Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread

The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team  in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.

Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.

If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.

Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?

Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]

It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.

[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]

Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and

Via giphy.com

It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.

Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.

For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.

More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business.  But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.

The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?

Via giphy.com

I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.

But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.

Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.

LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!

Banner via gfycat.com

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Unsurprised

Oh, God Fucking Damn It!

Wakezilla

3 field goal game. Damn

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

Alexa, call me in sick for tomorrow.

Gratliff

You were all fools for rooting against an NFC East team

King Hippo

goddamn you, Andy Reid. All you had to do was not be you.

Spur

Game, Massholes.

Brocky

Giselle was waiting for the signal go applauded. It was in french.

Cuz she can’t speak english.

Cuz shes a trophy wife.

And brady is a trophy husband.

And they have a superficial relationship.

And their kids are messed up.

And I’m still mad about wrestling.

nomonkeyfun

They just need to kiss and make up. I mean Brady and his kids that is.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I thought she was/had a Brazilian. Don’t they speak Portuguese?

Gratliff

Correct. Big fans of Spanish with a bunch of random X’s tossed in down there

Brocky

You honestly think I put more than 4 seconds of thought into this?

Gatoraids

The reason they are in is the refs

Game Time Decision

And someone wrote “game over” in his notebook

The Maestro

FUCK YEAH

Trevor Semen

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Senor Weaselo

With how shitty this game has been, do you still get to be happy about it? I feel like nobody actually wins.

Sharkbait

FUCK YEAH!

Horatio Cornblower

Jared Goff looks like Giovanni Ribisi playing a character who doesn’t understand why you won’t let him eat lead paint.

nomonkeyfun

So, Giovanni Ribisi.

Trevor Semen

comment image/revision/latest?cb=20150313020828

...

Just pure fucking shit

King Hippo

sound is off, hope is dead

Senor Weaselo

That’s game.

Ian Scott McCormick

Pick six coming

Gratliff

After the kickoff, that is

yeah right

For fucks sake.

...

Of course it’s going to end this way

Gratliff

ahahahaha here we go

Horatio Cornblower

We’re done here.

King Hippo

yup, 10-3

...

I hate thiscomment image

Ian Scott McCormick

If the refs had called pass interference the Saints would be up by 55 right now.

King Hippo

I goddamned hate everything

clint greasewood

Andy we need to get a Touchdown, take one for the team.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This game is about as joyous as someone delivering a pity fuck.

Gatoraids

I. That’s case at least someone gets off

King Hippo

6-3 P*ts or 10-3 P*ts?

Trevor Semen

Hot Taek: 9-6 P*ts

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gatoraids

Super Bird Box Bowl

Wakezilla

Wifezilla’s aunt is in LA and has a brain tumour. She’s going in for surgery on Tuesday. While WZ’s Aunt is in the hospital, talking to her friend and having a good time, the nurse comes in and snarls “Why are you laughing?, don’t you know you have brain cancer?”

So, now only is this hospital bill going to cost around 100K, but the nurses are cunts too?

Trevor Semen

I would have beaten the shit out of her right then and there

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, legally* you’re allowed to have her killed now.

*not actual legal advice

Gratliff

That’s a nurse that needs to be not a nurse.

hippofant

Only to the 31? That play might have cost Hekker the MVP there!

Senor Weaselo

THIS FOOTBALL GAME I CALL IT FRY’S HOLOPHONOR OPERA BECAUSE IT IS BAD AND THEY ALL SHOULD FEEL BAD!

Gratliff

Andy apparently gets a whopper ketchup only. Fuck Andy.

Horatio Cornblower

Gonna need a shovel and a lantern for that.

Viva La Tabula Raza

At least he didn’t pour Campbells Soup on it.

hippofant

The vegetables are the best part! Even Jon Bois knows this!

Ian Scott McCormick

Jared Kushner would be better behind center.

...

Hey guys, remember when the Bears pulled the Rams pants up over their head and somehow lost on a double doink?

Viva La Tabula Raza

One wonders if the Saints would have made for a better matchup.

King Hippo

Hekker has been shit (except when he gets lucky bounces)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

jesus christ what the fuck is this horseshit. SEAN MCVAY! BOY GENIUS! EVERY TEAM SHOULD GO OUT AND FIND THE NEXT MCVAY!

Ian Scott McCormick

Wow, Tony Romo called handoff on 3 and 22 and he was right. I don’t understand football.

Wakezilla

Based on the last two plays, my evil celebrity pick: the game day refs would have been a perfect fit for today. Stupid work being too busy

Horatio Cornblower

Fuck you Rams. You do not deserve to win this game.

Doktor Zymm

No one deserves to win this game.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Touche’

The Maestro

Senor Weaselo

Goddamn Goff has been shit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

His alter ego Jared Goof showed up instead.

Gatoraids

Nantz say is it late lawl

Wakezilla

HOw the fuck was that not unnecessary roughness?

Brocky

Because it’s not brady

Horatio Cornblower

Wasn’t Brady.

King Hippo

what a dumb piece of shit

herodotus450

NOT ENOUGH COOKS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nicely subtle throwback.

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