Mouth Flies Open: DFO Advice Mailbag Number 10

The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. While the NFL season is over until THE SHIELD cranks up the bullshit generator in a few months, we can still talk fantasy football questions as well as fantasy and reality outside of football.  If you have questions and/or need advice, email dfosubmissions@gmail.com. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

So how about all that basketball? The upsets, the equalizing nature of the three pointer, the casual racism of commentators and fans talking about the 19 year olds on the court, the back and forth, good times. I haven’t really been able to enjoy it all that much as I’m on day 5 or 6 of a nasty head/chest cold and/or sinus infection. The doctor thought it was the former but after bringing up chunks of phlegm from coughing fit during multiple weekdays, I decided I’d had enough and tucked into the antibiotics just in case. Which means that as of this writing I’m missing my plans with Lady BFC and her dad that were making me miss the DFO Atwater bar crawl. On the bright side, I slept for over 11 hours last night. On the other hand, I’ve only sporadically let basketball capture my attention, including Kentucky’s disappointing win over Wofford (if you’re 0 for 11, maybe let someone else hoist the desperation shot), and otherwise have been watching old episodes of Archer, Frasier, and the inside of my eyelids. But fret not, my low-grade fever-addled brain still has the capacity to judge and/or help!

Author’s Brain Pictured (Image from https://kernelmag.dailydot.com/issue-sections/headline-story/16371/diy-electrical-brain-stimulation-tdcs-promise-and-peril/)

To the inbox, which was not as wide open as Liberty’s shooters during their comeback against Mississippi State. Our first request for advice came in via an open thread in the asking for a friend while he’s standing right there category–

Dear DFO mailbag
My girlfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago and now she won’t talk to me to tell me why. Can you help? You’re my only hope.
“t”

Well, “t”, I’m so glad you finally asked for help rather than howling at the moon and directing your rage at the ex lady “t”. First and foremost, STOP FUCKING TEXTING. Actually, with the benefit of time and the hope that this has all calmed down, I’d like to address this question in the general rather than the specific.

Two big themes: 1) Closure and 2) “owing” people anything. To dispense with the suspense, both are bullshit. Any time a relationship ends, whether it’s after days or years, at least one person is going to get hurt. Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, the only thing you can really control after that is how you react next. Or, put more wisely and professional therapist-y, you cannot control other people’s behavior, only how you react to it. When it’s all over, your best bet is always to be grateful that it happened and move on. Anything you put into the relationship is a sunk cost. If it’s over, talking through it isn’t really going to teach you anything new, and nothing you put in is going to have the ROI you hoped since, you know, it didn’t end up working. You’re best off NOT trying to account for what you put in and what you got back. When it’s over, it’s over, and no one owes you anything, not an explanation, not money back for dates, not even your favorite t-shirt if you gave it to them as a gift.

If it was meant to be, it would be. If it isn’t, the best thing you can do is move on and live your life without pining, texting, demanding answers, or expecting recompense. So you put more into it than the other person? Who cares? They don’t owe you if you were giving more than 50% once you’re 0% of a couple.  And let’s say that against all better advice, you’re seeking to be a romantic recidivist. Playing it cool and not demanding answers (or anything else) is going to make you a hotter commodity than someone pressing for information/conversation when they’ve told you they don’t want to talk. Remember, people are irrational. So if they’re doing something stupid, too bad, that’s part of life, do your best to not let it bother you and learn from whatever happened. As you all know, I am not a Christian. But sometimes I think the Serenity Prayer is pretty damn applicable to all sorts of everyday situations:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

You can NOT change how someone else will respond to a breakup. So keep your cool, focus on self-improvement, and if someone is jerking you around, don’t get mad, just walk away. Hope “t” and the Cyrano de Bergerac who submitted the letter both feel like that’s helpful.

Our next letter came in to  dfosubmissions@gmail.com

Dearest mailbag: My question is a decidedly unfunny one. My cousin passed away a few months ago. She has two surviving older sisters and her father, my uncle, is still alive but suffering dementia. His dementia is bad enough that he requires extensive care and is therefore in a “home”. My two remaining cousins have NOT informed my uncle that his daughter, his YOUNGEST daughter died a couple of months back.

