NFL Notes:
- I hope his partner isn’t from Atlanta: Ray Lewis is going to be on “Dancing With The Stars”.
- Having braved the DWTS online store, I can assure viewers that while there is a selection of branded housewares available, no knife collections were available.
- From Disney subsidiary ESPN comes news that others competing against Lewis on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars” include former supermodel Christie Brinkley, actor James Van Der Beek (of “Dawson’s Creek” fame) and former White House press secretary Sean Spicer.
- The Miami Dolphins will honor legend Nick Buoniconti during the 2019 season with a special decal on their helmets.
We will wear the initials of Nick Buoniconti on our helmets this season to honor our late linebacker legend. He will be missed. #NoNameDefense #Perfect
📚 >> https://t.co/dzAVyTolr0 pic.twitter.com/myZe0YJoKp
— Miami Dolphins (@MiamiDolphins) August 21, 2019
- “Nab” is also what ICE hopes to do to anyone illegal trying to go watch a Dolphins game.
Finally, you will be pleased to know that the XFL released their team names & logos today:
- It’s nice to see Internet Dad gets another “professional” “football” team.
- There is an attempt to have backstories for each team name, lovingly mocked by the folks over at SBNation.
Never forget that the 2001-version of the XFL consisted of the Birmingham Thunderbolts, Chicago Enforcers, New York/New Jersey Hitmen, Orlando Rage, Las Vegas Outlaws, Los Angeles Xtreme, Memphis Maniax, and San Francisco Demons.
- XFL commissioner Oliver Luck (Hodor’s Dad) announced last fall, however, that the new XFL had no plans to resurrect its’ original team names and identities.
- Oh, and for those who get the reference,
Tonight’s sports:
- MLB:
- Cleveland at NY Mets – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1
- Yankees at Athletics – 10:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- Jays at Dodgers – 10:00PM | Sportsnet
- Little League World Series:
- West vs. Southeast – 7:30PM | ESPN, ESPN2
- MLS:
- NYCFC vs. Columbus – 7:00PM | TSN2
That’s it for me. There’s preseason games on every night starting tomorrow, so c’mon by for the live blogs, and I’ll see you next Monday for the start of the Week-4 madness.
So, yeah, I need to stick with Trader Joe’s extra sharp cheddar because I’ve been loyal to Tillamook since I moved here but that is dogshit compared to TJ’s.
Dude, try some aged English cheddar.
Life changing.
Just bought tickets for Week 2’s Bears V Donks tilt. The only Bears games I’ve attended were both in Phoenix so the crowd was 90% Bears fans. This’ll be my first go-around in enemy territory.
I also shelled out for club seats for myself and the local gal I’m going to visit for the first time. I must really like this one. But even if things start going south, at least there’s a full bar.
Did you go when they played at Sun Devil Stadium?
If so, how bad was your sunburn?
Naw, both were in Glendale. Back in 2012, after my little brother and I had walked into the stadium some drunk guy dove through the back window of his car trying to catch a pass during a tailgate. I’ve never seen him angrier in his life than when I asked the witness of the dude caught the ball. He almost made me walk back to town.
That does make me have to give it to SDS for one thing: at least there’s shit to do within walking distance.
Baboons are mean.
I gotta stop watching Discovery Channel.
Still so gassy
I coulda gone all night without knowing that.
Thanks.
Welp, it’s almost midnight (sort of). Time to cook dinner?
Meh, fuck that. I’m hitting the drive thru.
Back in a bit.
(if they’re closed Imma be really pissed)
((and hungry))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdCEPhNBnrM
Plan: sell half my shit, get a gubbmint job, move to 16th street heights, a row house with a porch. Spend my evenings in a rocking chair on that porch, drinking beer and throwing the cans at local youth. Continue until local youth shoot me.
Use bottles. They hurt more.
Easier to throw accurately too, get some spin on there. Good call!
Cans are not very aerodynamic.
Truth
If there’s a bit more fluid left in the bottom you can increase your exit velocity, flight distance by 10-15%
That’s good aerodynamics!
