DJ TAj will start our proceedings today

Welcome to week 8 or is it 9? in the Covid cave, Christ does it even matter? Personnel hygiene has become optional and I’ve been wearing the same pair of underwear for eleven days ( I wonder what the record is?) the constant stench of old ham has become annoying, I still brush my teeth once a week, a high brow gentleman must have standards.

What can lift one spirits in these times of trial and tribulation? Where the leader of the free world is a self contradicting buffoon? Who talks out of both sides of his ( Oh why, Oh why won’t he listen to the experts?) mouth?

Why BBQ of course, oh God here he goes….

Look there is merit throughout the country (except St Louis and they’re reprehensible) for this culinary treasure. Texas with it’s salty, smoky, black pepper brisket and pecan pie? Yes please.

Kansas City’s sweet fatty treats? Tasty.

North Carolina however? We may have an issue (they are the home of such N.F.L dignitaries as Jimmy you suck ass Graham, Jack freaking Tatum and notorious murderer “The Taco Bell Strangler” who is awaiting execution for killing 10 unsuspecting humans, dick) the “Q’ is good. Slow smoked, tasty side dishes but the sauce? Well it’s a cross between yellow mustard and cat wee wee, mustard I can deal with but the urine? It’s right out.

So where is the worlds greatest smoked pork? Well where have they held the world championships for the last 71 years? That’s right, Memphis Tennessee, the very epicenter of smoked gastric gratification.

Now a brief tutorial on my 10 years in the “901.”

“Rendezvous” terribly overrated, The dry ribs (dry rubbed, smoked, no sauce) are exceptional, their side dishes (more on this in a moment) are a disaster and the sauce is too North Carolina for meaux.

“Corky’s” is for the tourists. Very mild but decent sauce.

Some fools say “Top’s” and I know, I know (sorry hon) “The Bar-B-Q shop.” Excellent but sauce too vinegary.

For me it is and always will be Neely’s “Interstate”, hell any of the Neely’s will do but I like the original.

So with that in mind, let’s do this piggy.

Any fool can smoke a (well actually a shoulder) butt but it’s the sauce and sides that make the dish. If you can’t produce quality sides I don’t give a frogs fat ass how good ( remember the North Carolina piss sauce?) the meat is, the meal will fail, You hear me? FAIL.

I am going to be doing a bastardized version of Neely’s sauce and tangy coleslaw, I’ll go sauce first.

DJ TAJ’ Barbecue Sauce!

3 Cups ketchup
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup white (yes use both or I will send my mother who rots in hell to haunt your very life) sugar
A whole shit load of black (1/2 tablespoon, how many teaspoons is that?) freshly cracked of course (NO DECENT cook uses that can of pepper powder, if you don’t have one get a damn grinder) pepper
1/4 Onion (don’t worry about size we will strain later) chopped
6 Cloves garlic (again will strain)
1/3 cup honey
1 Tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

Pan big enough to hold said juice bring just to boil, reduce heat, cover, simmer 1 hour (yes I said) 15 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes or else you’ll get sticky burnt shit, don’t do that, slow simmer.

 

Let cool 20 minutes strain and store in GLASS vessel.

 

Best damn slaw you ever had

You’ll need cabbage, no shit!

1 head said cabbage shredded (see photo) I prefer by hand

2 Carrots (fresh) shredded (here you can use a box shredder)
1/2 Onion finely diced
1/2 Cup mayonnaise
1/4 Cup yellow (stop making fun of me) mustard
2 teaspoons (see flavor similarities?) apple cider vinegar
1 Teaspoon fresh black ( I used more) pepper
1/2 Teaspoon (again counting on you, do you like it spicy or real spicy?) Cayenne pepper
Salt to taste
Refrigerate for at least 12 hours ( I went 48 the flavors meld and happy mouth soon ensues) in cool box (sorry 31 is full, the recent body count keeps rising) 32.

***

Thanks for the intro and the first two recipes TAJ, I’ll take it from here.

As a city dwelling apartment living soul I dearly miss owning a smoker. Back in my previous life when I had a backyard I would fire up the smoker around 3 in the morning and I could slow smoke a slab of pork shoulder for HOURS driving the neighbors insane with the smell of hickory and slow roasting meat.

I can no longer do that.

Instead we are going to attempt to approximate the slow smoked goodness using an oven, a dry rub and about 5 goddamn hours of your time.

Let’s do that shit.

DRY RUB

3 tbsp. packed brown sugar

1 tbsp. kosher salt

1 tbsp. smoked paprika

1 tsp. garlic powder

1 tsp. onion powder

1 tsp. ground cumin

Freshly ground black pepper

If you have Aleppo pepper add 1 tsp. You can also use an equal amount of cayenne but Aleppo gives it a smoky taste.

Combine ingredients like so.

Procure yourself a slab of pork. Today we have a boneless Boston Butt.

Well? What are you waiting for?

Cover this in plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight.

