Your “Things Could Be Worse” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • Joe Theismann has things to say about [Redacteds] draft pick, QB Dwayne Haskins.
    • Mostly, that Jay Gruden should take the Patrick Mahomes route because of how tough Washington’s schedule is this year, given that they start on the road against Philadelphia, versus the Cowboys, then Bears, at the New York Giants, and home versus New England in the first five weeks .
      • “To put him out there early against those teams, it’s just a formula for disaster for the team, for Jay [Gruden], for the fans and everybody else,” Theismann said.
    • Given that Washington’s last QB ended up with a leg like his, Theismann might not be incorrect here, unlike his broadcast analysis.
  • Tyreek Hill is meeting with NFL investigators this week, in attempts to be eligible to play this coming season.
    • He is facing child abuse allegations, and has been barred from all Chiefs facilities until the conclusion of legal proceedings.
    • Florio implies that the NFL is investigating “multiple violations”, and is looking to cover itself because it suspended Jimmy Smith for making threats against his girlfriend, and Hill is on-record as having said to his girlfriend, “You need to be terrified of me too, bitch.”
  • In civil Crimebeat! news:
    • A federal judge has approved a settlement calling for the NFL’s Rams to pay up to $24 million to personal seat license holders in St. Louis.
      • This is money owed to St. Louis PSL holders when Stan Kroenke Mayflower’d the Rams back to LA.. Thousands of fans in St. Louis had purchased PSLs that were good for 30 seasons, which was the length of the lease at the domed stadium where the Rams played in St. Louis.
        • The Rams left after 21 seasons.
      • PSL holders will get 30 percent of the original purchase price, a refund for the nine unused years of the seat license fee, plus damages.
    • Tom Dundon, the Carolina Hurricanes owner to shut down the AAF, wants the $70 million he spent on the league back.
      • He filed a claim of “misrepresentation” in the bankruptcy case against the league.
        • Claiming the league knew it needed $120 million to survive, and lured him with the offer of $70 million.
        • Although, it’s claimed this claim could simply be to protect Dundon from other lawsuits against the failed league, by claiming he’s an aggrieved creditor as well.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Blue Jays at Yankees – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Rockies at Giants – 9:45PM | ESPN / TSN
  • College World Series:
    • Finals Game 2: Vanderbilt vs. Michigan – 7:00PM | ESPN
  • CONCACAF Gold Cup Soccer 2019:
    • Jamaica vs. Curacao – 8:00PM | FS1 / TSN3
    • Honduras vs. El Salvador – 10:30PM | FS1 / TSN3
      • The latest match between them to raise the spectre of the Football War.
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Thanks (again) to everyone who covered for me. I’ll be here pretty regularly until the end of July, when I head off on a little vacation. Until then, let’s count down the days to the start of training camp together, shall we?

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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[…] noted by Mr. Ayo in last night’s open thread, this is but the latest in what appears to be a clear pattern of […]

ALXMAC
BrettFavresColonoscopy

The line outside of the dispensary here is ridonk

King Hippo

El Salvador folding like a cheap suit. How very Gold Cup.

Mr. Ayo

These American Euros are turrible. No wonder the US is doing good.

King Hippo

yeah, any competition that Los Estados Unidos (hombres) can win is immediately suspect

Mr. Ayo

Are they going to be allowed back home? lol

Fronkenshteen

I need a rooting interest in Hondu v. The Salvador. Whom winning gets mighty Curaçao through to KO round?

Mr. Ayo

Hondu is your hope. And they’ve gone ahead and done something!

King Hippo

Hondu has to win EXACTLY 1-0 or by 2+ goals

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Is it Mama tWBS birthday today? Just got back from taking Mama Commander out for her 61st, which is today.

King Hippo

So…you’re Eskimo Brothers wrt maternal birthdays?

/sorry for the very disturbing phrasing

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

If we’re Eskimo Brothers, tWBS is on more watchlists than I thought.

King Hippo

I don’t think ANY of us want to see our NSA files

theeWeeBabySeamus

Meh, fuck ’em.
“Charged but never convicted”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup, she turned 78.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Dangerous Behinds
Dawson’s Crack
Deep Space
Done In Seconds
Double Blow

E3 the Extra Testicle

Easy Ride Her
Edward Penishands
Ejacula
Erectnophobia
Everybody Does Raymond

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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blaxabbath

Seriously, the Rays — THE RAYS — want two open air stadiums? So much so that they are negotiating this deal in direct violation of the agreement they have currently.

Seriously, why don’t these contracts just have huge financial penalties for all these little ‘no harm’ violations?

