One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.
Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.
Yours in the comments, first come, first served. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.
This weeks topic: CLASSIC SPORTING EVENT YOU WISH YOU’D ATTENDED
This week’s commissioner is here with the rules.
Hello and greetings one and all. I’d like to thank the author of this piece for picking me, Howard Cosell, the greatest announcer in the HIStory of sports, to oversee this draft, rather than some pretty boy talking head like Gifford or Meredith. TRUly this author is deserving of the Pulitzer Prize for such a feat of daring and inTELLigence.
The rules for this draft are relatively simple, so simple even Gifford could figure it out, at least before Bednarik turned him into a VEGetable.
-Ahem- The RULES are as follows. Simply pick a sporting event, ANY sporting event, from the past, which YOU DID NOT ATTEND but wish you had. No one is interested in your humblebragging about attending the first Super Bowl or Wrestlemania or whatever. Save the pretentious bragging for me, Howard Cosell because trust me, I am BETTER at it than you are.
The sporting event, while it can have occurred at any point between now and the birth of the universe, MUST HAVE ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Just as we are not interested in any humblebragging, we are not interested in your fan fiction about Alison Brie fighting Gillian Jacobs in a mud wrestling pit, at least not for this draft.
Third, and finally, for purposes of this draft professional wrestling, rigged though it may be, counts as a sporting event.
Without further ado, the first pick goes to Horatio Cornblower! RIGHT THERE!!
Horatio: (looking nervously at the freshly patched wall) No surprises here. I’m a big boxing fan, or at least was back when it meant something, and I can’t think of a better time for boxing than when Ali was in his prime and had opposition like Frazier, Foreman, Norton, Shavers, and the like. That’s just an insane collection of talent at the top of the heavyweight division, and one we’ll probably never see again now that we’re all learning that getting punched in the head for a living isn’t that great of an idea. Nonetheless, as the featured image suggests, I will take The Thrilla in Manila.
Yours in the comments.
Similar to Scotchy, I’ll go a few miles down the Cross Island for a Triple Crown winner, but I’ll go more recent with American Pharoah. Even though they spelled pharaoh wrong.
So, I don’t know anything about this match, it might have been boring for all I can tell, but I wanted a classic tennis moment, so I’m going with the 1969 U.S. Open. Rod Laver beats Tony Roche in four sets to complete his second career Grand Slam — and still the only male Slam in the Open Era.
“Wait, I thought *I* was the only one who ever completed a Grand Slam!” – tWBS, reminiscing about the time he banged four Denny’s waitresses in one week.
(if you didn’t start to read this with the voice of Howard Cosell as soon as his name was mentioned, you did it wrong)
Football: Freezer Bowl (because it was the high mark of the Bengals franchise – would be a tie if the Bengals breaking the 14-year Playoff Drought in ’05 happened at home instead of in Detroit on the road)
1981 AFC Championship Game: Chargers vs. Bengals | “The Freezer Bowl” | NFL Full Game – YouTube
Baseball: Either Jay Bruce’s HR to clinch the 2010 Division break the 15-year Playoff Drought…
The Reds clinch NL Central on walk-off homer – YouTube
… or watching the Big Red Machine’s Great Eight reunite on the Reds field for the first time since the ’70s.
Cincinnati Reds Big Red Machine Reunion Great 8 Ceremony Sept 6 2013 FoxSports Download – YouTube
Wrestling: One of the post-WrestleMania RAWs (including the first post-COVID full-capacity one that hasn’t happened yet)…
All RAW After Wrestlemania Chants & Pops – WWE RAW 8 April 2019 – YouTube
or WrestleMania XXX (seeing Daniel Bryan win the title but for witnessing Undertaker’s Streak ending (the Pro Wrestling equivalent to watching the end of Infinity War on Opening Night)…
Director’s cut of The Undertaker’s Streak ending – YouTube
or Daniel Bryan turning face against Bray Wyatt (one of the rare moments when Wrestling goes from Silly to Awesome and it showed that Daniel Bryan was completely over):
Daniel Bryan makes an important decision: Raw, Jan. 13, 2014 – YouTube
I just realized that with six YouTube links, this may not be posted. At least it was nice to relive nice memories.
Holy shit. Either the Mods trust me or they are asleep at the wheel.
