Deshaun of the Dead: Sunday Night Game Open Thread

So I’ve been on the road all day and have relatively little firsthand knowledge of what the shit went on this afternoon. A brief (aka halfass) recap after this important message:

WOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ok. I’m good. I’m cool.

So the Bills (WOOOO!) handed the Iggles a golden opportunity to pull even with the hated Dallas Cowboys (BOOO!) by beating the ever-loving snot out of the latter in front of God, Jerral and everyone. In typical Philadelphia fashion, they took this wonderful gift and fucking trashed it.

#Justice4HitchBot

Seriously. You Cheez-Wiz-Loving mutants don’t deserve the gift win the Bills gave you earlier this year. The fucking Tanking LOLfins just embarrassed you. I for one welcome the first 6-10 division winner. #NFCLeast.

Not that it will help Philadelphians’ cherished inferiority complex and (justified) sense of self-loathing, but they actually didn’t have the worst day out there today.  Cincinnati and the re-ascendant Ginger Dalton finally got on the winning side of the ledger after 11 straight losses against the Jests. Carolina in turn allowed the Redacteds to run all over them (in every sense of the word) at home. Jerry Richardson must be rolling over in his grave to have his beloved Panthers beaten by a team whose mascot wasn’t even counted under the Three-Fifths Compromise.  Wait, he’s not dead?

There were a bunch of other games. Stay tuned for Hippo Thoughts.

ON TO TONIGHT!

P*TRIOTS v. HOUSTON “TEXANS” (8:30 Eastern, 7:30 DFO):

Let’s be honest: this is going to suck for all right-thinking, God-fearing football fans. Bill Belichick has Bill O’Brien’s number, as much or more as any of the rotten fruit of his gnarled, twisted coaching “tree”.  He’s 4-0, and O’Brien’s not going to pull anything new out of that gigantic pit in his chin.

As always, the 500s’ chances rest solely on Deshaun Watson’s shoulders. And as usual, those shoulders will likely spend a LOT of time on the turf. New England’s defense is just too good this year against an offensive line that has been problematic at the best of times. Look for Will Fuller’s knee to self-destruct in the second quarter, followed by Watson’s entire skeleton in the third.

Still, the light of hope flickers in the gale. Foxborough Delenda Est

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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SonOfSpamWCSJerBear50Viva La Tabula RazaBrick Meathook Recent comment authors
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WCS

Who wants more cocaine?

SonOfSpam

/sheepishly raises hand, despite never having tried cocaine

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

So, I’m thinking that when ESPN post their NFL Power Rankings on Tuesday morning, P*ts will no longer be ranked #1, for the first time this season.comment imagev

JerBear50
JerBear50

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Senor Weaselo

You know what sucks? When your teabag breaks in the cup and you don’t realize it until you’re two-thirds through it, and in the car.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I TOTALLY HATE THIS OCCURRENCE

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Librul fags are the only people that drink tea!!!
—Half of my extended family in Massachusetts.

JerBear50
JerBear50

I would recommend they keep that to themselves when travelling in the south. Denigrating sweet tea is bordering on treason in many places. I mean, so is promoting evolution, but still.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Travel in the South?!? Hell, if they cross the Rhode Island/Connecticut state line, they think they’re south of the Mason-Dion line.

JerBear50
JerBear50

Is the Mason-Dion line where they go because they’re wanderers, and they roam around, around, around?

JerBear50
JerBear50

How the hell do you wear a cup while you’re… uh, oh. Never mind.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nice outcome tonight. Now if DK Metcalf can score /checks notes 84.5 points tomorrow night, then I’ll get a bye and it will be a very good football weekend.

JerBear50
JerBear50

I’m gonna end up knocked out of both of my leagues thanks to todays shit-tastic performances.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Folks.

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Gratliff

The before time in the long long ago

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It really does feel like a million years ago

King Hippo

Think how unkind the passing of time has been to all involved. Dreamboat, (Formerly) Big Dick Nick, all of the Iggles.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Imagine time’s toll on this guy

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Gatoraids
Gatoraids

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Old School Zero

“NEW England? Heh, more like MODERN England, amirite folks? Y’all here in Lincoln, Nebraska have a deep understanding of Brexit politics, right, bro? I mean, loogit this guy, he looks like Boris Johnson, but with only ONE crossed eye. Looks like my ballsack when I don’t have enough for a wax. I kid, I kid, but seriously, Belichick looks like he’s unsure of what the hell he’s gonna do with Northern Ireland, which is what I call some shitty Boston bar that caters to trust fund kids of corrupt cops. Tom Brady looks like Teresa May–over and done with! I kid, I kid, he looks as fresh as boiled London pizza. Anyway, you’ve sucked as an audience and I hope I never come back here. Fuck your cornfields.”

Wakezilla

So, we’re all in agreement that the Eagles are eliminated from the playoffs since they lost to the LOLfins, right? That’s the rule?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Weren’t the LOLfins tanking? Then, yes. Totally. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Wakezilla

They’re supposed to be, but, they’re starting to LOLfin-ing that up, latley (3-2 over past 5 games).

