There’s only a handful of Sundays left until the return of the massive zombie-in that is the NFL season. The spirit soars at the thought of Sundays glued to 10+ hours of NFL games, which gets you 48 net minutes of NFL action and a lifetime of rancor from “neglected” family members, significant others, side-persons, the Hispanic God, and friends. All I gotta say to them is: be reasonable.
There are only 17 NFL Sundays in a year. You can do everything and go anywhere on any day outside those 17 Sundays. Ever been to church on a weekday? Much more pious–by the fuckload! A night on the town on a Monday? There’s no crowds, it’s great!
Anything you could do on those 17 Sundays, even go out dancing or to an emergency room, can be done on weekdays. Let’s substitute! But, it turns out, only NFL fans accept this. For us, it’s taken for granted that when we say “Monday” we mean those outside Weeks 1-16. (And, personally, some of those could be flexed for family time or romance when the fucking Giants and / or ‘Boys play.) So we’ll keep the discussion on Sundays, which for some reason is like a sacred day or something for some wags, religious types mostly.
To maintain the little respect our loved ones have for us, we’re gonna need pretexts or excuses to indulge in our Gamblor-given right to out-sloth ourselves through those 17 Sundays. Notice we are talking about regular season Sundays, because being wholly unavailable for the post season NEEDS NO EXPLANATION DAMMIT. Yes, we chicken out, but with dignity.
But first,
NFL NEWS:
Slim pickings. The Patriots are extending Tom Brady’s contract until 2021, non-NE fans the middle finger until 2028.
DE Yannick Ngakoue rejoins the Jaguars after holding out for 11 days. He remains on the 4th and final year of his rookie contract. Jags D looking scary.
In the world of basketball, Monaco player D.J. Cooper was suspended by FIBA for a year for a positive result to PREGNANCY.
Chew on that one a while.
Turns out, it was a doping test and Cooper used his girlfriend’s urine which—ah, you now the rest already. Fake sample = suspension plus new baby minus funds for child support, a story as old as time. “He went for wool and came back sheared” goes a saying in Spanish.
So, OK. Weaseling out from people on 17 Sundays. Fake family illness, “I’m sick”, and “swamped with work urg, right?” are three right off the top. Plus you get Week 1 free because, THE WAIT WAS LONG DAMMIT!1!1 Now comes the tactical thinking.
You wanna be alone at home. So be magnanimous: leave cash or a prepaid credit card on the kitchen table with the car keys. “Shop, luv ya [kiss] [plus ass grab if culturally appropriate]”, then park your lazy ass to watch the games, Red Zone, and updated fantasy stats and bank statements. On the home alone front, you can also get up early, do chores and cook and laundry and crap before or during the first quarter of the first game. Then guilt-trip everyone about leaving you alone to rest. If you do it drunkenly, rest assured you will be left alone on Sunday, and beyond.
The next step, of course, is to just plunk yourself on the couch / bed / hammock / swing and apologize the next day. Well, not apologize apologize, because it will happen again. More like, give an explanation of how you were a victim of circumstances that struck at the very fiber of your being and left you vulnerable: “It’s been a tough week at work”, “I forgot to renew my dispensary card”, “I was expecting the call from the lab any minute”, “My back”, “Not my fault”…
The bye week for your team, well. You can sacrifice it and use it a reset button. It’s texting time:
Baby, Ive been thinking a lot about what u said. Even though every thought and feeling you share wit me is seared into my mind because you are inecxostibly interesting, one in particular shook me: that you are feeling ?“ignored”.
Bebé, I don’t blame u for throwing a spoon at me for calling you “needy”. I frgiv u. ?
U are unique and deserve affection because u are tight af.
And unteligent. Makes me ???
Ure my everything. U occupy my every thought. Let’s get away this weekend to thet Airbnb that had AC in every room and be naked all day eating Cheetos. I already bought the Chubs ?
Hmm. Best to say that over the phone, especially the emojis. A screenshot would be proof of brazen hypocrisy.
For the rest of the Sundays, you gotta manage to get away but stay in touch. Time to pass memes, encourage texting, and be ready to be engaging. Timing is the key to be engaging, to be able to reply fast. So keep a cheat sheet handy:
On tonight’s sports, a slim docket (all times Central):
MLB
Red Sawx (Price 7-4) @ Yankis (Hpp 8-6) – 6 PM, ESPN
MLS
DC United vs. Philadelphia Union – 6:30 PM, FS1 + Fox Deportes
Seattle Sounders vs. Sporting KC – 9:00 PM, FS1 + Fox Deportes
HBO is also showing “Mean Girls”, which is a damn masterpiece. Lizzy is The Best, and Kevin Gnapoor is BOSS. Plus, it had an evergreen outline for inciting any successful revolution:
It’s almost time fer footbaw! At last.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK8Yv5w-iVk
Ron absolutely makes Park and Recreation
Shit, I gotta write about the Ratbirds too. But I got a coupla days on that one.