Sharkbait

That would be nice wouldn’t it?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rays of sunshine?

King Hippo

Most contract law won’t allow purely punitive clauses. That’s why the language lawyers try to draft talks about “both parties acknowledge the irreparable harm and difficult to prove specific damages,” etc.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Not properly using the machine.

2/10, would bang in a heartbeat

theeWeeBabySeamus

You butt out, she’s doing just fine.
LOL…butt.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I got one question to ass her.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Looks the same when I use that machine

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

More like Easy Get Off….AMIRITE?
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Prefer by 9 out of 10 porn MILFs!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Fucking giraffes, always screwing it up for everybody.

King Hippo

Das Raycess!! – Mike G., CFL tryout camp

theeWeeBabySeamus

lol

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Damn, that was a very nice takedown.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Sharkbait

LOVE that gif.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

“My Dog Is Jesus” is a good name for a punk rock band.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Reading back, I see I missed blasphemy night.
Dammit, that’s my bread and butter.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Somebody needs some manscaping.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If people can find jesus on toast why not on Dog?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Finally. House cleared out.

Where are you my last thc pill? SONOFABITCH!!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh, there it is.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Dad?

scotchnaut

I done. See ya tommora.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

You flying my plane in the morning?

scotchnaut

Cookie Cereal ties it up in extra time!!! What a strike!

King Hippo

can’t get enough of that Curacao
it’s got the munch with CRUNCH

scotchnaut

Hah!

King Hippo

WOW, what a goal!!

scotchnaut

Got an employee going balls to the wall trying to get a verbal warning (failure to write out proper paperwork) erased from his record. I have a text message from customer saying he didn’t fill out paperwork and she doesn’t have said paperwork and he can’t produce said paperwork. Good fucking Lord, what a waste of time.

Redshirt

If employee is a good employee, reassure them that a verbal is the equivalent of a slap on the wrist and will be expunged about two years.

If employee isn’t a good employee, tell them to either stop complaining or stop showing up.

King Hippo

next time, just actually slap him

ThurberHerder

oh, so that’s what they meant when they threatened the “five-fingered” warning

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Gotta keep your pimp hand strong….

King Hippo

damn skippy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that was good.

Brick Meathook

Here’s that video you all asked about:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40ywU_K9Yu4

scotchnaut

Reader’s Digest Version brought to you by Albert Hammond Jr.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwdvbREwwDc

Unsurprised

My grandfather was a railroad man. When I was like five or six a friend of his did a giant pencil drawing of basically the thumbnail for this video that was framed and everything, and ended up on his bedroom wall long after he died until I moved out of the house. Fuck. Maybe I should’ve kept it.

Unsurprised

It was easily 6’w x4’h

ThurberHerder

ASMR S&M

ThurberHerder

Unsure to tag this as braking train and/or breaking train

Redshirt
King Hippo

Wonder if the island nation-state of Curacao has one of them dodgy vet schools. I mean, the cheesy ads write themselves – Cure a sow in Curacao!!

ThurberHerder

Cure a sow? Sounds like the process of making bacon to me

Sharkbait

I go away for vacation on Friday. This week work-wise has been a joke.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

“Knock Knock” or “Meta”?

Redshirt

I’m currently on my vacation. I’ve been without my work, friends and family for three days. Its…its beautiful.

King Hippo

Glad my bet was just first half, Curacao hanging tough after conceding

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

Just think, anyone who shows us for this promotion isn’t there to negotiate.

Redshirt

(gunshot) “$17.5, asshole!”

(returns fire) “I told you my manager says we’re at our minimum at $18, you dick!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there anything that Jesus loved more than guns? Ammunition, probably, but that’s about it.

Sharkbait

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Redshirt

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King Hippo

hey, if Jesus don’t have a sense of humour, we’s all fucked and a half

Redshirt

What most Christians forget (along with half the Gospel) is that God indeed does have a sense of humor. We were made in His image. Its only matters in how that humor is used or is intended.

Brick Meathook

Why did Jesus flunk out of medical school?
He got nailed on his boards.

/rimshot

What did Jesus ask the desk clerk down at the Holiday Inn?
“Can you put me up for the night?”

/rimshot

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What did Jesus do when he found out the Romans were going to shut his ministry down?

He got hammered.

Redshirt

Okay, I think I’ve done yet another thing that will earn an awkward silence when my life is read out before I face my Final Judgment. That being said…

Whenever you kid complains that he’s always fixing problems you made, just say you’re following God’s example.

/rimshot

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ArmedandHammered

What’s the problem, after all he was a carpenter.

