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Your “What Old Is Both New & Useless Again” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

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NFL Nuggets:

  • The big news is that failed NY Met Tim Tebow is joining the Jags as a TE on a one-year contract.
    • Christian Gronk will be competing for the teams #2 spot.
      • Of course, helping is the fact that his old Florida coach Urban Meyer is now in charge.
    • Meanwhile, on the non-white free agent front,

  • The Packers are hosting two quarterbacks during this weekend’s rookie minicamp, Chad Kelly and Kurt Benkert.
    • Kelly is the nephew of Jim Kelly, and stupided himself out of Denver in 2019 after getting arrested for criminal trespass for entering the wrong house while drunk.
      • He was last with the Colts for the start of 2020.
    • Benkert has spent the past three seasons with the Atlanta Falcons’ practice squad.
    • Meanwhile, on the non-second chance sidelines,

  • DK Metcalf ran a totally pedestrian 10.37 seconds in the 100-m Olympic trials qualifier on Sunday in Walnut, CA.
    • He finished ninth in his heat and 15th among the 17 total entrants.
      • The time needed to qualify for Olympic trials was 10.2 or better. USA Track & Field lists 10.05 as the automatic qualifying standard.
    • This whole thing was in response to a tweet the USATF sent out a day after Metcalf ran down Budda Baker.
      • He put up, so they shut up.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • NY Islanders vs Boston – 7:00pm | Sportsnet
    • Dallas vs Chicago – 8:00pm | NBCSN
    • Colorado vs Vegas – 10:00pm | Sportsnet
  • NBA:
    • New Orleans vs Memphis – 8:00pm | NBATV / TSN4
  • MLB:
    • Boston at Baltimore – 7:00pm | Sportsnet1
    • LA Angels at Houston – 8:00pm | ESPN / TSN
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00pm | USA / Sportsnet360

Since last night’s urinal discussion was a big hit, tonight I inform you that the NHL has partnered with Budweiser to be #UpForGoals in time for the playoffs. With that, I give you the annual “Red Light” promotion in time for the playoffs,

which seems like an okay idea until you see the price:

No thanks.

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Gumbygirl

This episode of Hoarders is a rough ride. I would never have the patience to deal with people like that, I would just want to shake them until their insane head falls off.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rageclickbait of the highest order:

<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>Gwyneth Paltrow broke down and ate bread during quarantine. What was your lowest point? <a href=”https://t.co/ZoEBq6IsXG”>https://t.co/ZoEBq6IsXG</a></p>&mdash; Guardian US (@GuardianUS) <a href=”https://twitter.com/GuardianUS/status/1391797727407837187?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>May 10, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>

1
Doktor Zymm

Apparently whitehouse.com is no longer a porn site. This makes me unexpectedly sad

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Sharkbait

Middle school me is devastated.

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Brick Meathook

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Beerguyrob

“Bitch, please.”

— D. Carr, Las Vegas, NV.

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Brick Meathook

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Last edited 4 years ago by Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Gumbygirl

That’s a damn good smoky eye.

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SonOfSpam

Trout just struck out looking, which dropped his average to .365 and I’m sick of this shit and the Angels should cut him.

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Doktor Zymm

Never trust a man named after a fish anyway

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SonOfSpam

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Doktor Zymm

Can’t trust that Wide mouth

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Beerguyrob

It runs in the organization. Artie Moreno loves fish men.

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Senor Weaselo

“We’ll take him!” -Every other team in existence

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Gumbygirl

The Pirates wouldn’t take him, they only pay people in Primanti’s sangwiches and Vitamin I.

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Mr. Ayo

The only important thing is the Astericks lost.

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Doktor Zymm

Hip hop has def changed
https://youtu.be/5ZDUEilS5M4

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Doktor Zymm

https://youtu.be/_shxzlTRK44

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Doktor Zymm

LL Cool J was born James Todd Smith.

