Your “And Then There Were None” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

I’m talking about Saints running backs and Agatha Christie of course. If you’re looking for “If this happens, then that happens” playoff permutations you’ve come to the wrong small football-watching site. You’ll hear enough of that over the course of any game you watch and they’ll most likely get it right, unlike me. I’m only good for snark and semi-tepid taeks.

Before we head into the football, a shoutout to the soccer monkeys on the site that slowly get things going on Sunday mornings. If commenting early, try to use “cheeky”, “c-word”, (just can’t get used to that one, likely never will) “guv’na”, “crikey” and “penno” in your typings. It makes them feel at home.

TO THE GAMES!

Fins/Bills:

As odd as it may seem, these two team’s trajectories make this the “must-see” AFC East tilt going forward. Will the Bills rest some players, given that they’re nestled into the #2 or #3 spot? I looked around but could find no confirmation.

Ravens/Bengals:

Rashawn Slater or Ja’Marr Chase’s new team is going to get the ever-loving puss whomped out of them today by a Baltimore team that is “on form” at just the right time.

Steelers/Browns:

Cleveland is in the classic “win or go home” spot but has closed their facilities three of the last four days. Dudes that won’t be playing due to Covid include 2 starters at lb, one at safety and another at corner. That might not be as big a deal because the underwhelming Mason Rudolph is under center. This game, much like Ben’s penis, is going to be weird, ugly and off-color.

Vikes/Lions:

Dalvin is out due to his dad’s unexpected passing so Abdullah and Boone get the honor of closing out a forgettable season. I’m guessing there will be points scored here because these D’s have been waving the white flag all year long.

Jets/Pats:

I read somewhere that Belichick’s coaching record without Brady compares quite favorably to Rex Ryan’s. Ha! Don’t feel too bad for the Jetskis-they still have the 2nd pick in the draft, the Seahawks 1st and 3rd, the Giants 3rd and 5th, a ton of cap space and a soon-to-be ex-coach wandering the sideline making strange expressions.

Cowboys/Giants:

She’s another one of them ‘must wins’ for the Giants, a team whose D has 2 sacks and all of 6 qb hits the last three weeks. Guh!, I say Guh! This is why the return of Kyler Fackrell and his 3 sacks is viewed as good news. Jeebuz Christmas! I’ll be hella scared of Dallas next year if they draft nothing but defenders but they won’t, so I won’t.

Falcons/Bucs:

The “Is this *blank*’s last year in *blank*?” articles are already coming out and I saw one that inserted “Matt Ryan” and “Atlanta”. The thing is, he didn’t play that badly, he’s still 35, (getting there, yes) his contract makes him near untradeable right now and the new GM/Coach will want stability at the position while likely reaching for Wilson in the first or hoping that Jones, Ridder or Trask falls to them in the 2nd or 3rd. So no, this isn’t Ryan’s last year in Atlanta, dummies, it’s his second-last year in Atlanta.

One of my better TED Talks, thank you for saving the tomatoes in your pockets for the next speaker.

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Doktor Zymm

Oh hey, the Browns are ahead! How do you think they’ll fuck it up?

ArmedandHammered

If you take the multiverse idea into account, all the way imaginable and then some.

Last edited 3 years ago by ArmedandHammered
WCS

Baker tears his Achilles on a meaningless garbage time drive, misses the playoff and all of next season.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

CASE KEENUM BABY!

Gumbygirl

Oh wouldn’t it be loverly!?

Doktor Zymm

It’s never actually occurred to me to wonder what a dolphin trampled by a herd of buffalo would look like, but I guess we’ll find out!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

At least Mason is living up to his name, tossing bricks line that

Brocky

banner!

Unsurprised

Hippo already won the day.

Brocky

ravens at bengals:

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Last edited 3 years ago by Brocky
Sharkbait

I missed getting bets in the early window. Kittle’s gonna go over 4.5 catches right?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Will he carry that last one to full term?

Unsurprised

I’d rather it be Cowboy Down and it was about Jerrah overestimating himself at the Bunny Ranch and blowing out all his heart valves.

Unsurprised

At least I got out of the house while it’s still sunny. Had a nice walk. Got some half-decent enchilada.

Time for a nap.

clint greasewood

THESE BILLS I CALL JAPANESE FISHERMAN BECAUSE THEY ARE SLAUGHTERING THE DOLPHINS.

Senor Weaselo

FUCK YOU, WHALE AND DOLPHIN!

Brocky

me: i don’t get it, I’ve hardly done anything physical, yet my legs feel like shit.

dar: how in God’s name did you make it through two a days without realizing how important drinking water is?

man of biting wisdom

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Finally turned own Browns-Stillers and am shocked Baker Mayfield didn’t immediately throw a red zone INT

King Hippo

It’s almost like nobody deserves to win the NFC East.

