In honour of the Iron Bowl (MOAR below), check out this amazing new tune by the Cats who gave you 2018’s Hippo Song of the Year (“Tinseltown Swimming in Blood”):
Isn’t that righteous? I haven’t heard awesome bass like that since Peter Hook (Joy Division and New Order). It sure sticks in the mindspace, at least it do mine.
Sickeningly, Marco Silva remains Everton manager. As you all likely heard, Arsenal’s Unai Emery won that hotly contested three-legged sack race with Ole and the aforementioned Silva. PLEASE pass over Mikel Arteta again, Gooners. Everton needs him. But the Lesser Footy must go on.
I wouldn’t recommend using an alarm, but if your body clock gives one no choice, then City away to Barcodes (7:30, NBCSN) leads off Saturday’s slate. Once the signal separates from the noise, methinks Newcastle will emerge as the worst side in the Premiership. Deffo relegation fodder, just so much instability and incompetence at the board level. City need to get their arses in gear.
Mourinho gets his first home match against yeah right’s (and this week, humanity’s) Cherries, unsurprisingly getting TV coverage (10:00, NBCSN). Bournemouth have slipped to 11th, though that is just one position below Spurs. Could be competitive. You get the rare double of two leading sides shuffled off to Gold, though I ain’t watching Redshite/Trashbirds, nor Chelski/Hammers. You might disagree, free(ish) country.
Spotlight dance to compete with the Big Game? Watford at Soton (12:30, NBC). Uh…thanks but no thanks. Saints another side that’s going down, and Watford is one of the “leading” candidates to be #3.
Sunday Funday brings you an NBCSN doubleheader of Arsenal/Norwich (9:00) and Villa away to United (11:30). Fuck that noise, Gold is where it’s at. The always entertaining Wolves host shit hot Team Knifey early, followed by my shitshow Toffees away to Foxy Footy (who are a completely fraudulent 2nd). I mean, I get why NBCSN made the choices they did, with managerial merry-go-round music in the air.
Your last full JV slate of the 2019 season…
tOhio State (-8.5) at Michigan (Noon, Fox)
Most folks are already looking forward to B1G championship matchup with the MN/WI winner. But surely the Wolverines would love to upset the apple cart (and maybe shut the B1G out of the playoffs completely). That said, I don’t think Lesser Harbs nor his team are at all good. Buckeyes roll.
Georgia (-28.5) at Georgia Tech (Noon, ABC)
Yes, the Bees (trying to recover from the Paul Johnson late-era talent gap) are that shitty. Yes, they still beat NC State.
Indiana (-6.5) at Purdue (Noon, ESPN2)
Yet another road favourite in a rivalry matchup, but this one might be vulnerable. Purdue just playing for pride, but that might suffice. Plus fear of the uber-rapey Purdue Pete.
Alabama (-3) at Auburn (3:30, CBS)
This could be Gus Malzahn’s last Iron Bowl, and his side have enough to beat Tua-less Bama. This game is always physical as fuck, and might not involve much passing. No, Alabama does NOT belong in the playoffs with a win here.
Wisconsin (-3) at Minnesota (3:30, ABC)
You get not one, but TWO great matchups in this viewing window. Vegas is on the Narrative of Bucky Badger having “been there before.” But Row teh Boat has a really good coach, homefield advantage, and likely some FUN ASS WEATHER! I am gonna say we get sommet good in the B1G for a change, with Minny and tOSU playing for the playoff berth next week. No, they should not both be in if Minny beats tOSU.
Oregon State (+19) at Oregon (4:00, Pac-12)
How great a rivalry name is “The Civil War?” And neither wears grey to let the ProudBoiz know who to support! I have long been favourably disposed towards Niiiiiiiiiiiice Beaver, but they really fucked me in GAMBLOR last week.
Texas A&M (+17) at LSU (7:00, ESPN)
TAMU narrowly missed fucking up UGA’s post-season hopes last weekend, now they get to go to Death Valley and keep Orgeron’s bunch from clinching a playoff berth (they could lose this week or against UGA in the title game, but not both). I don’t see it, but stranger things have certainly happened.