1
King Hippo

holy cats he is whiter than ME

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SonOfSpam

Ladies Love Cool James

ladies didn’t say nothin bout Todd

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Gumbygirl

Toooodddd!

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Senor Weaselo

Lizard people.

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Doktor Zymm

I’m an amphibian people

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litre_cola

I identify as equine.

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Doktor Zymm

Useful for pooping in the street and picking up chicks who enjoy riding horses

2
litre_cola

The first one sort of renders the second one moot.

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TheRevanchist

I identify as a trans-planted, carbon based lifeform that produces farm-to-table okra.

Last edited 4 years ago by TheRevanchist
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fuckin’ junkies.

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Mr. Ayo

Then do not check out amphibiousvehicle.net. You might change your mind.

(If you’re at work, that counts double for you)

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’m a sloth.

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Sharkbait

If we’re lizard people, we’re doing a shitty job of running the planet

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m sorry, have we crashed into the sun yet? No? Well then I’d say we’re doing a pretty damned fine job, thank you very much.

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Sharkbait

Earth is built like a steakhouse, but we handle like a bistro

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King Hippo

We really thought we’d win that MN Senate race as a collective write-in smh

1
Doktor Zymm

It’s amazing how much more work I do when it’s actually interesting. Of course that can’t possibly last, but we JUST had a reorg so I should at least have a couple of months before anything mucks it up

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Isn’t red light action cheaper than $220 in an actual red light district?

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litre_cola

Depends what you choose on the menu.

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Doktor Zymm

Probably the country too

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Beerguyrob

And how you score.

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TheRevanchist

Crabs make you pay short term, but herpes are forever.

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Gumbygirl

That’s a fucking Hallmark Card!

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Sharkbait

What are playoffs?

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Beerguyrob

Don’t ask Canucks fans.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Kings fans don’t know what you’re talking about.

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Beerguyrob

They at least have something to show for their past efforts, as opposed to our Cup “participant” banners.

Canucks participant banners.jpg
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ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, at least the Millionaires won something! Yes, I have a Vancouver Millionaires cap.

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Sharkbait

A Rangers beat writer suggested New York go after Alec Martinez in the off season and my right eye began to twitch uncontrollably for no particular reason.

Last edited 4 years ago by Sharkbait
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ballsofsteelandfury

Ha ha ha ha ha!!

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Wakezilla

Just imagine if it goes as well as when the Canucks signed Keenan, Messier, Tikanen, Matteau and company 3 years after the Stanley Cup finals

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Wakezilla

Fantasy sports Scenario for you guys (what should be done?):

End of March/Early April, Commish and players gets email and a notification on the main page from Yahoo hockey stating that the league ends May 8th. Commish doesn’t say anything because Commish assumes all the other players are grown ass men who can read. (All but one person reads it).

A month later, Yahoo changes their mind and says they’ll provide an option to extend the league. Since there’s a Games played max and a roster moves max, the Commish says he won’t extend the league because it wouldn’t be fair to those playing for the 8th deadline. One player loses their shit because all this is news to them, but the rest are indifferent because the league is a formality anyway, as the first place leader, also the commish, has an insurmountable lead.

So after a discussion with everyone, who were mostly indifferent to all of this, it’s decided to end the league on May 8th because it wouldn’t be fair to everyone if the people who played for May 8th, got more games and moves.

So now that the season is over, most of the players are now being dicks about this again and refusing to acknowledge this season and saying they aren’t going to pay the winner.

Am I missing something, or are these guys complaining being little cunts?

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SonOfSpam

I love passing judgment on cunts, which these guys are clearly being.

The 8th should be the end.

2
Wakezilla

Also, fuck Yahoo for opening up Pandora’s box

2
SonOfSpam

I was at a wedding about 15 years ago and there was a very large trans woman named Pandora. Missed a golden opportunity to ask about her box.