I have way more gifs for that.
Crap. I just remembered I gotta write about the Panthers.
It’s not going to be good.
Kinda like the Panthers themselves I guess.
Carolina Panthers 2019 season schedule announcement GIF
They should’ve included this scene from Bioshock
They should call that sculpture “The Predators”.
Matt Bosher body slams Kenjon Barner on kick return GIF: https://gfycat.com/aliveplumpdaddylonglegs
https://gfycat.com/quarrelsomepartialkawala
Peanut Punch (ball strip): https://gfycat.com/vapidcleandugong
Another tWBS quote
Hey, I haven’t backed over a light pole all year this year!!!!!!
(and only one pedestrian)
I found the Forged in Fire page on Youtube, and now here’s the guy saying “It will keel” a thousand times.
I am banking mad “i’ll Watch the kid, you go have fun” hours this last week.
I need something good to cash this in on.
I just bought $200 worth of old magazines on eBay.
Gotta stay diversified.
Hustler?
You mean comic books?
The entire 1971 run of “National Lampoon” in binder, excellent condition
January 1973 “National Lampoon” (We’ll Shoot This Dog cover), excellent condition
October 1971 “Mad Magazine” excellent condition
If anyone’s interested in buying this set as a whole you can have it for $400
For $400 I could get two hookers.
Allegedly.
For $400 you could get a hand-job from Queen Elizabeth
Somewhere in my house I have the very first EC Comics, MAD’s predecessor, ‘Humor In A Jugular Vein’, in very good condition, even placed in a plastic wrap to preserve it. Supposedly worth up to $7,000.
Can I find it? Absolutely not.
This one?
QUIZ: Which one is this?
Yes.
Give me Ape Tit for $200
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEghu90QJH4&t=59s
Someone get Tunison a man-bra already.
No Coke, Pepsi. No fries, chips.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puJePACBoIo
If you’re ever in CT near Middletown you could do a lot worse…
I found that Belching Beaver peanut butter milk stout in a 22oz bottle at the bottle shop I volunteer across from but never went into before today. It took all my willpower not to buy it and drink it right there. It can’t be good for me.
The Chiefs broke Larry Johnson
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
One of these days I really gotta join the Masons.
I can introduce you to the right people if you’re interested, which is what I would say if I was a 33° Mason, which of course I’m not, not at all.
It says “No Homers. We’re allowed to have one.”
That’s exactly what a 33, (looks for degree key, can’t find it), degree Mason would say.
At least he’s taken his mistake gracefully. Now about the whole cabal thing.
There is a cabal, it’s just not a secret. The world’s 2,153 billionaires and the people who cater to them.
Goddammit, the John Oliver deep dive story gets me pissed off every fucking week, and here I am again, getting pissed off.
Long story short, prisons use slave labor for fun and profit.
It’s one of Kamala’s favorite features
Nah.
Charli XCX looks dirty in all the right ways
I can’t get past her casual abuse of Roman numerals.
3 days. Can I make it 3 days of work before my vacation? 3 days to murder a sales rep. Can i resist.
So I heard that Mitch McConnell fell and fractured his shoulder today.
I bet God pushed him.
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
That’s quality tweeting, but please remember that his name is Ratfucking Asshole Traitor Cockbite Mitch McConnell.
I’m only familiar with pieces of shit showing surface cracking, never what I would deem “fractured”.
PULL THE PLUG! FREEDOM TO DIE WITH DIGNITY!
America: “It’s for the best, he’s suffering immensely.”
Mitch: “I’m fine and I can hear you.”
America: “No, hush, you’re being so brave but it’s for the best.”
Mitch: “I’m not even sick!”
America: (pulls the plug, or more accurately, launches him into the sun)
America: “We’ll do the best we can moving forward.”
“Hey, I don’t like that guy.”
Nice touch with the edit.
Shapiro isn’t even worth being called a Kapo. He promotes white supremacy voluntarily. It’s a bold tactic that I cannot wait to come to its inevitable conclusion.
