It’s the annual Victoria Day weekend up here in the Great White North,
almost all of which has finally thawed out from what seemed to be an average winter that hung around a bit longer than expected.
Also expected – most of my fellow Canadians are on the road to somewhere today.
Me? Well, WineWife is away on a work trip, so my options for fun are both boundless & restricted. If I have too much fun, there’s hell to pay upon her return. Not enough fun makes the freedom seem like a wasted effort. The trick, as always, is to supplement the fun with pictures of her dogs having fun before, after or with. It shows “responsibility”, an essential trait that needs to be nourished in a 50 year-old man.
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- no game scheduled. God bless the Bruins for sweeping.
- NBA:
- Warriors at Trail Blazers – 9:00PM | ESPN / Sportsnet
- MLB:
- Royals at Angels – 10:00PM | FS1
- Horses:
- The Preakness – 5:00PM | NBC
- NCAA:
- College Baseball:
- TCU at Texas Tech – 7:30PM | ESPNU
- College Baseball:
- Fists:
- Showtime Championship Boxing:
- Wilder-Breazeale (heavyweights) – 9:00PM | Showtime / TSN2
- UFC Fight Night: Dos Anjos vs. Lee
- Prelims – 6:00PM | TSN5 / ESPN+
- Mains card – 8:00PM | TSN5 / ESPN+
- Showtime Championship Boxing:
- Fútbol:
- Liga MX: Tigres UANL vs. Monterrey – 7:30PM | UNI
- MLS: Sporting KC vs. Whitecaps FC – 8:30PM | TSN
- Australian Rules Football:
- Richmond vs. Hawthorn – 1:00AM | TSN2
Other TV:
- Saturday Night Live: Paul Rudd / DJ Khaled – 11:30PM | NBC / Global
- Season finale, so expect plenty of surprise guest appearances.
A solid lineup on the teevee. Enjoy yourselves – responsibly, my Canadian brethren!
Pre-game for GWS-Carlton, “one of the [GWS] board members smacked the players for their effort last week, so expect a response.”
Um, ok, is that response some players punching a board member in the dick?
Jesus, Richmond is playing scared. Not unlike the time I dated a woman who was marriage crazy in our early 20s, I regret putting the tip in.
Did I reverse jinx Richmond?!
I feel comfortable going to bed at the half. Holy fuck is Carlton terrible. And is GWS a lot better when they’re actually tackling.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=TswwON_Hs1M
I love that the robot guy on Doom Patrol is played by Brendan Frasier.
Just a reminder that April Bowlby is most famous for this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRT1Ai4SVPA
If you had DJ Khaled and Pitbull on the same track, would there be any verse or chorus?
/The answer is, of course, the world implodes.
Evening. I kind of want to stay up for the GWS game but am also already drunk and tired.
You are warmly welcomed.
Grab a pillow.
And a beer.
Don’t cost nothin.
Potential cost of my ability to wake up in the morning and go on a very long walk
Stay up and tell us all about your ball waxing!
Oh, I did more than the ball waxing, friend…
Asshole bleaching?
No bleaching. But I did the balls, butt, back, shoulders treatment. She warned me not to kick her through the window when she was waxing my asshole.
You are soooo L.A. now. Give that man a vegan burger.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXhJPey3i_A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZGIlxk96gI
That guy was freaking hilarious on Mr. Sunshine (which was underrated and erroneously canceled)
OK, so I’m supposed to go pick her up, and then we go to a sports bar which is open until 3am.
But I can’t stop fucking yawning.
I am so fucking old.
Good luck sir!
This is why blow was invented.
“That’s why performing the Brahms Concerto was invented.” -Senor because he is a NERD.
Remember your “red flag rule” from yesterday.
Hats off to Portland for their impressive feat of symmetry: 66 points in the first half, 33 points in the second!
66 – 6 + 3×3 = GRONK
Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.
yoooooo
warriors up by 11
If you get a chance to see the highlights, Deontay Wilder absolutely wrecked Breazeale in the first round.
Much like Breazeale, I’m just here for the right hook
A helluva right hook it was too.
It’s like watching a bully torment a weakling. “Don’t hit your own head with your shoulder. Why are you hitting your own head with your shoulder?”
