[Interior. Press Room at the Meadowlands. JOSH ALLEN is at the podium, answering questions after beating the New York “Football” “Giants”.]

ANONYMOUS PR FLACK: Ok guys, we’ve got time for one more question.

SNOTTYASS MOTHERFUCKING REPORTER FOR THE NEW YORK POST OR SOME SHIT: There’s a chance you could have ended up in New York. Obviously the Jets were heavily involved…

ALLEN: I am in New York.

[Laughter from assembled crowd]

SMRNYPOSS: [Plowing through as if Wyoming-By-Way-of-Western-New-York Jethro didn’t just clown him] What kind of point do you think you proved about what kind of player you are to the New York City fans and the New York teams?

ALLEN: [winks and points at SMRNYPOSS] One New York team. I’m just kidding. I care about what the Bills are doing and how our teammates respond to how I play.

SMRNYPOSS: Yes, yes, the Jets and Giants play their games in New Jersey, haha. But it must have been satisfying to come here and show The City what kind of talent you have.

ALLEN: [dropping good humor] Listen, cock-for-brains, there’s more than one city in New York, so calling it “The City” is some arrogant-ass nonsense. Shit, “New York City” isn’t even one city. It’s like eight shitty normal-sized cities crammed up against one another, each more annoying or craptacular than the one before. It’s one of the few places in the world where there is an open and credible debate in many neighborhoods as to whether the gangbangers were preferable to the hipsters.

SMRNYPOSS: Wait, you’re saying that you’d rather–

ALLEN: Shut the fuck up, shitsniffer. In this age of nationalized culture and widespread broadband access, there is no principled reason to have this many economically-mobile people piled on top of each other and paying $2500 a month to rent a closet. The only non-portable assets you have are Broadway, Central Park and your undeserved sense of superiority, and that last one is only non-portable because even Boston thinks you’re fucking ridiculous and wants none of it.  If you really think you’re better, move west. Make a killing bringing “real” bagels or amazing “art” or stunning business acumen to new ground.

And your food. This isn’t even about the fake-ass Pizza Wars shit. [Adopts mocking tone] Ray’s! Original Ray’s! Famous Original Ray’s! Famous Ray’s Really Original Famous! For God’s sake, it’s all just greasy origami. Fold it up, stuff it in your face and shut up. Yes, you otherwise have a wonderful and vibrant food scene, but guess what– so does every reasonable-sized city now.  Everything “unique” you had has been done elsewhere and done better. You want an unsung regional delicacy? Beef on Weck, motherfuckers.   Chase it with a Dundee’s Honey Brown Lager.  Thank me later.

APRF: That’s all the time Josh has for questions…

ALLEN: Next time you interrupt, I’m shoving you in that locker over there.

SHONN GREENE’S LOCKER: ……

ALLEN: We’re 4-1. We played New England to a fucking standstill and handed Tom Brady one of the worst games of his career. 18-of-39, 150 yards, 3.8 yards per attempt, 1 INT, 45.9 passer rating.  I had a bad game too, but we would have won if I hadn’t been knocked out (literally and figuratively) by one of the three dirtiest plays of the year.  How about that, huh? 5-0 Bills, top of the division and all you’d be hearing about is whether Brady and Belichick forgot to re-up their contract with Satan because the one legit team they’ve played put them in their place.

We’ve taken everyone’s best shot. We’ve made terrible mistakes on offense (tied for second-most turnovers at 11). We’ve limped through crippling injuries and Matt Fucking Barkley.  While young stud Devin Singletary is out, we’re riding Frank Gore to victory despite the fact that he recently signed an endorsement deal with JitterBug and his LifeAlert pendant goes off every time he gets tackled. We have one first-round pick on the entire offense- me. We traded The Naked Wideout to the Raiders for a 5th rounder in 2021 to make room for practice squad hero and former Edmonton Eskimo Duke Williams. AND WE’RE STILL STANDING MOTHERFUCKERS.

And why? Because this defense is fucking devastating.  If the Fucking Patriots weren’t on pace to shatter the 2000 Ravens’ record for fewest points allowed, this would be the defense making every offensive coordinator in the league shit their sweatpants. This is Old School Football- the front 7 are stout against the run, and the secondary has allowed only three passing touchdowns in five games.  I asked defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier about his playcalling philosophy, and he told me it was to “crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.” THAT’S STONE FUCKING COLD.

APRF: Ok, I think–

ALLEN:  And we’re going to keep winning. We’ve got three games left against playoff-caliber teams- the Ravens, the Cowboys and the Fucking Patriots. Everyone else is either a straight-up chump like the Jests or a likely pretender like #Hardland. We haven’t even played the Dolphins yet. This is our time. This is our place. We’re taking the wild card, we’re taking the first two rounds of the playoffs and we’re taking Foxborough if that old-ass fancy dog wants a piece of us. ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS?

SMRNYPOSS: [stunned silence].

ALLEN: Didn’t fucking think so. One New York Team.

SHONN GREENE’S LOCKER: Mmmmpphphmphpmmmph!

PREDICTION:

11-5. Wildcard. Smash through playoff opponents like a baby through a table.

https://youtu.be/Ny29JVSv978

Foxborough delenda est.