“How could you fall asleep at the wheel? That’s what pills are for.” — Britt Reid
At least if DFO goes under, we have the name Driving Britt Reid ready to go.
Since we’ve limped into the 5th round (apparently the interest in these things is higher when there’s a chance for perviness… who knew?!) and it’s 1AM here
I’m gonna invoke the Koalas in the rain protocol and go through my 2 to 6 … But first, Koala mode engage:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tOHtuPFUYU
Anyway,
Game 😛
Edit: Also it’d appear that the formatting gets yeeted out even when it’s using the proper number’d paragraph style
Also – honourable mention that was bumped by nr6 – the inaugural tank biathlon in Russia, because of course it was 😀
At work & on a break, so now I’ll take May 10, 1970 – Game 4: St. Louis vs. Boston.
/invoking 30 minute rule
The 1976 ABA All-Star Game. The dunk contest at halftime featuring David Thompson’s 360 and Julius’ foul line slam is one thing that would have blown fan’s minds but here’s a list of guys that played in that game-Dan Issel, Bobby Jones, Artis Gilmore, Larry Kenon, George Gervin, Caldwell Jones, Maurice Lucas and Moses Malone. They were “the lesser league” but everyone ended up as a Hall of Famer.*
*before their ABA stats were included in their totals
I’m a little disappointed that nobody has taken “the first track meet Allison Stokke competed in after she turned 18” or had Eli show up and try to pick a Quidditch World Cup match.
Ufford is currently going through some online grief about the former, so that issue is kinda nuclear right now.
1994. Game 7. Rangers/Devils. “MATTEAU! MATTEAU!! MATTEAU!!!! STEF-ANE MATTEAU!!! AND THE RANGERS! HAVE ONE MORE HILL TO CLIMB, BABY!! BUT IT’S MOUNT VANCOUVER!! THE RANGERS!! ARE HEADED TO THE FINALS!!!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ziarOEosIc
https://youtu.be/_n1oTchnRv0
That’s an underrated pick. Would also have accepted “Messier’s Guarantee”. The amount of pressure on that team to win was ridiculous and they somehow pulled it off.
Game 7 vs Canucks. In my opinion, this is the best hockey photo of all time. This is Game 7, late third period, game-tying goal CLEARLY beating Richter, but miraculously clanging off the post. Look at the look on Kevin Lowe’s face (#4 in the corner). He heard the “PING!” and is just waiting to see the red light. Amazing photo.
Broke my heart.
It was Keenan. Perfect coach for that team.
I would go back in time and attend one of those naval battles they had at the colosseum in Rome. But I am a nerd, so there is that.
I’d imagine there were a few samurai duels that would have been pretty great to have a ringside seat for.
The 1990 Giants vs the 15-2 49ers that were going for the threepeat. NY was playing with their backup-Hostetler-and had finished the season 3-3 only because they eked out a pair of three point wins vs the putrid Cardinals and Pats. San Fran was at home and it was a done deal. But then a fake punt deep in their own end then taking Montana out of the game (the Giants defensive players were livid because of a cheap shot on Hostetler) and then a last-second fumble recovery.
/I was absolutely certain they were going to lose
//I’m sure I would have kissed a lot of men that night
UConn-Duke, 2004 NCAA semi-finals. UConn came back from something like 9 down with 4 minutes to go.
That was under serious consideration as my 1st pick. I still pull up that last ten minutes of the game on youtube if I need my mood elevated.
I’ve got time for a second pick!
I’ll take the final of NCAA tournament that UNLV won. That team was a blast to watch.
4. I realize this draft would have worked almost just as well for me if it had been limited to events that took place outside the U.S. Note that I was very close to taking Game 7 of the 2001 World Series until I learned that Curt Schilling was the starting pitcher for the Diamondbacks. Instead I’ll go with what the Dr. Mrs. suggested: Game 7 of the Raptors-76ers conference finals in 2019
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=deSEDArF-ko
Does the Vikings Sex Boat count as a sporting event?
If not, I’ll take game 6 of the 1998 NBA finals, who cares if Jordan pushed off?
(speaking of the vikings, i missed my first pick, hence me taking two in less than 30 minutes). Suck it, Cosell.
Doesn’t matter to me; I’ve been dead for years.
He was dead for years before he died.
