, swept the southern United States in early 1935.

According to several glasses of Guinness, the greatest number of people victimized by a ‘crop-dusting’ was performed by Amelia Airfart during the 1932 Des Moines Air Show.

Neville Chamberlain and his aide both wanted to read a certain American weekly on the flight back from Germany back in ’38. There was a kerfuffle, pages were torn. The end result was Mr. Chamberlain announcing proudly on the tarmac the often misquoted phrase, “This Is A Piece Of Our Time!”

Enough of this crap. It’s your turn now. I’ve got to take a power.

 

 

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Regarding the DFO FF League…

I’m not sure I’m comfortable living in a world where Senor Weaselo is kicking everyone’s ass.

Just seems wrong.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

His time has cum.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well-played, Sir.

litre_cola

Unlike you this year……

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, no shit.

Sheeeesh.

litre_cola

Oh, you are paying a visit to teh Opium Den this week. I got shit kicked by teh Hippo.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can’t be any worse than the pegging I got from Brocky last week.

King Hippo

I am just getting murder-killed in fantasy. But Sinema now up almost 10K votes! And the FL margin is down to like 0.18%

Redshirt

Holy crap, those two elections are close. Those damn Floridians.

King Hippo

and it’s gon’ be ugly and fuckety again…

https://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/getting-ugly-fast

Redshirt

How hard is it to count every vote. That way if you lose, you can walk away with your dignity intact.

I’m on Nyquil Severe right now, so I may be tripping.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Needs more hanging chads.

/Not a Dungy joke

herodotus450
herodotus450

Lentil chips are the new bean chips

litre_cola

What are beet chips? Delicious but if you are a bit of a burn out (ahem) and forget you ate them your 1st movement the next day is scary.

herodotus450
herodotus450

beet chips are probably Rodney Kings’ favorite no offennce.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can’t we all just get a (foot) long (hotdog)?

Redshirt

Wouldn’t be the first time Ben’s had amazing protection to allow him to penetrate a defense.

Redshirt

How will Steelers Fans react to LeVeon if he does show up? Cheers? Boos? Indifference?

litre_cola

He will be booed mercilessly, then he will score a td and everything will be fine.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

That depends entirely on how well he plays.

King Hippo

certainly not with anything raycess!

hippofant
hippofant

Damn… football players… are getting uppity about how much they’re paid.

herodotus450
herodotus450

“Hey yinz the Rooney rule applies to coaches not runninbacks”

litre_cola

Funchess is maddening. He always looks like he doesn’t give a shit out there. Lazy cuts, very little hustle, his whole game seems meh.

hippofant
hippofant

Learned everything he knew from Kelvin Benjamin.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

So at what point during my Best Man speech should I summon BOLTMAN to flay two of the bride’s brothers who still owe me money from the bachelor party? I’m thinking pretty early so that if everyone isn’t too distracted by the organs flying everywhere, I can finish strong.

WCS

Whenever the DJ starts the femur drums.

litre_cola

I would put a dig in there somewhere about the groom being good for money unlike the bride’s siblings.

Redshirt

If they’re married, get them drunk and stage it like they slept with hookers. Or each other, you’re call.

Redshirt

There goes the Steelers Nation. Showing up acting like they own the place.

Ian Scott McCormick

What? Steelers fans behaving like assholes? I don’t believe you.

Gratliff

One of these days, I should learn how to do something in Audacity beyond cutting ringtones out of songs

herodotus450
herodotus450

It’s pretty easy to set it up to record your pc’s own audio, ouroboros style. Then you can record music from streaming sources and boom: free music.

Gratliff

It seems like it’s just incredibly powerful, but I never think of any use besides isolating the part of Still Counting about assholes so I can have a humorous ringtone at work

Redshirt

You know, I have to respect the Steelers being in a position to tell LeVeon Bell to go f*** himself whenever he drunkenly stumbles himself back to the team.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

You people must have diarrhea.

Redshirt

The Night the Toilet Cried

WCS

That was last week.

Redshirt

I hate the Steelers, but I do love those uniforms.

WCS

I sincerely hope they keep the block numbers.

Redshirt

Agreed. To be honest, it fits their theme of a no flash, no thrills, just shows up and plays football team. I don’t know why they switched to their current italics ones in the 90s.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ummmmmm….duh.
Because Kordell Stewart is awesome and….

LOL, I can’t even finish the sentence.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

[Appears in a puff of black smoke holding California State University Marketing Degree]

This was likely a way to make jerseys look so different as to encourage additional sales. Too many people like to have what is considered “current” and it’s an easy way to drum up business among sports teams especially.

[Disapperas in another puff of black smoke]

[Can be seen trying to crawl back under a rock off to the right]

WCS

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Redshirt

theeWeeBabySeamus

Laura Rutledge is kinda pertty.

hippofant
hippofant

I’ve been crushing on Charissa Thompson lately. She rocks on NFL Gameday Prime.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She’s nice too.

herodotus450
herodotus450

I heard Jeff Sessions’ “resigning” is just so that trump can show off that he knows the correct plural is Attorneys General.