Pretty short highlight. Damn.
These next two or three minutes will be the effective end of the Trailblazers’ season.
More like R.I.P. City imho.
late night funny:
*job interview*
Interviewer: Do you have a Twitter account?
Me: A what?
I: Twitter account.
M: Twipper?
I: …
M: Twiffer blablount?
Wilder cooled him in about fifty five seconds.
Showtime has lots of dead air to fill.
Not to one-up TWBS but I have a sexy hotel receptionist story of my own. I was in Tehachapi doing some measurements for the California High Speed Rail. The receptionist was very flirty and made a point of letting me know where she planned to getting a drink later when her shift was over. Then I went up to my room and went to sleep because I’m married.
So… how did those “measurements” turn out?
LOL
Dude! I’ve slept in Tehachapi!
Former mrs. right had a brother there. Firefighter for Kern County and an unbelievably wonderful human being.
Guess I’m saying I had sex in Tehachapi.
With her brother?
No man. With her sister!
Yes but did you see the Tehachapi Railroad Loop?
Is that when you sleep with your wife’s sister AND brother?
So very inebriated. My sleepibg spawn seems ro enjoy Robert Smith, perfect.
The Cure is certainly known for singing a good lullaby.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pP5wRXkrgQ
They are playing a live stream of the Disintegration album from the Sydney Opera house. Balls and I may do a livedisintegration at 4 am.
Warriors up by 1!!!!
ummmm Drayond green got a tripple double….
what a 3rd quarter!!!
Wilder’s entrance was… interesting.
I was wrong. Asian girl is not relieving her overnight. She also gets off at 11pm.
Hopefully, ttWBS gets off between midnight and 2am..
http://i.imgur.com/zC8i1UY.gif
Keep tugging chap, it’ll happen!
Tonight’s nightcap:
?w=700&h=732
Or whatever retail is….
$11.99 a 4-pack.
Because I care enough to do the research.
I’m currently drinking this, and soon you will be too:
https://www.mybeercollectibles.com/listing/monkish-brewing-walkman-flavor-2-cans/658543
Trout just hit a 473-foot dong. It was his 250th. He’s 27.
Gonna see if it’s too late to adopt him brb.
According to Mark Gubicza (Angels’ color guy), that was Trout’s 69th 1st inning homer.
NICE.
“Trout is both my husbands’s favorite player and his favorite flavor of Fancy Feast!” – Kristin Cavallari
He does have an advantage over other players in that he gets every October off.
Shut up even though you’re right asshole sorry
utttt ohhhhh Warriors down early….
wonder whats gonna happen….
They’ll come back and win by 20, like always.
Every time the charges against your frat bro get dropped because the lawyer his parents hired got the evidence suppressed, a Corona gets its lime.
Thankfully, the TKE parents have deep pockets.
thats a good funny
Can’t for until tWBS article “(Cock)Tail of the Week” (Sponsored by Natural Bohemian and Kikkoman Soy Sauce)
/attempts to shave balls really fast
OWWWWE GODDAMIT!!!!
Wax them, you animal. Plus you can use the aftermath as soup stock.
Positive isn’t just an attitude, it’s a test result too.
Easily one of my favorite roast sets:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtP6LQ9Rsj4
Dave Attell is incredible. My wife hates him. “Seems like he smells bad.”
That’s very likely to be true, but he’s still consistently hilarious.
You know the episode of Insomniac where he gets tossed around at a karate and jiujutsu dojo? I went there!
/I was a wee pup so not in that class
Oh shit. The girl taking over for her overnight just showed up. Hot Asian chick. This could end up interesting if I can manage to not fuck it up.
If you get crabs at least they’ll come in a tasty sauce
god DAMN, it’s always great when Buddy shows up
HAH!
Just tremendous work there.
Whatever, I know yesterday was ass day but I’ve never been one for convention.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKKONgfNONU
Eh, live version, and J-Lo is in the black turtleneck in the beginning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRn3_1oEdN8
found a funny:
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Oddly enough, the sandwich is made from Toucan eggs…..
Toucan Sam is a canibal? Who knew
goooo Dubs!!!
So yeah, I kinda just picked up the girl working the front desk at my hotel. Dinner and a movie when she gets off at 11.
