Six, count ’em, six(!) tilts on the 4 o’clock sked! We’re not worthy! Off we go…
TO THE GAMES!
Colts/Raiders:
The Raiders haven’t looked like much recently, having had their arses handed to them by Atlanta and squeaking by the Jets thanks to Gregg. And now they might be without Jacobs again. Rook rb Taylor has put it into another gear-he’s converted 34% of his carries into 1st downs recently and LA has given up 50+ yards to 5 different rb’s over the last three weeks.
Jets/Seahawks:
There are some cracks showing in the Seahawks vaunted passing game that tore teams apart earlier in the year. Notably, Russ has been sacked more times since week 10 than anyone not named Wentz. But it’s the Jets and Seattle is angry and embarrassed-this should be over by the end of the 1st quarter.
Packers/Lions:
MVP chatter regarding Rodgers will only increase after he has his way with the Lions second worst secondary. (Hi there, Jets!) Things look good for rb Jones as well given that Detroit gave up three rushing scores just last week. Swift is finally back and it’s so easy to run on the Packers but you must wonder if he’ll be eased into playing-I’m guessing Peterson benefits and gets the red zone carries.
Saints/Eagles:
Kamara’s production be damned! Only three players (Henry, Chubbs and Gibson) have more rushing fantasy points than Taysom since he began starting. His passing numbers are all kinds of shitty and the Saints would be in all kinds of trouble if they fall behind in any game. Rook qb Hurts gets his very first start and would do well to mimic Hill if he wishes to be successful off the hop.
Falcons/Chargers:
Herbert should bounce back playing against one of only three D’s that has allowed more than 10% of plays to be explosive. (20yds passing, 15yds rushing) Still, one must also factor in Lynn’s dubious on-field coaching and his bewildering thought processes. The Chargers have all kinds of good, young talent on both sides of the ball and need to move on to someone else after the season.
Team/Niners:
J.D. McKissic has quietly become PPR league’s 24th ranked rb and while he’ll lose goal line work to Peyton Barber this week he’s quite startable. If Team’s D can get to Ben easily you know they’re going to make Mullen’s day a living nightmare.
Hit me with your best shot!
Can I do my usual, “I’ve been up since 4am and I’m going to crash hard right now” comment?
Nighters.
Stabby dreams
Have good sleepies
Maybe we can tweet or email Derek Carr to see if he can say “Door Flies Open” for one of his pre-snap audibles.
That would be cool!
Just make sure the font you use is Gothic.
I’ll sign that in black eyeliner pencil
aaannnnnndddd Chase Young wins Rookie DPoY
They’re still doing the AVN awards this year?
Well done.
Wasn’t Taysom Hill a shitty teen drama on the WB?
I think that was One Taysom Hill.
So next I suppose you’re going to tell me that Netflix’s Virgin River isn’t about Philip’s wedding night?
Sixties sitcom: The Taysom Hillbillies
Ok…so, Dallas, Philly win, Team, Giants lose.
“We’ve got fun and games and tie-breakers!”
I hope they go far enough down the list of tie-breakers that they get to 1950’s party games
Once upon a time, I participated in the world’s largest game of twister. Of course, that record has changed hands like umpteen times since then.
Put in Jameis Winston you cowards.
Do it! It’s way easier for him to get injured if he’s playing!
Red Lobster marketing department nods in unison
The Saints are determined to save the Cowboys from themselves.
OMG the Bolts just fucked up bigly!
I keep thinking we’ve hit Peak Clippers du Merde, but they just get MOAR and MOAR so.
The Jets kicker is in on the tank.
Don’t no one throw a season to draft a K at 1 overall.
Didn’t the Jets already try that?
/Al Davis rolls over in his grave
Hey, kickers aren’t paid enough to turn down a decent “incentive”
Blair Walsh’s Mexican, Non-Union Equivalent
I keep thinking we’ve hit Peak Jest, but they just get MOAR and MOAR so.
I wasn’t paying attention and left my contacts in for 2 months. It was fine, but I feel sorta obligated to wear glasses for the next couple days in some sort of weird tradeoff. I think my skull has gotten fat during the pandemic, either that or ear loops on masks have messed me up, because the glasses I’ve had for the past 3 years are suddenly annoying the hell out of me.
We’ve all just lost our goddamned minds (and I ain’t have much left to start the year).
Good god, the Cowboys are going to wind up winning the division.
The only thing I really want for Christmas this year is for a 6-10 team to win the NFC East.
