Mouth Flies Open: DFO Advice Mailbag #11

The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. While the NFL season is over until THE SHIELD cranks up the bullshit generator in a few months, we can still talk fantasy football questions as well as fantasy and reality outside of football.  If you have questions and/or need advice, email [email protected]. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

When we last huddled around the internet machine to take and dispense advice, we spent a little bit of time talking about the five hole, and since the Blackhawks didn’t make the playoffs, you know I’m not talking about hockey. And that topic yielded one of the best lines I’ve ever read in an advice column:

My philosophy has always been “You’re going to poop’s house, and you can’t really get mad if they’re home.”

Still perfect. And still apt on so many levels. You want the pleasure, you have to deal with the consequences. The opposite of Robert Kraft’s words to live by. And so speaking of pieces of shit (TWICE), we seamlessly transition to being a fucking Nazi. DonT sent this article my way, and sadly, it’s only gotten more relevant as time has gone by–

What should a parent do when their child becomes involved in the neo-Nazi movement?

Ok, so maybe this isn’t quite an advice letter, but hearing a former White Aryan Resistance recruiter address this question made it impossible to exclude from the column. It’s also a very Jesus-y sentiment to wrap your head around: if your kid is a Nazi, don’t turn him out, show him compassion.

Maybe. But maybe not.

We all have a job to do (even though it should have been mission accomplished in the 40s) and I’m of the opinion that job includes telling Nazis that unlike poop in the poop chute, this is not their house. So I’d be of the view that you show some compassion but also turn them out. No Nazis get free rent (or any quarter) under my roof. You can tell your kid “I love you, but you have changed in a way that is unacceptable. I know you’re still good deep down inside and I’ll support you if you want to get help to overcome the hate brainwashing that has poisoned you. Until then, get the fuck out.”

What sayeth you, DFOers? How would you respond if your kid, or sibling, or roommate became a Nazi?

Speaking of getting rid of members of your house, here’s a retelling of 101 Dalmatians where there’s only one Dalmatian and Cruella de Vil was terminal at the time the litter was born–

DEAR AMY: For the past 2½ years my son (now 9) has been asking for a dog. I’ve been saying no because while I like dogs, I prefer them in other people’s houses.

I didn’t want to take on the considerable expense and care for a dog.

Four months ago, I had a brain aneurysm. Thankfully, I am OK and recovering. However, during my recovery in the hospital I thought I was dying and that it would be a good idea for my son to have a dog to love and care for in the event that I did die.

I was coming off of anesthesia and on a lot of pain medication. I feel confident in saying that at the time, I was not in my right mind.

Unfortunately, my husband took me at my word and told our son I said yes … and then we got this dog. I was home recovering when that happened, so I still wasn’t quite able to put a stop to it. Now I’m saddled with a dog I don’t want.

I am irritated, annoyed, and resentful. I work from home about 60 percent of the time, and so it falls on me to walk her twice a day. My husband/son do it the rest of the time.

I’m not happy about this. I would like to responsibly re-home her, but I don’t know how to discuss this with my son. He loves this dog and I’m afraid that if I re-home her he will never forgive me.

I don’t want to damage my relationship with him but I am unhappy with this dog in my house. Can you help me with a suggestion on how to approach this — or how to cope?

Not-Woof

Woof indeed.

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WOOF?! WHAT THE FUCK YOU TALKING ABOUT, WOOF? THAT DOG IS THE ONLY THING WORKING RIGHT. SOMETIMES, WHEN LIFE SEEMS LIKE IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, YOU HAVE TO RELEASE THE HOUNDS AND LET THEM KILL THAT HORSE. EITHER WAY, THAT DOG IS GOING TO LOVE YOU FOR LIFE. CAN’T SAY THAT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE, NOT YOUR GREY-DICKED QUARTERBACK, NOT YOUR GM, NOT YOUR PO. LOVE THAT DOG, FOOL!

