Welcome back to Temptation Island Talk!

It’s a good thing I record these episodes because this week, there was some stuff that I had to rewind, pause, and play again to make sure I saw what I thought I saw.

Also, Mark L called an audible that resulted in the couples loosening up and various things happening.

But first, before we get to the recap, let us refresh our memories as to what these idiot couples look like.

Episode 5 Recap

This episode is titled “Rules Are Made To Be Broken” and that works more than one way. I’m pretty proud of Mark L and the production team for coming up with that one.

We start off, again, with the standard “Previously… on Temptation Island” and they show a bunch of clips from the last show.

We are back at the Ladies’ bonfire because last episode we only saw Kaci’s reaction to watching Evan kiss Morgan and her saying she was feeling tortured and somewhere Dick Cheney is calling her a pussy.

Oh Goody! We get to see everything all over again! Yup, Evan is still kissing Morgan and Kaci is still feeling tortured. They finish watching the video and Kaci’s reaction is, “I feel numb. All I want to do is just love him.”

Whatever you say, Tina.

Nicole is next. The team sees Karl singing to Brittney. It doesn’t really bother Nicole as she knows that Karl is a singer. Other than that, she really doesn’t know why it doesn’t bother her. I would love to live in Nicole’s idiot world for one day. “Ooh, the butterfly is pretty! Why? I don’t know but it is!”

Mark L tries to stoke the fire a bit by asking if it bothers her that Karl is singing TO Brittney. No dice. Nicole is too dumb to fall for that persuasion tactic and somewhere the editors are worried their raise from last week will be taken back. Mark L does, however, get Nicole to reveal that she never got butterflies from Karl and hasn’t from anyone in her life. He tells her that’s really sad and that she deserves butterflies and she’s too stupid to realize what he’s telling her.

Kady is next and sees John lick peanut butter off Erica’s boobs. She says it sucks but doesn’t seem too bothered and Mark L goes into full Devil On Shoulders mode. He asks if there is a guy on the island that could make her feel better after watching that. Kady replies that there are several guys and that’s music to Mark L’s ears.

Shari is last and she sees Javen being scared of Brittney. I don’t know why (Jesus, I’m turning into Nicole here), but I’m actually shocked when Shari gets upset here. Apparently, it’s hard to hear someone say something to someone else that they normally say to you. My takeaway is that Shari only wants Javen to be afraid of HER.

She is starting to regret coming to this island and that makes TWO of the girls, so we’re doing pretty well halfway through the season.

What follows next is the reason why Mark L is the perfect person to host this show. He explains to all four coupled girls that only good can come from this experience. Either this makes them stronger as couples or it makes them stronger as individuals. None of it makes them weaker.

Wow, Shari REALLY wants Javen to be scared of her! As bonfire ends, she says she wants to smack Javen in the face for the way he’s acting. I’m ready to call the Popo and help poor Javen get a restraining order.

Meanwhile, at the Guys’ villa, the boys gather in one of the bedrooms to talk about the bonfire. Evan is bummed that Kaci didn’t realize what she signed up for. John says he’s thinking about future bonfires and how they will affect his experience. Evan then asks John if he thinks a kiss is cheating and you can see the little hamster wheel spinning in his brain when John says Yes:

Then John says something extremely stupid, “If she cheats on me, then I might completely go savage!”

I apologize for the all-caps, but it needs to be said this way. FUCKING HELL JOHN! IF YOU FEEL LIKE GOING AFTER A GIRL, YOU FUCKING DO IT! DON’T ASK FOR FUCKING PERMISSION!

Ok, that feels better. I’m sorry if you disagree with me. I’m an asshole at heart but I still feel I’m in the right here.

At the Girls’ villa, the single boys ask the girls how bonfire went and Shari walks right past them and I guess that’s their answer. Kady is not about to let all that attention go to waste, though, She’s hanging out with several of the guys and it is clear that several of the guys want to stick it in her.

