The district was short people this morning, so I got called in. Apologies for the haphazard presentation, but earning extra Spring Break drinking money will always take priority.
NFL Nuggets:
- As expected, Blake Bortles & his lifetime 24-49 record were released by the Jags Tuesday evening.
- He’s sure to latch on as a backup somewhere, assuming the role of “smirking bastard” Chad Henne had behind him.
- Proving it’s a new era in Baltimore, Lamar Jackson Instagrammed himself (since deleted) doing 105 mph in his car while also not wearing a seatbelt.
- But don’t worry – after a stern talking to – he’s totes recognized the error of his ways.
I made a bad decision and will set a better example going forward. #Myapologies
— Lamar Jackson (@Lj_era8) March 13, 2019
- The Saints restructured Drew Brees’ contract to push more of his guaranteed money into future years.
- They pushed $20 million of his contract into 2020, in order to free up $10.8 million in cap space for 2019.
- It’s not Bobby Bonilla getting paid $1.2 million per year until 2035, but it’s a sizable chunk staring them down when they eventually rebuild without Brees.
- They pushed $20 million of his contract into 2020, in order to free up $10.8 million in cap space for 2019.
- KJ Wright is staying in Seattle, making Beastmode & I very happy.
- Unlike our failed marriage.
- It’s 2 years totaling $15 million.
- Seattle also signed kicker Jason Myers away from the Jets.
- Four years & $15.5 million should provide some stability to a part of the Hawks lineup that used to be automatic.
- The Raiders released Jordy Nelson & AJ McCarron.
- Nelson because his salary ran up against the cap room they needed for Antonio Brown.
- McCarron because they don’t want his wife anywhere near Brent Musburger when they move to Las Vegas.
Finally, the Giants have found Eli a new target in Golden Tate, who’s now in the Meadowlands for four years.
- Let’s see how Giants fans are reacting to both decisions:
GO FUCK YOURSELVES. FUCK DAVE GETTLEMAN AND FUCK JOHN MARA. WHAT A TERRIBLY RAN FRANCHISE… I’M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. Meanwhile, my Odell Beckham Browns jersey will be in the mail shortly. Sorry that you will now lose out on my money and I will not attend a single game this year.
— cole (@_coIe) March 13, 2019
https://twitter.com/richg85_rich/status/1106305536407027712
I am going to drink myself to deathhttps://t.co/EdOvnXzEtS
— Dave Rappoccio (@DrawPlayDave) March 14, 2019
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Penguins at Sabres – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- Predators at Kings – 10:30PM | Sportsnet
- NBA:
- Lakers at Raptors – 8:00PM | TNT / Sportsnet1
- Mavericks at Nuggets – 10:30PM | TNT / Sportsnet1
- NCAA:
- ACC Basketball Tournament:
- Louisville vs. U*NC – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- Syracuse vs. Duke – 9:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- Big 12 Basketball Tournament:
- Texas Tech vs. West Virginia – 7:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN4
- Kansas vs. Texas – 9:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN4
- Big East Basketball Tournament:
- Marquette vs. St. John’s or DePaul – 7:00PM | FS1
- Seton Hall vs. Georgetown – 9:30PM | FS1
- American Athletic Basketball Tournament:
- Tulsa vs. SMU – 8:00PM | ESPNU
- Wichita State vs. East Carolina – 10:00PM | ESPNU
- Atlantic 10 Basketball Tournament:
- St. Louis vs. Richmond or Fordham – 8:30PM | NBCSN
- ACC Basketball Tournament:
“Mass Shooting At Two Mosques In New Zealand”
Turn, turn, turn.
Fuck this, Gonna keep drinking and making dick jokes. You guys rule and the world is a miserable helltaint.
Jesus, it’s a fucking Aussie who’s quoting our fucking 2nd Amendment.
Again, fuck this.
Nearly 250 comments. Fuh yeh.
Only 23% GIFs!
