What’s up, kids? It’s your friendly neighborhood Balls of Steel here filling in for BeerGuyRob, who has been called away on duty.
(Read: Taking care of business down at WineWife Country if you know what I mean and I think you do.)
Anyhoo, I just want to point out that Tiger Woods can DIAF. If I could, I would hire Carl Spackler to give him the Judge Smails treatment:
One cut hamstring is all it would take. Does anyone know any Waffle House waitresses that I can hire to take care of this?
Seriously, Tiger Woods is the all-time worst. He’s:
– an asshole
– a cheater
– got horrible taste in skanks
– as black as I am
– undeserving of all the praise he gets.
If you think for one minute that the white establishment that runs golf loves Tiger, you don’t know your institutionalized racism.
He’s the perfect Token
That Zoeller guy that made a comment about watermelon at the Masters wasn’t kidding. That’s what they really think of him.
Think English people and Indians at the start of the last century. I just read an article on the 100th anniversary of the massacre at Amritsar and read that the English didn’t think the Indians could govern themselves for 500 years!!
There are some choice paragraphs in there about how essentially the English thought the Indians were subhuman. It’s delightful reading for a Sunday…
Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah, FUCK TIGER WOODS.
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL: all Game 3s
- Lightning at Blue Jackets – 7:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet360
- Jets at Blues – 7:30PM | CNBC / CBC
- Sharks at Golden Knights – 10:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet1
- NBA:
- Pistons at Bucks – 7:00PM | TNT / Sportsnet1
- Jazz at Rockets – 9:30PM | TNT / TSN
- MLB:
- Mets at Braves – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN2
- MLS Soccer:
- Sporting KC vs. New York Red Bulls – 7:00PM | FS1
- Seattle vs. Toronto FC – 10:00PM | TSN2
New map title!
If Trump wanted to start a war with Iran. We’d do it now while everyone is busy with Game of Thrones.
Look to your sins DFO, for the night is dark and full of terror.
I hope Melisandre and her sweet rack appear.
That Chernobyl series is gonna be super fucked
I’ve just gotten seats behind the glass for Caps at ‘Canes tomorrow night.
It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
(one of my childhood friends is chairman of the board at PNC arena)
I wonder who’s likelier to speak: Michael Flynn or the Night King.
Two years coming for this day. Just about ready to shit my dick. HERE WE FUCKING GO FOLKS
Is there a way to change DFO to dark mode? This shit is interrupting my ice zombie dragon tunnel vision
Just put a sheet over your monitor and cut some holes in it–it can only end well.
I use a Chrome plugin called Dark Reader, and it’s seriously incredible. Changed my whole life.
Exists for Firefox too (I use the WaterFox offshoot). This is goddamn wonderful, thank you.
Goddamn it, I forgot how amazing the wall coming down looked. Full hyped
Damn, look at the wingspan of Drogon….Wait that’s Giannis.
Never heard of her.
wait.
She has pretty eyes. They’re very big.
It’s Game of Thrones for me, and nothing else.
Here. I’ll save you all the trouble.
I hope Frodo finally destroys the ring this season.
Prey for Frodo
see you on twitter after the premiere
Reds-Blues would be an hilarious cross-sprot matchup, and so would Blues-Jazz. WEIRD.
Columbus scores again to go up 2-0. I’m officially downgrading Tampa to Nampa; they don’t deserve to represent the Bay anymore.
Tampa living up to the President’s Trophy legacy (again, Canada doesn’t even have a fucking president, who do they think they are, anyway?) by getting out goalie’d and out physical’d by a supposedly inferior team.
Neither do we.
Icing should not be legal even when shorthanded.
There…it had to be said.
“But, icing on shortbread is my favorite!”
-A. Reid
The shorthanders would just ice it anyway to kill the penalty in very painful 6-second increments. Now, making icing a minor penalty…
Yeah, but a clock stoppage and then faceoff in the short zone is better than having to go all the way up the rink and bring the puck back.
But a faceoff gives the power players about a 50% chance to get possession, while going back to collect the puck is 100%. Also, why won’t someone think of the poor ref’s lungs after blowing all those whistles!
I think instead of watching, I’m only going to experience this season of Game of Thrones through enraged forum/BBS posts.
Great idea. Score more fucking goals than St. Louis tonight.
“Wait. You mean its not like golf?!” – Cincinnati Reds
Thanks for the assist my man.
An assist man.
THIS GAME I CALL IT A STRIPPER PAYING HER RENT BECAUSE IT IS ALL BUCKS.
Reds are out of players. They’re having to get a Starting Pitcher to get dressed to pitch run and possible play a position.
Lenin does not approve of this situation.
Shhhh! If anyone equate the words Reds with Communism, they’ll have to change their team name again.
http://www.espn.com/blog/sweetspot/post/_/id/56756/tbt-when-the-reds-became-redlegs
So if we start referring to Commies as [*Redacted] s then maybe Dan Snyder will get the message?
I don’t know because Communism is good in theory, but bad in practice.
That team name of Washington isn’t good in theory or in practice.
Some obviously uber-rich dickshit had $85k to bet on Tiger winning, and gets $1.2 million as a payout.
Is rage drinking a thing?
I don’t know of any other kind of drinking, except maybe shame and/or power.
Power drinking was awesome 15 years ago when I could handle the repercussions. Now a days 5 drinks in and I know the next day will be awful.
I miss being young and dumb.
I’m not sure about drinking, but I’m an expert at rage eating.