Redshirt

Did Cam suddenly forget how to football?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Is everyone on the same shit cycle here? Am I missing out?

herodotus450
herodotus450

You know what they say about internet commenters and poop cycles syncing up…

Beerguyrob

These are cycles you don’t want to synchronize.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’m 180° out-of-phase. When I take a shit Carolina scores.

Redshirt

If you have an ounce of mercy in your soul, you will go each all the prunes you can find.

WCS

I guess I’ll just stay in the bathroom. I go to poo, it’s 7-0 Carolina. Upon returning it’s 14-7.

MY SHIT DOESN’T STINK!

/no, it does
//badly

Redshirt

(see Panthers march down the field for a 7-0 lead)
“This is good. I’m going to go take a crap.”

(comes back from bathroom; see score)
“What the hell?!”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

You missed two plays.

WCS

We were separated at birth?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I got a feeling we’re going to be seeing some Cam Newton Pout Face, plus the towel over his head. He does that when he pouts.

Beerguyrob

I predict he will wear a large hat after the game, because large hats make him feel better.

litre_cola

He will also get dirtied once this game and it will not be called.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

If this keeps up he’ll need a sombrero.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Well at least they didn’t get a safety and get the ball right back.

Spur
Spur

bad Cam.

litre_cola

This is definitely an entertaining start.

Beerguyrob

“It took Big Ben 11 seconds…” — Joe Buck

“Actually, he can accomplish a lot in 11 seconds.” — court documents

“That’s pretty fast.” — Stormy Daniels

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Impressive.

— R. Pitino

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

DNA tests indicate that modern humans have up to 4% Neanderthal genes. Looking at photos of Roethlisberger, I’d guess he’s more in the 20-25% range.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I met Disney chairman Michael Eisner and he was at least 50% Cro-Magnon, and the suit he was wearing must have cost $10,000. Partial evolution was pretty good to him.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

And I’m sure his hair was perfect.

Spur
Spur

that was not ideal.

King Hippo

NOPE. I’m against teh juju. Mah luck has turned.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

My goodness!

King Hippo

my money league opponent played the Yinzer D over the Jest (home v. Bills). This is giving me a small mental boost.

/also Sinema is gonna win, MAYBE even Nelson

theeWeeBabySeamus

This is giving me a small mental boost.

Honestly, I thought you were gonna say “erection”.

Spur
Spur

Suck it Steelers.

Gratliff

See what you did

litre_cola

Just put McCaffrey on the cover of Madden and watch him get Hillised.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Go for it!

WCS

I can hear my typical Yinzer uncle calling them “useless bums” from Heinz Field already.

Gratliff

I’m being informed that the Flyers goaltending is still bad. You’re supposed to be fixing this shit, Ron.

WCS

Flyers goaltenders :: Jets quarterbacks

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Steel Panther? Is this some kind of joke?
*looks up Steel Panther on wiki*
Well, apparently it is. I’ll allow it.

Spur
Spur

Folks

rockingdog
rockingdog

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I knew I shoulda bet Wake to cover.
Dammit.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

These fuckers on the Fox pregame show make me wish they would switch back to Troy and Joe.

herodotus450
herodotus450

…wish they would switch back to Troy and Joe.

Well looks like Brick is broken again, better send out an extraction team.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Ha ha I just gave myself a couple of smacks in the head with a hammer. I’m good now.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Might this actually be a decent TNF matchup? Heaven forfend!

WCS

Don’t worry, Monday Night more than makes up for this.

litre_cola

How the fuck are both these teams in prime time again????

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

If I ever become emperor of the US, I would require 1) all hotel showers have to follow a goddamn standard in terms of turning on the water and 2) every hotel is required to have the NFL network.

I got fuck all here in terms of sports channels…I’m seriously just stuck with the BYU network here.

Fucking Montana…

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

You would obviously be a benevolent dictator, since as emperor you would have those benefits as a matter of course. Thanks for looking out for the little guy.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

The game is on Fox too. Pretty sure they have that in MT.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

But maybe only Fox News.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
I finally figured out what kind of creature Grimace is – HE’S A GIANT PURPLE BITCH WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY SHERYL YOU SMELL LIKE FRENCH FRIES ALL THE TIME NOW

Wakezilla

TBF, McDick’s French fries do smell good and are tasty

King Hippo

TRIGGER111 I was raped by Mayor McCheese smh

hippofant
hippofant

Sitting here watching the pre-game, and I’m like, wait a minute, I could just listen to Mina Kimes and Domonique Foxworth instead! Instant mute!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Additional anticipation during the game for me tonight while I, like Lou Reed, will be Waiting For The Man.

Wakezilla

Becky Lynch isn’t on TV tonight tho

Beerguyrob

LASSKICKER!
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Wakezilla

One more day before the long weekend!!!!!!!

Tomorrow will be my toughest challenge yet: To not murder any students.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think we have enough time before kickoff. Everyone should go read Ian’s piece. It’s amazing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Wakezilla

It’s all queued up for the next shitter adventure

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

Stillers in prime time! Let’s get some spinal injuries!

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