JV NFL – Prelude Exhibitions and Raging Semi Open Thread

I fell asleep watching the West By God Virginia self-cousin-fucking last night.  No worries, I caught Wazzu (who I mostly bet ML at -140, thankfully) eking it out from 3-5am compressed.  Yeah, that’s an old trick from when my oldest was an insomniac baby.

Today’s fun:

Florida (+5.5) v. Meeechigan, No Homoes Chikin Bowl (Atlanta, GA – Noon, ESPN)

Yes, they put Peach back in the official title, but I mock them anyway.  I trust the Gators to be even shittier than the Wolverine backups, but don’t have any bets on it.

Virginia (+4.5) v. South Carolina, Dying Redneck Town Department Store Bowl (Charlotte, NC – Noon, ABC)

My system says to fade both the ACC Coastal (except Duke) and SEC Paaawwwwwlll East, so I am at a loss.  But Wahoowa has been pretty good as an underdog this year.  May throw a $50 down.

Arkansas State (+2) v. Nevada, Martin Luther Tha’ King Bowl (Tucson, AZ – 1:15, CBSSN)

Because AZ legislators would want it that way, obvs.  This is notable only for the Lesser Wolf Pack aspect (and yeah, they spell it as two words, weirdos).  Don’t watch this.

Notre Dame (+13) v. Clemson, Raging Semi #1 (Arlington, TX – 4:00, ESPN)

Now, the real fun starts!  I am more than a little surprised at the heavy spread, given that SO MUCH of the Tiggers’ dominance can be attributed to their fearsome DL, how missing its best player.  Hmmmmmm.  Still, I hate both these sides mercilessly and equally.  Get fucked, dickasses.

Oklahoma (+14) v. Alabama, Raging Semi #2 (Miami, FL – 8:00, ESPN)

This also seems kind of high, though betting against Roll Damn Tide is a fool’s errand.  Still, UGA showed some exploitable weakness…so an upset can’t be ruled out.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Horatio Cornblower

I don’t want Ayo to fall asleep, so here’s an Acura commercial for his No-Tom-Waits ass.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bt4Xx3vX3Lg

Brick Meathook
Horatio Cornblower

That’s a great song.

Spur

#75 for OU holds every play

Mr. Ayo

2 scores!

Horatio Cornblower

PUNT!!!

Mr. Ayo

Satan is mad for a reason.

Ian Scott McCormick

Watching Saban melt down on every play is wonderful theater.

Horatio Cornblower

I imagine when his kids were born he was pissed they weren’t twins.

Ian Scott McCormick

His wife ran gassers.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I have a book. Why am I watching this again?

Horatio Cornblower

You’re Burgess Meredith and your glasses broke?

Horatio Cornblower

I like this one, but it’s definitely a Tom Waits song so I understand if you don’t like it, (unlike the one below, which is objectively fantastic) (glares at Mr. Ayo for a disturbing length of time), but if you don’t appreciate the title, “Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis”, then why are you even here?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxVo5mjK4eg

Mr. Ayo

Oh, I get it now! These are songs to fall asleep to. Genius.

Horatio Cornblower

Motherfucker…

Horatio Cornblower

Neither does Trent.

Senor Weaselo

A controversial decision? In boxing? Wait but it went against the champ, that’s interesting.

Horatio Cornblower

Was it worse than last week’s? Because that was a straight up fix.

Senor Weaselo

The announcers said smaller Charlo won the fight, not Harrison. I only saw a couple rounds since I was going back and forth with the Ice Giants but I thought it was fairly close.

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, that’s a replay from last week. I only saw bits and pieces of that one, but everyone who did, other than the three judges at ringside, seemed to think the decision was a war crime.

Spur

Bama defense need to stop fucking around and rip the heart out of OU here.

Spur

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Brick Meathook

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Horatio Cornblower

If you don’t like this song you suck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtLVXBqfqBY

Mr. Ayo

I’m made it a minute in. Does it get better?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It says it right there in the title, you have to wait.

Mr. Ayo

But I’m not Tom.

Horatio Cornblower

You people are a bunch of goddamn Philistines.

litre_cola

I think Gratliff is the only one from Philly.

litre_cola

JUst watched a doco on The World Peace and Unification Sanctuary. That dude really likes guns.

Senor Weaselo

Not a fan of their music. Wait that’s The World/Inferno Friendship Society.

herodotus450

OU cuts it to a… still a two possession game.

Mr. Ayo

Good thing they kicked those FGs!

litre_cola

Wouldn’t want to be down 1 score.

herodotus450

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Spur

Satan wake up.

litre_cola

Oooh the cover.

Horatio Cornblower

I’d say something but I don’t want to jinx Yeah Right’s bet, so I’ll just shut up.