Playing my first ever Call of Duty game since I got it free with my PS+ subscription. So far I give it 7/10. Only playing the campaign though. I don’t need to be called the n-word by angry 14 year olds.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qeoye2Ef4oM
THESE FAT SAN JOSE SHARKS FANS, I CALL THEM WEEZER’S FAVORITE SONGS, BECAUSE THEY’RE COVERED IN TEAL.
Muddy. Fucking. Waters.
https://youtu.be/rea4Stp0SeE
/it would be seriously fantabulous if all youse were listening to this track at once. Can someone post this “the right way”? Please and thank you.
Here we are
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rea4Stp0SeE
Thanks. I’m dumb.
It ain’t that, it’s that you speak so softly people think you’re dumb.
“Bring me champagne when I thirsty
Bring me reefer when I wanna get high”
I mean, seems reasonable.
I think the San Jose Sharks are building their franchise based on funny names. Vlasic? Hertl? Joonas Donkstoi? Melker Karlsson? Jesus! Lol
Update: I continued to make general small talk to the woman. After I offer to take her Tim Hortons cup away and throw it in the trash, he said something to me in Filipino and stormed off. (Just a reminder, I have a Buddha belly, am balding and making the most general conversation ever). Then when he returned I called him by his wrong name and have not seen him since. What a psychopath.
Anyway, my boss went home, which means I can finally leave.
I give this experience 3.5/5 stars
You should’ve said to her, “Hey, when you leave, mind if I tagalog?”
That’s gettin you the Manila Vanila for sure*
*I don’t think that’s a thing, but I’ve had enough beer to where it’s funny to me
That’s actually pretty funny
Ah, you’re drinking too. Excellent.
Jets fan here. Watched a 25 minute YouTube video of Le’Veon Bell career highlights with a hand in my pants. Think he has any wheels left? Or are we looking at Santonio Holmes part deux?
Yes.
Poop. Hooray?
He is out of shape after all this time, but if he gets back into form he would be very dynamic.
He ran AMAZING pass routes with Pittsburgh (under Todd Haley?). That HAS to be good for Darnold, right?! O Christ let this work!!!
Only if Darnold has time to throw. See my other comment about the O line. Basically, star players cannot shine if the line is a turnstile.
Jets ran ok some last year. Crowell broke some huge runs. Longer than Jet fans are used to since Leon stopped running back our kicks. I like Woody’s brother better than him. Imagine that! A positive byproduct of the Trump Administration.
Make sure and discount that fucking Broncos game.
THAT WAS THE PILLAR OF MY WHOLE ARGUMENT!!!
It’s cracked.
“YOU’RE cracked!”
[sobs]
– G. Kittle
Santa Clara , CA
Make sure and discount that tight end reception game…….. shit.
Gase SHOULD be able to use him to good affect, but no guarantees on that.
They is what he is there for; a great safety valve when Sammy gets quick pressure.
Man, Darnold made a banged up Miami Dolphins defense look like the ’72 No Name Defense.
The o-line wasn’t the issue
Rookies do that.
Just be careful with your grip.
Please post video of the pants thing thx k bye
Sounds like you were ringing your bell so often, nearby Catholics thought it was time for mass
But seriously, if you like German porn where 8 muscular men forcefully stuff a box, you’re going to love the Jets run game this year.
The Jets often seem to have a pretty solid run game.
I’m sorry — typo….
The Jets often seem to squander a pretty solid run game.
The problem that will happen is that Le’Veon is used to having time behind the line of scrimmage to select a hole and drive through it.
The Jets’ O-line is not exactly a powerhouse. He may not have the time and then people will question if he’s lost a step. It won’t be the step, it will be the fact his line can’t hold the holes open as long as before.
PHRASING.
They HAVE to take a monstrous OL in the first round, right?
Yes, i’d say so. Otherwise, they’re throwing money away…
Then again, this is the Jets we’re talking about…
I think if his conditioning is right he’ll have a decent year and catch a shit-ton of passes. I’d be worried about him tearing something due to lack of game shape any given week though.