Plus you get that distinct “whoop-whoop-whoop” sound while it’s flying.
Scares the shit out of the locals.
They are if you crush them first, but then you don’t get quite the satisfaction at a relatively heavy piece of glass hopefully braining some dumb fuck (and if you’re really lucky, breaking).
My father could reliably crush cans against his head. I’ve only seen videos of people hurting themselves but not using empty cans or tearing their hands or foreheads up, but he never did.
What a legacy.
You ever been hit with a beer bottle?
“Thrown, smacked or used as a makeshift bong?”
–R. Leaf
I was thinking more….. bar fight in a biker bar.
Not that I’d know anything about that.
But I am interested in your bong idea.
Had a dipshit former roommate back in the early 80’s that was pissed that we got home from the bar early interrupting his first (and probably last) chance at a female encounter.
He hit another roommate in the head with a bottle from across the room causing 16 stitches in the head and an immediate boot to the curb.
Damn, Cool “Disco” Dan died last year from diabetes complications
Sad for the real DC
So I’m reading that the shit-for-brains in chief’s strategy for winning the trade war is to trick the Chinese into thinking he’s their old friend Liu Kang, aka “the chosen one”?
Isn’t that a Mortal Kombat character?
There is a legit and possibly winning plan, but it relies on (1) being honest with the public and (2) having allies that don’t hate our fucking guts and whom we aren’t also in a trade war with.
I love going to football games live, and I already have tickets for my third Raiders game, despite them moving to LV, but I’m having tons of trouble becoming enthusiastic about going to a Niners game. I think I would dig it more if they were honest and rebranded to the San Jose Niners. Lots of teams don’t play in the city they’re branded as, but most don’t play in a city that legit have their own major league teams, even if it is just hockey
Sharks games are pretty damn fun btw, especially if you go with Canadian transplants!
That reminds me, has anyone heard from Covalent Blonde?
and a Jim Tomsula hobo chili booth
Super fun fact, Tomsula is probably the biggest thing the Redacteds have going for them right now!
one can NEVAR have too much Tomsula
Somewhere there’s a guy named Tom Sula who feels fantastic right now, for no apparent reason. He’s basking in the halo
Ladies Love Cool Jim (Tomsula)
He does know how to barter with Tommy Red Line, who lives under the Red Line of the DC Metro.
I give 0.3 ± 0.05 shits unless he knows cool “disco” dan
https://dcist.com/story/18/07/27/dc-council-exhibit-cool-disco-dan/
Yeah, but ol’ Skunk Pelt Steve can negotiate a similar deal with a lower finder’s fee, assuming you got yourself some roadkill to hand over.
You get yourself a railroad tie and a heat source?
I chose this life on purpose!
Wait, James Van Der Beek was already on Dancing With the Stars!
Oh, shit, I’m confusing reality with Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apt. 23 again.
Which was on like a decade ago, which sucks because it was funny but also shows how long this shitshow of a dancing competition has been around and why it’s scraping the bottom of the barrel.
@Game Time Decision….you still around?
OK, I guess I gotta go in the back room and find your email then. Sheesh, this is too much like work.
no, please leave your name, number and a brief message and I’ll get back to you shortly.
Sounds like every woman I’ve dated recently.
I really need the Dirt Tomsulas to keep this up. #BFIB ain’t gonna win this’un
I think it would actually be an advantage if I were more of an asshole at work. Any tips on finding a coke dealer in the Bay area?
.
I miss that show so much.
Isn’t that why Craiglist was invented? Oh, wait. I mean eBay.
The Baltimore Orioles now have a two game winning streak. They even won by seven runs tonight by a score of 8-1.
Thank goodness for Detroit and Kansas City.
And so much for that top draft position I guess.
Crap.
At least Camden Yards is still a decent ballpark?
In June, it was very, very empty and quiet. I’m presuming that has only gotten worse.
But hey, no line for nachos or the pisser!
there are lots of #BFIB to fill the seats, but I guess that’s only once per 8 years
Julie Foudy is talking about getting laid at the Little League World Series and this is stunningly inappr…
Oh. “Lei’d”
Carry on.
