We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:
Copa América (South American Euros)
Euro 2020 (European Euros aka defiers of the space/time continuum)
CONCACAF Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games
And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020! Obligatory Hippo Speak – they’s still teh European Euros to me. No, the Golden Shower Cup does not get – or deserve – the North American Euros moniker (or your attention). There are only THREE legitimate Euros – South American, European, and Afrikan.
Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok?
From now until the tourney starts, we’ll be giving you previews for every country in Euro 2020, DFO-style, of course. We will also provide previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.
Euro 2020 will be broadcast in English on ESPN in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and TVA has the French language rights in Canada.
Today’s team (and YES, this takes the place of MOAR generic Lesser coverage, since the Prem season ended Thursday night) is:
Finland!
Naturally, I wish to infer something Confederate about this. Like, haven’t you EVAR wondered why teh Klan never covered “Southern Cross” against the backdrop of a wacky blooper reel? Ah noe ah have.
Country Fun Facts
It’s not really fun, but I just finished a WWII “historical fiction” set in Sweden. Turns out, them plucky Swedes also dabbled in…racial/ethnic purity research. And it apparently involved treating the Finns like, I dunno, the Mexicans of Scandinavia. NAWT KEWL, Sweden!
Of course, this gentleman also had designs on Finland, and its Baltic ports:
.
Helsinki is surely the only Finnish city you have heard of. Place your bets as to whether Rikki or Litre got laid there MOAR frequently. Betting on quirkily named sides in the Veikkausliiga is a fun and easy way to lose lots of moneys. RoPS (aka “Pushing RoPS”) and KuPS (aka “Two Girls, One KuPS”) are probably my favoUrites. Probably should ship some more moneys into me Bovada account. What could go wrong??
Team Schedule
Finland is technically the 2nd “seed” in Group B – but clearly less accomplished than Denmark, Belgium (especially them), and even the Rooskies. This is Finland’s very first European Euros appearance, and breaking one’s cherry usually doesn’t feel so great. el schedule:
Sabado, 12 June – Noon EST (we use REAL MURRIKAN time in this here post) v. Denmark (Copenhagen)
Miércoles, 16 June – 9:00a v. Russia (St. Petersburg)
Lunes, 21 June – 3:00p v. Belgium (also St. Petersburg)
Finland is currently 54th in the FIFA rankings, and their all-time peak was 33rd.
Team Preview / Top Players
You have heard of exctly one player, Norwich City’s Teemu Pukki. Be like Homer in that Itchy & Scratchy pitch meeting, always be aking Hey? Where’s Pukki?? and you’ll be fine. Their Keeper turns out in Italy’s Serie B, and has consecutive “aa’s with dots” in his name. I’mma root for that dude.
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Finnish Women”
would you just LOOK at those goddamned shoulders!!!!
Be careful not to carelessly search “hot Finns” in case you get on this guy’s mailing list:
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Finnish Food”
No shit, hot dog soup – and HUZZAH, they sure seem Confederate now... I mean, I mostly expected sommet made of fish heads?
Hippo, have you ever been to this country?
No, I am a recluse.
Why you should root for this country
You are the last human alive not tired of Pukki Party!!!11111 memes.
You desire mighty vengeance upon Sweden.
The match against Russia could be delightfully violent.
Why you should NOT root for this country
Hot. Dog. SOUP.
You like summers longer than nine days.
You are a Russian spambot/chaos agent.
You have enough disappointment in your life already.
Ennusteita
These poor fuckers are boned. Play the 2nd best side – Denmark – in fucking Denmark. THEN, fly across everal time zones to play the one beatable opponent – Russia – in fucking Russia.
That 2nd match is on semi-short rest, even. But have no fear, our plucky Finns get an extra day off to sleep off their jetlag…in time to get their shit pushed in by Belgium. Or Belgium’s U23’s, assuming they have already sewn up the group.
Oh well, there’s always this great moment in Finnish Olympics history!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDmAk4i7pM4
Thank you, Feenlund, I love you!!
I need to find out how my mom made hers, it was good, probably because she added a lot of bacon on top.
I’ve never had/been subjected to a green bean or tuna casserole in the entire of my life. I’m sure there are ‘good’ ones out there but I feel like I’ve dodged a culinary bullet.
My mother made a squash casserole that still makes me nauseous every time I think of it.
Another question for the crowd:
Tuna casserole yes or no?
Of course.
Hell yes. Give me the crispy potato chips on top and everything.
I go one step beyond. I make white trash macaroni and cheese. Velveeta shells and cheese, add some mayo and dijon to it, and tuna, green and black sliced olives, onion, mushrooms, and chopped up hot pepper rings. Bung it all together, bake it for a while with crushed potato chips. It is waaaaaaay better than it sounds, I promise.
I may have another planned dinner for this week.
You will thank me later.
Ma did traditional. Cooked egg noodles mixed with cream of mushroom soup, maybe some shredded cheese if times weren’t too tight. She also added a handful of frozen peas, topped with potato chips and baked.
There were never leftovers with both parents and 4 savage boys attacking any food item set in front of them.
