Your Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

Let’s jump right in.

Fallout:

-Jalen Hurts has been announced as the Eagles starter next week. Funny how a bit of mobility upends a D that had a playbook predicated on blitzing the hell out of Wentz. Carson was the most sacked qb in the league when he was pulled. Hurts wasn’t sacked once and averaged 11 yards per scramble. He missed a few wide-open guys but Wentz was doing that anyway. At least this rook brings ‘watchability’ back to the position again. Any Eagles fans that screamed bloody murder when he was drafted care to backpedal?

-Guenther gone. The Raiders Defensive Coordinator (in name only) was in charge of a unit that had surrendered 29 more points than the 4-9 Chargers, including an average of 32.5 over the last four (1-3) games.

-Team is now fronting the most entertaining, fascinating and incompetent division in the NFL. It’s going to go down to the wire in the same way that “The Upper Class Twit of the Year” race did.

-Thank You For Being A Friend, is what I hoped Hassan Reddick tweeted to Danny Dimes after the former finished with 5 sacks and 3 fumble recoveries.

-[grumbles under breath] Stupid rook rb’s are finally getting their shit together after languishing on various benches. (in the league and fantasy) Jonathan Taylor and Cam Akers had themselves games yesterday and I’m sure Dobbins will bring the thunder tonight. [“sons a bitches”]

TO THE GAME!

Ravens/Browns:

-This won’t settle anything in the division but if the Ravens win they can muddy the picture a bit and if the Browns get the W they’re but one game behind the faltering, run game-less Steelers.

-Ravens will bring the heat because that’s what they do and because Mayfield struggles mightily in that scenario. Of the 32 qb’s with the most playing time Mayfield is ranked 31st and he’s had a 21-39 for 189 (1-1) line vs the Ravens and a 10-18, 119 (1-2) line vs the Steelers.

-Kareem Hunt is slowly being phased out of both the run and pass game as the season progresses. The under on his prop bet 46.5 rushing total looks tasty.

-If Marquise Brown is in your lineup things are looking good. He’s scored in 2 straight games and had the most receiving yards this year vs the Browns

-The Ravens Brandon Williams is back and he is essential to the Ravens run D. With him playing no team has gained more than 150 yards. When he’s been out the D has given up 194, 173 and 173.

-Also keep an eye on te Andrews if he’s a go. The Browns have given up 10(!) TD’s to opposing tight ends.

Make with the wheezing sounds and the jibber jabber, why don’t ya.

 

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SonOfSpam

The ball slipped right out of KHunt and they scored anyway!

Cecil Rhodes

This is not the Factory-brand sadness that I am used to. Reminds me more of the Shitty Clippers.

Doktor Zymm

They’ll regret switching from Classic Sadness to New Sadness

Viva La Tabula Raza

Sure didn’t pay off for Coca-Cola.

Recovery Whiskey

Believedown

Sharkbait

Fuck this Challenge-TV timeout-1 play-TV timeout bullshit

Doktor Zymm

I love that they’re basically challenging the official’s ability to count to 12 with their shoes and pants on

Mr. Ayo

NFL is so much better with all these 4th down attempts.

litre_cola

And missed kicks. Shanklor be praised.

Don T

Woohoo! Landry catch. Semifinals beibeh
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King Hippo

Sad Hippo is sad.

/Price Is Right horn sounds

Doktor Zymm

Blocking a kick must sting like hell

litre_cola

Nothing stings like pinkeye – O Beckham Jr.

clint greasewood

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litre_cola

Are you not entertained????

WCS

SHANK’LOR FEASTS BY LAKE ERIE TONIGHT

Doktor Zymm

The Butcher, The Baker, The Turnover Maker

herodotus450

What is, the top three spots on Andy Reid’s speed dial?
/this joke brought to you by speed dials

SonOfSpam

Excellent.

Mr. Ayo

#ThePauls!

Recovery Whiskey

Oh Baker

Sharkbait

ODB being used for selling washing machines and dryers. Good lord.

Doktor Zymm

I would watch a Lamar/Andrews buddy comedy where they battle their arch-nemesis duo of Brady/Gronk

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Took leftover brisket and latkes, ripped them apart, threw em into the frying pan with some eggs, having breakfast for dinner. Now if only I could retire before 40 life would be grand.

Doktor Zymm

That sounds delicious

SonOfSpam

If only I could go back to 40. Or at least drink a 40.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh man, it just hit me that these are both potentially playoff teams. What a world

Viva La Tabula Raza

2020, man.

litre_cola
WCS

Cody Parkey is going to crush the already soulless masses of Believeland, too.

Doktor Zymm

Every team should just go for 2 every time

clint greasewood

Wrong runningback

Recovery Whiskey

Parkey!

litre_cola

This has been a really good football game. With 2 unoffensive announcers to boot!

