It was a cold night. Not historically cold or even stereotypically cold given how goddamn freezing it can get around these parts but just objectively and objectionably cold. I hate it when people dismiss temperatures in the 20s (that’s Fahrenheit, obviously) as “not that bad”–Fuck you, when condensation chills to a solid, it’s fair to say that my teeth would be chattering if I “braved” the elements wearing just umbros and blue and orange chest paint. Even inside this car, especially since the heat didn’t seem to be working in this clearly purchased at a police auction used crown vic.
I wondered if it would start to snow. The forecast didn’t call for it, but what did those meteorologists know anyway? They didn’t know what the future holds, they couldn’t. They could never anticipate life’s little wrinkles, the well, not quite sliding doors but small moments that forever change not just your life but someone else’s. Maybe lots of someone elses’ lives.
I had been staring out the window of the car and doing this kind of wondering for a while, waiting for a stranger to come out of a building on the outskirts of town. A small town, and one in which I’d never spent much time. But there I was, looking for snow that isn’t coming to fall from clouds that aren’t there, all the while steadfastly ignoring the two items clutched in my gloved hands.
In the left, a small crumpled piece of paper with another man’s instructions written on it. In the right, a small blade, slightly stained with the hints of that same man’s prior extracurricular activities.
I still don’t understand how he found me or why I said yes, but the calm in his voice from when he started with “I need you to take care of something for me” meant that I had already said the word “yes” before my head or heart could process what I was signing up for tonight.
“Here’s the deal–everyone wants him gone, including himself. This is what I do, I put people out of their misery. He has no family, no friends, no future. Sometimes all the world needs is an assist from guys like me to make things go just a little bit more quickly toward where they were already headed. There’s a car outside with everything you need in it, including a little thank you present for yourself. Look, I can’t do it tonight. Trust me, I wish I could.”
That last sentence chilled me to the bone. Two things were clear–First, that someone was going to kill this poor sap in due time and second, that the man asking me to “fill in” for him clearly reveled in this type of cleansing that most reviled.
“How do I even know it’s the right guy?” was the only question I could muster.
The stranger glowered at me as if it was an idiotic question.
“There’s an address in the car. No one, and I mean literally no one else, will be there. Like I said, he has no one and nothing in his life. And he’s a man of routine. He likes his solitude and then exactly once per day, he exits for a few hours and then returns to his loneliness for the night.”
And then he walked away. As I replayed the conversation in my head, the look in the stranger’s eyes continued to haunt me. This crown vic, this blade, this victim–they were all so premeditated that everything had to have been rehearsed, right down to choosing me as the stand-in.
The appointed time neared and my heartbeat quickened. What were my options at this point? I could bail. Return the crown vic–with the cliched but splattered briefcase of loonies and twonies still in it–to the off airport parking lot and go about my day. I guess I could even keep the car and the coin but that didn’t seem wise. None of this seemed wise, least of all letting down the stranger with a penchant for hastening the exits of lost souls.
I had to go through with it, didn’t I? After all, everything was the way the stranger said it would be. Absolute silence and solitude, a single car parked in an isolated corner of an already sparsely populated town outside of the less than booming metropolis of Green Bay. If this target, this fancy hobo, really was a sad sack looking for a way out, maybe a mercy killing with modest renumeration was the right play.
The blade seemed like an odd way to go, but the stranger was insistent–it HAD to be a blade, this blade. All I had to do was greet him–for a lost soul apparently he was quite friendly to strangers–and when he went to shake my hand, the shake would be replaced by the shank. Then I was to leave the body but make sure to place the blade back into the trunk of the crown vic and return to my business.
All of these thoughts floating and flowing, but not a flake of snow. Not a whit of activity–until the front door of the house cracked open.
I steeled the blade and my nerves and reached for the handle of the car door. And then I took another look at the man whose life I was expected to take.
I recognized him. And that’s when I knew I had to let him walk away and risk the wrath of the stranger from earlier in the day.
fin.