PS. Sorry about Anthony Barr friend.
Yeah. That one hurt my dead feelings. Like when a MMA fighter gets knocked out cold, and still has to endure 3 or 4 head shots before the ref can stop the fight. That’s the sensation of being a ny Jets fan.
There’s plenty of Vikes fans that are mad he’s back cause he’s never really been a playmaker though (broken collarbone aside). He gobbles up snaps in the middle of the field but that’s about it. Sounds like he might rush the edge more now but we’ll see. You may have dodged a bullet. Time will tell.
He is the type of quick cut back that can make up for some poor o-line play. Shitsburgh had a lot of injuries several times during his stay and he was still very productive.
Actually, the entire line, backups included, improved greatly when Munchak was there, which coincided with Bell’s stay. Before that, it was a garbage fire.
True, Munch is probably the best OL coach around, but backups are backups for a reason. Bell is a very versatile back who is athletic and great in all aspects of the RB game.
Darnold got into USC because his parents bribed some guy to convince the school that he was a quarterback.
Fucking just kill me now.
I guess I’ll just shout my complaint into the bomb cyclone. It should reach Branson, MO in no time!
HAI! FronkenÜber now reporting for duty! Well…tomorrow morning, howsabout? I’m a bit drinking tonight.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plna4yeuPLQ
Doing a conference and working with this Filipino couple. The woman is pretty attractive and the guy is uglier than sin. Anyway, I’m talking to the lady and her boyfriend is getting weirdly aggressive, possessive and rude. At this point, I gotta just keep talking to this woman and act somewhat charming in order to set this guy off now, right? He’s kind of asking for it
Devil’s 3-way, coming right up!
Absolutely
Obviously, yes. Then just as she’s about to leave her husband for you, yell “SURPRISE I’M GAY” and make out with him. Good time for all.
I can add nothing better than this….ever.
Right now, I hate the world and just about everyone in it.
Sorry, truth hurts.
But you guys are ok. Well, most of you at least. Well, some of you.
Ok…a few of you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxUATkpMQ8A
I’ve lived my life trying to be almost-adequate.
You almost are.
-Blair Walsh
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it appears I have to go back on fucking facebook and have another fucking argument by text. Holy shit, Where’s the tylenol?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66nSZzBNkTU
You do know the definition of insanity, right?
Indeed I do.
Don’t do it man, nobody wins. Nobody ever wins.
…Unless you stop responding, then the other person can declare victory.
Just gonna say it.
Enjoying this Blue Moon Honey Wheat beer.
Mock away.
As far a a Coors product; it is not that bad. BUT YOU COULD DO BETTER.
Yes, but not for the price. WHICH IS REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT.
Well, yes; free is quite the motivator.
Beer enjoyed deserves no mockery*
*Unless it’s Bud Light Lime. Fuck that nonsense.
hey, if someone don’t enjoy, it goes to waste and that be alkeehawl abuse!!
you’re UC-Irvine, right? Should we follow you on ESPN3?
Hehehe….that was good.
We’re playing 8 seed UC Riverside right now, and should be pulling away soon (up 15ish right now). Tomorrow should be better, and Saturday (fingers crossed) is on The Deuce.
oh yeah, I need sommet to watch that don’t involve teh ACC
Tomorrow we’re playing at either 9 or 9:30 EDT. I’m terrified of the game tomorrow. Also, commitment and spiders.
that was the only thing I did right as a husband – she was terrified of spiders, and I would gladly squash with my shoe, or even a paper towel. No problem.
Wasps and snakes, though…I damn near faint
I don’t FEAR spiders, like more than usual, but I don’t like them, especially since they love my blood or whatever. I’m a spider magnet. (Yes, I found Tobey Maguire on my cock late one night. It was awkward.)
I don’t like Wasps either, especially if they drive BMWs.