Horatio Cornblower

This is the only way to listen to this song. Not knowing what you’re doing and with a bunch of your shit-housed friends hollering the chorus.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf0Amcgxot8

Spur

Just hurry up and kick the field goal.

herodotus450

It’s almost like a season of playing against a conference of shitty defenses has inflated OU’s stats enough to make them look good.

litre_cola

Notre Dame’s opposition agrees.

Horatio Cornblower

Singer’s voice is sort of grating at first but, honest to Xenu, I fucking love this version.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yA443AoFTo

herodotus450

My new god is Autotune; I pray to thee.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve heard some other stuff from them and, Xene help us, I don’t think it’s autotune.

Spur

Is is an Onion parody?

Mr. Ayo

Run play, so linemen downfield penalty.

Mr. Ayo

Go ahead and try to explain that to Satan when you get back to the sideline.

Spur

The Chevy family are Trump voters.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[pats Toyota truck lovingly]

[but is also considering getting a Volt]

Senor Weaselo

Now or never!

Horatio Cornblower

I hate this ad. Yeah. let me spend $100,000 on a pool because my daughter is a cunt. Fuck you Northwestern Mutual.

herodotus450

Pssht, you can find somebody to pay you $40 and have them gone for the entire weekend.

herodotus450

espn chyron: “Tua is fine.”
Oh but when I say “Stephanie from accounting is fine” I get a written warning and have to attend a 4-hour workplace behavior seminar… bastards.

Brick Meathook

I fucked Stephanie

Horatio Cornblower
Horatio Cornblower

Now, now. She can file restraining orders against both of us.

Brick Meathook
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Antidote to DHB
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herodotus450
Spur

Chick Fil-A “We’re all on the same team except the homos”

Mr. Ayo

Yeah, screw the gays!

Wait, not literally folks.

herodotus450

Another FG? Oklahoma should be banned for life from the playoff.

Mr. Ayo

The NFL’s next great offensive mind operates in mysterious ways apparently.

Mr. Ayo

Another pointless FG?

/scribbles GAME OVER in notebook
//closes notebook
///sniffs fart

Spur

Field Goal? OK >

Spur

OU appears to be running out the clock.

rockingdog

found a funny:

pilot: this is your captain speaking
me (very quietly, to myself): this is your passenger listening

Note- if any of you all are in San Francisco, check out SF SketchFest next month. It’s a nice time!

Brocky

MUTHA FUCKING BRONK NAGURSKI!!!!!!

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Horatio Cornblower

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Senor Weaselo

Dude bought my Snickers around the corner because I held the door open for him. Huh, good things happen sometimes. I await an anvil falling on my head.

Mr. Ayo

Is that an euphemism?

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMAO

Horatio Cornblower

Just remember to hold the Snickers bar out and away from your body, so the Roadrunner can eat it.

Senor Weaselo

He can do that, but nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!

Ian Scott McCormick

Google: Shit Happens

theeWeeBabySeamus

For you guys bitching about DMB….

Do you not own headphones and a mute button or what?

Mr. Ayo

We’re not SMRT like you. Also, this Google ad blows too.

Brocky

Mother fucker we can’t even be bothered to put on pants

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO, you got me there.

Horatio Cornblower

This should be the official DFO motto, if not the evergreen banner.

Brick Meathook

I am poor and I cannot afford such luxuries. There’s no need for you to rub it in.

Brick Meathook

OH BOY IT’S DAVE MATTHEWS

Mr. Ayo

DMB sucks all the sucks. What is this crap?

Brick Meathook

Now enjoy a Dave Matthews Tribute Band:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=NGgLjrcB1Yo

Mr. Ayo

Yeah, I’m not going to listen to any of that.

Brick Meathook

Yes you will

Mr. Ayo

Fine! But I’m not watching it!

Brocky

Okay, no one tell yeah right, but I have shamed my Indiana ancestors.

I left a pot full of cottonseed oil on the back deck from frying a turkey , not expecting it to freeze.

It did, or at the very least it coagulated. Will it melt enough after I’ve brought it inside? Pot has got a spigot

theeWeeBabySeamus

It will.

Coagulated is a funny word.

So is spigot.

Brocky

12 inch pianist

theeWeeBabySeamus

Lucky him.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If it’s not some kind of emulsion that broke (and if it’s just oil, it’s not) then it will go back to normal when heated back up.

yeah right

You did what?

Senor Weaselo

Are the Cows gonna finally beat the spread?

Brocky

In Indiana “cows beating the spread” refers to middle aged housewives going to golden corral after church on sundays

rockingdog

Alabama gonna get the W.
I’m gonna watch basketball…
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What good boys!

JustStopDude

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Ian Scott McCormick

“That’s why he’s frustrated”-on Nick Saban as he’s blowing a blood vessel, and possibly going blind.

Ian Scott McCormick

While they’re up 21 at the half