Tonight’s fare features the Green Bay Packers (7-3) hosting the Chicago Bears (5-5) with the starting quarterbacks being Aaron Rodgers and (triple checks notes) Mitch Trubisky. As much as Bears fans hate Mitch, let’s take a look around at the smoldering remains of NFL rosters and see who else is starting at QB this week who sucks a whole lot more* than Mitch–
- Brandon Allen, who wasn’t even the Bengals back up but is allegedly a better option that Ryan Finley
- Mike Glennon, known giraffe
Joe Flacco, elite dumpster fireSam Darnold sucks, too- Ryan Fitzpatrick, home to a family of birds
- Taysom Hill, the Mormon Kordell Stewart but with a lower ceiling and floor
- Carson Wentz, currently leading the league in INTs and rumored to be pulled out of today’s game for 2-3 plays at a time in favor of Jalen Hurts
- A backup running back or wide receiver for the Broncos
- Daniel Jones, who maybe is improving but still this
- Nick Mullens, Andy Dalton, Alex Smith…toss up?
- The tattered remains of Robert Griffin III, IF the Ratbirds game even happens at all, likely inside of a BSL IV facility
*Written before earlier slates kick off; if Royce Freeman or Kendall Hilton throw 3 TDs, suck it
The state of the NFL in COVID times is such that the Broncos petitioned the league to start an assistant coach at quarterback.
(But yeah, Kaep had been away from live game action for too long to have been a viable option two years ago).
Anyhoodles, as a Bears fan, I BEARLY noticed that the team was on a bye last week, might only watch a little bit of this game, and think that the Packers -8 is…overly optimistic. But it’s football between two teams technically in a battle for the division crown, so keep your wits about you, you never know when you might be called upon to fill in at quarterback…or where scotchy might be looming.
TO THE COMMENTING YOU GO!
That’s the good stuff. Thanks again for filling in.
I recommend KC. We have wins! And that should last a while as long as Patrick M does not dress like a hot dog for Coach’s annual Halloween party.
I hope the 49rs end up playing in Oakland for the next 3 weeks
I don’t know why they say it isn’t viable: https://sports.yahoo.com/nfl-rumors-49ers-playing-oakland-170743453.html
The Forty Whiners think they’re too good for Oaktown
Either that or the stadium sewer backed up again.
A.A.Ron rocking the beard grays
They wish they were this cute
I’m giving up on this game. Mandalorian and then a memo.
Please tell me that the memo is going to Matt Nagy.
Fuck it I’mma take a shot.
Step up people.
I have tequila, I guess I could do one of those.
Shots? LMFAO
Sure, I’m in
Is someone from Wisconsin shit-talking pizza!?
Perhaps Wisconsin is the land of large quantities of extra cheese? (Wouldn’t you want the extra structural support of deep-dish for that, though?)
Imagine being from the only state in the area that doesn’t have it’s own famous variety of pizza and thinking that was a good idea for a sign
My personal opinion, Detroit style > Chicago deep dish >>>>> Any regional version of cracker crust
Chicago style is casserole, (but good), Detroit is bread with pizza toppings, (nothing wrong with that, especially if you’re drunk), and cracker crust is an abomination before the Lord.
?
Sigh, take three
Someone from Wisconsin shit-talks Chicago pretty much over anything.
CSB: an expat Wisconsin person ran a light and hit my MIL. We were nearby so got called. I won them over during post-accident chat with a “FIB” comment. And got them to admit they blew the yellow in the process.
Always welcome to root for the Hox. Or not. Whatever. Nevermind
I just got here after binging the last three episodes of ‘Hell on Wheels’, (look, Scotchy isn’t the only one with questionable ‘hobbies’, OK?), and I see the only thing I missed was BFC’s excellent lead-in to this decidedly one-sided game.
Fucking awesome, BFC.
Thanks, man. Wish I’d been asked to write the Bears game plan, too.
You can let us pick for you, if you’re willing to risk it
Bengals? Or maybe Lions.
Do we have a Lions fan in residence at the moment? I feel like we should at least go out of division. Jets?
Seems like a match! I’m sure Redshirt will be happy to have company
Anderson isn’t even the greatest QB in Bengals history.
I mean, Jake Locker is a hero to Ferndale WA.
And I’m sure Anderson’s a hero to Rock Island.
I lived on 13th street Rock Island Illinois. Fucking place may have been haunted. But it was walking distance to Auggie.
If the Bears are a restaurant, they’re one with a lot of health code violations.