I’m sorry, I meant to say that they want to develop a closer lasting connection with her. With their penis. And her anus. You thought I was going to say vagina, didn’t you? Gotta keep you guessing!

Date Draft Time! (With a Twist)

It’s the next morning now and it’s time to pick the dates for Date #4! Only Mark L throws everyone for a loop at the Boys’ villa as he tells the group that the girls will be asked who they want to go on dates with and the guys will only be able to choose from that group.

Immediately, John freaks out because he realizes he may not get any girls to choose him. Javen goes first and here are his choices:

Javen chooses Hannah. Karl is next and he’s got plenty of choices:

Karl chooses Brittney and that’s a smart move for many reasons. Evan is next:

I’m actually surprised that anyone other than Morgan raised their hand. Evan picks Morgan and Mark L says, “Shocker” and I really love when Mark L talks smack. The last one to pick is John:

John is blocked from picking Katheryn, so his choices really are Sheldyn and Lindsay. He chooses Lindsay, the new girl.

Before I move on, I have some thoughts on this. I KNEW it was a good idea to record this and watch later. There were a couple of things that I noticed having freeze-framed the video:

1) WTF happened to Erica?!? Did getting peanut butter licked off her boobs disqualify her or something? Or, is she allergic to peanut butter and had to be rushed to the hospital and thus wasn’t available for dates?

2) Did you notice that Jeffri, Katheryn, and Sheldyn chose multiple dudes? Isn’t that against the rules? OH WAIT! The title of this episode is “Rules Are Made To Be Broken” and maybe that’s where it came from?

Like Nicole, I don’t know. Let’s move on to the Girls’ villa, where they had the same choice. I’m really curious to see if anyone raises their hand for Shari. Kaci goes first and here are her choices:

That’s a lot of dudes trying to get a date with Kaci! That was surprising. Kaci chooses Jack. She must like poetry.

Kady is next and here are her choices:

Johnnie’s arm almost bursts out of its socket raising his hand and Kady thinks that’s cute, so she picks him. The lesson, kids, is that, with slutty girls that crave attention, it’s better to be first than good.

Shari goes next and I’m shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, when three arms go up. We do not see on camera the gun that Shari has pointed at their heads:

There is some comedy here as Scott had said in confessional that he felt he had a good chance of getting a date because he had been spending time with Shari. Of course, she picks James. Serves Scott right for wanting a date with a succubus.

Shari thinks the guys are intimidated by her and I think the right word is scared and I don’t blame them. Also, James must be a masochist. Or must really want to tap Shari’s ass. Maybe both?

Finally, it’s Nicole’s turn and here are her choices:

Nicole picks Tyler and as they all go off to their dates, you can distinctly hear Scott cough, “That’s bullshit!” Everyone hears it, but to his credit, he doesn’t back down and says “Bullshit” as they head to their dates. It’s moments like these that make me love this show.

The Boys’ dates begin and they are double dates again. Karl and Brittney go with John and Lindsay on some speedboat called an “Insane Boat” or something like that. The best part about this boat is this:

Hannah and Javen have a picnic at the beach. She is impressed with how far he has come in that she can now touch him and he can now protect her from skin cancer. That’s a good line and y’all should use it next time you’re at the beach.

Morgan and Evan are also on a picnic, but it’s further away because they want privacy. In their private area, Morgan admits that she has never had grapefruit. She explains that she’s been deprived of a lot of things and gives Evan a look that says she’s been deprived of Evan’s penis too long. Then they kiss and make out some more.

All four of the coupled girls go with their dates to a luau.

There is some nice product placement again for Pau vodka and really you should buy some just so we can get a second season:

Johnnie is super competitive at lawn bowling or some lawn thing that they have set up and this gets Kady wetter than Lindsay on the boat. Apparently she thinks irrational competitiveness is the same thing as “leadership”.

