I just want to thank everyone who covered for me this weekend. Thanks for the brief vacation from the #content mines.
NFL News:
- Disgusted at what his owner had become, Rob Gronkowski retired from the New England Patriots on Sunday.
- Gronk,
seen right imitating his team owner’s last trip to Florida, has been weighing retirement since the end of the 2017 season.
- Acquiring a shocker of rings, however, may have tipped the balance in favour of walking away while he can still remember whose round it is.
- The Patriots are now tapped with finding a suitable replacement, since their only other viable alternative left them hanging about three years ago.
- But there is a caveat:
- Gronk,
Drew Rosenhaus on @GetUpESPN on Rob Gronkowski’s future: “If the team was struggling or they needed him at some point next year, and let’s just say hypothetically Tom Brady gave him a call and said ‘Rob, I need you.’ I wouldn’t be shocked if he came back to play a few games.”
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) March 25, 2019
- Given how the new kickoff rules have essentially eliminated the onside kick, the Broncos proposed an alternative to the Competition Committee.
- It would allow, in the 4th quarter only & after a score, for the kicking team to attempt a 4th & 15 from their own 35. If they succeed, they would keep the ball and proceed from there.
- The only opponent in the Committee was apparently John Mara of the Giants, who proclaimed, “What are we, the Arena Football League?”
- The Competition Committee also is proposing to increase the number of ejectable offences.
- As stated in their proposal, the Committee wants to “amend Rule 15, Section 1, Article 5 to allow League personnel to disqualify for both flagrant football and non-football acts.”
- The theory is that it moves the League closer to shadowing the NCAA’s “targeting” rule.
- As stated in their proposal, the Committee wants to “amend Rule 15, Section 1, Article 5 to allow League personnel to disqualify for both flagrant football and non-football acts.”
Finally, to kick off the league’s 100th season, they have decided that the Bears & Packers will start the 2019 season on Thursday, September 5th.
It’ll be in Chicago, and the 199th game in the historic rivalry. The Packers hold a 97-95-6 edge in the series, which includes two playoff games (1-1).
PFT drunkenly surmises that one reason for the change – The Pats will open on Sunday night – is because of all the Robert Kraft nonsense. The NFL is trying to keep the focus on the game, and hiding Robert Kraft behind a weekend of opening day games will minimize the spotlight.
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Bruins at Bolts – 7:30PM | Sportsnet1
- Predators at Wild – 8:00PM | NBCSN
- Red Wings at Sharks – 10:30PM | Sportsnet1
- NBA:
- 76ers at Magic – 7:00PM | NBATV
- Thunder at Grizzlies – 8:00PM | TSN
- Brooklyn at Portland – 10:00PM | NBATV
- NCAA:
- Men’s:
- NIT Basketball Tournament:
- Norfolk State at Colorado – 9:00PM | ESPN2
- NIT Basketball Tournament:
- Women’s:
- Women’s Tournament: Second Round
- 7:00PM | ESPN
- 9:00PM | ESPN
- Women’s Tournament: Second Round
- Men’s:
- WWE:
- Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
Also, if you are looking for a career change, Big Daddy Drew tweeted out Deadspin’s advertisement for a new staff writer. It seems anyone can apply, given the broad nature of their recruitment:
This is a full-time staff position (open to remote candidates).
BACK IN THE SADDLE!
If they raise the number of ejectable offenses, I better start seeing highlight clips of Tawwmy being fucking murdered on the field.
“Not Deadspin Material” my memoirs as I detail how I completely failed at writing.
ELO calls/called themselves an orchestra. And granted, they had some nice strings. But I’ve yet to hear any brass or woodwinds. I think they’re full of shit. Fuck you Jeff Lynne.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxz1DuVaRr8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNjrBUzXDJk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_g19fCJotPc
Hey guys.
(looks down, kicks at a pebble)
I guess one win is better than no wins.
(kicks at another pebble)
WIsh I felt better.
(notices beer in hand)
HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN BOYZ???
That selfish motherfucker died on my birthday. HOG THE FUCKING SPOTLIGHT ASSHOLE.
Good point. Fucker ruined my beach trip.
At least you got that far. WVU is playing in the CBI, and…
“Lost by 19, at home, to Coastal Carolina.”
I’ll swap with you, if you’re interested.
Sorry, I want to make a joke about UCI’s Coach Turner being a homophobic asshole, but I can’t think of anything subtle.
Day 6 of being sick is no better than days 1-5
You have my sympathies, but if my Mistborn knowledge is correct? If you’re not dead after the 7th day then you’ll have allomantic powers.
And now you’re making me Google things? What a Dick.
“What a Dick.”
– Not Jenn Sterger
Pro Tip, When booking flights on an international carrier, book in different currency than USD.
And pay 100,000 Lira for my flight? Noooooo thank you.
Why?