So on my way to the store tonight, I saw a personalized plate on an Audi S4. It was “S4 RAWWR”
And it was only the 2nd worst plate I saw on the journey.
On a red-orange (ew) Camaro, there was a plate that said “B AFRAYD” and the frame said “I’m a good boy with a bad toy” and I ran him off the road and beat the ever-living shit out of him. I really wish that last part was real.
I saw one of those ridiculous noise machine piece of shit mustangs that were only invented to make excessive noise and it was in “competition orange” with the black stripe.
It’s license plate said “I Roarrr”.
If I could have been less continent I would have jumped on the hood of that embarrassment and taken a massive shit.
Apparently this weekend was the last ever Bronycon convention. And I just noticed that a certain commenter has been absent…
I was at the bar with my son watching the Yankee game!!!!
found a funny:
[hakuna matata voice] racoon enchiladas
Just discovered a varietal of vino that I’m definitely not a fan of. Moscato d’Asti. Way too sweet.
Of all the tastes, salty, bitter, sweet, umami etc. Sweet is easily my least favorite.
Back to beers and shots for the day.
Yeah, the sweet wine tends to be for drunk sorority chicks, and…
/orders several cases of Moscato.
You wanna send that bottle my way? I’ve got a major sweet tooth and I dig that style.
I just called you a drunk sorority chick. Sorry, but keep in mind I don’t hate them for certain purposes.
You are what you eat…
Well played.
They cut off the line, bastards.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83Aoft0Wyqs
Less alcohol, cool climate, sweet as it can be until the bubbles come. 45 year old divorcee wine in her stupid straw hat by the pool with her collagen.
Could be worse, at a wine tasting the vinter was trying to get my wife to try a Cranbernet – wine made with cranberries. She refused, wisely in my opinion.
Wait is that the pink shit they sell at Costco? We had that last weekend and it was the first time in my life (okay maybe second or third) that we up and poured it straight down the drain. Just absolute garbage.
Stick to Fortnite, Price.
This is more like the Fisher Price version.
No one told me that newborns largely preclude drinking. This is a vastly stupid way to propagate a species.
They shouldn’t drink that much, with their low tolerances and small stomachs…
I want to try opioids.
Here’s the Douglas DC-8 on its first flight in 1958. Douglas paid a price for using a 30° wing-sweep instead of the 35° sweep that Boeing used on the 707, based on their experience with the B-47 and B-52 bombers. The DC-8 only achieved 85% of its design speed due to unanticipated drag effects that required extensive modifications. However, like most Douglas commercial aircraft, it significantly outlasted its Boeing and Lockheed equivalents by a wide margin.
I’ve given you this valuable information now use it dammit.
Like when you wake up the morning after and there’s an extra penis.
See this folks? This is initiative.
My first flight was on an MD-80.
“Bro! Is that, like, fives times better than MD 20/20?
-J. Manziel
-B. Mayfield
I think I’m one of the few people here that’s flown on the DC-8 and DC-10
You can still fly on both if you’re boxed up and shipped as cargo.
The DC-10 used to be my favourite airliner. It was solid. Like the Ford F-150 of the air.
Just don’t order the fish if you go out to eat on a Monday.
My kids were bored so I had my nephew bring his kids over. He also brought a 9-year-old neighbor girl who is wearing lipstick. I can already see my son succumbing to the dark side. STAY STRONG BOY!!!
Edit: no she isn’t African American
Are we Latinos the only ones where an ass grab is like the Hawaiian Aloha? It can be both hello and goodbye!
I’ll remember that when we meet.
It’s uncanny how the first thing I do when I see my lady friend is grab her ass and it’s also the last thing I do when we part.
I never thought about it, but maybe it IS a Latino thing.
I got in so much trouble from my Austrian ex when I tapped her friend on the ass to hurry up. Jesus was she mad.
She was probably just upset that you didn’t call her “toots”.
Culturally, the ass grab is a sign of utmost respect. It says “You’re juicy”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-zQNQe4b0g
Me: “If you DON’T want me to watch football all day, just say something…”
Stuffed cat, my only companion: “…”
Me: “Ok then, I will.”
Not gonna lie, I really like the jib of your stuffed cat. Is it seeing anyone right now?
It’s single at the moment but she once had a guys arm inside her so…
Tony Sparano’s football
First post comment from the new house! Woooo! DRINKS ON ME, BITCHES.
Dammit. I just restocked the bar today.
Did someone mention drinky-drinks?
Just think, 359 more mortgage payments and that fucker is yours!