Would this be considered as “compassionate” to the father who may not be around long anyway or could it be considered as an unbelievably fucked up thing to do?

Signed
Confused in California

First of all, I’m so sorry. Alzheimer’s and dementia are mean motherfuckers, and the pain they inflict on families is downright cruel. Secondly, there is no right answer for your specific question. Often dementia ravages short term memory the hardest (and first), so there’s no guarantee he’ll remember the news, but that doesn’t mean he won’t feel pain when he’s told if he can process it. I tend to think he still deserves to know and let the chips fall, but I guess I can see their logic. The problem is that even though they’re all your family, it’s not your call. Someone is his guardian, and that person gets to make decisions for him, even if they’re maybe not the best. From the timeline here, sounds like this decision was already made, though who knows if they’re trying to keep everyone mum on it, which could also be not cool for other family members to grieve. Yeah, it’s fucked up, and if it were me I would tell him even if he wouldn’t remember. But if other DFOers have experience navigating these waters, add your insight below.

Let’s cheer ourselves up and round out this edition of the mailbag with back to back Slate sex submissions, first of the horny variety–

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a hetero woman in her early 30s. I started seeing a new guy after a bad breakup. I expected it to be a fling, but I’m starting to get real feelings for him. The best thing about this is also my problem: The sex is incredible. Specifically, he is incredible at sex. I very rarely come from oral sex with new guys but I did with him the first time, in minutes. He knows exactly how to touch me and where, he is very responsive to my body—he’s just really skilled. So much so that I almost feel shy having sex with him! I am pretty experienced and confident in my body, but when we have sex I feel lazy, like I’m doing less than he’s doing. (He comes from a Christian background and didn’t have sex until he was 25, and he also has a smaller than average endowment, so I think he accepted the card he was dealt and stepped up his game.) He’s a good guy and I like him a lot, but I feel a weird pressure to up my game with him because he’s so good, and that in turn makes me wary of sex sometimes. I wish I could take this as a challenge, but instead it’s making me feel inadequate, probably for no good reason. How do I get over this?

–Unicorn

Is it just me, or does this sound like a dude writing in with his fantasy of being too good in bed for his lady? Just me? Alright then.

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Aymangdaggumit, don’t never let anyone makeya feel inadequate, even if you should or even if yer not sleeping wit em, just sendin sum dirty pictures. Like I always sez, ain’t no critter too good for some sheepfucking, and that sheep won’t complain about yer dick afterward. Now go have some fun out there and enjoy that massive four or fiver!”

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Regardless of any factual basis or what Mr. Brittfar up there says, yeah, just enjoy yourself. If he’s happy and hot and bothered by getting you hot and bothered, that’s a win win right there. Don’t look a gift cock in the mouth, right?

And then last but definitely not least, some good dialogue about anal from Stoya and pal

Dear How to Do It,

In the past, I never really had anal sex, not because I was against it but because it seemed like something that took a lot of prep that I didn’t understand, and I was happy without it. Lately, I’ve taken it up in a concentrated way—I tend to be a little bit of a project manager when I try something new, sexually or otherwise—and I really like it. It’s been a revelation in a lot of ways. But what I hate is the prep work. Douching is, generally, a struggle: Often a long process that, by the time I’m done, makes me want to stick nothing up there at all. I’ve learned that towels are my friends, and most guys are very understanding about it, but I find myself wondering if anal sex is just frequently messy and I should accept that or if I could be doing something better. Tell me the secrets.

—Behind

 

Apparently these aren’t the most pleasant way to keep things clean

What ensues is a brilliant back and forth between two experienced receivers, and I highly recommend the full read. This quote is amazing, though:

Stoya: My philosophy has always been “You’re going to poop’s house, and you can’t really get mad if they’re home.”

In fact, I have nothing to add but would note that Stoya (link VERY NSFW) makes a compelling case for rolling with whatever comes out of your partner if you want to get back inside of them. In a way, it’s really sweet. Plus I knew balls would love this one.