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Yeah, even Joey Porter gets that while this sucks, you don’t take away a child’s dog (unless it’s close to eat the dog poverty time). Amy has some good suggestions on trying to use a doggy day care or a dog walker, but bottom line, don’t take away the kid’s dog. Someone else can step up and take care of it so you don’t have to, but don’t ship it off.  Oh, and don’t be shy about asking for somebody to step up and take care of YOU, too.  This is a tough time for you, not just for your son.  It sounds like you’re struggling with your emotional recovery as well as your physical recovery AND THAT’S NORMAL AND OK. Maybe you need to go to group or individual counseling. Maybe you need more resting time. But advocate for yourself. Just don’t take it out on the dog.

Let’s close out this week with a topic we can all deride

Dear Urban Diplomat: Can I boycott my friend’s gender-reveal party? 

I want to celebrate her growing family, but I think these kinds of parties are stupid. Can I ditch her shindig without seeming like a bad friend?
—Elephant in the Womb, Liberty Village

ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. In fact, you can skip it and take a stand against the asinine U.S. Border Patrol’s mission to break the law in order to be mean to brown people. What’s the connection? Uh, this idiocy:

 

Let’s take a look at that headline again, shall we?

Border Patrol Agent’s Gender-Reveal Party Sparked Arizona Fire, Lawyer Says

Dear fucking Lord. Leaving aside the fraught politics of gender, this is a shitty excuse for a party. The best case scenario is you get to witness your friend be a complete dumbass and/or get injured during the reveal. Like a good polite Canadien, the column’s author says to suck it up and go. But I’m an Amurrican and I say FUCK THAT. It’s dumb and a waste of time AND you have to deal with other shitty people in addition to the stupidity of the event. So just politely decline, stay home, send a gift when the baby is born, and see if Hippo will share some of his good stuff.

That’s all for this week, thanks for reading, and get those submissions in so that we can make fun of people we know (on the internet) too!

Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email [email protected] with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West, then to SoCal, then back to the mountain West, and then again back to our nation's capital. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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[…] sure this comment from Fronkenshteen in that last mailbag may have been more of a rhetorical question, but I’m […]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Kill the dog lady with a more powerful aneurysm.

Kill the fucking nazi.

Kill the people who are having a fucking gender reveal party.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, and you quit your fucking whining and take care of the dog, because it’s clearly the best form of life in your house, and you never, ever go to a gender-reveal party.

Horatio Cornblower

If one of my kids came back to the house as a Nazi I’d throw them right the fuck out.

Then I’d wonder how I failed so miserably as a parent and as a person for them to have chosen that route in the first place.

Then I’d probably open a beer and blame everything on the Jews, thus answering the question.

Gratliff

Part of me thinks that having family that spent time in concentration camps in Reichskommisariat Ukraine and having already explained that to the kid from an early age, it would be enough to deter it. Surely having that close a connection to the horror would be enough to realize what a fucking soulless bag of shit you’d have to be to be a Nazi.

[двері відкриваються]
comment image

or not

blaxabbath

Why black out faces? They’re posing proudly as Nazis. Fuck the entire white trash contingent.

Gratliff

Because whoever took the picture is likely sympathetic and doesn’t want to get them in trouble to the extent that you can get people in trouble in a country that desperately seems to want to rejoin the Third Reich

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So last night kind of whimsically I started looking on Stubhub for tickets to today’s Dodgers game. When I saw it was a day game, I decided that we were definitely going – despite some temptation to put it off and do it the next time there was a day game during the week.

Now that we’re back (had a nice time) I checked to see when the next day game during the week is. It’s not until August fucking 7th! Glad we went.

Unsurprised

Kill the Nazi’s parents. It’s their fault. They must pay.

Kill the dog.

Go to the fucking party, you square. I drove three hours round trip on super bowl Sunday just to hang out with someone I only see a couple times a year. I have friends who come visit my neighborhood and don’t have time to say hi to me. That couple is going to be invisible soon. So drink some beer, eat some cake, and mingle with one decent person and a backyard full of assholes like every other adult.

blaxabbath

Another successful round of Unsurprised hit board game Kill, Kill, Go.