Williamsport! Not so fun fact: the Little League World Series is why my family had to pay a ton per night for a hotel during my grandmother’s funeral. Also why we got to eat sandwiches at a communal table with 30 teens while in mourning
I have a very insensitive comment which I will not say.
Was it about the Japanese players running a high-speed train?
I will neither confirm nor deny.
But yours is better and more insensitive.
LMFAO
Go on.
“…and a thirty year old Danny Almonte became my first boyfriend”
I mean — this is like being a a head coach and being told your team has decided to use #1 to draft Jamarcus Russell.
#BFIB back to within 5-3, tying run on 2nd!!
.
BQBY sounds like a Utah name.
Or a restaurant frequented by the cannibal version of Andy Reid.
If the average American eats 3.4 mice per year, ain’t no way Andy hasn’t consumed a pre-teen.
? You and Me and Baby Minus Me Makes Two?
Can confirm!
“This thingy is way big.”
-Brickmeatismurder
Morriage? Isn’t that what caused the 2008 recession?
reminds me of the Ron Paul “Love Revolution” signs
So we’re kind of doing a Vegas theme for our guest room; nothing too kitschy — just a little kitschy. Got a clock with dice for numbers and will probably get one of those vintage “Visit Vegas” posters.
Anyways — and don’t you all go looking up my real identity with this information — my parents actually met here and I was born here. So I found an old photo of the place my mom used to work at and got that framed in there as a little easter egg for when she stays. My dad, while he was here, had worked on the construction of the Las Vegas Hilton. So I was looking to do the same thing but that is just the absolutely least photogenic building on the strip. So I guess my point is — any photoshop tips for this kind of a bland ass structure?
You are doing a nice, subtle job of setting things up for a courtesan/three-way
“…any photoshop tips for this kind of a bland ass structure?”
Kim Kardashian’s first trip to the plastic surgeon was not as ambitious as her subsequent visits.
Well, to her surgeons credit, she exists today. I’m trying to work with grainy ass old pics of a boring white building.
How’s about this guy inside the closet door? They stuck an icepick in his balls before his eyeball popped out even though he was just protecting that piece of shit Charlie M.
CHARLIE M!?! YOU MAKE ME POP YOUR FUCKING EYE OUT OF YOUR HEAD TO PROTECT THAT PIECE OF SHIT!?!
I know I’m repeating Brick’s joke, but for real, fuck that guy. Charlie M.
Have you considered adding udders?
Wait, the Las Vegas Hilton is OFF the Strip. And, if I remember correctly, it’s gone through a remodel. The old building your dad worked on was a classic. It was featured in Diamonds Are Forever.
I suggest finding pictures of Old Vegas at The Library.
The Library, of course, being a Vegas stripclub.
After only finding it to make an appearance in Burfict Strangers, I have since driven past the library. It is in a bad spot and is closed down.
I’m surprised The Library lasted that long.
Yeah, it’s now the SLS, but the original Hilton was kinda iconic.
The one I’m working on is now the Westgate.
what about a piece of the union leaders who “took a swim” in the cement foundation of the Hilton?
We may want to consult with Blaxx, but that seems structurally unwise as it may ultimately compromise the integrity of the foundation.
we’re kinda doing blah, blah blah, whatever
You mis-typed ‘the wife has decided something and I’m pretending that I had an opinion that she listened to/cared about’.
It would make work much more satisfying if I could denounce annoying co-workers as Trotskyites.
“Good news, everyone! We’re going on a team building trip to Mexico! Bring your climbing gear!”
I get this! I really do!
So did Trotsky.
“Hey, just call them Trotskyites and I’ll do the rest.”
-Ramon Mercader
You could just do it anyway. Or call them Maoists if you want to really get into some scorched-earth brawling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=14&v=iIpCYnT4a0U
Well, this is fucking insane. WARNING: bit gory
https://imgur.com/gallery/iYI72X2?fbclid=IwAR3WELbzjYIy9gRZY5q3cIGHMxmEm18KX4ZG9W9nko-w3UxZETeG2Tb8HGQ
“Didn’t see nothin’.”