Back at the Boys’ villa, Katheryn and Jeffri are scheming and figuring out how to get Katheryn a “date” in the villa with John. This should be good.

James is talking to Shari at the Luau and explains to her how Temptation Island works. Somehow, he has managed to get through to her and she now understands. I mean, did no one explain this to her prior to going on the show? I would think someone would have…

Dating Chart!

The dates are over and now is as good a time as any to review the chart of all the dates so far with repeats in italics. Repeat dates with the same person are in bold italics:

Coupled Boy/Girl	Date#1	Date#2	Date#3	Date#4
Karl	Sheldyn	Allie	Jeffri	Brittney
John	Hannah	Rachel	Tara	Lindsay
Javen	Kayla	Erica	Allie	Hannah
Evan	Brittney	Morgan	Morgan	Morgan
Shari	James	Tyler	Jon	James
Kaci	Carlos	Justin	Val	Jack
Nicole	Tyler	James	Jack	Tyler
Kady	John	Wynn	Carlos	John

Lindsay lands a date at the first opportunity while Cameron may be shit out of luck as almost all the coupled girls went out with dudes they already went on dates with. Scott and Matt still haven’t gotten dates and may be wanting to go home already. Only Katheryn hasn’t gone on an official date, but remember that she’s scheming to set up an “in-house” date!

Back at the Boys’ villa, Katheryn is setting up flowers and tea lights in the patio to Evan’s room while Jeffri distracts John with pool and her tig ass bitties. Katheryn then casually walks over and asks to “borrow” John for a bit. John sees the setup and he is impressed! This leads to this exchange:

John: Kady would never do anything like this for me!

Katheryn: Katheryn will.

I don’t know what’s better, Katheryn speaking in third person or John sadly realizing how shitty his girlfriend is. YET, he speaks to Katheryn about not wanting to do anything until Kady cheats and both Katheryn and I are super annoyed at him.

John is an idiot. Katheryn has to take a moment and goes to confessional to get dramatic and cry. At this point, I believe barely a quarter of what comes out of her mouth. She comes back and they talk some more. Then, they go to the pool table and he apologizes to her. She accepts and tricks him into a kiss.

John is now a double idiot because he says he didn’t kiss her and really I don’t see what Katheryn sees in him. Maybe she sees a sucker with a house in Fort Worth that she can marry, divorce in a couple of years, and take half his shit? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Meanwhile, Kady and Johnnie are in the jacuzzi and.. wait… is that a hand on the ass?

Indeed it is! I like how casual Johnnie plays it like he’s drinking out of his cup and looking away and No, that’s not my hand on Kady’s ass! What are you talking about?

Look, dude, if you’re gonna grab a girl’s ass in the jacuzzi, for fuck’s sake, you put on the jets first! I feel this is elementary shit that everyone should know! Especially with cameras around! Damn!

Meanwhile, Nicole tells Tyler that if they met in real life like at a bar, she would never be talking deeply like this and they would have already gone home together. Mind you, it wouldn’t be a one-night stand because they would BUILD from the sex and THEN get into deep conversations!

Do you now understand why I think Nicole is as dumb as a box of rocks? Yes, she’s 25, but aren’t you mature enough by then to figure out that it’s better to develop an emotional connection BEFORE sex? Call me an old fart, I guess.

Karl knows and he’s not stupid and he’s in the jacuzzi with Brittney and the jets are at full blast! He really is way more mature than Nicole. He understands that his body wants to do things yet his mind is resisting and it sounds like his hand will be fighting his dick tonight with his other hand distracting his balls just the way he likes it. (Hat tip to Dave Attell)

Evan and Morgan are internally deciding whether to fuck or not.

Hannah confronts John about the date with Katheryn and his refusal to do anything with anyone until Kady does. I have another one on my side! Sadly, John doesn’t seem to get the message and thinks Hannah was very aggressive. He’s the only one that’s not understanding and isn’t it sad to see the only idiot in the room that doesn’t catch on?

