Your “That’s a Face Only a Mother Could Love” NFC Playoff Open Thread

Check out the smashed-into-the-windshield-several-times visage of Blake Jarwin. The toothfull grin that indicates that the keys shaken by the photographer please him. The too-small, beady eyes that have no doubt silently observed more than one grandmother undressing at bedtime. The throat devoid of an Adam’s Apple. The sloughing forehead that indicates him thinking, “I hate that Mr. Purrsident Trump! He ain’t bombed a single Guata-mawcallit Caravan yet, like’n he promised!”. Why do I call attention to him? He’s got himself the ‘Questionable’ status after not practicing all week. He showed what a weapon he could be after scoring three TD’s vs. the Giants and the Evangelicals are a bit worried because you know how much they love their ‘Revelations’. [Snickers to self-also, Milky Way’s to self]

TO THE GAME!

Wr Cole Beasley is in the same boat injury-wise but as everyone’s cliche-dar goes off, yeah, he’s going to ‘gut it out’ like the hero puppy he is. “Gut it out” also just happens to be the title of my evisceration-centric autobiography.

Worrying Trend: In their last four games DAK!’s QBR rating has been 4th best in the league. Goff? Before the bye week he was ranked 4th-in the last 4 tilts he’s ranked 25th. Probably has something to do with Kupp’s ACL snapping and Josh Reynolds not doing nearly enough to fill the void despite single coverage.

Just Plain Silliness: The Cowboys D is being called The Hot Boyz? Way to embrace the homo-erotic undercurrent running thru your sport, fellas.

Rams Other Wideouts: They go by the name of Woods and Cooks. That’s also the name of the YouTube channel I head to when I want to watch animal-skinning vids.

Gentlemen, place your bets. You too, commentariat.

 

Please Login to comment
388 Comment threads
508 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
37 Comment authors
PetronelMoose -The End Is Well NighMr. AyoBrettFavresColonoscopyDoktor Zymm Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
tundrajim
tundrajim

You’re right Joe, that was a costly 4th down for the Cowboys; it cost the Rams 7 points.

litre_cola

Cooper plays so well when he is angry

King Hippo

GUHHHHHHH

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Why the fuck couldn’t Cooper do that kind of shit for the Raiders? If that happened a year ago he’d have dropped it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not to mention that Cooper would have been the one who caught a flag for that shit with Marcus Peters.

SonOfSpam

Don’t worry, the Raiders will be good next ye-

/gets struck by lightning for lying

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Fucking Gruden

JustStopDude
JustStopDude
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nah, Cooper was useless for the Raiders. I’ve been wrong about how he’d be for the Cowboys, but there is no way that dropping him was a bad move.

SonOfSpam

Raiders take the lead!

/squints at TV

Oh right, they traded Amari.

Spur
Spur

Cooper!!!!!!!!!!!

Redshirt

If you break the agreed upon rules, don’t hold your hands up and scream “I DIDN’T BREAK THE AGREED UPON RULES!”

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Fuck you this is Trump’s America!

Spur
Spur

Peters is no saint

Horatio Cornblower

“Hey, fuck you, buddy!”
comment image

SonOfSpam

Tell me again about denying something cock something

Spur
Spur

/prays for Venice not to flood…….again………this afternoon

Spur
Spur

Great Zeke is limping.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If Troy Aikman doesn’t like it, it’s a good decision

Horatio Cornblower

Oh good, Elliott’s limping.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

This is one of those games where I don’t mind which team wins…well except I wish both owners were dead.

But I mean I don’t detest any of the players on the field.

SonOfSpam

I wished death on Georgia Frontiere for many years, and it happened! DREAMS DO COME TRUE!

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Holy shit Norfolk is a gentrified waste land.

I couldn’t find a single one of my old dive bars. I did walk pass 8 (I am not making this up) crepe shops, 9 bistros, and 12 coffee bars.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

No gastropubs even

herodotus450
herodotus450

Not even a single Olive Oil store smh

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

What the fuck is a gastropub? I thought that was some medical condition that I could get from taking boner pills per the commercial on my TV for said boner pills.

litre_cola

So did you pick up some pastries, a crepe and a coffee?

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I went to wawa to pick up a 12 pack and some camels.

Horatio Cornblower

Aaron Donald is going to “test” Connor Barwin the way they “test” pool tables in ‘The Accused’

SonOfSpam

Love me a good “Accused” “joke”

Horatio Cornblower

Originally I said “Big Dan’s”, but figured no one would get it.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

T-shirt once available for sale:
“I smelt the felt at Big Dan’s”

SonOfSpam

That’s incredible.

Col. Duke LaCross

Wow!

Horatio Cornblower

Wow.

litre_cola

I thought the game started at 25 after?

Horatio Cornblower

Traffic, man.