You’ll shoot your eye out, Rikki.
/shoves RTD down a slide with his foot
How about a 6-9-1 team. I think the tie makes it funnier
If the Team loses today, we’ll be guaranteed that the division winner won’t be above .500.
Shit! I forgot to put the bubbly on ice!
Really more of a “room temperature generic soda” kind of celebration. Break out the RC Cola!
They’ll offer DAK a one-year vet’s minimum prove-it deal.
I wouldn’t blame them for it. Dak turned down $100 million on a gamble that he could get more playing the most violent sport not involving the Irish, and he lost.
I wouldn’t blame them because no one in their right mind should ever do business with Jerry Jones.
There is nothing false about this statement.
/tastes Iris’ meat pie
“Jesus Christ! The crust is drier than your vag!”.
You’re not tasting it right!
I lick corrected!
That’s My Raiders!
Oh, cool, I was trying to jinx the Colts and it sort of worked – they played it safe and took the field goal.
Raiders have now given up first downs on 3rd and 15 and 3rd and 10 on this Colts drive. Let’s see if they can give up a touchdown with less than 30 seconds left in the half!
Evil Chucky
Does creepy-ass elf not have feet!? Is THAT why he can’t do anything other than sit on a shelf all the damn time?
He was first on the grater.
So glad the kidlets are older and we don’t do that anymore. Forgot way too many times and then would wake up at like 5AM in a panic and go move it.
Game planning specifically to give players who have just been traded to the team a TD seems like a subtle, fun way to undermine the confidence of the trading team
Bill O’Brien just gave you a fourth-round pick in exchange for this sage advice.
At some point I will make a mid-life career change to NFL GM via bullshit psyops comments on team reddits
With the condition that it becomes a third if they actually score!
The Chargers’ “pattycake” tackling technique just isn’t going to stop a receiver as strong as…[checks notes]…Laquon Treadwell.
Ridley is goodley.
Good lovin’! Sade says he’s a smoove operator.
Oh RTD’s Raiders.
FWIW this comment was posted *before* the Raiders gave up a defensive holding penalty on 3rd and 15.
Which is more liquid shit: Gurley’s running or Atlanta’s gameplan?
What happened to Todd?
The Raiders are so hilariously inept in important games. All other games, too.
Consistency is good.
They need to roll a 12.
FWIW I wrote this *before* Carr’s red zone interception.
What the hell made me start the Dallas defense in the DFOBall playoffs? Wait, they got 21 points? My deranged idea paid off?
YYEEEEEEEHHHAAAAWWWWWW NOW YOU UNDERSTAND THE HIGH OF BEING FUCKING CRAAAAAAAZZZZYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
Do you think RuPaul charges twice, once for the drag queen persona and then again for the bald guy in suit persona?
Ru only make 75% what Paul does.
What is the exact point between almond and marzipan that it becomes unhealthy?
The point where you die of cyanide poisoning?
Sugar.
Do I tolerate the recriminations from the Dr. Mrs. and duck out to pick up lunch from Carl’s Jr.? I have a coupon for a chicken tender meal for only $5.
Just call her “kiddo” and I’m sure she’ll be totally cool with it
Speaking of which, the WSJ sent us an email asking if we’d be so kind as to edit your username.
/but seriously does the name “Epstein” translate to “Shitstain” or something? Is there a single decent person with that name?
Epstein-Barr virus? Wait no. Maybe Brian Epstein?
He has a note from his mother excusing his actions.
Wait — wsj did what?
Based on my wife’s purchase explanations, if you say you had a coupon and saved money, that justifies any purchase
I wonder how many times a game Frank Gore says to himself “I am getting to old for this shit”?
Can’t spell “getting too old for this shit” without “g-o-r-e”. For real.
Getting
Old
Runs
Effectively
ttin t ld, f this shit
ed: needs a comma
Also “golden titties”.
Adams fumble recovery. Dramatic Narrative Alert
ex-FSU kicker of placements is wide right!
HAIL SHAN’KHLOR! in Arizona
That’s just a perfect throw by the Atlanta not-QB.
Metcalf got flagged for unsportsmanlike after the TD by grabbing the camera. The No Fun League is back
Edit: he grabbed a birthday card from the camera guy.
Charmdown
Had another nice grocery store encounter today. I get to the store and park and there are shopping carts all over. One next to the car parked next to me, one blocking a parking space across from me. So I return the carts to the cart return area then head to the store. One of the store employees was coming off of her break and she started walking near me and said “Thank you for returning the carts. That’s a very nice thing to do.”