Bonfire Time! (or Not?)

Mark L shows up to the Girls’ villa and tells them there will be no bonfire tonight. Everyone is relieved and Nicole actually crosses herself, which reminds me of a classic line from Sixteen Candles, “You go to church?”

Mark L implores the ladies to embrace their own journey and that’s code for “Let loose, you tight ass bitches!”. Remember, I can read between the lines.

To my surprise and pretty much to the surprise of all the single boys, Kaci and Shari decide to take this advice to heart and start dancing dirty with all the boys. Kaci twerks what little ass she has while Shari puts on skin-tight leggings that really showcase her ass and starts dancing with random dudes. The Single Boys, to a man, are wondering where the fuck these two have been all this time.

It is very funny to see how Johnnie, Carlos, and Wynn are all competing to see who gets to be first in Kady’s Kooch.

At the Boys’ villa, the single girls decide that, to celebrate no bonfire, they should have a “formal” party. As Sheldyn puts it, “Dress To Impress like you’re about to run into your ex!”

Jeffri’s tits show up in a white dress that prompts a “Damn!” from Morgan and a hilarious look from Javen:

Karl shows up wearing a suit and here is Life Lesson# 290 that Temptation Island has taught us: ZZ Top is right.

I hope that kitchen has enough Bounty because every girl in there has noticed Karl and is… impressed. Tara more than most as she makes a show of wiping some sweat off his chest and something tells me she’s going to take a long hot bath later tonight. Brittney doesn’t like this turn of events at all.

Kady ends the night with Johnnie in her bedroom and then walks him out. I guess tonight is NOT the night for anal sex.

It is, however, the night for having single people in your bedroom as Tyler is in Nicole’s bed! It looks fairly innocent and she says she’s going to sleep and he’s still there and not leaving and somewhere Mark L is yelling at his production team, “You got that?!? Please tell me you got that!”

Not to be left out, Brittney is also in Karl’s room and they’re talking and then he walks her out and she’s downstairs again and PISSED. Apparently, this girl doesn’t get rejected often (or ever) and doesn’t like the experience. To that, I say, “Suck it up, hippie!”

She complains to John and he’s there for her but honestly I wouldn’t listen to a damn word John says because he’s fucking up this experience for himself. I hope at least he and Kady break up so that he has a chance to be happy with someone not on this island.

Finally, we get to Evan and Morgan, who are also in bed and making out and Morgan is begging Evan to take her clothes off and Evan keeps saying he can’t, he can’t and really dude, what’s stopping you? She’s already in your bed. You’ve made out with her multiple times. Just fuck already!

We’ll see how long he can hold out. Oh wait, we have a preview for the next episode?

Apparently, not long, which is something Evan hopes Morgan does NOT say in the next episode.

***

Updated Predicciones

Here’s the way I see it after this episode:

• John and Kady: Fucked Cowgirl Style
• Nicole and Karl: Fucked Missionary Style
• Shari and Javen: Fucked with a Strap-On
• Kaci and Evan: Let the video below tell you what I think:

While I’m saying Javen and Shari are fucked, really they’re the only couple that can probably make it. It’s too bad too because it looks like Javen deserves better. Who knows, though? People are stupid and make stupid mistakes all the time. If he decides to stay with her and she with him, they truly deserve the misery of a divorce in 6 years.

Evan and Kaci are toast and Evan is just trying to figure out a way to not look like a total asshole to his friends, family, and Morgan’s family after the show airs. Karl is NOT going to like seeing Nicole in bed with Tyler and I pray that John sees something that Kady does that convinces him that she’s not the girl for him. It sounds like she already knows that and it would suck for him not to realize it until the very end.

Remember that I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Tuesday the next episode airs. This is Episode 5 of 10, so we are halfway through this adventure!

Temptation Island airs every Tuesday on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account although it seems the first two episodes are available for free) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website: https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

Let me know what you think in the comments.

(27/69)