I’ll grab Secretariat’s 31 lengths win at the Belmont in 1973. That must have been nuts to watch unfold.
My father was there for that.
My grandfather too, I think.
Game Three of the 1987 Canada Cup. Canada comes back from a 3-0 deficit to win 6-5 on a late goal from Gretzky to Lemieux. One of the greatest assemblages of hockey talent — you know it’s a good team when Wikipedia refers to guys like Hawerchuk, Tocchet, and Brent Sutter as “grinders.” (And yet despite the depth, Mario scored 11 of Canada’s 41 goals in the tournament, and Gretzky was involved in 21.)
Only downside is I’d be in Hamilton.
I’ll take Hank Aaron’s record breaking home run game, since they didn’t seem to care about people getting into the excitement of getting onto the field.
Euro 2008 Final. Germany getting beat by Spain.
Wait,
Billy Packer (and my Dad) always said this was the best basketball game he’d ever seen. 1974 ACCT final, David Thompson v. Lenny Elmore. Also qualifies because I plausibly could have attended, if I was older (short trip to GBO):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTL_MJlsweU
A good friend of mine (NC native) said they’d wheel tv’s into classrooms during the ACC tournament, otherwise nobody would go to school those days. I wouldn’t know, we were busy not being educated in Louisiana.
My elementary school classes in Charlotte always televised ACCT Friday (I was born in 1973). Junior high always had an “optional” assembly, and freely allowed everyone to go home and watch if parents allowed (mine did, obvs).
It wasn’t until high school that I ever missed any of the games. And #1 seed NC State promptly lost to Bob Wade’s hapless Maryland squadron.
Invoking the “or 30 minutes” rule to take another pick: 1984 game where the Whalers beat the Oilers 11-0.
I went to a lot of Whalers game, but didn’t make that one. The Oilers were at their peak and sat Gretzky and Kurri. They were probably still a much better team than the Whalers, but must have succumbed to the notorious Hartford nightlife.
/sends Horatio a Hurricanes “Karmanos” sweater
//finalizes Last Will and Testament
3. Scotland vs. Japan in the final game of the group stage of the 2019 World Cup. Japan, who have already pulled off a miracle win vs. the Irish, need a win to become the first Asian nation to ever reach the knockout stage.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1ekEId2B84E
I’m sorry, but that’s a downvote, because… WE WUZ ROBBED!
Are you curled in the corner, begging whichever deity might listen to unsee the things that make my cold dark Eastern European heart leap with joy? No? Then you don’t know NOTHING about what makes me cheer .. and you should hope that remains the case MWAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
This one hurts.
Best aspect of being a complete WASP mutt? Nothing that happens in international sportsball can make me THAT upset. I tend to just support squadrons I find interesting, non-fascist, and/or full of Evertonians.
Probably the only time I would have ever wanted to be in Kansas City.
June 10, 1997. Game was nothing special. But this was:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56f4xH4ZoEM
So, is there a running track on how many rounds deep you lads are in at this point… I’m a tad too bored(most of the picks being so clichéd doesn’t help, lol) to check for myself
We’re in the second round.
The good thing about most of the picks being cliched is that there are so many more interesting ones for you.
Actually third – rob’s done 3 so far… Berlin, Borg vs McEnroe and Brady’s ACL tear
But yeah, that’s why I decided to wait a bit more until someone reaches into the 5th or 6th to do a combo pick 😛
Edit: And litre technically speaking made ~9 picks (I’m not sure what the hell Southern League First Division means in terms of the English football pyramid)
1956 Olympic semi-final match in water polo. The “Blood in the Water” match, as Hungary beats USSR just after the Hungarian Revolution.
Any time Fulham got promoted. (Which is a lot as they routinely get relegated)
One at a goddamn time.
Noone would mind Fulham promotions (in fact, I’d wager that more people would be inclined to pick Fulham relegations to troll litre than care about Fulham getting promoted… or even when they won … Seriouslyt, not even a single title/cup?!)
The Intertoto Cup!
Aka the “CUP that gets you a place in the 2nd round of the 2nd echelon of European football” (aka the literal “Someone must play lads, or there will be no betting in the summer! Cup” )
Super Bowl XX
Game 7, 2016 World Series. Someone’s curse gets broken, and just the twists and the turns involved.
And I can just watch it and not worry because I have no skin in the game.
