Jesus Bananacakes! I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I should welcome all you folks back from your non-self-imposed hiatus from the football. It’s nice to see you and my, that ‘no pants’ look really suits you. That chip dip stain on your wife beater should come out just fine, if ever you decide to do laundry again. Hey, I’m kidding. So yes, hello there all you swiggers, sidewalkers, ne’er do-weller’s, hellcats, harlots, schemers, backdoor men, railway cops, geezers, sneezers, dreamers, jive bombers, beard holders, machinists, taffy stretchers, Barbie dolls, tailpipe enthusiasts, shoe smellers, cis-goths, rhubarb lickers, Big Daddies, greasers and what have you.
I’d also like to give a shout-out to all the fellers that pitched in to make all that off-season content. (’cause I sure didn’t but I was very active in the comment section ) We learned quite a bit about soccer, cycling, tennis, golf, basketball, baseball and most importantly, each other. I mean, who knew that the mere presence of a 19 or 20 year-old competitor in the Women’s World Cup could so easily bring out the inner creep in all of us. Maybe some of us. Okay, a select few of us. Whatever, that’s in the past-we’re looking forward now. I’ll never forget you Becky…
Unlike the NFL. Did you hear it’s the 100th season of that little underdog league that morphed into the goliath that it is now? If not, you will and you will be sorry-at some point. My guess is that tonight there’ll be some Walter Payton shots accompanied by the delicate plucking of strings.
Enough of this. You know the drill. TO THE GAME!
Packers/Bears:
I don’t think I’m much wrong perspicating* that this tilt holds a fair bit of weight, even this early in the season. The Vikes as well as these guys will be jostling for position in a ‘should be’ competitive NFC North division all year long. I larfed a bunch when rook coach Matt Lafleur (no relation to Guy Lafleur) said that qb Rodgers would be ‘allowed’ to audible plays as though Mr. New Head Guy had any choice in the matter. The Chicago D is good but if you’re in a deep league and have 6′ 3″ Geronimo Allison, go ahead and play him. He’s up against 5′ 7″ slot corner Buster Skrine. Not only is Skrine small, he’s also lousy! Given that Bears te Burton is out your touchdown vulture tonight will be a certain Adam Shaheen. Prepare to shout his name to the heavens.
That’s it. Comment like you’ve commented before!
*perspicating is not a real word. Do not use in real-life situations unless trying to fuck with someone. Continued use of this ‘word’ may result in quizzical looks, disparaging comments behind your back, a sit-down with HR, divorce, indulging in necromancy and chronic back pain.
it’s weird to say, but Al is actually really on-point tonight
Al has always been alright. he knows how to coast.
I keep seeing “AI” as Artificial Intelligence, rather than a reference to Al Michaels. Guess I’ll get back into form as the season progresses.
Refs in playoff form i see
No fucking way he was outside the box
was his knee down?
First set to Andreescu!
What a boring goddamned game
a team with an OL this shitty should NEVER win a road fixture.
Sid luckman is legit underrated among old school players.
Guy was Johnny U before Johnny U was a thing
He should be in a lot more old school conversations than he is
I feel the same way about Don Coryell. His re-defining of the purpose of the passing game was game-shattering. His concepts spread through the league and are still used today.
Fuck, I should’ve named one of my fantasy teams Lid Suckman.
With a picture of Turtle from Entourage?
So I watched the Dark Crystal a while back… That movie sucks its a boring story and puppets are just creepy
Greetings, fellow degenerates!
My drive from the barn to home was exactly the length of the first half because traffic was extra shitty today, but that’s okay, as I was able to listen to the first half on the radio, listen to Oakland’s Throwback hip hop station during the commercials, stop by the Lucky to grab a box of wine and some popcorn, and plant my ass in front of my projector at exactly the moment the 2nd half started. Non-work life is good!
Lucky, is that like a Ralphs or HEB?
I lived in California when I was underage and so never noticed, but a recent trip to Sacramento introduced me to the idea of liquor being available at all hours and in most all venues, including grocery stores. Texas is still mired in the 13th century, apparently.
Who is Truthbiscuit’s backup?
Cornbread of Deceit
They will call Cutler before that happends
Falsescone?