Fronkenshteen

DEAR DFO. I THINK HEUNG MIN SON IS THE BEES FUCKING KNEES. BUT NOW I WANT KOREAN BBQ. AM I A CANNIBAL? SIGNED, AMERICA

Beerguyrob

She should hire a Russian guy to kill the dog. Maybe the son turns into John Wick, and that helps her out with some of her other problems.

Unsurprised

Hire the Nazi son to kill the dog then rat him out to the cops or John Wick.

Brick Meathook

The whole time I was reading the last submission I was thinking a gender-reveal party was when someone came out as a tranny or something. Only at the end did I realize it was about a baby.

Unsurprised

That’ll be a thing in five years.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Same here. I sure as shit wouldn’t be writing to an advice column about whether or not I was allowed to skip a glorified baby shower I didn’t want to go to.

Sharkbait

Fuck gender reveal parties. Mrs. Sharkbait and I aren’t knowing the gender before baby shark arrives, so there’s no need for that nonsense

nomonkeyfun

I know what baby shark will be…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HusokNYOPSY

blaxabbath
Horatio Cornblower

There’s only two genders anyway, so it’s not like it’s a huge mystery to begin with.

BC Dick

Force the child to sell his dog. He learns how to make money from pain and then to wall himself off from this pain and develop a nice emotional shell and you no longer have to clean up dog shit. Buy the nazi lots of ethnic porn. A stiff prick knows no colour/religion/French people. And gender reveals are even more emasculating than men at a baby shower. Let your friend suffer alone. He made his choice. World = fixed.

King Hippo

this big caucasian dick just GETS IT ,, imo godbless

nomonkeyfun

I can’t stand the present buying industrial complex that the gender reveal parties are the latest example of.

Someone is having a child, they get to have a baby shower. If you don’t invite the men to it, they get together to do something else.
You receive your baby presents then, not extra when the biological gender of the baby is revealed with some stupid gimmick.

This is like having a destination bachelor/bachelorette party, then a destination wedding. You aren’t that special.

Finally, if that lady takes the kids dog away, I hope she has another aneurysm. The kid would be better off not being raised by such a heartless person.

litre_cola

Gender reveal parties are stupid, and a “hey look at me” in this social media world. Fuck them, now if you don’t mind I have some clouds to yell at.

DO NOT TAKE THE KIDS DOG. My grandfather at 96 still remembered that he had a pug taken from him as a child by his father. That shit scars.

blaxabbath

I remember when that fire started. What really surprised me when I saw the video was that they were stupid enough to set up the explosion in a field of tall dry grass. You don’t fucking flick a cigarette in there, let alone host an explosion.

re: the party — you can always not go to a party. Why is this even a question? Just make plans (or say you made plans) elsewhere and then bow out. Unless the ask you 60 days early to be in the delivery room because you’re a delivery nurse (jeez our nurse was awesome), ain’t go no obligation to be nowhere.

Unsurprised

It’s almost as if border patrol and homeland security overall only hire the worst fucking people in the world who are too stupid to fuck over humanity in abstract ways like bankers and lawyers.

King Hippo

I can relate, I am also a “dogs are cool, just not in my house” person. They are nice, but pretty fucking nasty (and super high-maintenace, even sans brain ‘splosions).

Any of my kids go neo-Nazi, or neo-Nazi curious, they’re out the door and cut off completely. As in, I would even take them off my health insurance.

LemonJello

What about your cell phone plan?

Shit. Got. Real.

Game Time Decision

And change the WiFi password.

King Hippo

chuh chuh, dat HARDCORE

yeah right

There we go. I am not a dog person in any way, shape or form and this could never become an issue with me because even though I might be under anesthesia and possibly fucking dying there would be no WAY IN FUCKING HELL that I would agree to allow a dog in the house.

Solid take on the kids going Nazi thing. Solid.