And there was always a loaf of bread and butter to fill out the empty spaces in the belly.
Inspired by Horatio-
The worst meal Mom ever made (on a regular basis) was over-cooked macaroni with (the drinkable kind of) tomato sauce. If we were lucky [shudders in hindsight] Cheez Whiz and pepper were added.
/yes, it filled the belly
//we were so damn poor after the divorce
My mom made spaghetti once with this stuff called Spatini ( I think?) It was powdered tomato sauce,you added water. This was during the Apollo moon missions, everything was freeze dried. Sooooo gross!
OMG they still make it! It isn’t freeze dried tomato sauce, just freeze dried cheese and seasoning,you added tomato paste and water. But every bit as disgusting as I remember!
TANG!
My mom made this thing. It was a hamburger flavored with mustard and ketchup and wrapped in a pancake and baked.
It hurt my brain but I ate it.
All this hot dog talk. We should do a pole on Friday to see how many of us succumbed this week.
I am in. I am willing to bet at least 75% of us will be putting on the dog!
I have no less than two dinners planned. Velveeta may be involved in one or both of them.
We’re grilling hot dogs tonight.
Hold the mayo.
The mayo has already been held today. You’re good.
Given up on Very Disappointing Everton so thoroughly that I want West Ham to win.
Apologies FOAR teh jinx, Fronk
Yeh. They fucked it aaaaaaall up.
Out of sheer morbid curiosity I had to browse recipes for hot dog soup. There are a terrifying number of them.
I clicked on one and the first ingredient read “1 pound hot dog.”
The next ingredient was margarine and I couldn’t close that site fast enough after that.
Goddamn, I’m gonna need some blistering hot Thai food to get that visual out of my head.
Growing up my mother made something called “hot dog casserole” which was hot dogs, (probably boiled), macaroni, and a bag of frozen vegetables all mixed up with mayonaisse. I fucking loved it.
I was describing to my horrified wife once and my kids’ heads popped over the edge of the couch, like prairie dogs on high alert, demanding to know more about it, and could they have some. Like, right now.
So I scrounged up the ingredients and went into the kitchen and made it, (except I grilled the hot dogs; gotta have some standards), and the kids loved it. Me, as an adult? It’s pretty damn gross. But if you have young kids and need them to eat and shut up, have at it.
Spaghetti with hot dogs is a time-honored tradition in many households, including mine.
I think the mayo is what did it in for me as an adult, and probably why I loved it as a kid. I used to put mayo on everything, now I can’t stand it.
I deem thee an honoUrary Cincinnatan. Get your commemorative My Little Pony figurine at the front desk.
And don’t forget to hold your nose/swallow your vomit while voting Democrat!
The sad truth is, if you put enough cheese on it, kids will eat anything. Except the ones that only eat chicken nuggets. Monsters!
My mom did the dreaded “Beanie Weenie Casserole.” It was cut up hot dogs mixed into a can of pork and beans, covered with that Kraft parmesan cheese dust and baked until bubbly.
I could still eat a serving. Don’t tell anyone.
Beenie weenies were Gumby’s favorite midrats. Midnight rations for the non -nautical.
Hot dog soup is an abomination. I smite the shit out of it! If I weren’t glued to the couch I would get up and make something delicious with potatoes, but alas. And alack. And 47 cops.
How about hot dog pasta?
https://twitter.com/ramseyboltin/status/1391397130363936771
Love how she cuts the block of “cheese” with scissors!
Thanks, I am having flashbacks to all the times my mother considered Velveeta as an acceptable cheddar substitute. Goddamn Velveeta tacos, would rather eat Taco Bell.
Add some of this deliciousness
I have questions/concerns about these youngsters and their “meat.” First, the name- are they both called Tom? That could be confusing. And what the freaking fuck are those hats? Are they human hearts? With a green feather stuck in them? And Camp Pie? I’m 99% sure this is Hobo Meat, we need a ruling from Scotchy. It would explain the heart hats!
I thought Tom Piper was the dad, and these two are his twins. Probably named Todd and Duncan.
Also, are they implying that the twins are tasty?
I believe they are. Also, if you enlarge the picture, there are two very mysterious and sinister implements up there hiding by the lettuce. They look like they have propellers on the end. What the hell are those things!! And it looks like there might be some velveeta
rectangles camoflauged on the yellow plate. Was it cut with scissors? So many questions.
Ma also made the hot dog crescent roll ups. Pillsbury crescent roll wrapped around a hot dog that was split and has a slice of American cheese in the middle.
Ate above my weight class with those.
I put a schmear of pesto on those before I roll them up, because I am fancy.
So, hear me out. Lately, I’ve been buying a lot of instant ramen from different countries as they have very interesting flavours and I like experimenting and I like pasta. Typically, I add frozen veggies and frozen pre-cooked chicken breast to provide a little more nutrition/protein.
One day, I didn’t have the chicken, so I cut up a hot dog and added it to the ramen soup.
The result was brilliant. Don’t knock it ’til you try it.
