Just when you thought that you were safe from the resident DFOers that love soccer and that, after today’s Champions League Final, you wouldn’t have to hear about fútbol for a while, well….

This year is a special year as we get a new edition of the Copa América or, as King Hippo likes to call the tournament: The South American Euros.

As is tradition in Latin American countries, there are rules as to when the tournaments are held and where, but, like red lights, they are merely suggestions and are routinely ignored. The last tournament was held in the United States in 2016 and was the Copa América Centenario. The previous tournament was held in 2015 in Chile even though it was supposed to be held in Brazil because B comes after C in the alphabet.

The Copa has been held every 2 odd years except when it was held every 4 odd years and except going forward when there will be a Copa América 2020 and will then be held every four even years at the same time as the Euros until it changes again.

And this year, Japan and Qatar have been invited to round out the numbers because $ and reasons.

My guess on Qatar is that the South American countries know that the next World Cup will be in Qatar and they’re hoping to get a head start on their bribing game.

Confused?

Welcome to the crazy and wild world of South American fútbol.

The Copa América is more fun to watch than the World Cup and the European championship (the “Euro”) in the same way that the samba is more fun to watch and dance than a traditional Austrian waltz. There is a healthy and unhealthy mix of rivalry, hatred, passion, spectacle, and insanity involved.

There are less countries involved than in the other two tournaments, so the stakes are higher in each game. Also, these teams know each other VERY well. The ten countries battle each other for World Cup spots every four years and players from all of the countries play in each other’s leagues.

Think about brothers playing against brothers.

And, like in all good Latino families, they love and hate each other at the same time.

Let us go through the participating South American countries one by one, shall we?

Argentina – They like to think they’re better than everyone else. They like to think they’re European. They hid Nazis. Everyone hates them. Funny motherfuckers, though.

Bolivia – One of the poorest countries in the entire continent until Venezuela imploded. Home to the world’s most dangerous road, as seen on Top Gear. Its capital is the highest capital city in the world even though marijuana is illegal.

Brasil – The Land of The Ass. Has won the most World Cups. Host country. Only country where Portuguese is spoken.

Chile – Runs along the lower spine of the Andes yet has no tramp stamp. Is locked in an eternal squabble with Perú over the origin of the Pisco Sour. Original home of the famous Infieles television show.

Colombia – Perfected the Infieles television program, the cultivation of coffee and cocaine for profit, and ass-enhancing pants technology. Finally safe to visit!

Ecuador – Located on the equator, hence the name. Uses the same colors in its flag as Colombia and Venezuela, leading to confusion amongst gringos.

Paraguay – One of only two land-locked countries on the South American continent. Experienced the least integration with European colonists, so its population has the highest percentage of people with Native American heritage, most predominantly from the Guaraní peoples, which gives the team’s supporters their nickname.

Perú – Has a surprisingly and unexpectedly high percentage of people of Asian descent, particularly Japanese which I guess explains why they were invited? Home to surf champions and aficionados of guinea pig dinners.

Uruguay – Stuck in between Argentina and Brazil both geographically and culturally. Leans closer to Argentina in language and flag colors, but closer to Brazil in attitude. Except they have garra and will fight you to the death.

Venezuela – Used to be the land of beauty queens and awesome dance bands but is now mired in poverty, corruption, and international power politics struggles. The team has a kickass jersey colour, though.

Over the course of the next two weeks, various DFOers will provide a team preview for each team. Some of them may or may not say anything about soccer.

BTW, the tournament will be televised in Canada on TSN and in the United States in English on ESPN+ and in Spanish on Telemundo. The games will be played in the afternoons and evenings in North America, so it will be easy viewing for everyone.

On behalf of the soccer-loving DFO crowd, we look forward to seeing you in the comments with either your enthusiasm or disdain.

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