Sharkbait

Shouldve bet on the Gus Bus

SonOfSpam

Don’t need to discuss much.

Recovery Whiskey

So apparently according to Disney and Pixar, the souls of black people are white.

Cecil Rhodes

Not in my book.

Doktor Zymm

Oh hey, there are actual RBs on the Ravens too!

Unsurprised

I’m not going to lie. I honestly believe I deserve priority in line for the vaccine and instead I’ll be lucky to get it before August.

Last edited 3 years ago by Unsurprised
Dunstan

Part of me is hoping that enough idiots will refuse to take the vaccine, at least at first, that us low-priority people will be able to get it sooner than expected.

Recovery Whiskey

The entire country deserves it after the year of fuckery we’ve had

Cecil Rhodes

Another Oxford man! What college did you read at?

litre_cola

This is a preview of the Browns playoff game.

Cecil Rhodes

Doesn’t matter if they are 4-12 or 12-4, the Factory always delivers.

litre_cola

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hippofant

I’m looking to buy a sofa for the first time. I am very confused how they can range from $300 to $3000. Please provide any advice/tips/recommendations you may have.

Doktor Zymm

They’re all fine

Dunstan

Napping on a leather couch always makes me wake up sweaty. This may just mean that on fabric couches, my sweat is soaking into the fabric, but I see that as a problem for my guests and not for me.

SonOfSpam

Depends how long you want it to last.

If it’s just you, and for a few years, go cheap.

If it’s long-term and for a family, go LaZBoy or whatnot.

Don T

Long enough to nap in

Brocky

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LemonJello

It’s the shoes!

LemonJello

Barring some 2nd half Chubb heroics, I, like BrittFaar, am going to come up a little short.

Brocky

i know you’re not supposed to laugh at the down trodden, but there is something truly funny about people in my league screeching at browns players to save their fantasy seasons

Sharkbait

These two Chubbdowns have me in the position of going “stop stop he’s already dead” to my opponent.

Brocky

quitter!

Recovery Whiskey

Dry drunk uncle alert

litre_cola

Jack Nicklauses grand daughter or some rich spawn got married to a dude named TODGER STRUNK. Soak that shit in.

LemonJello

His parents should be turned in to CPS for that name. And the eternal wedgie he’ll carry with him to the grave.

Cecil Rhodes

Should have gone for Mergatroid Skittle.

litre_cola

You really need this. comment image

Cecil Rhodes

No woman south of Bloemfontein ever said no.

Recovery Whiskey

Marianne Faithful approves

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ooooh, the crawl just said Captain Bluebunny isn’t getting fired. There go Horatio’s IPA reserves

LemonJello

YEEEEEEHAAAAWWWwwwww I don’t want to take the dead money hit!!!

The Maestro

Just tuning in now. Where’d all these points come from? Santa’s workshop?

Fronkenshteen

Not Khunt goddammit.

Cecil Rhodes

I hear that one of these teams can produce a certain commodity better than any other team in the world…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s gotta be on quotables, right?

King Hippo

Almost threw for the FG!

LemonJello

Is that a rouge?

King Hippo

TOTES should be.

litre_cola

TOuTES you mean

Recovery Whiskey

Careful for that post

SonOfSpam

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Don T

I had “Oedipus Complex” texted at me in anger this morning. Man, that’s drunk texting fodder! God I miss normal people.

SonOfSpam

Even weirder, it was your mother texting you.

Doktor Zymm

That’s a bold texting strategy

Doktor Zymm

“We see here the scale model of our proposed open-plan Oedipus shopping complex. Note the Freudian slipway leading to the subconscious and subterranian parking garage”

King Hippo

I’d say you dodged el bullet-o with that one.

Dunstan
Sharkbait

Needs MOAR Hollywood

Doktor Zymm

LAMAR!

SonOfSpam

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LemonJello

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Recovery Whiskey

Looks like they unlocked Jackson

SonOfSpam

LAMAR doing LAMAR stuff. Enjoyable!

Recovery Whiskey

Every Penn State alum just orgasmed

Sharkbait

Mrs Sharkbait has finished making cookies. Only 13 dozen this year.

To be fair, the cookies are “snap” size. But still.

King Hippo

Jarvis Landry needs to start shitting his guts out during the half. And not return to the pitch.

Don T

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King Hippo

NAWT officially ded at teh half WOO!!!!!

SonOfSpam

IT’S A FIELD YOU FUCKING PRETENTIOUS CONTINENTALIST FANCY BOY

litre_cola

I am going to have to side with Spam on this one.

SonOfSpam

r u drnkk too?

litre_cola

Comfortably buzzed. Been a hectic day.

clint greasewood

Bench Hunt and put in Chubb for the rest of the game.