Sea Biscuit
Chase Daniel, as covered in my Bears preview /leers
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2019/08/27/what-kind-of-circus-features-kickers-your-2019-chicago-bears-preview/
Guys drinking White Claws – is that an immediate loss of their Man Cards?
God is shaking his head every time a White Claw can is purchased.
/hangs Hippo head in shame
//in fairness, I never drink anything anymore
///but was always a Girl Drink Drunk
Dickheads who use the term Man Card are the only losers who drink White Claw.
NFL HERITAGE!
Mornhinwheg looks like he cooks meth and touches kids.
awww man, you NEVER go Full Kotite
I can not get over that fucking mustache on Rodgers. It’s just the fakest looking goddamned thing.
So would you say… more or less fake than his relationship with Danica Patrick, then?
I honestly can’t stop thinking about the mustache long enough to ponder that.
Great minds eh?
Not the only thing being faked
I believe these were called Lavender Couples
While we’re talking NFL memories, I’ll never forget a random customer wearing this on a shirt, led me to the old site, changed my football fandom forever …
https://kissingsuzykolber.wordpress.com/2006/11/27/f-k-it-im-throwing-it-downfield/
Godbless,,, IMO
Good lord thats what the old site looks like? I gotta find rex ryans pep talk to the gay kid
That was my favorite, I think.
YOU GAY HARD AND YOU GAY TO WIN!
Mine was the post before about Eli wanting to quit and play squash. Drew put into words what I always thought Eli was like.
that article was what got me hooked, too
Fuck whichever company that bought Uproxx and gutted the archive
$40 says that panthers fan legtimatley does not know the meaning of any of the words she just said
But she is cute and she knows how to grill, so that’s all that matters..
Do we really need a North and South Carolina?
Same can be said for either Dakota. Or both, really.
South Cakalaky is where North Cakalaky sends its garbage.
Just one would be fine, “The Land of Tar Cocks”.
Southern delegates to the Continental Congress trying to ensure that the absolute number of free and slave states remains in favor of slavery or at least even, in unison: “Yes.”
Is that AOC in the AT&T interracial couple ad? I like her even more if that’s so.
Guys! Greeks! Townspeople! Forget football, Pierre MaGuire GONE from national NHL broadcasts! Time to break out the emergency ration of sniffing glue in celebration.
Don’t tease me!
How many dead hookers were found under his porch?
Five.
The first one hails from Sudbury, Ontario, but played junior hockey for the Soo Greyhounds. #2 was the pride of Moncton, and was coached by Dale Hunter. The Hunter brothers, of course, were raised in Oil Springs, Ontario, which reminds me of the time my car ran out of oil and I had to take the bus to Shelbyville, so I tied an onion around my belt….
Ok mabye not GONE but demoted from the “top”* team.
*Not enough ” in the world to put around top.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDqgJye7hyc
Where’s the footage of the Mayflower moving vans leaving in a snowstorm?
No Butt Fumble?
100 Seasons. 76 Dead Spouses
All those coaches in the beginning were dead except belichik
All-the-way dead or just dead-on-the-inside? Darth Hoodie has to qualify as dead-on-the-inside.
“I’ll take, ‘Asshole with a Perm’ for $300, Alex.”
“Asshole with a Perm” would be a great search for Balls to try.
LOL
Yeah you chew that gum angrily you overrated trump supporting piece of shit coach
I can’t wait to watch the episode of Superstore where corporate busts the Superstore worker’s union.
I can’t think of a single reason to watch the half-time show instead of taking the dog for a walk. See you all in the second-half.
But it is nice to see Bradley Whitford getting work in a G-rated rip-off of ‘Shameless’
Quick Archer binge during half time
I’m just gonna pretend its the exact same character as shameless
I figured the first half would be sloppy as fuck, but that shit was practically unwatchable.
This first half sucked
TNF already in midseason form!
I’m on like a 4 minute delay with this Amazon fire stick bullshit but yeah, this offense is anemic.
Trubisky still can’t throw to his left?
He’s not an ambiturner
He ain’t no libtard.
Wasn’t that Rick Mirererer’s downfall?
c’mon, fair catch FG attempt!
The Packers defense looks as good as it does because it’s playing the Bears offense. This isn’t that complicated.
I was once again reminded the Bears could have drafted Mahommes that year and just imagine that fucking team.