– R. Lewis
That’s gotta be a 1 in a billion shot.
It’s weird that my first reaction was “Lucky fuck” since, one would presume, the real “lucky fuck” wouldn’t have gotten stabbed in the back.
There are about a million conservative gun girls but why no conservative feet girls? Everyone is bearing arms, it’s time to bear some feet.
Rex Ryan is intrigued by your views and would like to subscribe to your podcast.
Oscar Pistorius has strong opinions about everything in your comment.
What I’m saying is, stay out of the bathroom.
There aren’t? That seems like a niche that should’ve been filled a long time ago.
Thinking about posting here the most insane thing I read today. Not sure y’all can handle it though.
Read time is 22 minutes but it just might feel like 22 years
https://medium.com/@penelope.gristelfink/letter-to-the-editor-of-the-atlantic-jeffrey-goldberg-ceab6adb07ea
uhhhh, I couldn’t finish. WOW.
It’s as the kids say, a lot to unpack.
Like eating a molasses sandwich. While standing on one’s head.
THAT’S MY EXACT FETISH.
She’s obviously been through some tough times, and I don’t want to be unsympathetic. (Although her insistence on explaining how she’s not one of THOSE #metoo people frees up my conscience a bit on that score.)
Let’s just say that I’m not surprised that The Atlantic turned down whatever piece she submitted last year. I don’t think an entire battalion of editors could turn this into something coherent. This is like five different articles smushed into one: a “Kevin Williamson is a misogynist” piece; a “Trump sucks but people in Trump Country deserve our sympathy” argument; yet another “#metoo has done some good things but maybe has gone too far” piece; a lengthy personal memoir; and some sophomoric “here’s why every political ideology except mine sucks” brain fart.
I’m impressed you were able to condense that into such a succinct summary.
She’s a special kind of crazy, but I believe she went through everything she wrote about. Her ex is obviously the worst and should be drawn and quartered. She should be in therapy for about 57 years. I guess that’s about it.
Oh, I believe she’s being 100% honest too
Um…wow.
Well, strike one is seeing who it’s addressed to in the URL
Oh, shit. This could be the funniest or saddest letter ever.
More importantly, how could anyone marry that piece of shit in the first place? It will never cease to amaze me how all of these conservative scumbags are married. If I ever bothered to be social I now realize that if these ghouls and congealed slime creatures can mate that all of my self-doubt and hangups and self-sabotage were completely insane. (I already know this, but I can’t change the past and anymore I don’t socialize with any woman within 25 years of my age).
The nearest popeye’s is 30 minutes away and all anyone’s talking about is this fucking sandwich. Fuckers gonna make me put on my shoes at 9:30 pm.
BUT THE PANTS STAY OFF DAMMIT
No shirt, no shoes? No, SERVICE!
I’m a 15 minute walk from one and it’s right next to a bar I like so I’ll take the plunge sometime soon. I have to get there before they lock the lobby so the employees can do drugs in back though.
Make it a DFO special sammich (i.e., have them sprinkle some weed on it).
Same. What’s worse is that I’d rather take the 45 minute train to Costco and walk 15 minutes north to get one this weekend than to take the train and/or bus to MLK Avenue (which is still 30 minutes away)
Trying to convince my team we should do fantasy sports on facebook. Mostly because work blows and that would be actually fun to work on. It won’t actually happen, or if it does they’ll spin off another team to work on it and I’ll be stuck doing more dumb shit. I should just start drinking at work
On the plus side, horseback is awesome, i’m all set up to be SCUBA certified, and I’m retaking the motorcycle class to learn the weird CA laws
SCUBA has to be really rough on the horse, but your life is interesting.
You just got to get a specially shaped regulator, and the fins don’t stay on very well, but otherwise it’s all good
It seems like suction cups would work. Or good old-fashion garters.
And hey, how else you gonna play water polo?
#VodkaDontSmell
I should drink in the mornings, nap in conference rooms in the afternoon, then go do awesome non-work things in the evening, refreshed after a day of drinking and napping!
