I trust Hippo is not the only one that will get that joke.
So, true story, the call was made in the DFO back room for someone to write the Browns midseason/bye update. Curious and thinking that whoever wrote the preview should write the update, I asked who wrote it.
Turns out I did.
And that right there, my friends, is all you need to know about the Browns. They are so forgettable a team that I completely forgot I wrote about them.
Reading back, I can understand why. As I was reminded in the back room, I ended up writing mostly an AFL finals preview. Also, I tried my best to convince JSD to take 10 or 12 steps, whatever it takes, and quit this wretched team once and for all.
Alas, last I checked, JSD is still rooting for the Browns and we are smack dab in the middle of the AFL offseason, so there’s not much to report.
EXCEPT THAT THE 2019 SCHEDULE HAS BEEN REVEALED!!
[gview file=”https://www.doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/2019-AFL-Premiership-Season-Fixture.pdf”]
But I digress.
Truth be told, there are a couple of things to talk about regarding the Browns.
They fired Hue!
This was notable for a few reasons:
1) They picked the Monday after the loss to the Steelers in their second meeting of the season to do it. Apparently, this is the traditional time for Browns coaches to be fired.
2) This was also halfway through a season in which the Browns had picked up a tie and two wins, which was more than the previous two seasons COMBINED.
3) This prevented us from always and forever celebrating January 31 as Hue Jackson Day.
Now, I’m not saying that the Browns shouldn’t have fired Hue. I’m saying the timing was odd, but that’s par for the course for the Browns.
The Quicker Picker Upper, Gregg Williams, is the head coach now, presumably until the end of the season. Under him, the team has looked… well, honestly better.
In the first game, the Browns were given the tough task of playing against the Chiefs but they did hang with them for the first half.
The second game was also at home and it was against the Atlanta Falcons team that has finally realized Julio Jones is actually pretty good at this football thing and shucks why not throw him the football in the end zone? Well, apparently Williams still knows how to coach defense as the Browns upset the Falcons.
Now, does that mean that the Browns will make a run to the playoffs this year?
No.
The Browns’ record is too far in the lower echelon. That means everyone can safely once again start thinking about next year. Except for the other important thing that’s happened this year:
They made Baker Mayfield the starter!
This one deserves a bit more thought. Mayfield’s looked good at times and looked bad at times, as the rookie he is. However, there are enough glimpses of possible competency that it’s giving Browns fans the worst thing you could possibly give them:
HOPE
I would not wish that on my biggest enemy. Shit, ESPN published an article last week asking if Mayfield is the quarterback that the Browns have been waiting for.
Why?
Why do you do this to Browns fans, ESPN? It’s not right.
Baker Mayfield is a talented quarterback and, from all accounts, is a great leader.
But these are the Browns.
These Browns:
“But this time it’s different! HE is different!”
Ok, Charlie Brown, whatever you say.
For fuck’s sake, his name is Charlie BROWN!!
In case you doubt me and still see the world through Hippo-loves-RAMMIT levels of optimism, I present to you Exhibit B:
And that’s coming from a Bengals fan, folks. He KNOWS about having hope ripped in half!
What does it all mean?
I honestly don’t know. I do love being an asshole and ripping people’s naive hopes apart, but I have a soft spot for Browns fans.
You see, I remember the days of Brian Sipe and those Browns teams of the late 70s/early 80s and Bernie Kosar and the Browns of the later 80s. THE BROWNS USED TO BE GOOD, DAMMIT!!
I swear it’s true.
One thing is to have never tasted success. You know you’re missing out, but you can only imagine how it might feel.
If you have tasted some amount of success and you KNOW what it’s like and to have it taken away from you with hardly a sign of it ever coming back?
That’s brutal.
So, I truly hope, for the Browns fans, that Baker Mayfield IS everything they’ve been waiting for and that sometime in his playing career he takes them to the playoffs and maybe even wins the division.
But I know Lucy is a fucking bitch and will fuck over Good Ole Charlie Brown time and time again.
I do love being an asshole and ripping people’s naive hopes apart
Wouldn’t it be more on brand of it was the other way around?
Browns could be competent under Haslam. We can all dream. Here’s one I had about another deplorable Quick Picker Upper
?cid=4bf119fc5beb05df6a4f4e78771abc61
“Lucy is a fucking bitch and will fuck over Good Ole Charlie Brown time and time again.”
Hot. Weird, but definitely hot*
*It’s not pedo. They’re both in their 80’s now.
Brunette + Bossy… That’s mah type!
#ThePauls
DIE BENGALS DIE!
Special indeed.
That is such a wealthy man’s man’s laugh.
I honestly forgot RG3 played there.
So did he.
“I played for Cincinnati?”
-T. Green
I hope the Browns do make a 2020 run. Not a legit run but something like a ’17 Jags run where a weak division coupled with some fortunate scheduling gets them a first weekend home game. But, as with the ’17 pre-London, an unavoidable matchup nightmare will halt them firm in their tracks. After all, experience matters in the post season and, for that, the Browns have effectively none.
More importantly, however, is that Cleveland finding some arguable success in trusting the process will provide a roadmap for all the shitty franchises that don’t know how to objectively and originally scheme to build a winner in the NFL. Right now, the only way to compete for a Super Bowl is to, basically, have a good coach (or insanely good quarterback) and a good GM. From there, you can go the Belichick route and just optimize the use of any player around a core group of players. Or you can go the LOB/RAMMIT route of building a disgusting defense and an effective rookie-contract QB. Or the Andy Reid/Sean Peyton (of old) approach of winning shootouts.
Think about bottom-feeding franchises like NYJ, BUF, and ARI. They suck every single year. And even when they don’t, it’s likely they have a division rival who’s going to be up when they are. So they have the legit potential to make a real run every, what, decade or two? Now, what if you told these teams that a couple years of post-season potential are basically guaranteed if they’ll just endure two seasons of embarrassment (CLE 2016-2017), a year of frustrating potential piled on (CLE 2018), a year of growth-but-probably-missing-the-playoffs (CLE 2019), and then the two year window is open (CLE 2020-2021) — before the window shuts and you’re back to 0-16. Oh — and you still can’t fuck up the drafts or be slowed down by serious development problems (QB lingering injuries/cocaine addictions).
But if Cleveland can show that it could work, how much fun will it be to watch three or four teams going full 2018 RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDEEEEERRRRRRZZZZZZZZZ each season? Yeah, it’s no fun to watch an NBA or MLB team tank. But you show me a struggling NFL team playing one of these tanking squads on TNF (See: DEN/ARI a few weeks back) and I’ll tune in to see those men get beaten down for three hours any day of the week.
That pick set them back at least two years.
If there has been a funnier headline-banner quote combo on this site, I don’t remember it.
This was great!
Balls knocked it out of the park with the post title.
Got the Browns AND Hippo in one title.
Fair do on both ends. 😀
Yes, that’s some special stuff right there. Good work, Balls (something I haven’t otherwise said in about 25 years).
I don’t get it.
So you’re saying if Mayfield is good, in 20 years Browns fans get to listen to him drunkenly call a game while we fap to his daughter?
Sign me up!
Seriously? Emojis are in web addresses now?
Man, I am old.