Your “Goodnight, Sweet Prince” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

I just want to thank everyone who covered for me this weekend. Thanks for the brief vacation from the #content mines.

NFL News:

  • Disgusted at what his owner had become, Rob Gronkowski retired from the New England Patriots on Sunday.
    • Gronk, seen right imitating his team owner’s last trip to Florida, has been weighing retirement since the end of the 2017 season.
      • Acquiring a shocker of rings, however, may have tipped the balance in favour of walking away while he can still remember whose round it is.
    • The Patriots are now tapped with finding a suitable replacement, since their only other viable alternative left them hanging about three years ago.
      • But there is a caveat:

  • Given how the new kickoff rules have essentially eliminated the onside kick, the Broncos proposed an alternative to the Competition Committee.
    • It would allow, in the 4th quarter only & after a score, for the kicking team to attempt a 4th & 15 from their own 35. If they succeed, they would keep the ball and proceed from there.
    • The only opponent in the Committee was apparently John Mara of the Giants, who proclaimed, “What are we, the Arena Football League?”
  • The Competition Committee also is proposing to increase the number of ejectable offences.
    • As stated in their proposal, the Committee wants to “amend Rule 15, Section 1, Article 5 to allow League personnel to disqualify for both flagrant football and non-football acts.”
      • The theory is that it moves the League closer to shadowing the NCAA’s “targeting” rule.

Finally, to kick off the league’s 100th season, they have decided that the Bears & Packers will start the 2019 season on Thursday, September 5th.

It’ll be in Chicago, and the 199th game in the historic rivalry. The Packers hold a 97-95-6 edge in the series, which includes two playoff games (1-1).

PFT drunkenly surmises that one reason for the change – The Pats will open on Sunday night – is because of all the Robert Kraft nonsense. The NFL is trying to keep the focus on the game, and hiding Robert Kraft behind a weekend of opening day games will minimize the spotlight.

Just how Robert Kraft wants it.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Bruins at Bolts – 7:30PM | Sportsnet1
    • Predators at Wild – 8:00PM | NBCSN
    • Red Wings at Sharks – 10:30PM | Sportsnet1
  • NBA:
    • 76ers at Magic – 7:00PM | NBATV
    • Thunder at Grizzlies – 8:00PM | TSN
    • Brooklyn at Portland – 10:00PM | NBATV
  • NCAA:
    • Men’s:
      • NIT Basketball Tournament:
        • Norfolk State at Colorado – 9:00PM | ESPN2
    • Women’s:
      • Women’s Tournament: Second Round
        • 7:00PM | ESPN
        • 9:00PM | ESPN
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Also, if you are looking for a career change, Big Daddy Drew tweeted out Deadspin’s advertisement for a new staff writer. It seems anyone can apply, given the broad nature of their recruitment:

This is a full-time staff position (open to remote candidates).

BACK IN THE SADDLE!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Please Login to comment
51 Comment threads
122 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
26 Comment authors
Moose -The End Is Well NighRikki-Tikki-DeadlyUnsurprisedtheeWeeBabySeamusWCS Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

If they raise the number of ejectable offenses, I better start seeing highlight clips of Tawwmy being fucking murdered on the field.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“Not Deadspin Material” my memoirs as I detail how I completely failed at writing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

ELO calls/called themselves an orchestra. And granted, they had some nice strings. But I’ve yet to hear any brass or woodwinds. I think they’re full of shit. Fuck you Jeff Lynne.

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

SonOfSpam

Hey guys.

(looks down, kicks at a pebble)

I guess one win is better than no wins.

(kicks at another pebble)

WIsh I felt better.

(notices beer in hand)

HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN BOYZ???

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

SonOfSpam

That selfish motherfucker died on my birthday. HOG THE FUCKING SPOTLIGHT ASSHOLE.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Good point. Fucker ruined my beach trip.

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

WCS

At least you got that far. WVU is playing in the CBI, and…
comment image

“Lost by 19, at home, to Coastal Carolina.”

I’ll swap with you, if you’re interested.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sorry, I want to make a joke about UCI’s Coach Turner being a homophobic asshole, but I can’t think of anything subtle.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Day 6 of being sick is no better than days 1-5

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

You have my sympathies, but if my Mistborn knowledge is correct? If you’re not dead after the 7th day then you’ll have allomantic powers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And now you’re making me Google things? What a Dick.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“What a Dick.”

– Not Jenn Sterger

Sharkbait

Pro Tip, When booking flights on an international carrier, book in different currency than USD.

herodotus450
herodotus450

And pay 100,000 Lira for my flight? Noooooo thank you.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Why?

Sharkbait

Cheaper. Looking at flights to the UK. Norwegian flies direct to the UK for $100 cheaper if you book in NOK currency vs. USD

herodotus450
herodotus450

Do you have to paya fee somewhere along to way to convert between currencies?

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

Yeah, I figured there would be a conversion fee you’d have to pay prior to booking your flight?