I have a feeling that the quality of the hotdogs matters. I mean a Boarshead all beef hot dog will taste a lot better than a store brand hot dog.
That’s absolutely true. For some reason, my parents have been really into hot dogs lately, so I make sure to buy good quality ones.
A grilled Nathan’s requires zero apologies.
I top mine with my homemade Texas chili and aged English cheddar.
Why I written about that yet? Shit, I could bake my own hot dog buns and everything…
“I get it. You like lotsa Salt. Who doesn’t?”
-Pepa
Me, getting home from the gym, looking forward to lunch, walking the dog, then commencing the drinky-drinky motions.
My Wife: /Has two yards of mulch delivered.
“Two Yards of Mulch” sounds like a failed C&W band that plays “Achy-Breaky Heart” when the pregnant bride wants to do a line dance with her high school besties.
I’ve been to that wedding.
[lowers glasses]
“Was it white?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAZQaYKZMTI&ab_channel=BillyIdolVEVO
Trash, yes.
Just this morning in response to an “incident” when I set the power level wrong I was thinking I should start a band called Oatmeal Explosion.
“Mulch day” was probably the most hellish moment(s) of my doomed marriage.
I still get worked up remembering how I could do the family’s laundry all week – on my own, without making a production of it – but watch FITBAW while the wife invents some stupid yard/garden activity that she will lose interest in before the job is finished…and I am just a horrible, lazy, no-good husband.
Okay, this next short is Xmas-themed. Maybe I’ll get a full frontal of Mrs. Claus? Most depictions see her as quite buxom. [crosses fingers]
Somebody’s definitely going on the naughty list this year.
I think Scotchy is going to be left hung out to dry with no nudity whatsoever. FALSE ADVERTISING!
I wonder how much of Apple’s fortune is built on the backs of people (cough cough, looks in the general direction of the Dr. Mrs.) who pay top dollar for magnificent machines that they then primarily use to screen Sydney Cummings workout videos.
I post dick jokes on a blog from a MacBook Pro, so I’m clearly not part of the problem.
One of my uncles was a first generation Finn. Also a nice guy when he wasn’t drunk. Unfortunately, he was always drunk. To his credit, he got on the AA thing and it worked for him, spent the last 25 years of his life sober. He was an asshole about anyone bringing beer to family picnics, and everyone would tell him to shut up, he was the one with the drinking problem.
Eat shit, VAR
Amen to that.
“Eat shit, VAR? Yes!”
-Two Girls, One FA Cup
Hey, Love, Death and Robots has new episodes and has a warning for nudity-I’m going in! See you on the other side!
No nudity yet-total rip job so far.
I assumed it would just be the robots. But they’re nude in everything.
The “Train/Monster” vignette is all of my anxiety dreams committed to film.
This cup final is a big bowl of hotdog soup.
And the Lakers/Pacers tilt is a plate of Hakarl.
Best reason to cheer for Finland is that they gave us a single word for the DFO ethos:
The Finnish Have a Word for Drinking at Home in Your Underwear | FN Dish – Behind-the-Scenes, Food Trends, and Best Recipes : Food Network | Food Network
I’m totally Kalsarikannitting it right now!
This makes me warm and turgid in my crotch area-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKptqeqkcdA&ab_channel=SecretBase
Whhhelp, taking off with the good wife Reefer to get Moderna jab #2. Gettin’ all vaxxed up. Wooty Woo.
Yay you!
“Is… is that a free bird?” [lifts lighter tentatively]
-Skynyrd fan
Not sure. Could be caged. Is it singing?
—Maya Angelou
It’s the album cover from “Till the Medicine Takes” (Widespread Panic)
Seemed apt
Back with an achy shoulder. Time for some pedialite, a bong hit, and some curls…
I’m really interested in that beach game the girl seems to be playing…
inorite???
I’ve never been to Helsinki, much less gotten laid there. I did have sex with a Finnish girl but that was in Amsterdam.
STILL COUNTS!
I’ve finished* with several girls, does that count?
*prematurely
Again with the shoulders…
Fulham are certainly going out on their shields.
Unfortunately like two days ago. This ‘effort’ against Southhampton is shite.
Gave up after the Wolves debacle. My concentration is noe on SecsiMexi playoffs.
Finnish postage stamps:
What are we supposed to do with this Burnley/Leeds game? Like, watch it or something?
Eh, what else are ya gonna do with it?
/sleeps until 10
OR, one could wrap up the 2099-2100 Pretend Premiership title, 6-nil at home to Chelski. Playing like 7 third-stringers.
When was the last time you felt the sun on your face?
that’s just absolute MADNESS good sir!
The Finns need a large banner featuring a portrait of Simo “Simuna” Häyhä behind their bench during the Russia matchup.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simo_H%C3%A4yh%C3%A4
The best line I ever read about Hayha, I think on the mother-site years ago, was something like “I don’t know how he was such a good sniper: you’d think the constant clanking of his giant brass balls would give him away.”
It’s a shame they don’t have a striker good enough to have “Simuna” as a nickname.
Stop pre-reading my Russia post!
Strong preview!