It’s TIME, biznitches! Pre-Preseason Football is upon us. It is time to anesthetize ourselves to our misgivings and celebrate the unifying factor that brought us all here- NFL FOOBAW!!!
WHEN AND WHERE TO WATCH: 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. God Fearing Time. NBC.
WHERE: Canton, Ohio, because it is the “Hall of Fame Game.” Nevermind that the Hall of Fame induction aren’t until Saturday. Seriously, how the shit do Kevin Mawae and Ty Fucking Law get to share the stage with Tony Gonzalez? On the upside, I can’t wait to see the look on Ed Reed’s face when they give him a brand-new wool jacket that he didn’t have to strip off the frozen corpse of Switchyard Joe.
WHO: Seriously? Do you really care?
Fine.
Atlanta takes on the Denver Not Elways. Frankly, I think that after Peyton’s Corpse was carried as a totem before the Ever Victorious Defense that won the Super Bowl, Elway vowed that never again would he allow a potential threat to his Greatest Bronco Quarterback title to set foot on the field.
Frankly, this game looks to be even more of a Keystone Cops farce than the usual first preseason game. Both teams look like they are resting their starters, so the world will be deprived of Joe Flacco playing under the bright lights of Nowhere, Ohio- instead we get Kevin Hogan with a side order of Drew Lock. Fortunately, I assume former defensive coordinator and High School Drivers’ Ed teacher Vic Fangio will be superaggressive in showing off new schemes and stunts on both sides of the ball.
Matt Ryan will be sitting in favor of Matt Schaub, with the second half being played by…um…”Kurt Benkert”? Seriously? That’s not like a Random Madden Draft Pick? The most intriguing part I see on Atlanta’s side is Judge Ito Smith trying to hold off a raft competitors vying to be Tevin Coleman’s replacement as Second Banana at running back. Uggh.
No one would actually bet on this shit, right? I mean, how degenerate would you have to be to-
Spread, total (as of Thursday morning): Broncos by 2.5, 34.5.
NM. King Hippo rolls hard tonight. I anticipate minute-by minute prop bets.
HAPPY FOOTBALL Y’ALL.
The NFL in their infinite wisdom:
https://twitter.com/sj39/status/1156984228078206977?s=19
Totally random!
well, u noe how they like their demon weed ,, smh
put in God Shammgod!!
Also, that Arby’s “Pecan Chicken Salad” looks like it’d give you HuntaAIDS
Pretty sure you didn’t need to include the specific dish. I’m guessing anything at Arby’s will give you some sort of disease
usually they can make damned near anything look edible on teevee, but it looked like a closeup view of dog vomit
One of those global work e-mails just went out looking for local bankruptcy counsel. In West By God Virginia. Shouldn’t that be pretty much the entire bar, other than the DUI specialists?
Will Affleck pull the Argos’ bacon out of Tehran or crash into flame?
In’shallah, it is written, eh?
Sup.
Hey
FIRST PLACE #BFIB!!!
How’s the MIL?
#BFIB get their first 1-hitter since 1988 (Joe Magrane).
#TheRightWay
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLifSFBs_Lk
The NFL isn’t run by smart people, but they’re smart enough to highlight their Hall of Fame induction with an actual game. Meanwhile MLB buries its induction ceremony on a weekend during a bunch of games so no one can watch while leaving days during the All-Star Break completely empty despite having zero competition.
they do have an uncanny nose FOAR moneys and self-promotion
Baseball isn’t run like a sport, but like a game, which it is. It’s not a sport.
Hey, they have hawt minor-league action! Or they did in 1998. (It was the Oneonta Yankees vs. the Erie Seawolves)
Argos pressing for the go ahead TD, but then Get the ball stripped and that’s prob the game
Bomber go 2 and out and don’t tAke much time off the clock. Argo ball
This is dicey.
Argos inside the 10 now with 17 seconds on the clock
Will they make it out of Tehran in time?
Let’s go Argos! Eat that W!
Tie game! Extra point on deck still
Those little rascals did it! All credit to Classified’s half time show, obviously.
Classified is still alive. Huh. Who knew?
Just realized that I took winter peg in the pool. Doh
Argos up by 1 now. 10 seconds on the clock. Que up kickoff return
I just can’t keep the eyes open any more. Tell the third-stringers that I wish them the best of luck in their future endeavors.
You can tell them yourself next week when they’re working at the nearest car wash.