Sharkbait

I could be wrong, but I believe if whatever card you use has no fee international transactions, it counts as one of those, and no conversion necessary

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, cool, we have one of those cards. Thanks!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Last time I did anything international all of my cards had a conversion fee and some had international transaction fees on top of that. The biggest scam is that some card issuers don’t have their full terms of service available online, and you have to request a paper copy in the mail to actually find out how they’re gonna fuck you.

Game Time Decision

Death by a thousand (paper) cuts

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

I’ve been using tinder and all those other stupid apps for the past 6 months, and lemme tell ya. I’ve gotten matches like Gregg Williams has gotten head coaching offers.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Oh, you’ve got matches? Hook me up.”

– Josh Gordon, tossing aside an empty lighter

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve got a match for you. My face and your ass.

No wait….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And that was the LAST time I drank too much at a Lions tailgate…
comment image

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

Hmu bby 😉

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I want to get on Raya just to be shot down by celebrities.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sweet, I’m mostly there, I just have to get the “confident about” part down.

Gratliff

The boy sincerely compared his chores to slavery today. If he’s old enough for hyperbole, he’s old enough for roofing imo. He’ll be getting paid in feet not up his ass.

WCS

Your avatar is pleased with your parenting.

Gratliff

comment image

Redshirt

If you have a shed, I’d consider making it “Servant’s Quarters” and say it is his idea.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nah, call it a dorm.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Roofing is pretty dangerous and carries a risk of lifelong injury, so I’d say instead of slavery it’s more like “college athletics”. Instead of paying him in feet not up his ass, you can pay him with “an education”.

Gratliff

Oh, I’m gonna smarten him up what good

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

“Will work for feet up my ass.”
-Rex Ryan

Sharkbait

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking Rex, we gotta send him and Robert Kraft on vacation together or something.

WCS

Gronk’s available, too.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

♫ The Rape Boat ♫

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RIKKI: I’m finished with the monthly budgeting. X is what we can afford to spend per month. If we’re under X, we’re fine.

DR MRS DEADLY, ESQUIRE: How’d we do?

RIKKI: Pretty good! We were Y under in January, and even though we went on vacation in February, we were still more than Z under.

DMD,E: We’re doomed!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Redshirt

I did my budget and found I have $500-$1000 a month I can throw into my Savings Account for a new car or a down payment of a house.

My brother did his budget and found $50 a month he can save for the SpongeBob musical.

My parents were both proud and ashamed at the same time.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I envy doomed. That’s how fucked I am.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Fuck reality.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I want one of those.
No, I meant the slip n slide.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That’s cool. I’ll take the birds.

herodotus450
herodotus450

West coast sprotting events should at least be forced to start at 7 local time, not 730. It’s not like you limp-wristed-Westies are even paying attention to sports out there, c’mon!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Bob’s Burgers time!

ballsofsteelandfury

A Fridge Too Far – Used Appliances

+

Chester The De-Pester

WCS

ALERT ALERT ALERT BARRY RETURNS SUNDAY THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I think yesterday someone here mentioned that Ted Cruz and Gronk look a lot alike. Now I can’t unsee the resemblance. Uncanny.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“The Mueller Report’s greatest trick was convincing the world it didn’t exist.”

“And like that … It’s gone.”

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Gronkowski may be a big dummy, but he’s probably smart enough to figure out that he’s overdue to get cut or traded by Belichick.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Air dry.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wow.

That defies the laws of physics.

In a sexy way.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I like her.
That is all.

Game Time Decision

Watching Dodgeball and when on commercial one of the Bourne movies. A bold strategy, I know but that’s all that’s on

litre_cola

I too am watching the Bourne movie while internetting.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

Does Gronk end up on next season of temptation island?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Feel like they should call that “98% chance of HPV”

ballsofsteelandfury

YES!!!

Redshirt

Rob Gronkowski and the Search for Sex Island

blaxabbath

I’ve watched like eight episodes of the umbrella academy and I don’t know anything.

litre_cola

Can you repair umbrellas at least?

LemonJello
LemonJello

At this point, we’d be lucky if he can operate an umbrella.

Horatio Cornblower

Son: Would you think it was gay if I went to a taping of ‘The Bachelorette’?

Horation: (revising will) No. Gay people are cool.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh! Is “Horation” your superhero alter ego?

Horatio Cornblower

Goddammit, now I can’t fix it.

herodotus450
herodotus450

It’s like narration, but from Horatio.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– tWBS, after being told that Bobby Hurley left explicit instructions to NOT sterilize his dog

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hee hee

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Horation” could be a new reality series wherein famous speeches are given by, obviously, whores.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’d watch that, provided that they provided an onscreen sign language interpreter. You know, for the hearing-impaired. I feel very strongly about ADA compliance.”

– Robert “The Handyman” Kraft

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

LemonJello
LemonJello

Dailies from the upcoming Melania biopic look promising.

Sharkbait

Mrs Sharkbait had the first ultrasound. Thank fuck it’s not twins

Horatio Cornblower

The “fist” ultrasound? Look, I don’t judge, but keep your fetishes to yourself, perv.