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scotchnaut

The fact that money wasn’t collected from everyone at the start of the year (and held by the Commish or some other designated person) tells me this league is garbage right off the hop. I’ve never played in any money league where I didn’t pay up front. The Commish should have last say and disperse money as he sees fit.*

*problem solved going forward

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Wakezilla

Yeah, we’re all really good friends so there’s a trust factor here. Normally, everyone pays up right away, or the first time they see the winner, which is usually within a week or two.

That’s what makes all of this so shocking

Last edited 4 years ago by Wakezilla
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Dunstan

This kind of shit was one of the reasons I stopped playing fantasy sports over a decade ago. The leagues I played in were good for that shit almost annually, probably because it was an office-based league, so you got lawyers writing long emails explaining how they have been wronged by (e.g.) the Commissioner’s failure to set their lineups for them while they were off in Vegas for the weekend.

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Gumbygirl

You must be in Gumby’s league. All lawyers who went to NC State. They are the whiniest tittybabies in the world!

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Wakezilla

This is the first time where I feel like I want to quit playing. This shit housery at our age is ridiculous.

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Doktor Zymm

You’re never too old to be petty as fuck, unfortunately

2
TheRevanchist

Similar situation in a way. We had one of our bros die in the middle of fantasy season. An email was sent to everyone saying, hey, we are going to donate the pot to his family, as they didn’t have a ton of money. That dude was our dude. A hardcore Bucs fan with a great attitude towards life, survived cancer for years before it took his life in his 30’s. I shed a tear or two for him when the Bucs won this last year, and I think most of you can understand why.

So, season ends like 6 weeks later and it was a close season for many. The person who won started in with ‘I didn’t get that email. That’s my money. I’m poor, too.’ Holy shit, that guy was being an ass.

We decided to kick the guy who won out of the league. We gave him his buy-in back and told him to fuck off. And then we took the pot anyway, added more cash, and made sure his family knew someone cared about our friend who died.

It’s hard to even write this. I’m still pissed at the guy we kicked out, and I’m still sad we lost our friend.

So, yes, they are being cunts. It’s a fucking game. The Commish made the ruling mid season and stayed within the guidelines set forth. It’s done.

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Doktor Zymm

Geez, people are shit

2
TheRevanchist

All I know is somewhere up there, he’s looking down at those who were his real friends and shouting, “WHY DO I NOW LOVE TOM BRADY!?”.

3
Sharkbait

Wow. Fuck that guy.

1
Wakezilla

Man, I’m sorry about your deceased friend. That story you just told is rage inducing. People are the worst

1
Gumbygirl

Let’s ask the experts

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herodotus450

Fan: “Hey yeah, I bought this Buffalo Sabres goal light but the bulb is burned out!”
Suspiciously knowledgeable customer support: “How can you tell?”

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herodotus450

Shirley, $220 includes the whole set for every team in the league, right?

0
Beerguyrob

NOPE!

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Beerguyrob

Interesting note – it also doesn’t qualify for the “free shipping over $80” offer.

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herodotus450

You can buy an entire computer monitor for less than 220, and just have it set to nhl.com box scores

3
Brick Meathook

Is the light connected to the internet so that it knows when to light up when your team scores? If so, then it’s also listening to you and probably tracking all your other devices and then the NHL owns your ass.

1
Beerguyrob

As I understand it, from the bars I used to attend back in the Before Time, the lamp synchs to the nhl.com site, so when a goal is registered on their site for the team you support the lamp goes off.

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Sharkbait

Seems like you could build one for less, assuming the NHL API is public

2
Senor Weaselo

Next time you’re in the city we’ll watch a game at Bar Coastal, because I think they have one of those for the Rangers.

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Sharkbait

Done and done. Assuming I’m not at said game

1
scotchnaut

Reporter: “A failed baseball-playing Christian fame whore is learning a new football position at the age of 33-I wonder what the odds are of him making the team?”

Urbane Meyer: [raises monocle to eye] “We’ll certainly factor in his play on the field but the written test, identifying quotes from members of The Algonquin Round Table, will be the deciding factor. We wish him well in his endeavors.”