When in Rome……
So, I logged into twitter and saw Sid Sexiero trending. After clicking on his name, I saw people around the world mocking him. When discussing about who is the goat, Portugese Ronaldo and Messi, he said Messi is a fraud, over-rated and mediocre in international play because he has never won an international trophy, therefore he can never be considered the GOAT. Then he said Cristiano Ronaldo is the greatest because he played with no one. Because if there’s one thing we know, is that fucking Real Madrid, Manchester United and now Juventus are known for having shit players. He also at one point confused the Ronaldos and now my brain hurts and I never want to hear of Tim and Sid ever again.
Holy fuck!
I mean, you did log into twitter.
Twitter makes stupid people angry and angry people stupid.
it is like being asked for a swift kick to one’s frontal lobe
moar like twatter amirit?
Touché
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmuC8iohU88
The Protocols of Zion dictate that the Williamson child must play.
Zion should not be playing. He stands to lose sooo much money if he blows a knee.
Eh, he might lose the rest of his salary for this year but he’ll make it up next after getting drafted.
He also earned really good money in college.
Are you guys saying that Duke is corrupt? I don’t think the NCAA would allow that.
Well, I would never!
*limit it to just Duke.
I don’t have anything against the Jewish faith per se, but any religious state is……. oh shit, the BASKETBALL PLAYER.
his Nike overlords must have pushed hard. If he wasn’t on Dook, U*NC, or Kansas, his ass would rest until the NBA Draft
OR he wants to play, not everybody is motivated the same.
*Just most, tho.
Lightning never strikes the same splot twice… unless it’s a tall pointy thing or a team with terrible defence. Tampa brings it to within one to open the third.
Power is still down in several places due to this last storm; WE ARE NOT PUERTO RICO!!
Also fire trucks were out hosing off traffic lights that were packed with snow due to high winds. I was not quite ready to see that.
Sorry; I’m sure no one wants to here about my relationship troubles with women.
So if [DFO] had an instagram account how many followers could Moose get it up to before getting it shut down for a naked woman wrasslin an alien in a vat of pudding?
Only one way to find out.
All of us, and about 15 minutes.
“I would never last that long.”
-What they all said.
Someone say pudding?
Only one person here rapes pudding.
I confessed that in confidence.
Well, it was asking for it. Plus, it’s not like anyone could tell.
Yeah, tapioca do be like that.
I WAS TALKING MORE OF THE DISTURBANCE; YOU AIN’T GONNA MAKE MUCH OF A MESS…..
Small penis reference aside; tapioca is a complete slut.
Did you see how that pudding was dressed? Was just asking for it.
Lid open means open season.
*alien with nine self-lubricating tentacles.
@Hippo, please check email.
I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here.
Yeah, funny thing is I can’t find my glasses either.
I think I left them in Charlotte yesterday.
Seriously.
I blame Bobby Cremins.
Hehehehe
Ms. Charlotte has an odd penetration fetish, doesn’t she?
Well, shit.
Give Ray Harryhausen a bit of time to figure this out and it’ll be all good.
Deep cut!
Oh shit. New Jimmy Carr special on Netflix.
Thanks; I need to add to my watch list, which if history holds I will get to it after they remove it.
Check out Jon Richardson and Sean Lock on ‘highlights’ of ‘8 out of 10 Cats’. They’s funny/brilliant in very different ways.
Hope I have her shoulders when I’m his age…
women like that are proof that maybe God loves us after all…
I was adding legs to scotch shoulder comment.
Well, it’s that good genetics propagate.
Them is some nice legs.
Hey, did I mention how glad I am not to have played my WVU hunch??
Maybe you should start listening to your WVU beer belly. Hunches are so 17th century.
always do what yer gut say – Bob H., Morganhole, WV
That is no way to talk about a college kid with Spinal Lordosis.
the good fixtures now are in SEC and B1G
Gentlemen!!!!! Oh sorry, I forgot who I was talking to.
What’s up, dipshits?
submit your PFBL files! Commish is mad at me.
Oh shit, I forgot again.
OK, I’m on it.
It’s been a weird coupla weeks/months. Sorry man.