I told her “I was taught early on that it doesn’t take that much effort to do the right thing and I’ve taught my daughters and granddaughters to do the same thing.”
She said “It shows a lot about a person’s character too.”
I said “It’s a very easy trait to instill too.”
But wait there’s more…
Worst. Penthouse Forum letter. Ever.
I’m usually pretty good but even when I’m not (very rare) I try to put mine close to another cart. I don’t like for it to be lonely.
Then I do my shopping and line up in the queue to check out. Who should be my cashier you ask?
Same girl.
I have my produce and some bread. Got a nice fresh loaf of sourdough to go along with my chicken parm I’m making here in a bit plus I’ve got a couple of 30 packs of domestics it being football Sunday and such.
I put the bread and produce on the conveyer belt and hold one of the 30 packs up and I say “I’ve got two of these.”
She recognizes me from the parking lot and says “You are such a gentleman.”
I say “This world needs more civility and this is how we’re going to survive moving forward.”
She seemed overwhelmed.
I know where I’m shopping next Sunday.
So when did you whip it out?
You tried to penetrate Mark Davis in a wig?
ANNOUCER: …our first Game Break of the afternoon…
RTD: Oh good, they will probably show the Raiders touchdown…
ANNOUNCER: [shows Green Bay touchdown]
Did Football Team bring the FedEx Field turf with them to Arizona?
They shipped it via UPS.
So it’s stuck in an unmarked facility in Wichita?
Memphis actually.
Too bad they didn’t ship USPS – it wouldn’t have shown up before the playoffs started.
Which means it would have been an improvement.
Lin Wood just tweeted: “CCP & 1000’s of US citizens worked together to try to steal 2020 election at top of ticket & selected down ballot races. Serbia, Canada, Venezuela, Cuba, CIA, George Soros, Bill Gates, Biden, Clinton Foundation & many national state & local officials from both parties involved.”
I’ve never been so proud to be Canadian! Good job, everyone!
He forgot about the entire Supreme Court of the United States, plus every other court and judge in the country!
That George Soros really gets around for an old fella. Spry!
Duh… he’s got clones. Sheesh, wake up, sheeple!
He’s as flexible as that, um…shit, what’s his name again? Green skin, made out of clay…?
Wallace! That’s the guy! It’s gotta be him!
Wallace would clearly be a Packers fan, but what about Gromit? Browns?
J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets!
Huga Chavez being dead for 7 years also has putting in a lot of work in lately.
As has Fidel Castro who’s been dead for 12!
If your government can be overthrown by Serbia, Canada, Venezuela, and Cuba, you deserve to be overthrown.
I was driving home from AZ today — 4 hours through the RURAL west. One lonely highway business just south of the state line had a huge in censured F*** Biden flag. Saw a few other random Trump hand painted signs and a painted tractor trailer shell. The highlight of the drive was crossing the Pat Tillman bridge where a semi with 20Trump20 on the back was camped in the left lane even as four cars were coming up on him because, hey, law and order.
Devantedown
I think I’ve done this for a few years but I must give Iris-I think she’s 94/95 years old-credit for organizing the meat pie fund-raiser for her church yet again. She’s a keeper.
Meaning you’ve given her cleaver immunity?
“But not razor immunity!” -S. Todd, Fleet St., London
I absolutely love meat pies. Chicken curry ones are probably my favorite.
But all the Eagle fans told me Carson Wentz was the answer at QB for the next decade. Turns outs that MAGA bum was the answer to question no one in Philly wanted to think about, how shitter at QB could Philly get. .
Colts need to lose for that ridiculous celebration.
Charmception
That was a hell of a catch.
Uh-oh. Deebo is donebo?
Looking forward to another waste of a programming slot thanks to Total Loss Lawn Clipping Services.
Oh, phew, That’s My Raiders has been pre-empted by local progamming here in Los Angeles. That’s good for my psyche.
Fishing. Very important stuff!
Who’s ready to laugh? I need Jalen Hurts to have a decent game so I can have a shot in the playoffs.
Wow! Your other options?
Basically none. Got outbid for Trubisky and even glennon was claimed
(2 qb league)
As always, the answer is Tebow.
Oh look the Raiders are already losing!
nice poopin COREY DAVIS!!!
really thought u were gonna keep
ROCKIN the points
Local Seattle media thinks Wilson will “have a big game today.” You’ve been warned.