Good morning. As with most authors of these posts, I am stealing the format that has come before me.

We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:

• Copa América
• Euro 2020
• CONCACAF Gold Cup
• Tokyo Olympic Games

And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020!

Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok?

From now until the tourney starts, we’ll be giving you previews for every country in Euro 2020, DFO-style, of course. We will also provide previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.

Euro 2020 will be broadcast in English on ESPN in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and TVA has the French language rights in Canada. I don’t have the handy schedule embedded because by this point you should be so deeply invested in the tournament you cannot wait for it to begin.

Today’s team is: Sweden

Country ‘Fun’ Facts:

Sweden as a country has existed since roughly 1280, when King Magnus Ladulås issued a statute authorizing the establishment of a nobility and the organization of society on the feudal model. The new kingdom’s consolidated power led to its participation in the Hanseatic League, which it dominated until the Black Plague of 1350 precipitated an economic decline.

A rebound occurred after the crowns of Denmark, Norway and Sweden were united under the rule of the Danish Queen Margaretain 1389. In 1397, the Kalmar Union was formed, with the three Scandinavian countries under a single monarch. Sweden’s participation in that union lasted until 1523, when Sweden broke away from the Union in response to the “Stockholm Bloodbath” of 1520, when the then-Danish holder of the crown ordered 80 Swedish nobles killed because they were part of anti-Unionist groups opposed to Danish kings. (It reads like a “Red Wedding” kind of thing.)

Sweden started to become the Sweden we know under the reign of Gustav Vasa (1523-60), and after that period Sweden made its territorial goal the conquest of the Baltic, leading to its participation (1630) in the Thirty Years’ War (1618-48) on the side of the German Protestants, and gaining territories in Finland, the Baltic Republics, and northern Germany. Defeating Denmark in the two wars of 1643–45 and 1657–58 led to further territorial conquest and dominance of the Baltic region as a whole.

However, its stay on top was vulnerable due to its geography and reliance on trade. Sweden’s defeat in the Great Northern War (1700–21) against the combined forces of Denmark, Poland and Russia lost Sweden most of its provinces on the other side of the Baltic Sea and reduced it to essentially the same frontiers as present-day Sweden and Finland. Further territorial losses occurred during the Napoleonic Wars, when Sweden surrendered Finland to Russia. As compensation, the French marshal Jean Baptiste Bernadotte, who had been elected heir to the Swedish throne in 1810, succeeded in obtaining Norway, which was forced into a union with Sweden in 1814. A shotgun wedding, if you will.

The 20th Century brought forth the Sweden we all are taught to admire. Universal suffrage was introduced for men in 1909 and for women in 1921. The 1920s saw the birth of the Swedish Ice Hockey Association, the defeat of a Prohibition referendum, and the passage of the Behörighetslagen – a “Competence Law” which formally guaranteed men and women equal right to all public professions and positions in society. (It was rescinded in 1945 in favour of legislative reforms.) The Volvo car manufacturing company was founded in Gothenburg in 1927, as a subsidiary to the Swedish ball bearing factory AB SKF. (Svenska Kullagerfabriken – literally “Swedish Ball Bearing Factory”.) Plans for a welfare state were drawn up during the 1930s after the Social Democrats rose to power, and put into effect after World War II – leading to the creation of the modern Swedish welfare state.

Aside from the health care, the high taxes of legend pay for the “free university” that your newly socialist friend won’t stop talking about. What that ignorant arrogance doesn’t  – or won’t – talk about are the large piles of student debt Swedish students build up due to the cost of living in Stockholm and the cultural institution of moving out on your own at age 18. About 23% of the population have a bachelor’s degree, and 41% have at least two years of tertiary education, resulting in a large percentage of the population having to leave Sweden to find suitable employment. (In comparison, almost 32% of Americans have at least a Bachelor’s degree, and 45% have at least two years.) Fortunately, the country’s modern empire building has progressed surprisingly well, giving those talented Inga’s & Ingmar’s desirous of pushing their fortunes abroad an outlet for their economic advancement.

Also, they switched to driving on the right side of the road on September 3, 1967. It did not go well.