Cheaper. Looking at flights to the UK. Norwegian flies direct to the UK for $100 cheaper if you book in NOK currency vs. USD
Do you have to paya fee somewhere along to way to convert between currencies?
Yeah, I figured there would be a conversion fee you’d have to pay prior to booking your flight?
I could be wrong, but I believe if whatever card you use has no fee international transactions, it counts as one of those, and no conversion necessary
Oh, cool, we have one of those cards. Thanks!
Last time I did anything international all of my cards had a conversion fee and some had international transaction fees on top of that. The biggest scam is that some card issuers don’t have their full terms of service available online, and you have to request a paper copy in the mail to actually find out how they’re gonna fuck you.
Death by a thousand (paper) cuts
I’ve been using tinder and all those other stupid apps for the past 6 months, and lemme tell ya. I’ve gotten matches like Gregg Williams has gotten head coaching offers.
“Oh, you’ve got matches? Hook me up.”
– Josh Gordon, tossing aside an empty lighter
I’ve got a match for you. My face and your ass.
No wait….
And that was the LAST time I drank too much at a Lions tailgate…
Hmu bby ?
I want to get on Raya just to be shot down by celebrities.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEWhplQjA5M
Sweet, I’m mostly there, I just have to get the “confident about” part down.
The boy sincerely compared his chores to slavery today. If he’s old enough for hyperbole, he’s old enough for roofing imo. He’ll be getting paid in feet not up his ass.
Your avatar is pleased with your parenting.
If you have a shed, I’d consider making it “Servant’s Quarters” and say it is his idea.
Nah, call it a dorm.
Roofing is pretty dangerous and carries a risk of lifelong injury, so I’d say instead of slavery it’s more like “college athletics”. Instead of paying him in feet not up his ass, you can pay him with “an education”.
Oh, I’m gonna smarten him up what good
“Will work for feet up my ass.”
-Rex Ryan
Speaking Rex, we gotta send him and Robert Kraft on vacation together or something.
Gronk’s available, too.
♫ The Rape Boat ♫
RIKKI: I’m finished with the monthly budgeting. X is what we can afford to spend per month. If we’re under X, we’re fine.
DR MRS DEADLY, ESQUIRE: How’d we do?
RIKKI: Pretty good! We were Y under in January, and even though we went on vacation in February, we were still more than Z under.
DMD,E: We’re doomed!
http://2damnfunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Bill-Clinton-Meme-Taking-An-Educational-Class-With-Daria-Herman.gif
I did my budget and found I have $500-$1000 a month I can throw into my Savings Account for a new car or a down payment of a house.
My brother did his budget and found $50 a month he can save for the SpongeBob musical.
My parents were both proud and ashamed at the same time.
I envy doomed. That’s how fucked I am.
Fuck reality.
I want one of those.
No, I meant the slip n slide.
That’s cool. I’ll take the birds.
West coast sprotting events should at least be forced to start at 7 local time, not 730. It’s not like you limp-wristed-Westies are even paying attention to sports out there, c’mon!
http://ramthesunlover.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Chess-dancer-next-move.gif
Bob’s Burgers time!
A Fridge Too Far – Used Appliances
+
Chester The De-Pester
ALERT ALERT ALERT BARRY RETURNS SUNDAY THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think yesterday someone here mentioned that Ted Cruz and Gronk look a lot alike. Now I can’t unsee the resemblance. Uncanny.
“The Mueller Report’s greatest trick was convincing the world it didn’t exist.”
“And like that … It’s gone.”
Gronkowski may be a big dummy, but he’s probably smart enough to figure out that he’s overdue to get cut or traded by Belichick.
Air dry.
Wow.
That defies the laws of physics.
In a sexy way.
I like her.
That is all.
Watching Dodgeball and when on commercial one of the Bourne movies. A bold strategy, I know but that’s all that’s on
I too am watching the Bourne movie while internetting.
Does Gronk end up on next season of temptation island?
Feel like they should call that “98% chance of HPV”
YES!!!
Rob Gronkowski and the Search for Sex Island
I’ve watched like eight episodes of the umbrella academy and I don’t know anything.
Can you repair umbrellas at least?
At this point, we’d be lucky if he can operate an umbrella.
Son: Would you think it was gay if I went to a taping of ‘The Bachelorette’?
Horation: (revising will) No. Gay people are cool.
Ooh! Is “Horation” your superhero alter ego?
Goddammit, now I can’t fix it.
It’s like narration, but from Horatio.
– tWBS, after being told that Bobby Hurley left explicit instructions to NOT sterilize his dog
Hee hee
“Horation” could be a new reality series wherein famous speeches are given by, obviously, whores.
“I’d watch that, provided that they provided an onscreen sign language interpreter. You know, for the hearing-impaired. I feel very strongly about ADA compliance.”
– Robert “The Handyman” Kraft
Dailies from the upcoming Melania biopic look promising.