So…I take it i’m not missing much by skipping this game then?
perhaps less than nothing, depending on your comfort with integers
Not sure about is quarterbacking skills, but Drew Lock will be essential in getting the Broncos from Cleveland to Buffalo on their team boat.
/Because the Erie Canal had locks, you see.
found a funny:
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Oh so it’s religious comments you want, eh?
This Atlanta backfield I call it Medina because they are preventing Muhammed from getting there.
/Or something like that.
Whoo. That was a scintillating 40 minutes of preseason football of which 38 was an OPI call. Back to the G1.
That’s not encouraging me to get back into football
as a Donks fan…I’ve watched maybe 30% of it.
I am watching CFL, upset brewing.
who is this homeless guy they put in the HoF?
Not-Pete Rose
“Me? God willing, I could use 3 meals and a cot.”
-Lenny Dykstra
/scotchy scribbles notes furiously
Oh, sure. They pick up black-ish and mixed-ish, but my white-ish TV show pitch to ABC gets Cease and Desist and Restraining Orders.
Disney is on pins and needles after the backlash to them casting a black woman as a mythical half-woman, half-fish creature.
I generally don’t do conspiracy theories but I’m actually convinced the online outrage over casting decisions is 100% manufactured for promotional purposes.
makes sense
I would agree, but then I remember that Nobama was born in Kenya.
Would that it were so simple
6-nil Redbirds!!!!
Not for the Redlegs. Still 1-3 Acceptable Racist Names
But Peralta is up so expect Atlanta to throw a touchdown on the board.
Think we would agree that when Chi**** loses, everyone wins
Drew Lock, a shit sammich with shit gravy.
“Go on…”
-2 Girls 1 Cup
Late, but last night’s Archer finale was GREAT
I have been in back to back calls/meetings for 5 hours. I’m fucking spent.
Good lord. Get this man a beer.
I’m fighting a cold and had several short pours at Monkish last night, so I really shouldn’t. I’ll take whisky instead.
Try some Hibernol.
Currently enjoying this week’s cocktail. It makes up for the monstrosity that was last week.
fucking Bastard Man Small Bears broke up Most Glorious No-Hitter
Thank God. Nothing angers me like getting no hit. I nearly flipped a table when Hamels no-hit them in 2015.
I’m actually a little relieved, in that it’s still just 2-nil and need to be aggressive using the pen
What do hard core NFL fans watching the first preseason game and the homeless have in common?
They both look forward to the second quarter.
[takes long shower]
because YOU CAN
After stringing me along for 6 months, I got the promotion. Fuck yeah. Bourbon? Oh yeah, bourbon.
Congrats!
Fuck yeah, man!
champ bailey more liek chump bailey amirite
4th string defense looks prettay…prettay…prettay good!
Touchdown, Mohammad. NO, NBC! DON’T SHOW HIS PICTURE!
BANNER!!
Holy fuck is this good.
I just ordered a gender-neutral pizza. What are you doing to advance the cause? Nothing? That’s what I thought.
You have truly transformed history into HERstory too
#QuietHeroes
You got it topped with Eggplant AND Georgia O’Keefe paintings?
MoooooooslimDOWN!!
So VP Pence, stopped by a Skyline Chili but only got a drink.
WHO THE F*CK GOES TO CINCINNATI, STOPS BY A CHILI PARLOR AND ONLY GETS A DRINK?!
He’s obviously not a true Fat Hump
I’M SURE IT’S A COMPLETELY EMASCULATED VICE PRESIDENT THAT ISN’T EVEN VAGUELY AWARE OF HIS CURRENT STATUS.
Obviously Mother didn’t approve.
Trump is for Gold Star? Confirmed. He’s a complete monster.
HOOOOOOOGAAAAAAANNNNNNN!
/yes, I will target Noah Fant at auction
Knowing the Kamala people (who are all the Hillary people) he got absolutely dogpiled for that take.
Worth it
If he pushed back at all, they blocked him. All the K-Hive folks I’ve encountered have the itchiest block finger and I’m actually grateful for it.
All the Russian bots are on the Gabbard train. I get not liking Harris, but…
/plus, increasingly more and more likely it will be Warren
There are a lot of actual Gabbard fans and they’re just weird enough that you’d think they’re bots or Russians posing as Americans but they’re totally real people.
oh I think it’s both, the real ones are just VERY VERY ONLINE
Gabbard is my least favorite candidate
I mean, Bernie may not be my cup of tea, but I think he’s a good Senator, and I’m glad to have him in the tent.