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

When you’re so bad you fuck up at intentionally failing

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

FITZMAGICK!!

King Hippo

Basically living out “Major League” in real life, a separate sport, and nobody wants to see Stephen Ross nekkid.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

players trying so hard in hopes of being traded to another team. A double digit first rnd pick will not be denied

King Hippo

I feel dirty saying so, but fuck it, I like Brian Flores. He might be the most interesting man on an NFL sideline right now.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Where does Brian Flores fit in on the Tom Flores coaching tree?

King Hippo

the shadier side obvs

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image/revision/latest?cb=20121205194057

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m just expecting this to be in the Quotables on Wednesday
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The full clip, a bit longer, that for some reason the Texans twitter intern trimmed.

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

“We’re on to Kansas City. Oh, wait…”

Brocky

It went fucking out of bounds. We all know the rule dont try any bullshit

King Hippo

JESUS FUCK YOU FUCKWITS ALMOST FUCKED IT UP

Brocky

Collinsworth is getting a chubby just imagining the comeback

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I was too, then I woke up in a puddle.

ThurberHerder
ThurberHerder

Using the word “alacrity” on a national broadcast? His grandkids must have SATs coming up

Brocky

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

TORGO LIVES

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Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Hoodor

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Sorry. Torgo. My mistake.

ThurberHerder
ThurberHerder

Little tease of a mullet there

Charge of the Light Brigade
Charge of the Light Brigade

Barber: What do you want?
Steve: Appalachian meth dealer
Barber: Say no more fam.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’ve seen that around here. That’s just the American Meth Dealer. homo noteethus

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

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Senor Weaselo

I watch the house when the Grumblelord is away.

Sharkbait

This team better wake the fuck up. Maybe a massage will help?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

You can only crank out so many Kraft Singles in one evening.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

mmm
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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

“The commentariat on DFO is going to be short-stroking this all over.
A 4-week offensive death spiral since the Baltimore loss. I hate the weird ones.”
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Brocky
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I remember that one.

Brocky

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Folks, you love to see it.

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m going to need to make videos from all angles.

Brocky

Last time I saw a spot that bad they were pulling the pooch out of obedience school and were taking him to a nice farm upstate

Brocky

….this was a lot funnier in my head

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

— Mike Huckabee’s large son while cleaning up all the blood.

Old School Zero

“It’s a lot faster to just put them on the roof of the car. Don’t have to go all the way upstate.” –Mitt Romney

Brocky

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Brocky
Old School Zero

I can’t believe the fakest team in the league is getting beat by an actual fake team

WCS

Brady and Belichick are Trump fans, so
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Old School Zero

Well, Texas is probably more important to the electoral college, though the true MAGA believers are strong in Boston (and Maine)… so… uh… dicks, dicks, penis, cock. I don’t know.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

More than half of my extended family in Mass are MAGAts. One of the kids sells beer at Gillette. It’s horrible.

Dunstan
Dunstan

Odds that Kraft was googling “best massage parlors in Houston” when the camera showed him?

WCS

15 out of ten

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That’s a lot of Kraft Singles

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Shoot, he already has them all in his Contacts. P*ts have won two SBs in Houston, didn’t you hear AL?

Dunstan
Dunstan

Those ones are all too old by now. Hell, some of them probably speak English by now.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

If only Jeffrey Epstein were still alive, Kraft Singles would be flooding Houston

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I think I got a beej from a bar girl in Japan (1982) that was old enough to have done my dad when he was there in 1956.
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Sharkbait

Does Hopkins get a TD pass for that at least?

King Hippo

he do

Sharkbait

I’ll take the fantasy points at least!

King Hippo

So that’s TD passes for Hopkins AND Bleeding Kansas this weekend. And of course, the receivng score for the LOLfins’ kicker.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

“Man, watching this game is giving me PTSD.”
—Rodney King, from beyond the grave

Charge of the Light Brigade
Charge of the Light Brigade

One more reason to not watch the Golden Globes.

WCS

— “He’s funny!”

— idiot TV critics

JerBear50
JerBear50
JerBear50
JerBear50

Ok, I give up. I don’t know why the hell this won’t show up.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

You need the full URL. WordPress can’t process youtu (dot) be for some reason.

JerBear50
JerBear50

Oh, gotcha. Thanks man.

Dunstan
Dunstan

Al and Cris: maybe a handoff is a pass?

Rules Guy (exasperated): Yes, guys, and Emmitt Smith retroactively has been stripped of all of his rushing yards, because it turns out they were all passes. Conversely, Drew Brees is now just 10th on the all-time passing yardage list.

King Hippo

they REALLY wanted a loophole, just TOO MUCH BLACKNESS on that play

Sharkbait

Did that not go forward?

hippofant
hippofant

Tery McCauley got you covered, brah.

Sharkbait

Nevermind. Its good.

King Hippo

oh, SNAP