Iowa State (-4.5) at Kansas State (7:00, FS1)
Both sides are 7-4, and I just have a hunch this one will be fun. Fun is still why we watch, after all.
Colorado (+28.5) at Utah (7:30, ABC)
Team Secular Big Love have been a machine (other than their bedshitting against the Troi Boiz), and worked themselves into a playoff contender with their November body of work. Methinks the locals will revel in some national spotlight time, and the Buffs will offer little resistance. Utah/Oregon should be a fun title game, too.
Oklahoma (-13.5) at Oklahoma State (8:00, Fox)
Notice that I haven’t been talking much about Steerfuckers North and their playoff chances. They should have lost at home to TCU last Saturday, and they are going to lose the Bedlam Game. Perhaps by a considerable margin. Glass jaw Schooner meets the paddle-wielding freaks of BDSM State. Res ipsa loquitor.
Arizona (+13.5) at Arizona State (10:00, ESPN)
Your last Tweaker Fix of the season involves a bad Bear Down FOAR Midterms squadron facing a team that won its Superb Owl last week (thankfully knocking Quack Attack out of the playoff picture). Sparky isn’t that good, and if their Cactus Men rivals haven’t quit, the door is open for upset city.
***
Balls’ La Liga Minuto
Barça won its Champions League game this week at home against Borussia Dortmund and sealed first place in what looked to be a very difficult group. While that may sound impressive, the wolves are out in Barcelona and it is being said that if they lose against Atlético Madrid this weekend or in the Clásico two weeks from now, Valverde will be gone.
Truth be told, it’s probably a good idea. The team just hasn’t looked sharp and has had too many periods of inattention where they allow other teams to dictate the game. This is the kind of thing that has eliminated them in the Champions League the last two years and has led to dropped points in La Liga this year.
Messi is still a genius and has saved Barça’s hide this year many times. However, that’s not a sound longterm strategy.
On the other side of the country, Real Madrid has also failed to impress yet they are also qualified for the Champions League knockout stage albeit second in their group. They are tied on points with Barça for first place in La Liga. The main difference is that Zidane just got rehired and is not feeling any pressure.
As for Atleti, they must win this weekend to have any hope of contending for La Liga. Sevilla is a surprising third and is on a roll. If they continue this way, they could take advantage of the Big Two’s struggles.
To sum up, it’s going to be a great December to watch fútbol en España, a land of contrasts.
***
Michigan not dead yet
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grbSQ6O6kbs
Despite the diligent efforts of the good folks at Flint’s Water Treatment Center.
Indiana up 14-nil at Purdue. Cancer Boy must be turning over in his grave ,, smh.
Today’s “sound dirty” footy commentary – well, they had options in the box.
Harbaugh would be worth a shot in Dallas. Him or Lincoln Riley.
Lincoln Riley should be the 1st priority.
I could do as well as Lesser Harbs done at Meeeeechigan
If Harbaugh is the next Dallas coach someone else can do the Cowboys preview next year. That’s just one asshole too far for me!*
*Balls search term
Michigan is such buuuuuutttttttt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEVJyf0ft3I
oops
Folks
Non-Gendered Cowperson!
cant remember which sportswriter twitted it but it ‘s broke it down” For this season, Dallas has more points the Seattle, allowed less points then Seattle and still has a worse record”. Coaching is killing the team
Nothing gritty OR Finnish about this show Scotchnaut!
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3323254/
Stick with it-the 2nd season really takes a turn.
GOOOOOLLLLLLLL baby apirin, away to Bayern
Me thinks Italy doesn’t allow gambling sponsors on jerseys. I have to say I like it. We gunna gamble anyway best not to gamble in shifty china sites.THEY ARE LISTENING.
One wonders how a 4th-rate cell phone company can afford to sponsor Bayern’s shirt
I’m starting a kickstarter where I sell a cut of the Jumanji movie but it’s just the Karen Gillan scenes; I look forward to your support.
Take my money!
Can I hit you on the back of the head first? Like, for old time’s sake?