Late add! After that last piece of writing, another (possibly unwitting) submission to the Mailbag appeared in an open thread

I have an honest question for the group…
I crossed paths with a very attractive young lady earlier tonight. I didn’t pursue it for two reasons…
1. I’m still trying to get over the girl formerly known as tWLS
2. She is in her 20s (I’m 52, btw) and the age thing didn’t work out well for me previously.
But she was obviously open to it. And also, really damned hot.

Am I being stupid? I’ll hang up and listen to your opinions.

Horatio and Ayo jumped in with immediate affirmations of idiocy, but I want to take it back to basics–if you and someone else are consenting adults with clear expectations and no explicit or implicit asymmetric power dynamic, you are free to pursue whatever works for you both. Howeva, I would note that you have proactively identified two red flags that are likely to be, if not full-on self-fulfilling prophesies, at least something akin to that making it unlikely you’ll enjoy yourself for more than a short time. My advice is to be grateful these young lasses are still attracted to you but figure out what you actually want and how to go about being the best partner you can be, whether that’s for one night with someone out of your league or for months/years with someone you want to open a restaurant with. Take the ego boost and go home to fight another night. Gotta get your shit together and not keep repeating past mistakes.

And that’s all she wrote this week for Mouth Flies Open, see you next time as the advice requests keep coming in!

Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email dfosubmissions@gmail.com with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Mouth Flies Open: DFO Advice Mailbag #11 – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] we last huddled around the internet machine to take and dispense advice, we spent a little bit of time talking […]

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, I only just got here to read this because yesterday sucked.

Apparently this “t” fellow has a lot of problems. Whoever the hell that is. Poor bastard.
Meh, he sounds like a dick anyway.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Don T

There’s a saying in Spanish: “A nail [the thing you hammer] takes out another nail”. It’s nonsense for carpentry, but it’s PROVEN* advice for breakups.

* Source: extensive testing by, uh, shallow / horny individuals.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“We have some questions about oral sex.”

-Alice B., Terri A., Veronica C., Vermont

Col. Duke LaCross

My first time cooking for the newly christened Duchess LaCross tonight. Smoked dry-rub spareribs and whipped sweet potatoes. My technique is generally pretty good, but I’m nervous as hell!

yeah right

You can do it! Trust your instincts, Duke!

litre_cola

So, continue to pay college recruits. Got it.

Col. Duke LaCross

That’s good!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait is that her real name or just…

[sunglasses]

…a code name?

[YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH]

/man I can’t wait for the CSI:Archer season

LemonJello
LemonJello

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SonOfSpam

Sure, Val Kilmer was at his best in Tombstone, but Top Secret is a damn close second.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Ian Scott McCormick

I hope the good people at Slate told Unicorn that she just needs to give it some energy. That’s pretty much all that’s required. Don’t play dead. The skilled sex having guy will probably just guide her to where she needs to be.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That, and find out if there’s anything he especially enjoys in terms of outfits, etc. That doesn’t require any particular skill or practice but still scores points.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

And she should move here from Canada, which is where she lives, but I’m so good, HE’S so good at sex she still visits whenever she can, but you guys don’t know her.

Ian Scott McCormick

Sorry about your penis

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

So they’ve sold 4,137,653?

ballsofsteelandfury

May I also suggest to Unicorn that she consider “stepping up her game” by offering up the 5 hole. If the guy is not as endowed as she claims, it won’t be a problem and she gets bonus points for originality.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The 5 Hole? Don’t you need stigmata for that?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, but a colostomy bag is pretty critical.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

TIGHT!

litre_cola

5 hole? Like Spam said she is clearly Canadian and playing sexhockey.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In the 80s it could be a deviated septum.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It helps to act like a trained professional; take night classes if you have to.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I hope these three GIFs answer most of the various questions.

ballsofsteelandfury

I love 80s cut bathing suits.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I never saw this movie. Do they fuck or what?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

-Mark T., parts unknown

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Awww, you get me! You really get me!

Btw, brilliant Najeh link.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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