I knows it, told commish so. Baseball concentration takes bad thoughts away!
Hey! We resemble that remark!
not safe for hillary smh
https://shop.oxballs.com/product.sc?productId=44
I think we can safely say St. John’s won’t beat Marquette a third time.
/Insert Bubble Buddy jokes here
“I’ve gotta a Wort joke in my back pocket. Anyone? Anyone?”
-Moose
That’s like a middle draw; never works twice in a row.
Teddy Ballgame rebuffs starting job chance with Lolfins, chooses to keep his leg attached and hold Breesus Christ’s clipboard
Prolly a wise move.
yup
Huggy Bear? Still a great tourney coach.
/also still obscenely fat
Still maintain after all these years that he favored Hutch over Starsky.
Made a mistake and did DFS ice football. I did not pray to GAMBLOR enough
that stuff is like crack laced with battery acid
/also NEVAR could #HAILGAMBLOR with any success in ice footy – only Litre can do that
Havin a tough time with teh Ice Footbaw this year, haven’t been watchin as much. The Serie A in Italy however has been great. Only watch that because my spawn is up at 4 am on weekends.
I always think of hockey as Angry Curling
this explains the Rangers’ problems perfectly
How much fun would it be if the next two seasons were all about Chefs/#ThePauls in the AFC, Bearistocrats! and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! in the NFC?
/Superb Owl whatever the next number is will be P*ts v. Non-Gendered Cowpersons, I will finally get around to killing myself
Please donate your femurs, to, uh, science?
/all of Commentist Party changes their wills
Non-darkest timeline: Brady insists on playing into his 60s, Belichick revolts and quits and goes back to Clevelland. Lures LeBron James back as a tight end. All announcers’ heads simultaneously explode.
that Belicheat aspect was in Perna’s video!
Now the Donks are in the “We need to over-pay to get anybody to play here.” mode.
at least they overpaid a good RT. The cheap route was…unflattering
We’ll see. He is not that highly rated in several circles. The first thing is staying healthy; he’s on the every other year missing 9 games schedule. Hopefully he stabilizes that side and pass blocks adequately.
Come on Louisianna Tech! Beat ODU, I mean didn’t he either die or go to prison?
did I mention that I had a West By God Virginia vibe I failed to act on? GUHHHHHH
Tight like Utah prom night now.
looks like they’ll make it through
Soaking is making it through IMO.
“…making Beastmode & I very happy.
Unlike our failed marriage.
It’s 2 years totaling $15 million.”
That was an expensive marriage between you two kids.
If Beastmode had $15 million, we’d still be married.
(I was wondering when someone would spot that.)
found a funny:
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
The Cleveland Browns are the very first 7-8-1 team loading up for a “It’s Now Or Never” championship year.
they gots a 2-year window before they have to start really PAYING their best young talent. Yinzers are in decline, Cincy is Cincy, and Balmer is transitioning. Not a bad idea to push in your chips.
True, but “Push in your chips” is a Midwestern term for anal sex.
and y’all say The South is all weird ,, smh
I mean, just 6 months ago if a typical fan was told that Peppers was traded away, the response would be “same old Browns”. Front office must be run by adherents of Jorge Luis Borges and his ‘magical realism’.
Well, they got some talent for Peppers. They certainly have a shot at the division so they can go one-and-done in the play-offs.
ah say Devin White at #1(10) Moooooose, whut say yewwwwww?
I’d be okay with that assuming he can cover like how they are rating him.
if so, then Donks would be stacked at LB even if you started me next to Von, Chubb, and White
Don’t over state it.
Also they have so many holes, that would be the only good squad.
I do struggle with open field tackling ,, ppl forget that
That’s what she said.
and it’s definitely just Year 2 of a 3-year Draft project. 2019 another transition season.
Even by my most optimistic take, we will still have major voids at QB and TE that need filled in 2020 Draft. Maybe also WR.
I don’t trust Elway and the draft; last year was great, but the previous ones……
I am hoping this means we are letting the professionals do their job, but now that Horse Whisperer Kubes is gone…
Perna’s take:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebzc7RE2FK8
He really needs to be a member here.