Sharkbait

Damnit.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s OK, I was immediately hoist by my own petard.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

comment image

blaxabbath

Triplets

blaxabbath

Octobait?

Sharkbait

Single occupancy only! I’m barely coming to grips with one, let alone multiples at the same time

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It hadn’t occurred to me that I might not be a real person, but instead a minor character in a book, until I heard that in 2008 Cintra Wilson wrote a book called “Caligula for President: Better American Living Through Tyranny” and now I understand that I am actually living in it.

Don T

As a proponent of Enlightened Tyranny for decades, I mumble to myself *Buncha hipsters *

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Redshirt

Plausible. I’m convinced I’m a background character in life.

Ian Scott McCormick

Username checks out

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

OBUMMER WAS THE REAL TYRANT!!1!

Horatio Cornblower

My wife is about to perform minor foot surgery on me to get a splinter out of said foot.

If I die of a massive infection and/or blood loss in the next few minutes, know that I was more than indifferent to you all.

rockingdog
rockingdog

yea surgery!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Senor Weaselo

Those godless killing machines!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hahahaha more like Draft QUEENS amirite?”

– UC Irvine Basketball Coach Russell Turner

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[hands Horatio a jug with “XXX” on it]

Anesthetize thyself.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun story! That line is a reference to the old “Winter Steele” puppet thing that was on MTV’s Liquid Television. I wanted to post an image from the show of Winter being handed a bottle of XXX liquor, so I looked up “Winter Steele XXX” on Google. The next thing I looked up on Google was “how to clear search history”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

litre_cola

Do you have clean underwear and your Whalers jersey on? If you go, you have to look good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Don T

Aggressively indifferent?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are we okay with referring to Robert Kraft as “the Handyman” from now on?

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am hoping that tonight will be the first night I get a good night’s sleep in like two weeks.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Narrator: “It wasn’t.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Redshirt

Kraft is so old, it wouldn’t surprise me if his Happy Ending actually looked like that GIF.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Amateur.”
-R. Grossman
Sex Cannon Industries, Ltd

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

herodotus450
herodotus450

Gronk as the one male player in the Lingerie Football League would be perfect.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Senor Weaselo

I THREW IT ON THE GROUND!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s a shame she’s gotten super-skinny. She’s still balls-hot, though.

h

ttp://pixhost.to/show/290/100705974_charlotte2_0.jpg

LemonJello
LemonJello

So, should I sell or buy more shares in Antibiotic companies with this Gronk retirement news?

That’s like 16-20 weeks that he’ll be cruising for, and therefore, crushing, more beers and puss than previous years.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Redshirt

And now, because there’s only three days left until Reds open, save and ruin Spring in one afternoon, another installment of “Redshirt’s Adventure at Work”!

Redshirt: “Did you fill out the form?”
Coworker: “I don’t think I should do this. I think you should because you asked me.”
Redshirt: “But you’ve always done it for two years. That’s how you were trained.”
Coworker: “I think you should do it. What does our Procedures say?”
Redshirt: “But this is controlled by your department. Why are you questioning it now just because you suddenly don’t want to do it?”
Coworker: “Just check what it says.”

(five minutes later)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

So long as you’re anti-abortion and pro-capitalism, you could go to law school and the Federalist Society would make you a federal judge within 15 years.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

rockingdog
rockingdog

1970s Sesame Street: One of these kids is doing something different, one of these kids is doing their own thing

2020s Sesame Street: Look there’s only one skill that can be monetized, Brayden, drip or drown kid

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

’80s movie villain-looking motherfucker

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

Just overheard a guy say, “I used to spill water a lot,” but then he didn’t follow up, and it’s like, WELL?! What’s your secret?! How did you stop spilling water?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

There’s a Mitch Hedberg joke like that. The punchline equivalent would be “I still spill water a lot, but I used to, too.”

ballsofsteelandfury

Those Robert Kraft jokes…
comment image?itemid=7851132

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Nazi ties, you say?”
comment image

King Hippo

as terrible as I am, I remain just not quite terrible enough to write for Dedspin. Y’all stuck with my periodic ramblings.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Especially after the uuuuge contract they offered you.

King Hippo

I didn’t even ask HOW MANY imaginary dollars they’d offer smh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Wakezilla

Got damn, that BeerguyRick, I call Adrian Peterson because he didn’t miss a beat when switching topics of suicide and sex slaves after time off

Fantastic hustle!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Heh, seems like just yesterday when I drafted Dan Gronkowski in the last round of my fantasy football league, then a week later dropped him for rookie Rob who would have carried me to the title if the whole concept of fantasy football wasn’t so stupid and arbitrary.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Big dumb sex idiot

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aw, just yesterday I got text from the guy (Rodger) who came up with that!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ah, staff writer, the most glorious of all the blogging positions

blaxabbath

You can get paid in exposure!

litre_cola

I expose myself for free.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“No thanks, getting exposed to something is why my last job didn’t work out.” – Lawrence Tynes

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

comment image