Sure! Thanks to post-concussion syndrome, I’ll barely notice and definitely won’t remember!
Football apparently ruined JK Dobbins’ father’s life, leading to him dying in prison at 33. So of course JK tries to make a living playing football.
hey, still plenty of time for bank robbery and/or drug selling later
Its because the system tells about 2000 players that they can play in the NFL which at best only have spots for about 200 each year. Instead they should say “You can use your skills to get a college education at no cost and a high-five figure or six-figure job when others in your high school class are working 16 hours a day just to reach the Poverty Line.”
Things Hippo Learns on The Athletic – apparently, Crewe Alexandra is the Paedo State of English footy.
[tears himself away from Bordertown]
“Hey, let’s do some footballing!”
Once you’ve seen Finnish boobies you can’t go back.
/queues up Netflix
Forget it Scotchy; it’s Bordertown.
Apparently there are so many players on college rosters that this osu guy has to change uniforms when returning punts?
Usually its due to injuries, either to allow for a 2nd stringer to replace an injured player or to honor an injured player who can’t play in this big game.
But ultimately it’s because they allow two players to have the same number, like Dobbins and Young. Roster size is what, 88? So they have enough numbers to go around without even having to use fractions.
irrational numbers FTW!!
There’s no i in team, but there is one on this team.
They’ll allow i, π, ∞ sometime in the future, yet 0 and 00 will never be allowed.
Ok Torino and Fiorentina, let’s fucking do this. Atlantis FC already came through
The funny thing about them showing Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler is if they were coaching this game, they would be putting in the backups on defense for giving up a touchdown on the first drive.
I won all FOUR of my Lesser Footy bets today WOO!!!
GAMBLOR be praised!
Hello, Mexican place that I am standing across the street from that is telling me you don’t take phone orders? THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PUT YOUR PHONE NUMBER ON YOUR NEW SIGN?
I can never decide what my favorite part of Thanksgiving is. Is it Thursday, with all the feasting and drinking and football (well, cooking while the football game is on)? Is it Friday, with a fridge full of leftovers plus turkey soup-making? Or is it waking up Saturday morning and realizing you still have a full normal weekend left before you have to go back to work?
It’s not Sunday, though. Fuck Sunday.
Important Car Tip: Leaving the car windows down overnight in the rain is not a good idea.
Snow is better, you can shovel it out
My son did that 2 weeks ago. Dumb fuck.
Seems like a leaf blower would be the easiest way to address that particular problem.
The possibilities for how that missed extra point is going to come back to haunt michigan are almost endless at this point.
ML bets – Niiiiiiice Beaver ($40), JV BOLTMEN!! ($50), and Bear Down FOAR Midterms ($50)
/did not like the value on BDSM State
So how stupid is benching D.Watson vs NE for Fitz vs PHI in what MIGHT be a trap game for Iggles. (Between vs SEA and next week MNF @ Giants)? Fitz gets to play mad bomber and Watson is staring down just a hell of a tough defense. Albeit at home. GAHH!!
is a coinflip, don’t blame ya
I wasn’t buying in, but after they made Amari fall into a hole in the earth, I’m a pats D believer. It’s just that I watched the 85 bears and the 2000 ravens. This crew isn’t as violent or flashy, but you can’t argue the results in week 13.
yep. I’m not even playing Will Fuller, despite mediocre alternatives
/did decide to play Brokeback over BloodSugarFM at last minute (I also picked him up for playoffs)
Yuuuup. Dat schedule!?
Fucking injuries this week. Ronald Jones @Jax or Rashaad Penny vs Minny?
Penny
Jones, Jaguras suck v the run
Tampa’s passing game might get you more 1st & goals to vulture.
Huh. Looks like the zero beside Chelsea is stuck, otherwise West Ham is up 0-1, and THAT can’t be…
good jerb!
LESSER FOOTY SCUFFLE!
Wow. I just got there. SLING stinks.
I told my niece that she has to give me the big TV back when football starts today.
She said no, she has to finish playing the Xbox game.
I was about to toss her little bitch ass into the yard and Mom spoke up and told me to stop.