So much worship to Gamblor this week while in bed with a toddler given disease. It is like spring training for next week!
COME ON NORTHERN ILLINOIS lose by less than 9!
By the way fuck the kid from UW who missed 2 fee throws at the end of the game to not cover. His parent for certain paid his way in.
Not a good sign when the hockey talking guy has to remind you that the opposition is NOT on the powerplay, despite what you are watching.
Would you stop shitting on the Senators for just one post?
/might be making an ass out of you and me…
It was a true line in the Wings game just now, who have just joined the vaunted Melnyk-ators as the latest team mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Can’t wait for Edmonton-Chicago-Colorado to win the lottery!
Ice Iggles game?
Tampa-Detroit. Detroit has 6 shots and two fluky goals.
Typical Ohio Spring Weather. The first spring stormy afternoon is Mother Nature trying to blow Cincinnati off the face of the Earth, one cell at a time.
I just LOVE there is a hashtag “FucktheGiants” from their own ppls!
It’s been just barely t-shirt weather this afternoon, but it looks like rain’s a comin’ this fine Smarch day.
“Talk about the weather all you want-every day is a wife-beater kind of day for me.”
-Ray Rice
Scotchy! I found a hobo-killin’ anthem for ye:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvJjmWTg7Qo
That’s not half bad lyrically and she’s got a catchy riff to boot. Nice.
What you readin’ at the moment?
just finished Hooky’s “Unknown Pleasures” and am back in the Turtledove alternate history CSA v. USA war series. You?
/basically, Hitler emerges in The South instead of Germany
/is kind of “popcorn” reading, but cleanses the palette after “Golden State” by the “Last Policeman” author. That shit were DARK.
I’m doing a contrarian take on the Mongols influence in the 13th century and beyond by Jack Weatherford. It’s curious that writers of the day admired him and that his current rep as a havoc-wreaker /destroyer/Godless heathen only came about in the 18th century.
I got to wear shorts today. SHORTS!! Getting thunderstorms tomorrow.
BUTTERFLYPOCOLYPSE DAY 1
[Walks outside]
Man, it sure is windy. And that’s a lot of leaves coming right at m–
[Is momentarily enveloped by a swarm of butterflies, which then disburse leaving nothing but a bloody shoe behind]
Yep, us too. It’s like snow fall if snow was colorful and left a smear on your windshield after you hit it.
We’re on our 4th day.
“YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART-MILES AND MILES OF HEART” (back when they were good/relevant)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpoP4YSFKGA
What is, Andy Reid getting excited waiting in line for the chicken gizzard buffet?
(runs to the bloody shoe)
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY?!?!??!?!? WHY DID ASH HAVE TO GIVE UP BUTTERFREE?!?!?!??!
BEEEEEEEEEEEE FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Well clearly he got what he deserved!
/Here lies Ash, he never became a Pokemon Master
“….bloody shoe behind”
I hate when butterflies get their period.
Question: Isn’t Zeitler a good o-lineman? Him, plus Peppers and a first round pick that pans out could be a massive steal for the Giants. I didn’t realize the Browns gave up so much.
Near as I can figure, Gettleman is transitioning the team into a run-first, Strong D type of team and most Jizziants fans just don’t get it. Most on-line fans are wallowing in self-pity and manifesting it as outrage. They be crying for a qb to be drafted in the 1st but I don’t think it’s going to happen. O-line and difference-maker on D is the way I think he’s going to go in the first round.
he loves them “hog mollies” as Gettleman puts it.
Still, Golden Taint…
He seems to have overpaid for a chain-mover wr. His drafting/free agent signing history sure don’t involve a game-breaker at wr. He’s a win in the trenches 71(?) year old, anti-analytics kinda fella.
To be fair, giving up comes second nature to the Browns.
Just remember, after they traded for Hershel Walker, many people thought the Vikings won the trade at first.