Brocky

I’m suggested for years that if a division doesn’t produce at least 1 team with a .500 record then that should become a wildcard slot. the highest seeded wildcard team gets a home playoff game

Doktor Zymm

But a sub .500 team in the playoffs is the wildest of cards!

Dunstan

Or at least the division winner should lose home advantage. Wichita, here we come!

rockingdog

BARK BARK BARK

Matt Barkley is in

thats ROCKING

Unsurprised

He’s still in the NFL?

King Hippo
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Goddamnit Giants DON’T FUCK UP MY DREAM OF A 6-10 PLAYOFF TEAM!

King Hippo

Brokeback taking a rest, LOLfins has hope!

Cecil Rhodes

Josh Norman just crushed it. Poor LOLfins.

hippofant

Why are all these starters still playing in meaningless games for playoff-bound teams?

bk109

Because the Ginger Hammer uses the tears of someone blowing out an ACL on a meaningless play and missing the playoffs as lube for his Satanic orgies with Jerruh and Danny-boi Snyder 😀

bk109

In all fairness, the Giants don’t make sense in general so it’s kinda par for the course

Doktor Zymm

Sling is apparently having some sort of outage. Not cool.

bk109

That’s the beauty of modern technologies, lol – they work fine 99% of the time, but as soon as you actually have 5 grand on the line … I mean something to watch and it goes kaputt 😀

WCS

Greetings, fellow degenerates.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Salutations

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You sound just like my quantum state.

Dunstan

I’m uncertain about that.

ArmedandHammered

Are you sure you are not entangled?

rockingdog

found a funny:

gentle reminder that we brush our hair with teeth on a stick and brush our teeth with hair on a stick

Spur

That joke must kill with the Luddites. When I die. I’ll leave you my sonicare toothbrush.

ArmedandHammered

luddites bristle at yor suggestion, they just use a chewed up stick

bk109

Uh, anyone else here see WW84, ’cause I gotta ask.. it it me, or was the bloody rape thing completely ignored by the bloody plot?

ArmedandHammered

From what I understand, completely ignored, but hey, its rape of a man, so no big deal.

bk109

tbh, for me that goes straight into existential horror (regardless of the genders involved), because of the equally unpalatable options of A) someone getting yeeted outta his own body, because a half-god is still hung up on the first guy she ever… “met” … and who was only in her life for like a week (7 decades ago)
or B) that same someone’s having his life usurped (for the same reasons) and is being dragged into dangerous situations against his will

Also, as pointed out by a thing on YT, the implications of her standing idle while WW2, the Indo-China wars and countless of genocides happen is … delightful

WCS

I don’t know about WW84, but, Gal Gadot is going to play Cleopatra, and I’m already at half mast.

bk109

Given the laughably wooden performance she gave in WW84, you can make do with a couple of pictures an’ the old college try 😀

WCS

All the same to me.

bk109

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yer welcome

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I thought she was ok to pretty good, but the plot was just SO bad that nothing was going to save it.

bk109

Honestly, the saving grace for both WW movies are Chris Pine and the villains (though Kristen Wiig’s character could’ve been a bit more fleshed out). The odd thing is, Gal Gadot appears to be charismatic IRL and good/fun in decidedly dumb movies like Fast 5/6, but unless a miracle happens – I just don’t see her carrying a movie as the focal point… Basically – she’ll do an Emilia Clarke, but minus the original nudity 😀

Last edited 3 years ago by bk109
Dunstan

Haven’t seen WW84 yet, but I thought the villain was the weakest part of the first film.

Dunstan

THESE MIAMI DOLPHINS, I CALL THEM NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON AND RON GOLDMAN, BECAUSE THEY’RE GETTING MURDERED BY BUFFALO BILLS.

blaxabbath

Mason Rudolph has one word to describe this season:

N*****

Dunstan

The holidays are traditionally a tough time for Rudolph.

herodotus450

If Pittsburgh isnt knocking an Ohio team out of the playoffs, do they even really exist?

Brocky

as easy as it is to make fun of the Bengals and browns, the NFL would not be complete without all 31 teams

Cecil Rhodes

Brokeback QB continuing to lasso more TDs. Aaron Rodgers hopes that they can meet serendipitously on the slopes of the Grand Teton after the season is over.

Gumbygirl

The best thing I can say at halftime of the Steelers/ Brownies game is that I was afraid it would be much worse.

Wakezilla

At this point, if the Lolphins are shitting the bed, they might as well take Allen’s head while leaving

Last edited 3 years ago by Wakezilla
Fronkenshteen

Fuck week 17.

Cecil Rhodes

Take your +1 and head back over to the women’s shelter to console that poor lady.

hippofant

dolphins sure could use some Fitzmagic right now.