#DokLife
That’s a hell of a plan.
Just blatant lies
Given how much information Facebook collects, you all could probably predict winners better than anyone or thing else in the universe. Belichik aside, you can probably figure out what most of the teams do before the head coaches do.
Finally starting to think about fantasy. Do we think Bell is worth a 2nd rounder as a keeper? Right now leaning Bell, Davante Adams, Kelce, and DJ Moore, but we’d be leaving a lot on the table there, including Jordan Howard or Dak Prescott for a mid round pick.
I’d rather mid-round DAK! Do nae trust the Jest offense
also not super-sold on Moore, but the price is probably right
and I was gonna say, the three mid-level QBs I am targeting are (i) DAK!; (ii) Truth Biscuit; and (iii) Janeane Garofolo (yes, even after Monday night). Just have to get TWO startables if go that route.
Mariah Carey’s best song?
found a funny:
Go go gadget adult friendship
you know, I probably would have savoured my college/grad school friendships, had I known then that was gonna be it forever
God, I wish.
Im gonna say this as a reach out my hand to introduce myself to new people!
Is there a team out there named the Kraken? Why the fuck not? Leviathan would be cool too.
the loser of my Pro Bowl replacement “Loser Bowl” game should have to go by “Genital Warts” the next season
Exactly. The memes were already long ago ground into dust for krakens. Even the second time when some booze came out with the name. But it is a catchy, somewhat innuendo meme.
Point being: Team and league owners are grandiose but immensely uncreative and simpleminded assholes.
Kentucky Killer Kraken
Katch the Kfever!
Some people have kicked around the name for Seattle’s NHL team but I don’t think it’ll be a serious candidate.
Seattleites seem intent on driving that Wizard of Oz imagery into the ground, so they’ll probably end up being the Flying Monkeys or some shit.
I have so many shows to get caught up on. Time to rewatch Sealab.
August is just the suckiest of months
I gambled very badly, and #BFIB are down 4-nil in the first. Today…was not a good day.
Hippo bets on Mighty Whitey in Prem. Mighty Whitey lose all the time.
Hippo no bet on Mighty Whitey, then win 3 in a row.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh8zcbC_Dcw
/yes, I also bet y’all Week 1 this season
I never realized that the lead singer of Social Distortion was such a drag queen.
Comment deleted for stupidness.
NPR did a funny. When I finally slog thru this Stalin bio I’ll be reading a few of these. *
* obligatory “No Jerry Van Amerongen! This list is Dyson.”
https://www.npr.org/2019/08/20/752044550/we-did-it-for-the-lols-100-favorite-funny-books
stop yer stallin’ eh?
Stalin signing off on the murder/kidnapping/torture of the wives of his closest advisers? Holy fuckballs.
Dude didn’t fuck around
According to the book I’m reading, of the many fellas that directly challenged Stalin in meetings of any kind, only 2 survived.*
*The rest were Trotskyites, of course
well, OBVS!!
Who were they? I assume Khruschev was not one.
I can’t recall exactly who, but one of his close advisers (maybe Beria?) had a Jewish wife that was in the Gulag for like 10 years.
Stayed as an adviser, both husband and wife remained ardent Stalin supporters.
The man knew how to be a dictator, fo sho.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mt-3guVJlQ
Molotov’s wife was arrested in 1948 and imprisoned from 1949 until Stalin’s death.
Anyway, this is something I want to look into now.
One fella was Vorolishvov? He was demoted after telling Stalin that he (Stalin) was to blame for the loss vs. the Finns because he had murdered most of the top brass of the Red Army.
Maybe you are to be Trotsky-ing to the scotchnaut-cave now, da?
That’s a pretty good list.
The Sellout is hilarious.
Nice of the Dolphins to honor Buoniconti by featuring the abbreviation for “Non-functioning Atrophied Brain” on their helmets.
XFL ! ! !
To appeal to a larger sjw audience the new XFL will have “He/She/It Disagrees Congenially With Him/Her/They”
Oh someone will have a hashtag for sure. #metoo
but likely MOAR #ProudBoiz in nature