Gabbard? She can go ahead and start her Fox News/Russia Today career, as far as I’m concerned.
She’s still right about Syria. That’s the one good thing about an idiot like Trump with zero attention span beating HRC. She was already willing to start World War 3 with Russia over replacing motherfucking Assad with anyone – anyone in this case being different flavors of Saudi-funded genocidal Wahabists, be they ISIS, Al Qaeda, or another version of Al Qaeda – because “Assad bad!”
HillyBob was against the (daring but successful) Osama bin Laden raid, too. She…didn’t have the best forign policy track record.
Plus, we really didn’t need BillyBob back in the White House.
If not for the judiciary, you could almost say the Dems dodged a bullet in 2016. I do think the 2020 nominee will be considerably stronger.
“I don’t care about fucking judges”
— Rahm Emmanuel in 2009
I hope the people of Chicago throw him off the fucking Sears Tower
She has legit super villain energy. She’s the least trustworthy candidate on that stage and that’s saying a lot.
As I said last night, she would absolutely sell us all to the Scientologists. I bet Sea Org prohibits DFO, too.
When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside.
You gotta take the snap, though you wanna hide.
When you drop that pass, you hurt my pride.
I gotta be a man, though my pass is high.
I am a Denver Quarterback, at least until August 31
I am a Denver Quarterback, fight for what’s right, fight for three downs!
I know whose number I want!! – Marc T., parts unknown
Punt coverage and punt return are already vastly improved. Huzzah, marginal competence!
HAIL EXHIBITION BLEERGH!!
“HOGAN!!!”
-Broncos Offensive coordinator Colonel Klink, after the starting preseason QB misses a wide open receiver
Coach, do you know anything about all these hypodermic needles in the lockerroom and your team’s sudden, inexplicable success?
Alex Guerrero:
When did Sarah Huckabee Sanders start wearing a helmet to work?
Hogan sucks donkey balls too, Vegas must have great confidence in Brett Rypien to lead DONKS WOO!! to all teh points late
Awesome, Don Fangio is high on opiates too!!
We do have the distinct possibility that Vic Fangio will complete more passes tonight than Drew Lock thanks to his kidney stones.
Drew Lock. The only man who could make me excited about Joe Flacco.
Heard a funny (from my buddy):
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
oh, that GOOD
Funny, the punchline I know is
Our President has never had a garbanzo bean on his face
also, rejoice, FOAR #BFIB have a baseball point!!
Beisbol in July was great, August started bad.
September could feature some meaningful Doyers/Gigantes stabbings!
I have to say I am really happy with how yesterday played out. Farhan kept Bum and Smith while bolstering the lineup by getting rid of ineffective middle relievers.
Actually, I have trouble betting pre-season NFL. I am waiting for some fake moneys to process so I can put $40 on tomorrow’s Troyes match (French Ligue 2).
fuck you, YOU have a problem
Have you read the draft for next Saturday? I fucking nailed it after this comment.
oh, now I am extra intrigued
Considering throwing some money down every week on the biggest longshot to beat the spread and see what happens.
Matt PIX6 Schaub is still in the league?! Yeah, it’s definitely talent keeping Kaep off of a roster.
Man, Schaub really should have gotten himself a deal to endorse the Google Pixel.
Another Trump rally? Let see what inbred, hick town he got to suck his…(checks notes)….shit.
Alright lets check my folder of excuses. Lets see. “Tequila was involved”. “It was broke when I was hired”. “Your significant other and/or female relative came on to me first”. HA! Here it is.
“Even though I’m from Cincinnati, I’m from the next county over. I’m from Cincinnati but I’m not from Cincinnati.”
JFC. I’ve never seen someone’s soul escape their body just by reading text before.
Also, Redshirt, dude, you didn’t need to cut his heart out. A simple stabbing would’ve sufficed.
Redshirt – tough but fare imo
What Bengals fan has any right to talk trash to any other team’s fan?
Heh, Kurt Benkert, I’ve been laughing at than name for years. He used to be kert. But now he’s Kurt.
I like to think he became buddies with former GT point guard God Shammgod
I legitimately had a God Shammgod joke (and a Judah Ben Kert joke) in the first draft , but I assumed I was the only one who would find humor there
*Spoiler Alert*
[whispers] “It helps race cars go faster.”