Spur
Spur

no, it started after your excuse was posted

Horatio Cornblower

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Spur
Spur

Jaylon Smith is gonna make that Rams QB cry by halftime

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

gonna show Buster his knee MRI?

Petronel

grumble grumble go ‘Boyz grumble grumble

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pussy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Wakezilla

I’m going to say RAMmIt wins 49-14 Tonight

Redshirt

Andrew Whitworth is playing in the 2nd round of the playoffs. Good for him! He deserves it!

WCS

“There’s a second round?”

— Marvin L., Cincinnati, OH

King Hippo

can’t run on Non-Gendered Cowpersons, eh?

King Hippo

why they stop running?

Col. Duke LaCross

Man, CJ Anderson put on a couple lbs. He looks like Andy Reid in that PPK footage.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

P and J Anderson

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Mmmm, yes, not the neutral zone discipline of a Princeton man

WCS

Surely more a Dartmouth alum, I do say.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’d eat that

Spur
Spur

Relish is an unholy object

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Spur
Spur

I want a blow out. No close game, my heart or dog watching me, can’t take it.

Horatio Cornblower

Well, looks like you might get half of your wish.

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG
rockingdog
rockingdog

bahahaha thats a good funny

yeah right

Got the under on the first game to keep the parlay alive! Need the over in this one.

Every other bet went to shite.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

My hatred for the Cowboys dates back 50 years and is of an intensity that makes the rest of y’all’s hatred of the Patriots look like mild disdain. So I hope they get embarrassed tonight but expect to be disappointed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

yeah right

My team got beat by the bullshit hail Mary. He pushed off! So I’m right with you brother.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

You would have lost in the Superb Owl anyway.

Recovery Whiskey
Recovery Whiskey

Craig Morton approves

Redshirt

Alright, local FOX channel. I get it. The white death is upon us. Everything is cancelled. We are all gonna die.

But can you please uncover the score display?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

No one has scored yet, we’ll let you know if they do.

Senor Weaselo

“The white death is upon us.… We are all gonna die.”

What is things the Native Americans said from 1607 onwards?

Spur
Spur

Is this a Rose Bowl game?

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

good that rammit has ditched the stupid gold/blue st. louis jerseys for this game

Recovery Whiskey
Recovery Whiskey

Embracing the never-won-a-title LA unis instead.

Dieter Brock approves

Redshirt

They won their only title in Blue and Yellow.

Spur
Spur

Gratliff i have so much respect for you. You posted all Eagles/Bears game. Unlike other Eagle fans on this site you are a man.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve met Litre: he’s a real man

Spur
Spur

Litre comes out when it’s safe

litre_cola

I have a toddler it aint always easy.

Horatio Cornblower

Just cram him in the closet. Toddlers can’t handle doorknobs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Spur
Spur

Folks!
Spur got 4 Aces with a kicker..very nice

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
WCS

comment image
Does she look like a giant bird?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“Joe, If the Cowboys can score more points than the Rams they’ve got a very good chance of winning this game. Herp derp derp.”

Gratliff

Still not sure what I want to happen here without knowing what happens tomorrow, but I suppose I’ll go for the Rams winning because I can’t abide happy Dallas fans

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Senor Weaselo

Someone blinded her… with science.

Horatio Cornblower

Someone remind me to name next year’s fantasy football team the Guatamacallits.

King Hippo

hey, dude. Name next year’s fantasy football team the Guatamacallits.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Sick remind

Horatio Cornblower

Thanks man. Good lookin’ out.

King Hippo

LAST Saturday footbaw we gets until August. SAVOUR IT.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

WCS

Jay Glazer seems like the type who dies after getting locked inside his own car on a hot day.

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG
BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image/

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alright, I’m on the 405 and the sky looks decent to the west. So I say Gurley gets 10 early carries and then Goff airs it out for 4 touchdowns. Who’s with me?

Horatio Cornblower

Probably Jason Garrett.

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

first kc chiefs win since montana ’93

i was in 5th fucking grade

last time a team from la made the title game was ’90-’91 raidaaahhhs, so RAMMIT wins tonight

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Riverseseses tomorrow

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

go ahead and believe the nfl wants:

1. pats losing a game at home
2. a title game in a 30k soccer barn
3. seriously, see #1, breathing on 41 yr old brady will be 15 yards

(EDIT: #2 cannot happen because damn clots, really wanted goodell to host a title game in a tiny house)

King Hippo

game in KC regardless

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

dammit clots, i really wanted to see that shit happen

Senor Weaselo

Breathing NEAR Brady, get it right.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’re not wrong, but he shall overcome (over and over again, right Tiffany?)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Guys, I’m starting to worry about scotchy

King Hippo

you gotta learn somewhere, that hobo skin suit ain’t gon’ make itself

1 2 3 8