Armed & Hammered took that with the 3rd pick.
Oh duh, can’t read. Fine, I’ll take Game 4 in 2001, the Mr. November game.
84-85 Lord Stanley Cup final, game 5, Oilers crush Flyers 8-3 to win the series in 5 games. More just to see Gretzy and that team play. I’m sure there are better games, but way to lazy to go find one.
I’ll go with the 1991 U.S. Open quarterfinal, a 39-year-old Connors beating Aaron Krickstein in a fifth-set tiebreaker in front of a frenzied Labor Day crowd. (Tempted to go with Jimmy’s first round comeback against PatMac, but this one was probably more fun with the bigger crowd.)
September 7, 2008 – Chiefs vs. Patriots. Brady tears his ACL.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7aVe_Ge09U
I would shake Bernard Pollard’s hand.
Quality hate right there.
The hockey winner (there’s one other that might qualify) is Game 8 Summit Series and Paul Henderson banging away at it. I’d give the security services the “Old Manitoba Raspberry” before being carried off to the gulag of my choice.
If you’d brought enough Levis, you could have had all the Russian ladies reserved for the players.
And that’s the only reason a DFOer would have pants.
This was gonna be my second pick. An excellent choice.
That was a crazy game in many respects. If I recall correctly, the Soviets tried to eject Alan Eagleson and some of the other Canadians from the building. It was also partway through that game when the Soviets declared that if the game ended in a tie, they were going to claim victory in the series based on goal differential. Also the absolutely shitty officiating by the USSR’s handpicked referee.
great pick.
Minneapolis Miracle for very obvious reasons.
You were absolutely insane to have waited for the second round to take this. I don’t care much about either of the teams involved and I was very tempted to take it in the first, just because it’s such good value.
I will now re-watch this clip for what has to be the 100th time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWe1KY8HOCg
2. USA vs. Brazil in the 2011 Women’s World Cup. I believe the match took place in Dresden, which seems like it would be a fun place to have a liter or two of beer whilst celebrating.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cvGfV6qCiOI
Yeaaaaah, it’s still kinda hazardous to be an American or a Brit (especially drunk) in Dresden, y’know (the far right movements in Germany are particularly strong in the former East Germany and they sure love to pull the firebombing of Dresden out every time they need to point out that the West isn’t as clean as it likes to believe)
Oh. Well, it sounded like it was pretty fun in the stadium at least.
2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs, Quarterfinal, Game 7, Toronto vs. Boston.
‘Nuff said.
The 1936 Berlin Olympics, to see the look on Hitler’s face as Jesse Owens won the gold medal.
Bit of a myth. Hitler wasn’t in attendance the days Owens competed. As Owens put it “Hitler didn’t snub me, it was our president who snubbed me. The president didn’t even send me a telegram.” But still worth it to tell Nazis to fuck off while they dragged me to Dachau.
November 13, 1976 – Pepperdine University.
Battle of the Network Stars. 1st Episode
Farrah Fawcett wins the 100 yard dash by a nipple!
I volunteer to assist both Adrienne Barbeau and Lynda Carter in the breast stroke!
The only time I would ever want to be Gabe Kaplan.
Winner!
NC States 1983 Basketball Championship, that would have been a great time on Hillsborough Street.
That was my next pick. We contemplated driving up for that, but somebody pointed out we’d also have to drive back and none of us was willing to be a designated driver.
Since this is taking forever (and unlike last week is … kinda boring), anyone mind if I submit my 2nd and 3rd round and go off to play Mass Effect 3? I’m pretty sure both are off everyone’s radar?
I’ll take the silence as a “No.”, so … catch y’all eventually 😉
Hey all, I am trying to get Horatio and Blax’s emails so I can send them some beer, but for some reason I am unable to get their emails. Would one of you with god like powers on this site help me out?
1980 Men’s Wimbledon Final – Borg vs McEnroe.
Borg wins his fifth in a row. Then I go downtown to watch The Clash.
Ah, damnit, there goes my 2nd pick.
Especially if you got to watch it from the queen’s box.
Phrasing?
I thought “the queen’s stanky axe-wound” would be a bit unseemly.
1. This is a very difficult call, but I’m going have to take the 1999 NCAA Basketball Championship game where UConn beat Duke 77-74.
