Festively Lesser y Championship(ish) Sabado

Here comes the deliriously jam-packed Premiership Festivus period, with the added entropy that is #NuAIDS.  A good opportunity to see some of your favoUrite side’s depth options!

You’re not setting your alarm to watch the German Elton John kick the tar shit (and whine incessantly) out of Uncle Woy’s ti-wud Pawace.  Shockingly, they won’t be hiding it on Peacock, though (7:30, NBCSN).

Surprisingly competent Soton gets surprisingly pedestrian City at 10:00 (also NBCSN), as we all wait for the law of gravity to re-establish itself.  Surely this week?  Because Saints can get right fucked.

You KNOW IT, baby!  Toffees in the Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC), against an Arsenal side that’s winless in its last 6 domestic fixtures.  Handsome Mikel Arteta is lucky he won the FA Cup.  And of course, that he’s handsome.  Nobody likes to fire good-looking people!  DFO has quite the significant Gooner contingent, who will no doubt enjoy smack talking Hippo’s rage.  Everton can’t possibly give me three straight resilient performances against credible opponents.  (reverse jinx double-bank shot)

Wrap up your Lesser Day almost in time for SABADO NFL WOO!!!  Newcastle welcome Mighty Whitey (3:00, Peacock) to their corner of the Northeast, with Litre sure to scare wife and child at least once.  Will we get an appearance from WCS, admitted Barcode-friendly Commentist?

As I am writing this, it’s just shocking how bad Troi Boiz are.  Looks like Oh-ray-GAWNE will be the first JV conference champion that didn’t win their division.  Space-time continuum rupture, y’all.  Today’s potential bananacakes recipes:

Northwestern (+18.5) v. Ohio State @ Gravy Boat (Noon, Fox)

All this hand-wringing over tOSU, in the one season where they clearly do fucking pass the fucking eye test.  3 more games against other conference weaklings would change exactly nothing.  This will be an epic beatdown, with a 2/3 matchup against the Clemson/ND winner ahead.

Oklahoma (-6) v. Iowa State @ JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)

On one hand, I don’t get how Steerfuckers North are favoUred by more than a FG.  Or maybe favoUred at all.  On the other hand…I sure as shit ain’t betting on Cornpone State.  Like they say, a riddle wrapped up in an enema smgdh.

Washington State (+10.5) at Utah (1:30, FS1)

Hey there, one of many random filler matchups!  We see you!!  Weird how many central/western games are being played so early in the day.  Oh well, is Plague Year.  Just go with it.

Clemson (-10.5) v. Notre Dame @ Richardson Plantation (4:00, ABC)

Somehow, Brian Kelly has managed to become more sanctimonious and up-his-own-arsehole than Dabo! can even dream.  Like I said, strange year.  Vegas is expecting angry Tiggers and fraudulent, perhaps hungover Irish.  Fuck ’em all, I ain’t watch.  With a loss, ND will get its ass handed to them by Roll Damn Tide, which would make for much guffawing.

Boise State (-6.5) v. San Jose State @ Random Vegas Area Vacant Lot (4:15, Fox)

I love how #NuAIDS managed to get these fuckadoos national Fox coverage.  I have no idea whether either of these squadrons is even marginally worth a shit.  But, it’s not ND/Clemson.

Alabama (-17) v. Florida @ Megatron’s Butthole (8:00, CBS)

It means MOAR until it don’t.  Florida doesn’t get in the playoffs with a win (seriously, like that’s even a possibility), Bama is in regardless.  But Nick Saban will be out for blood anyway, because it’s all that brings him joy.  Well, that and the tears of small children.

Tulsa (+14.5) at Cincinnati (8:00, ABC)

This is indeed a title matchup, just at the better one’s home field.  But would one really be surprised if JV WKRP kind of just phoned this one in?  I could see it.

Arizona State (-7) at Oregon State (10:30, ESPN)

Oh tweaker fixture, however will we miss ya.  The nation’s best coeds try to go after Niiiiiiiiiiicccccceeee Beaver.  Brought to you by RedTube.

And, that’s it.  Our plucky Chanticleers got cancelled by #NuAIDS.  What a dick that guy is!