ArmedandHammered

Maybe he just needs a bit longer, since he played at Duke he wasn’t really playing college ball, more like high school 1.5.

ArmedandHammered

I think those circumstances are under rated 9r mainly only given lip service, because “players are pros and should be able to handle these types of changes”, but constantly being under a stream of incompetent coaching has got to seriously retard a players growth.

LemonJello

Sam Darnold frowns at the use of “the r-word” and then resumes eating paste and dry macaroni.

bk109

G’evenin’ lads and lasses, how’re ya this fine arse eve so far?

King Hippo

Fuck, just imagine How Very Monday tomorrow will feel. I need #ThirdPill.

ArmedandHammered

I feel the same way, I started dreading tomorrow last night. Retirement is hopefully only 5 years away, not sure i can hold out that long.

King Hippo

I could manage 5 years, if I cashed out my 401k then shot myself when it ran out!

ArmedandHammered

The other issue is my work provides fantastic health insurance my wife does not want to lose, she may make me work an extra 10 years.

litre_cola

I could go in 10, due to being #olddad I have 15 to go.

ArmedandHammered

I could not last that long. Looked at SS statement and I started working at 14 and have always worked at least 20 hours per week, so 40 years straight. So fucking tired.

litre_cola

What a return! McKenzie wants the Kamara record!

King Hippo

He was originally with the Donks, but fumbled like SEVEN TIMES his first year returning kicks.

Redshirt

I see Andy Dalton hasn’t lost his Playoff Touch.

King Hippo

Wakey Reacts Reasonably (RARE non-Ole edition)

King Hippo

You can nae stop Streling Shepard, you can only hope to contain him. I mean, if you’re lacking in gender.

Redshirt

Time to transition to baseball mode…dear God.

King Hippo

/I finally got this

litre_cola

Wife is from Salmon Arm. You aren’t wrong.

King Hippo

LOLfins are kind of poopy. Good thing The Giraffe can still open a playoff back door!

Wakezilla

They’re melting down

ArmedandHammered

Is it bad of me, that I want someone to tackle Tom Brady in the mid section so hard, he curls up like an overcooked shrimp and remains that way for the rest of the decade?

LemonJello

Artist’s Concept:

comment image

ArmedandHammered

I would love to see this happen, especially if it was down the capital steps.

Gumbygirl

Not at all.

Unsurprised

I would never stop cumming.

Wakezilla

What the fuck? Dolphins defense looking like the 2019 defense with all the embarrassing missed tackles

litre_cola

Really hoping for a backdoor cover in the TB game. – A. Brown’s bible study partner.

Fronkenshteen

I remember picking Ameer Abdullah in the fourth round before his rookie season and yelling, “Y’ALL STOOPID!!” for letting him fall to me. I also took NYG RB David Wilson in the the second round, and Kenbrell Tompkins in the sixth.

clint greasewood

I have had Sunday ticket this year and I’m just now noticing HULU is in a standoff with right-wing terrorist organization Sinclair Broadcast Company. We got the freaking playoff next week.

Mr. Ayo

Fucked. Hammy tore to bits.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Forever? Asking for a keeper league

Mr. Ayo

It’s a re-injury of that hamstring. But he’s still questionable to return, so I may. have been a bit over dramatic there.

The Maestro

Afternoon, gentlefuckers.

Wakezilla

Jesus Christ, Baker! You have a free shot on the QB and you veer to the right? The fuck is wrong with you!

Of course the Bills get a touchdown the next play

Don T

Antonio Brown TD! How great when good things happen to fucking scumbags.

Unsurprised

The NFL in a nutshell

ArmedandHammered

Republican party in a nutshell.

Cecil Rhodes

“Hey, that statement needs to be more inclusive!”

-Kamala Harris

litre_cola

Who among us hasn’t jerked off on the back of our bible study partner?

King Hippo

I mean blessed is he who comes in the name of teh Lord amirite??

Unsurprised

Damn it. It’s not even noon and you’ve won for the day.

King Hippo

I think this is my first ever double digit comment. SO PROUD.

ArmedandHammered

Will make his subsequent fuck up and fall (the 4th or 5th) even sweeter.

Cecil Rhodes

Happy New Year, gentlemen and others. I see that those uncivilized Browns are running roughshod over my personal steel mill workers. 2021 is off to a terrible start!

Unsurprised

I can’t help but feel schadenfreude just based on your username

Cecil Rhodes

Men of industry (the Steelers) will bring Africa out of poverty, not a rebellion that is led by a Baker.

litre_cola

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Fronkenshteen

Tourette’s-ey McBugeyes proving that he can lay down to the fucking patriots as well as any college coach that replaces him is our going away present.