Or Watson! The mind boggles.
JEEEEESUS. Plus all the draft picks they pissed away to move up ONE spot.
That really is one of the all-time retarded moves. There was no chance the 49ers were taking Turbisky. None.
It’s a known fact that any team’s defense looks like shredder as soon as they line up against great lakes Bortles.
I thought the Bud Knight was killed. These plot holes are worse then GoT season 7 and 8.
No they aren’t.
That’s outstanding.
/CUMS. HARD.
THE RETURNER CAN ALWAYS PICK IT UP YOU ANNOUNCER DIPSHITS!!
Wow, 6% ABV? Slow down there Bud Light Platinum.
That sound so awful
really had to centrifuge the shit out of the magic ingredient (weasel urine)
In addition to platinum, Bud Light Platinum also contains the critical 8 RCRA metals, including
Arsenic (As), Barium (Ba), Cadmium (Cd), Chromium (Cr), Lead (Pb), Mercury (Hg), Selenium (Se), and Silver (Ag). But all at levels below the Maximum Contaminant Levels (MCLs) as set by the United States Environmental Protection Agency.
i went across the street tonight to introduce myself to the neighbors and while we’re talking my youngest comes tear assing across the street, wearing a bathing suit, no shirt and no shoes. And carrying a charging cable for some reason.
First impressions…
Fucking sick of seeing dipshit Brett tonight
https://bleacherreport.com/articles/470140-turnover-the-10-worst-interceptions-of-brett-favres-career
the way his career ended was PERFECT. OK, maybe it would have been better if literally covered in his own feces.
Hey! Romo died for our sins.
He’s just like a kid out there–getting tricked into recording videos with anti semitic messages.
He’s just like a kid out there, running around and waving his tiny dick at people who have no desire to see it.
GO FOR IT
c’mon, these ain’t the Donks, nobody falling for that theatre
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
Halas > Lombardi
Won more titles, much more innovative as a coach, and his importance to the founding of the league.
A large part of how Lombardi became such a mythical figure was the timing of the first superbowl and how good Lombardi looked on film barking at players.
And on top of that, the superbowl trophy is only named after him because of when he died
also Halas never coached the Redacteds
In 1968 the Nixon presidential campaign considered Vince Lombardi as a potential VP running mate, until someone informed them that he was in fact a liberal Kennedy Democrat.
God, can you imagine if instead of Sarah Palin the McCain campaign had picked someone like Dabo Swinney?
Oh yeah. Bears may as well just leave the stadium at the half. This shit’s over.
oh, that was legitimately impressive
It strikes me as funny that one of the biggest heroes in the whitest state was a dark complected paisan. He must have stood out like a roach on a wedding cake.
“He was one of the good ones.”
People love a winner.
Rambo should be spending his days in the VA ambulatory clinic with the rest of the Vietnam vets talking about how Trump has made America great again like back when Ozzie Nelson was president, not seeking some revenge bullshit.
He’s cutting your benefits because he BELIEVES in you!!
My father is roughly the same age as Stallone, (although Dad actually went to Vietnam), and he recently put himself in the hospital falling off a bike, so excuse me if I don’t run out to see 73-year old Rambo fuck up an entire Mexican cartel, or whatever the fuck he’s supposed to be doing in this one.
This Rambo movie looks like Sly Stallone’s balls.
Old, sagging, and disappointing to anyone who sees them
Gotta use the handicapped toilet stall so they don’t get immersed.
More Rambo? Will these movie studios never run out of new and creative ideas?
Rambo/Taken mashup?? CHRIST, someone blow up Hollywoo already
I think this Titbiscuit guy might not be particularly good.
Nonsense, if my Texas education is to be trusted . Bears are just now coming out of hibernation. He’ll be fine in the 2nd half.
George Halas: “You know what else made the game great in my day? No ni…”
/film cuts out
Get this man a posthumous presidential medal of freedom!
George Halas: “This Hitler guy is right about the Je….”
The Jesuits were a controversial bunch.
F**king Ay!
–Henry Ford
I appreciate the joke but halas was one of the first coaches to sign black players. Think Paul brown beat him by a year
Did Halas sign any members of Nickleback? No? Then I stand by my cheap, shitty, ill-researched joke.