Next day, remove the slab from the fridge and let it come around to room temperature. This fucker is going to be easy as hell, I promise.

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees.

Take out your trusty Dutch oven and get over a medium heat. Pour a couple of tablespoons of oil into the pot and get that pig in there.

Give it about 5 minutes per side. Not too much longer or the sugar/spices could burn. Turn the pig over and repeat.

Try and brown all sides evenly.

This next part is an easy motherfucker.

Leave that pig in the pan and dump in a 12 ounce beer. Lager is best here. Cover the pot with a lid and into the 300 degree oven she goes. It’s going to cook for 3 hours to start, then remove the lid and cook for an additional two hours. Yes. Five goddamn hours at 300. We’re trying to duplicate that low and slow shit you hear about all the time.

After 5 hours?

“Are you sure that’s tender?” You may be asking?

Use your tongs and try to lift the pig.

Couldn’t lift that fucker could you?

Now look at the bottom of the pan. Notice how the beer/dry rub and sugar turned the liquids a deep mahogany color? We’re going to use that shit.

Break up the pork into bite sized pieces. Just use a fork. It’s that tender.

Toss those bits around with the sauce to get an approximate “smoky” thing going. Give this a taste since it may need just a tiny sprinkle of salt afterwards.

Now. We’ve got our barbecue sauce. We’ve got our cole slaw and we’ve got our pork. What do we serve this on?

Shit. Like you don’t already know.

Homemade buns!

Yes, we’ve done these before. Several times.

Original recipe idea via

3/4 cup of warm water exactly 110 degrees

1 packet of instant yeast

1 teaspoon of sugar for proofing the yeast

1 beaten egg

2 tablespoons of room temperature butter – plus more butter for basting

3 1/2 cups of all purpose flour

1/4 cup of sugar

1 teaspoon of salt.

Dump that 110 degree water into the working bowl of your mixer then add in the teaspoon of sugar and the yeast. Let them get busy.

Bloom the yeast for 10 minutes.

Gather the rest of your ingredients.

Then dump everything else – except the butter for basting – right in the bowl along with the bloomed yeast.

Now for the easy part. Attach the hook attachment. Attach the attachment? 

Turn the mixer on to “low”, set a kitchen timer for ten minutes and let the mixer do the job.

Don’t stress. Let it keep on working and you’ll see.

See? Just have some damn faith, alright?

After 10 minutes, shape the dough into a ball and place in a lightly greased bowl, turning once to coat evenly.

Cover with a clean towel and let rise until double. One to 2 hours.

The way this shit worked was TAJ made the barbecue sauce and cole slaw a couple of days in advance. I did the rub on the pork thing the day before cooking today’s meal. The bread was put together during the five long-ass hours that the pig was in the oven. Having that oven on 300 during the time the dough was rising assisted with the rise.

After the dough has risen, lightly punch down the dough and form into ball shapes. I made 9 buns today. I also placed the buns on a lightly lubed piece of parchment paper on top of a baking sheet. Having a mild sticking issue the last time making bread I decided to give this method a go.

Cover with the same towel and let rise for another hour. This shit was easy, I just left the pan on the stove top while the pork was cooking at 300. After an hour…

I timed this out so the final rise was done just as the 5 hours of pork roasting was finishing up. Remove the pork from the oven to let the juices settle, increase the oven temp to 375 degrees. When the oven is at temp, get those fabulous looking buns into the oven. Seventeen minutes should do.

How did we do?

TOUCHDOWN MOTHERFUCKERS!

Lightly baste the finished buns with the remaining melted butter. Totally optional but it does give them a nice shiny gleam. Don’t you want shiny buns?

Now the true test. How is the texture?

Fucking picture perfect.

They way the assembly line works is pretty straight forward. Slice the bun, scoop on some pig, drizzle with your desired amount of sauce, put on a scoop of slaw and top with the top part of the bun.

Just like this.

For full meal presentation, add a scoop of cole slaw, got some barbecue beans on hand? Get yourself some of them too. Today’s beans are courtesy of my favorite local Memphis style ‘cue joint in Culver City JR’s.

There we go.

How did we do?

yeah right: The balance between everything was fucking incredible. Tang of the cole slaw, excellent depth of flavor from the sauce and honestly that is some righteous goddamn pork for not being smoked. The bun was excellent, probably my best batch yet but it left an odd dynamic. You know when you visit a real barbecue place and they give you a slice or 2 of Wonder Bread? I think of it as something to sop up the sauce with and a way to keep your hands clean. This damn bun though stood on it’s own with every other ingredient. Almost a distraction how good it was since I’m not used to having homemade bread with barbecue. Will this be made again? Fucking shit yes it will.

DJ TAJ:

The sound of madness fills the putrid air, the sky cracks open and God appears, and in booming voice say’s “I’m hungry heathen feed me”

What do you feed God?

Who cares? Hail Satan!

il n’y a pas de Dieu

 

The song is my fault

 

PEACE!