I also hate Tiger, but primarily due to the fact that my timeline is full of fucking golf of all things
Mine is all game of thrones.
If you’re referring to what your Facebook friends keep sharing, Republican Propaganda. I win.
Yasiel Puig did a good?!
I also despise Tiger. So you’re in good company. Unless I’m not considered that. Which I almost definitely am not.
Also, my upcoming birthday trip to Chicago is looking great! Angels-Cubs were snowed out today, but what’re the odds of that happening again this week?
The Kuch is not loose in Columbus tonight, suspended for one game.
Update: The Reds are back to normal despite flirting with averageness.
Also, I did not get struck by lightning and get superpowers based on the same. However, I am told I am lightning fast in the sack, so that’s something I guess.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7IakX-f_3w&ab_channel=AdultSwim
found a funny:
my vibrator really pavloved me into getting horny whenever I hear buzzing. working with old men who can’t figure out how to silence their phones got my coochie roaring during meetings
Tiger is wearing a red shirt-apparently he couldn’t say ‘neigh’ to all that Brony money…
(looks off camera) Judges ruling…
…we’ll accept it, even though he won and is documented with getting a lot more tail than I do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DI5NiekivQM
‘Two balls close to the hole’ takes Tiger all the way back to last night and that bathroom stall at Arby’s.
I have a huge bruise on my right forearm.
I do not know how I did it. But it hurts like a bitch.
Ice Bombers to go down 0-3 tonight. Book it.
padres battling arizona…are down 3-2 in the 6th inning
SHIT.
just gave up a 3 run HR. Not good for padres…
Given Tiger’s eventual win, the only thing I want in this world is to be able to erase the word ‘redemption’ from the vocabulary of every sports scribe out there.
Yes, yes, then they’ll be forced to use the term “comeback story” instead and we can all laugh at the double entendre.
Hats off to Tiger Woods. Dude is legit.
“sinkin’ putts & nailin’ sluts”
LOL…we should put that on a t-shirt.
Think of the sequel potential!: “Sinkin’ it in sluts, nailin’ butts”
You became Balls of Steel so gradually I didn’t even notice.
“Suckin’ on Ambien, just like a champion”
/test results come back for Tiger
Masters Official: “I’m sorry, Mr. Woods-the test came back positive.”
Tiger: “But the masking diuretic, er, umm… Really?”
Masters Official: “Yes. We have the most sophisticated equipment on the entire tour and we can say you definitely drank a blended scotch last Wednesday. Johnnie Walker Red, really? Failing to drink a single malt scotch is an automatic five stroke penalty. Good Day, sir!”
I am now proceeding into the Thunderstorm to cook hamburgers on the grill. If I don’t come back, thanks for the laughs and dick jokes. If I come back with lightning superpowers, I promise to use it mostly for good.
Hope you stuck to the toasted Wonderbread slices as per family custom instead of brioche buns. I can imagine their response.
Hell, Redshirt! Do we look like a bunch of Kansas City faggots? GOD, JESUS!
My family doesn’t deserve my Brioche Buns.
It’s very obvious to me that you’ve been working out recently…
I’ll be grilling today too.
I’ll tell you what next week, although I’ll be grilling in substantially different weather than yours.
Area man crosses into Balls’ lane and reviews underwear. Loses home to eminent domain.
–
This day of NHL playoffs I call it my time at the orgy because there’s a good chance of going down 0-3
I am being called a hater because I never thought there would be some sort of super syrum that would make a 40+ year old casual golfer with chronic back and knee problems look like an incredibly fit pro athlete in his 30s.
I’m sure Tiger is as clean as the $2 hooker that swears to you that she’s clean and gets tested on a regular basis and you should ignore those weird red dots down there because they’re just weird looking ingrown hair and totally not genital warts, who Tiger also recently just fucked.
Would you call a Canadian two dollar whore a Looker or a prostiloony?
I think that’s a double double
THIS!
I am not a Tiger Woods fan. Never have been. Hate the guy, always have. Even before his…well…ya know…
But I have to give him credit…he played his ass off this weekend.
Indeed he did.
Looking forward to nodding along absently this week while otherwise decent people attempt to convince me that Boot Edge Edge is the man we need in the white house
I also could give a fuck about this comeback narrative. Fuck Tiger.
-Note on back of several Waffle House receipts
(deletes Tiger Woods is awesome post)
Credit to Tiger; he actually got out there and WON it as opposed to having others crumble under the pressure (Molinari cracked, but plenty of other guys were breathing down his neck until the very end).
“Tiger doesn’t like it when you do anything to his neck other than breathing on it; he’s afraid Elin will notice any marks.”
– Mistress #27, circa 2009
Agreed. It’s a great comeback story and regardless of what you think of him golf is just plain BETTER when he’s in the hunt. The pressure it puts on the leaderboard is obvious and palpable. It was an amazing thing today.
Good for him.
Bullshit. I despise the “SPORT is better when TEAM/PLAYER is good” narrative.
Oh yeah? Name me ONE memorable baseball moment since Babe Ruth retired.
In all seriousness how much golf do you watch Balls? I watch every week. Every fucking week. Do you want to talk about the ratings for these events when Tiger is in the hunt.
Numbers don’t lie.
I don’t know what he’s on, but I sure want whatever Tiger is having to enhance his performance physically enough to win the Master’s.
Right? I CAN’T WAIT until we discover he’s been on something Tom Brady’s trainer gave him.
…or Robert Kraft’s therapist.
The correct term is “Sex Slave”