I think I lost this one.
Spurs….good?
no, they EVIL now
Aw man. I support all the evil teams apparently. I thought City was the evil team in the PL
They’re all evil now. Or incompetent.
Evil = Liverpool and whoever employs Mourinho
Chelski evil. Man Shitty evil. Manure still evil. Arsenal evil.
NIEDERMEYEEEEEERRRR….
Frank Lampard is a cunt, so I will give ya Chelski
Very very evil.
In a bizarro world where Mike Fucking Bloomberg buys the nomination? I deffo am voting for my cat. WHO WILL JOIN US??
A guy who is pretty much a Republican on everything but guns is basically my worst possible candidate (except for the likes of Tulsi Gabbard, who I still think is just a figment of twitter’s imagination).
Hippo’s Cat/Litterbox 2020: Better than what’s in the White House now
The man is literally running to save his personal wealth. Hilarious.
it’s like oh noes I might can has only $4.5 billion instead of $4.6 billion, wut is this Nazi Germany???
Tell me this isn’t a fun name to GAMBLOR upon:
Acs Sepsi Osk Sfantu Gheorghe
Dream Final Four (0% chance of happening):
1) LSU
2) Son de Clem
3) Team Secular Big Love
4) Row teh Boat
Cajuns/Utes for the title
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and Cincinnati sports teams shitting the bed and rolling around in it when they play in playoff games of playoff-like games.
Pretty good call yesterday, magical pony. You said they’d lose by 10-14 points.
https://www.wtae.com/article/terrelle-pryor-nfl-stabbed-pittsburgh-apartments/30061303#
Doctors say they could have treated the wounds faster, but couldn’t find them amid all the tatoos.
…wow. Of all days…
shoulda been YEEEEWWWWW, Dreamboat
/and that’s why I am rooting for tOSU today, don’t want that fuckstain’s happiness to increase even a fraction of 1%
Ah, the Lesser of Two Evils. That’s how I’ve been voting for US Presidents since could vote.
Don’t forget, write in Kruger Adams D****s for President 2020!! Hippo’s cat would be a tough, but fair, ruler.
Goolllll Atalanta!!
Benevento got a 2nd as well. GAMBLOR provides welcome refuge from all the Darkest Timeline.
The sun is OUT here in Los Angeles so we’re going for a hike.
[points at biceps, which are covered by a long-sleeved shirt]
It’s chilly – might need a concealed-carry permit for these babies, though.
How’s the snow?
We went in Griffith Park, so none around, but the view of the mountains was gorgeous.
Atalanta winning. Gooood gooood
I worried that would be a banana skin
LET’S GO CHERRIES!!!
–A martyr about to be disappointed in heaven
oh that is QUALITY, inshallah
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqqK4ft7kZ8
GOOOOOLLLLLL de Troyes!!
This Red Bulls/Paderborn fixture is just embarrassing
GOOOOLLLLLLL de Benevento!!
A headline just popped up on my tablet. Apparently, the London citizens who apprehended the motherless fuck who’d just murdered two innocent people, did so by beating him with a fire extinguisher and a narwhal tusk.
nvm-read your post incorrectly.
He was a Polish immigrant who pulled the tusk off the wall and charged at Limey Ray Lewis.
You DON’T. FUCK. with a Pole.
You can take my narwhal tusk out of my cold, dead, hands.
Man City are a bunch of dinks this year. It took a while for me cheering for them to have a negative effect (see:Giants, Senators, Sillycuse) but it’s here now.
Comintern FC ain’t even on the tube, goddamned Capitalist conspirators.
Saved by The Broom!!!
or NOT, goddamned soft cunts
Sudden change
Damnit, for a second I thought there was curling on TV. Don’t tease me like that.
The Broooooooooommmm
Atalanta and Torino double please!!!
Benevento y Troyes FOAR Hippo!
a’ight, City this shit ain’t funny no more. DO A GOOD.
City v Barcodes? Nah, Charlton v Wednesday is on.
https://gfycat.com/@unsurprised/collections/da57178f8b95d49774cffa223f137ca0/soccer