Mrs Sharkbait had the first ultrasound. Thank fuck it’s not twins
The “fist” ultrasound? Look, I don’t judge, but keep your fetishes to yourself, perv.
Damnit.
That’s OK, I was immediately hoist by my own petard.
Triplets
Octobait?
Single occupancy only! I’m barely coming to grips with one, let alone multiples at the same time
It hadn’t occurred to me that I might not be a real person, but instead a minor character in a book, until I heard that in 2008 Cintra Wilson wrote a book called “Caligula for President: Better American Living Through Tyranny” and now I understand that I am actually living in it.
As a proponent of Enlightened Tyranny for decades, I mumble to myself *Buncha hipsters *
Plausible. I’m convinced I’m a background character in life.
Username checks out
OBUMMER WAS THE REAL TYRANT!!1!
My wife is about to perform minor foot surgery on me to get a splinter out of said foot.
If I die of a massive infection and/or blood loss in the next few minutes, know that I was more than indifferent to you all.
yea surgery!!!!
Those godless killing machines!
“Hahahaha more like Draft QUEENS amirite?”
– UC Irvine Basketball Coach Russell Turner
[hands Horatio a jug with “XXX” on it]
Anesthetize thyself.
Fun story! That line is a reference to the old “Winter Steele” puppet thing that was on MTV’s Liquid Television. I wanted to post an image from the show of Winter being handed a bottle of XXX liquor, so I looked up “Winter Steele XXX” on Google. The next thing I looked up on Google was “how to clear search history”.
Do you have clean underwear and your Whalers jersey on? If you go, you have to look good.
Aggressively indifferent?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NcGVqdDRUI&feature=youtu.be
Are we okay with referring to Robert Kraft as “the Handyman” from now on?
I am hoping that tonight will be the first night I get a good night’s sleep in like two weeks.
Narrator: “It wasn’t.”
Kraft is so old, it wouldn’t surprise me if his Happy Ending actually looked like that GIF.
“Amateur.”
-R. Grossman
Sex Cannon Industries, Ltd
Gronk as the one male player in the Lingerie Football League would be perfect.
I THREW IT ON THE GROUND!
It’s a shame she’s gotten super-skinny. She’s still balls-hot, though.
h
ttp://pixhost.to/show/290/100705974_charlotte2_0.jpg
So, should I sell or buy more shares in Antibiotic companies with this Gronk retirement news?
That’s like 16-20 weeks that he’ll be cruising for, and therefore, crushing, more beers and puss than previous years.
And now, because there’s only three days left until Reds open, save and ruin Spring in one afternoon, another installment of “Redshirt’s Adventure at Work”!
Redshirt: “Did you fill out the form?”
Coworker: “I don’t think I should do this. I think you should because you asked me.”
Redshirt: “But you’ve always done it for two years. That’s how you were trained.”
Coworker: “I think you should do it. What does our Procedures say?”
Redshirt: “But this is controlled by your department. Why are you questioning it now just because you suddenly don’t want to do it?”
Coworker: “Just check what it says.”
(five minutes later)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5QGkOGZubQ
So long as you’re anti-abortion and pro-capitalism, you could go to law school and the Federalist Society would make you a federal judge within 15 years.
1970s Sesame Street: One of these kids is doing something different, one of these kids is doing their own thing
2020s Sesame Street: Look there’s only one skill that can be monetized, Brayden, drip or drown kid
’80s movie villain-looking motherfucker
found a funny:
Just overheard a guy say, “I used to spill water a lot,” but then he didn’t follow up, and it’s like, WELL?! What’s your secret?! How did you stop spilling water?!
There’s a Mitch Hedberg joke like that. The punchline equivalent would be “I still spill water a lot, but I used to, too.”
Those Robert Kraft jokes…
?itemid=7851132
https://ktla.com/2019/03/25/krispy-kreme-owners-admit-to-family-history-of-nazi-ties/
This is a pun factory.
“Nazi ties, you say?”
as terrible as I am, I remain just not quite terrible enough to write for Dedspin. Y’all stuck with my periodic ramblings.
Especially after the uuuuge contract they offered you.
I didn’t even ask HOW MANY imaginary dollars they’d offer smh
Got damn, that BeerguyRick, I call Adrian Peterson because he didn’t miss a beat when switching topics of suicide and sex slaves after time off
Fantastic hustle!
Heh, seems like just yesterday when I drafted Dan Gronkowski in the last round of my fantasy football league, then a week later dropped him for rookie Rob who would have carried me to the title if the whole concept of fantasy football wasn’t so stupid and arbitrary.
Big dumb sex idiot
Aw, just yesterday I got text from the guy (Rodger) who came up with that!
Ah, staff writer, the most glorious of all the blogging positions
You can get paid in exposure!
I expose myself for free.
“No thanks, getting exposed to something is why my last job didn’t work out.” – Lawrence Tynes