If the Bears were a bathroom, they would be a gas station/Mexican restaurant during a holiday weekend on the I-5.
Near Fresno.
It’s not really fair to ask bears to play football when hibernation season has already started
Fantasy points for Robinson
This is the part where the teams quits on Nagy
Can’t blame them
We’ve replaced the Chicago Bears with the Washington Generals, and yes, everyone noticed
Ryan Pace didn’t
you know I was kinda feeling guilty for not writing a bye week update,
but fuck this team doesn’t deserve it
The Racine Ave Cardinals? A bit late
Quick someone shove a mic in Ditka’s face and let him talk
That’s not how you spell pistol or cry.
This isn’t bad for an exhibition game
So Pace built a “win now” defense with a discombobulated QB who was arguably the bust of the 2017 draft. Mortgaging the future to do it.
Sounds like a guy who should be laughed out of the league to me
Next up: Parenting tips with Tony Dungy
“That’s exactly how you murder a receiver”
-Fucking Dungy
Goddamn, Allen Lazard is dead.
50,000 yards and 0 friends.
Congrats AA Ron!
Imagine a world where Ryan Pace just sits on the 3rd pick and takes Mahomes. Or Watson. Or hell even Adams. But no.
Imagine a world where Ryan Pace were held accountable for his failure.
What an ending! Wonderful, wonderful post
Can you imagine how bad Mahomes would have been on the Bears
That would have been sad, it’s nice that I don’t really care if whatever talent Trubisky has is wasted
Trubisky died so that Watson and Mahomes might live
See also: DeShaun Watson.
Why let a tiny thing like triple coverage stop you from throwing
Either the Bears D scores on one of the next two drives or this turns into a blowout before the fourth
Great start to the second half, no reason to do anything differently, right Nagy?
Why run it there and just not take a knee?
Too soon!
— J. Burrows
Tirrico: “He really left his receiver hanging there didn’t he, Tony?”
Dungy: …
Throw the bomb and get PI
Hot Toddy Time over here.
RIP George Harrison
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLHGnbILZhk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tctzUNMp5po
You can’t call PI on a Truth Biscuit pass, they’re all uncatchable
Is a teenager on molly for the first time calling these plays?
A teenager on Molly, that was me in high school!
/Well, at least I wished it was…
Offered without comment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-gyHzqKZRU
Take a couple of knees here so Rodgers has no time left
-FedEx Field laughs under its tarp
Pitch and catch
The Bears player Kmet really needs to change his number to 94.7
Deep LA cut.
Dr Demento too. Every Sunday.
Bigot poops during Zoom meeting: https://dailyvoice.com/new-jersey/hackensack/news/hackensack-board-member-who-opposed-lgbtq-curriculum-resigns-after-embarrassing-zoom-incident/798530/
Who leaked that? Are we sure their story is solid?
You want the straight poop?
Everyone local thinks they can be the same as Trump and not have it matter
Bears score a touch here and they’ll only be down 17.
Think ol Titty Kisser knows he can fuck this up seven ways to next Sunday and there’s no one on the bench to replace him?
Tyler Bray is about to become very popular in Chicago
Maybe he’s hoping people will actually buy his jersey so they can burn it
Ready for the media to call the Packers and Saints the best teams in the NFC just for them to lose to the Eagles and the Falcons next week.
The Tampa Bay Bradys though
in1984, a musician friend of mine told me that RATT was going to be a generational band, like VH or the Beatles. Last I heard, he was a big Sarah Palin fan.
People enjoying this match are the spiritual descendants of the citizens of Rome that enjoyed watching Christians versus Lions.
I would honestly enjoy that very much. I’m very pissed off we don’t have a Running Man game show yet.
/RTD and DTZM perk up from bowls of cocaine
I’m watching this grateful my Bears fans family are all gone and not around to see it. On the other hand they were around for Douglass, Evans, Phipps and Avellini.
Were the still around for the post-McMahon glory of Tomczak, Harbaugh and Kramer? That would be plenty of suffering
Oh, Charles Leno caught holding again? I’m as shocked as a Bishop learning about the sins of a recently transferred priest
Surprised it wasnt German “the human penalty flag” Ifedi.