King Hippo

mudflaps and calling scrawny dudes “faggot” obvs

scotchnaut

Re: boneless wings

As far as my fave dishes are concerned, it’s right up there with cheeseless mozza stix, potatoless french fries, pastaless Mac and Cheese, vegetableless mirepoix and lettuceless Caesar Salad.

herodotus450

Pastaless Mac and Cheese was how Rob McElhenny lost all that weight after the fat season.
/Also Caesar Salad was every day in the baths.

King Hippo

I imagine the withering Dee-like stare of Kaitlin Olsen worked wonders

King Hippo

At most places, I will get bone-in. Not Zaxby’s, their bonesless are fan-fucking-tastic

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Someone called for me?

ThurberHerder

Ah, if you’re collecting disappointments you should head out and order tofu wings tonight

Horatio Cornblower

If you’re collecting disappointments I can see if my Mom kept my old prom pictures…

theeWeeBabySeamus

When family comes to your mother’s 78th birthday dinner, telling them at 8:00pm that “I’d really like you people to go home now” is not looked upon kindly. So I didn’t do it. But even Mom wanted me to. Well sort of.

herodotus450

Try “If you all don’t leave now, I’ll make sure there’s no 79th!” Or maybe workshop it a bit first.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Your GIF is putting me into a trance. Not complaining, just making conversion.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, that’s mere fapinstance.

ballsofsteelandfury

Jesus Christ!

Horatio Cornblower

I mean, maybe Mary Magdalene, but that’s definitely not JC.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She’s welcome to stay as long as she likes.

blaxabbath

So I guess we’re getting the locks changed. Damn it! Been here like five years and this bitch snatches my keys and I’m changing locks two weeks before leaving.

So ready to get out of this place.

scotchnaut

Biggest difference between Women’s World Cup and the Gold Cup?

The men’s bellybuttons only get me to half-mast.

King Hippo

Made pretty good moneys on the Dutch, now betting against Dutch colony Cure-a-Sow (after getting their upset in last round right, I figured Jamaica would come out and blast them th next match).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s OK, we are not here to judge your predilections.

Mr. Ayo

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King Hippo

holy cats, y’all

blaxabbath

What’s this list?

King Hippo

Bungles’ 1st round picks

blaxabbath

Damn Ross was a first?

King Hippo

9th overall, and I thought it a great pick at the time

scotchnaut

I drafted the fella as a sleeper because his 40 yard time was stupid.

blaxabbath

Jeez. I thought he we good in college but…. wow.

Redshirt

He was, but I think it was coaches. Brown wanted Ross. Lewis didn’t want him. Ross didn’t do him any favors by fumbling on his first touch. After that, he was all but Persona Non Grata.

blaxabbath

I never get picking a guy a coach doesn’t want.

Redshirt

See Klingler, David; Smith, Akili.

litre_cola

Akili played errr put on a jersey up here.

Horatio Cornblower

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King Hippo

On the one hand, I really need to stop eating solid food. I know it’s the only way I can lose weight, and also that my parenting stress means I am a walking heart attack.

On the other hand, a Zaxby’s just opened 5 minutes from my house.

scotchnaut

Lentil soup is working short-term wonders for me weight-loss wise.

King Hippo

how good must scotchy’s lentil soup be? You put amphetamines in it??

litre_cola

What is a Zaxby’s?

King Hippo

a predominantly Southern chain, makes the best fried chicken fingers and boneless wings one can imagine.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Jimmy Tango encourages you to RIIIDDE THE SNAAAAAKE

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Jimmy Tango sez: “RIIIIIIDE THE SNNNAAAAAKE”

Horatio Cornblower

I’m dealing with a flare-up of insomnia, (yes, thank you, I truly am the bravest person alive), which I usually deal with by reading a book until I fall asleep. But last light I started ‘Say Nothing’ about an IRA murder and now I’m like 100 pages in and didn’t go to bed until like 3.

I need to get a couple of economics textbooks up there.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Have you considered the Bible?

SonOfSpam

Works for me; I get partway through the Lot family incest, beat off, and get right to sleep.

Horatio Cornblower

Too sexy

ThurberHerder

try some congressional documents

Redshirt

Try Unisom or another sleep aid for a short term fix. Melatonin, will work to keep you asleep but it won’t put you asleep.

CAUTION: If you have mental issues, don’t take sleep aids. I’ve seen it cause panic attacks and depression in people. Somehow, I’m okay.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Audiobooks. You turn off the light, close your eyes and….gone.

Especially the audiobook edition of Operation Mincemeat by Ben McIntyre. Read by John Lee. It’s a really good book, but it’s so soothing that you fall asleep after 20 minutes. Almost guaranteed.