Also, it’s raining like a sumbitch..
So she’s a squirter too?
I’ll let you know later. I hope.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UMrnQG3VTI
Nice!
Atta boy!
Three way with WCS?
Nah we had a nice time today. Really enjoyed meeting mrs Wcs also. But I have now moved further north.
I am going to get ahead of things here and insist that you cut off all contact with her immediately.
You magnificent bastard.
BANNER THIS! Please?
Either that or shut down the site. I think Rikki’s won this thing.
Hehehe…which one?
It can’t be both.
I mean, you could probably catch a film with a guy blowing a gorilla at 2am in Balmer…
(but that seems MOAR LIEK a 2nd or 3rd date)
Most people do have a ‘no gorilla until the third date’ rule, since Jane Goodall got killed.
I meen its just common cents
No; her getting off and going out with tWBS…….
But I see your point.
My hotel room has HBO and the places deliver. COME ON MAN!!!!
I said HER getting off; no worries for you, man.
Lol
Meanwhile, if I get one more Restraining Order, I’ll get a free set of steak knifes.
Michael Turner of the Nationals has played like 50 fucking games this season and has NO RBIs!
How is that even possible?
No baserunners on base ahead of him?
Well he just struck out with runners on 2nd and 3rd so…
With stats like that you’d think he plays for the Marlins!
Got a little over eager in the kitchen today cooking meals for today, tomorrow and next fucking week!
All this after a 5.5 mile walk this morning. Fuck that. I’m done for the day.
Where’s my damn beer?
Horatio’s place
Seriously. Stop by.
Jockey: “Don’t worry, boy. Just eliminate all distractions and focus on the race.”
Bodexpress: (nods understandingly)
https://www.cbssports.com/general/news/look-bodexpress-runs-entire-2019-preakness-stakes-without-a-jockey/
All is not well in that jockey town.
Loved his victory lap.
That was fantastic.
“I’m finally freeeeee!!!”
tonight is prom here, or in Mark Sanchez terms, set reminder to start putting money away for the abortion time
Hey! Only if it a needed abortion and not a wanted abortion!
(remembers Mark Sanchez as an NFL player)
Nevermind. This would be needed.
“There are no wanted or needed abortions!” -Alabama
Just like my old grand pappy used to say: if you don’t want a pram, wrap it up at prom
“A baby is a bore, remember the backdoor.”
There’s a lesser footy “analyst” named Mark Ogden who came out with a starting XI underperforming squad. Aside from having Pogba on the list, despite him leading every offensive category for United as a CM, this shit stain also has Gabriel Jesus on the list.
That’s the same Gabriel Jesus that has 20 goals on 21 starts. How is this mother fucker allowed to write stuff?
that is some straight-up nonsense, yo
/were all the players…ahem…uppity maybe?
TIME TO PAR-TAYYYY
I actually got away with putting “unknown, sticky liquid” on the sidewalk multiple times. Maybe because it was salty and smelled vaguely of asparagus instead of sweet and maple-ly.
When I think soul, I think a white, Canadian dude.
Riders up!
*sole
“South Korea?” is a better joke tho.
Me: “Long week. So stressed. Need something to make me happy.”
(DC Universe convinces actors, including April Bowlby and Diane Guerrero to do this scene)
NSFW: Profanity and Sexual Situations
h ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmiA2bbFlsY
Me: “Thank you. I needed that.
Diane Guerrero in thick prison granny panties is one of the finest parts of orange is the new black. I have no idea how to find that or put it on here but you know what I mean if you’ve seen that firmly mediocre program.
She’s easily the best actress in “Doom Patrol”. Most of them are good, but she’s literally acting for a dozen and she’s believable when she changes personalities.
One of the amusing things about doing a paper on South African lesser footy is looking at the nicknames of players. Like, there’s actually a player who was given the nickname of Hitler. Lol
Well a lot of NFL players have that nickname, too. Oh, you said HitLer.
say wut u will, but Herr Fuhrer was a gender-neutral exterminator ,, smgdh
“He is the Hitler of defensive tackles”
“St. Paulie Girl: the death camp of bottled beers”
“He’s marching through that defense like its the Rhineland!”