The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. While the NFL season is over until THE SHIELD cranks up the bullshit generator in a few months, we can still talk fantasy football questions as well as fantasy and reality outside of football.  If you have questions and/or need advice, email [email protected]. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

When we last huddled around the internet machine to take and dispense advice, we spent a little bit of time talking about the five hole, and since the Blackhawks didn’t make the playoffs, you know I’m not talking about hockey. And that topic yielded one of the best lines I’ve ever read in an advice column:

My philosophy has always been “You’re going to poop’s house, and you can’t really get mad if they’re home.”

Still perfect. And still apt on so many levels. You want the pleasure, you have to deal with the consequences. The opposite of Robert Kraft’s words to live by. And so speaking of pieces of shit (TWICE), we seamlessly transition to being a fucking Nazi. DonT sent this article my way, and sadly, it’s only gotten more relevant as time has gone by–

What should a parent do when their child becomes involved in the neo-Nazi movement?

Ok, so maybe this isn’t quite an advice letter, but hearing a former White Aryan Resistance recruiter address this question made it impossible to exclude from the column. It’s also a very Jesus-y sentiment to wrap your head around: if your kid is a Nazi, don’t turn him out, show him compassion.

Maybe. But maybe not.

We all have a job to do (even though it should have been mission accomplished in the 40s) and I’m of the opinion that job includes telling Nazis that unlike poop in the poop chute, this is not their house. So I’d be of the view that you show some compassion but also turn them out. No Nazis get free rent (or any quarter) under my roof. You can tell your kid “I love you, but you have changed in a way that is unacceptable. I know you’re still good deep down inside and I’ll support you if you want to get help to overcome the hate brainwashing that has poisoned you. Until then, get the fuck out.”

What sayeth you, DFOers? How would you respond if your kid, or sibling, or roommate became a Nazi?

Speaking of getting rid of members of your house, here’s a retelling of 101 Dalmatians where there’s only one Dalmatian and Cruella de Vil was terminal at the time the litter was born–

DEAR AMY: For the past 2½ years my son (now 9) has been asking for a dog. I’ve been saying no because while I like dogs, I prefer them in other people’s houses.

I didn’t want to take on the considerable expense and care for a dog.

Four months ago, I had a brain aneurysm. Thankfully, I am OK and recovering. However, during my recovery in the hospital I thought I was dying and that it would be a good idea for my son to have a dog to love and care for in the event that I did die.

I was coming off of anesthesia and on a lot of pain medication. I feel confident in saying that at the time, I was not in my right mind.

Unfortunately, my husband took me at my word and told our son I said yes … and then we got this dog. I was home recovering when that happened, so I still wasn’t quite able to put a stop to it. Now I’m saddled with a dog I don’t want.

I am irritated, annoyed, and resentful. I work from home about 60 percent of the time, and so it falls on me to walk her twice a day. My husband/son do it the rest of the time.

I’m not happy about this. I would like to responsibly re-home her, but I don’t know how to discuss this with my son. He loves this dog and I’m afraid that if I re-home her he will never forgive me.

I don’t want to damage my relationship with him but I am unhappy with this dog in my house. Can you help me with a suggestion on how to approach this — or how to cope?

Not-Woof

Woof indeed.

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

WOOF?! WHAT THE FUCK YOU TALKING ABOUT, WOOF? THAT DOG IS THE ONLY THING WORKING RIGHT. SOMETIMES, WHEN LIFE SEEMS LIKE IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, YOU HAVE TO RELEASE THE HOUNDS AND LET THEM KILL THAT HORSE. EITHER WAY, THAT DOG IS GOING TO LOVE YOU FOR LIFE. CAN’T SAY THAT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE, NOT YOUR GREY-DICKED QUARTERBACK, NOT YOUR GM, NOT YOUR PO. LOVE THAT DOG, FOOL!

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Yeah, even Joey Porter gets that while this sucks, you don’t take away a child’s dog (unless it’s close to eat the dog poverty time). Amy has some good suggestions on trying to use a doggy day care or a dog walker, but bottom line, don’t take away the kid’s dog. Someone else can step up and take care of it so you don’t have to, but don’t ship it off.  Oh, and don’t be shy about asking for somebody to step up and take care of YOU, too.  This is a tough time for you, not just for your son.  It sounds like you’re struggling with your emotional recovery as well as your physical recovery AND THAT’S NORMAL AND OK. Maybe you need to go to group or individual counseling. Maybe you need more resting time. But advocate for yourself. Just don’t take it out on the dog.

Let’s close out this week with a topic we can all deride—

Dear Urban Diplomat: Can I boycott my friend’s gender-reveal party? 

I want to celebrate her growing family, but I think these kinds of parties are stupid. Can I ditch her shindig without seeming like a bad friend?
—Elephant in the Womb, Liberty Village

ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. In fact, you can skip it and take a stand against the asinine U.S. Border Patrol’s mission to break the law in order to be mean to brown people. What’s the connection? Uh, this idiocy:

Let’s take a look at that headline again, shall we?

Border Patrol Agent’s Gender-Reveal Party Sparked Arizona Fire, Lawyer Says

Dear fucking Lord. Leaving aside the fraught politics of gender, this is a shitty excuse for a party. The best case scenario is you get to witness your friend be a complete dumbass and/or get injured during the reveal. Like a good polite Canadien, the column’s author says to suck it up and go. But I’m an Amurrican and I say FUCK THAT. It’s dumb and a waste of time AND you have to deal with other shitty people in addition to the stupidity of the event. So just politely decline, stay home, send a gift when the baby is born, and see if Hippo will share some of his good stuff.

That’s all for this week, thanks for reading, and get those submissions in so that we can make fun of people we know (on the internet) too!

Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email [email protected] with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!