UConn was still a lovable underdog at that point, I hated Duke and Coach Ratface even more than I do today, it was in insanely close game down the stretch…
Lake Placid, NY
February 22, 1980
SUCK IT COMMMIES!!!
(Can you fucking imagine the…everything about that game?)
Yeah, in front of a home crowd that had to have been a hell of a good time.
How this wasn’t the 2nd pick is beyond me.
As a BFIB I have to take game 6 of 2011 World Series. (I’ll save a seat for you Hippo.) Down 2 in the bottom of the 9th, with 2 outs and a 1-2 count, David Freese triples to tie the game. Down 2 in the bottom of the 10th Cardinals tie it up again when Lance Berkman on a 2 out 2-2 count hits a broken bat single. Then David Freese hits the game winning home run in the 11th.
I was in a bar at the Rio in Vegas and there was an entire family of Rangers fans there. It was fun to watch.
Me and some buddies were watching an extremely famous baseball game in the mid-80’s (not my turn to pick) and were surrounded by fans of each team. We cheered every single play, no matter who did it. We pissed everyone off and then cheered on their team in turn-tis a miracle we didn’t get the shit beaten out of us.
I screamed audibly at several points, especially since I liked Freese (wore the sacred Gilkey #23)
Going to take the National Lacrosse League title game of 2000. It’s the last professional game played at Maple Leaf Gardens and my favoUrite team, The Toronto Rock, won the game with 1 second left on a goal by Kaleb Toth over the Rochester Knighthawks. I remember watching this on TV and it was a great game. Pretty sure it was a sold out game.
Game 7 of the 1979 Stanley Cup Semifinals, Montreal vs. Boston.
Don Cherry’s Bruins taking a too-many-men-on-the-ice penalty in the dying minutes that sets up Guy Lafleur’s game-tying goal. Then Cournoyer scores in OT to win it.
It’s got everything. My favorite team winning. The Montreal Forum. A Boston sports team losing in a legendary screwup. Don Cherry being behind the bench for said screwup. Also two pretty damn good hockey teams.
The Hagler v Hearns fight was a blast on TV can’t imagine what it would be like live.
Bastard
Yup, that’s a winner.
This pick smacks of me getting cute and taking prime Britney Spears while expecting to be able to grab Susannah Hoffs in the second. Yeah Right is taking a BIG chance that something very important to him won’t be on the board when is turn comes around again.
Hoffs still belongs to me. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
A differently-enabled whiz bang kid takes down the 18-0 Patriots. Daycares across the nation erupt into food fights, cries over spilt milk are heard.
I will kill you in your sleep.
Eh, I had a good run…
I can help you dispose of the body (I suggest the Chilean method) 😉
I loved watching Monday Night Football when Cosell was on, to me that is still the greatest sports broadcast team ever, followed closely by Cosell and Bob Uecker doing Monday Night Baseball or whatever it was called.
Game 7 of the 2016 World Series, I think that would have been a fantastic game to attend (better if it had been in Chicago).
… please tell me that’s not a thing that is actually a thing… because WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
only if it is slashfic
No, I mean… even if it’s mud/jello wrestling/fighting…I don’t get the appeal or at “best”, you’d waste two funny and charming (at least from what I’ve seen from Community extras/public appearances) young women to “fight” each other 🙁
Also, I forgot to add my 1st pick for the draft – 26th of May, Year of our Grumblelord 1989 (and yours truly, because I was
hatchedborn scant few days later), Anfield for the Liverpool vs Arsenal final game of the season where Michael Thomas won it for us with his goal in the final seconds of the game 🙂Edit:This –
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5rXQCxV8WI
I’m going to be crazy busy with work, so this will likely be my only pick today. I hereby select:
The World Cup Final of México 70 between Brasil and Italy in Azteca stadium. You had Pelé and some of the greatest Brazilian players of all time in the final of the greatest tournament of all time.
You’re not doing this right.
The whole point of the mock drafts is to blow off work.
Wait, I thought the whole point of these mock drafts is to get laid at work*?! I FEEL CHEATED
*preferably by your spouse you work together with 😀
That was clearly last week’s
Getting people laid should be an ongoing goal, damn it! Also, I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t egg on wifey to join DFO, because … it’d cause an international incident (judging by what I caught her start typing in response to Dunstan’s entry in the draft)