Last edited 4 years ago by scotchnaut
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Beerguyrob

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scotchnaut

Moneyball is the most recently made movie that I will watch whenever it comes on. I have no explanation and will take no questions. Thank you.

1
Beerguyrob

I can’t remember if I’ve ever told my “Moneyball” story on the site.

Long story very short:

In 2005 I was calling the ball games for the Short Season Single-A affiliate for the A’s. I guess I accidentally started calling some kid’s curve ball a slider one night. The game ended at 10:00. At midnight, I got a phone call in my Eugene, OR motel room from one of the A’s scouts, asking me if this kid had indeed developed this new pitch. I said no & that I must have misspoke. He asked me to be clear with every call & to not misspeak like that again, because that affects a players value to the organization.

The next morning I got a phone call from the team office, asking me not to make that type of mistake again, because they had been yelled at by the A’s front office, and that they didn’t appreciate being woken up to try & find my phone number so the scout could call me to confirm. When the road trip ended & we returned home, I was told I needed to speak to the local SABR authority so the concept of SABRmetrics could be explained to me.

Instead, we talked about his career with the Kansas City A’s & how he was traded to the Yankees in 1970 for Al Dowling.

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scotchnaut

This is the sort of bizarre anecdote that makes this site worth checking out.

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Beerguyrob

It’s no “swimming the Bosporus”, but it’s still something that tangentially makes “Moneyball” a true story to me.

4
SonOfSpam

“Listen, cockbite…how bout YOU do YOUR damn job and teach the kid a fucking slider!”

2
Beerguyrob

Former Padre Craig Lefferts was not a man to be fucked with.
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One year, at the end of season party, he let a few of us take cuts at his 50+ year-old pitches. I hit one of his soft 60 mph straight balls off the outfield fence, and then he proceeded to curveball my ass into the ground, laughing louder each time.

3
SonOfSpam

Awesome. Love stories like that!

0
Doktor Zymm

So they’re using announcers to label their data for them? Handy!

1
Beerguyrob

It’s not like they could count on the Dominican kids to accurately chart pitches. Plus, that $20/day per diem wasn’t free, y’know.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

I was excited about the light until I saw the price. Who the fuck would pay that?

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Now, you stick that light on top of a urinal and make it light up when pee hits the marble, I might be willing to pay that price.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Btw, it’s up to $250 here in the States…

0
SonOfSpam

What if they could connect it to a G-spot?

1
LemonJello

Like that even exists.

3
Doktor Zymm

It would be super easy to set up a target that worked like this, since urine is conductive you would just need a small gap in the circuit at the bullseye

1
Beerguyrob

Exactly!

1
ArmedandHammered

You know Metcalf did not go all out. After all, the Olympics don’t pay anything and if he gets hurt doing the Olympics gig, he’s going to get cut so fast it would break the speed of light.

1
Brick Meathook

CELLY?

WTF?

1
ArmedandHammered

I think that is neo-hipsterism for celebration or wiping your ass with celery, never can tell with the kids today. As long as they stay off my lawn, they can make up all the words they want.

3
Beerguyrob

It’s trying to make hockey hip for the Tikkity Tokkers.
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1
litre_cola

I fucking hate those damn commercials so much.

1
Beerguyrob

“WHAT A CELLY!”

0
SonOfSpam

I thought it was slang for the guy you gotta blow so that you don’t get stabbed.

6
King Hippo

Somebody noes his Oz!

1
SonOfSpam

Haven’t had an erection since the show ended.

2
King Hippo

It lives on in our hearts, every time we see White Nationalist Schillinger do an ad for Farmers Insurance.

1
Beerguyrob

Or Stabler arrests another perp on Law & Order – Criminal Intent.

1
yeah right

The only thing even remotely as moronic as the word “celly” is the fact that they’re trying to convince me that the perfect food for watching a hockey game is a bowl of fucking Frosted Flakes.

Jesus, NHL.

Marketing is hard!

3
Beerguyrob

I had to find the picture, because if I tried to explain it you never would have believed it.

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