ABBA, despite its tincture of disco, should be a favourite of the Republican/”Don’t Tread On Me” crowd, what with the band members being Swedish individuals but the “band” being a corporate entity to avoid high personal income taxes. (These rates peaked in 1979, with personal income tax rates of 90% and corporate rates at 55%.) Official salaries paid by the ABBA Corporation to the individual band members for their employ, for example, quoted to the Swedish tax authorities in 1975, were: Björn $76,000; Agnetha $61,000; Anni-Frid $52,000; Benny $77,000. Also, their stage costumes served an economic purpose. Swedish tax laws of the day allowed the cost of their costumes to be deducted against income tax, but only if they were considered “wild” enough that they could not be worn for everyday use. They took the existing laws & made them work to their benefit.

Even as recently as 2008, Björn Ulvaeus (the guy on the right) beat back a tax evasion charge that would have cost him $11.5 million USD, because the Swedish government accused him of hiding in offshore accounts all royalties earned outside Sweden between 1998-2003.

During the Cold War, currencies from behind the Iron Curtain were embargoed, and therefore not available to exchange. However, because ABBA was quite popular in the Soviet states, with their records available for sale because they were from Sweden – a neutral country – they instead received their royalty payments from the Soviet Union in oil commodities. (This was quite lucrative, as the Soviet Union was a net oil exporter in the 1970s as they looked to cash in on high oil prices to provide them with tradeable currency or exchange of goods. By 1982, oil exports accounted for 60% of the country’s foreign exchange earnings. It also precipitated their economic collapse under Gorbachev & the end of the USSR by 1991.) At their commercial zenith in the late ‘70s Abba were reputedly second only to Volvo in their contribution to Sweden’s exports. As of 2018, Forbes estimated ABBA’s net worth at $2.0 billion, with each member being worth at least $100 million thanks to their retention of all songwriting royalties & projects like “Mamma Mia!”

^{(Source, except where noted.)}

Team Schedule:

Sweden is in Group E with Poland, Slovakia & Spain. All times Eastern:

• Sweden vs Spain – June 14 (3:00pm, Seville)
• Slovakia vs Sweden – June 18 (9:00am, St Petersburg)
• Sweden vs Poland – June 23 (Noon, St. Petersburg)

Team Preview / Top Players:

Zlatan!

Easily the most famous footballer ever to come from Sweden, Zlatan Ibrahi– Ohh…oh – he has a knee injury? He’s just been ruled out of the tournament?

Okay, besides him… umm…

Well, there’s Zlatan’s friend Jordan Larsson,

Zlatan’s friend Sebastian Larsson,

Zlatan’s teammate Jesper Karlsson,

Zlatan’s friend Viktor Claesson,

Zlatan’s friend Robin Olsen,

Zlatan’s friend Kristoffer Olsson,

Zlatan’s friend Pontus Jansson,

Zlatan’s teammate Karl-Johan Johnsson,

Zlatan’s teammate Joakim Nilsson,

Zlatan’s friend Ludwig Augustinsson,

Zlatan’s teammate Pierre Bengtsson,

Zlatan’s friend Robin Quaison,

and, of course, Zlatan’s best friend, Zlatan.

I’m sure they’ll be fine.

Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot [Country] food”:

The original Costco hotdog – the IKEA food court.

Expected Female Objectification:

Long before Bud Light was #UpForAnything, there was Old Milwaukee and the Swedish Bikini Team.

But, of course, that’s simple North American objectification. There are actual Swedes rooting for their actual team.

^{“Most of them for Zlatan.” – Zlatan}

Beerguy, Have you ever been to this country?

I have not. The closest I’ve physically been to Sweden is Copenhagen. Otherwise, billeting some Swedish hockey players back in the 80s is the most I’ve ever been immersed in the culture.

Why you should root for this country:

A. You hate Spain.

2. You love seeing the letter “S” in a person’s name.

π. Their lack of melanin appeals to your antebellum nature.

IV. Their Metal scene is beyond compare.

Why you should not root for this country:

1. Their ‘easy to assemble’ furniture has frustrated you for decades.

B. Despite modern lurches to the right, you fundamentally oppose socialism in any form.

III. Zlatan’s removal from the team was too late for you to change the theme of your preview.

Δ. Sure – ABBA is eternal, but Sweden also gave us Ace of Base, Europe, and Rednex.

That shit cannot be forgiven.

Förebud:

They should finish second in the group. Spain is the clear group frontrunner but, because they play each other first, Sweden could surprise them. They have a young team that isn’t as awed by Spain as some of the veterans might be, which might encourage them to go for broke rather than play a more tactical game. Even a tie would be a victory, as it would force both teams to have to play for goal differential to determine first place, meaning games in this group could finish with ridiculous scores. That can’t help but make it more fun to watch, even without the great man himself scoring one of his patented highlight reel goals. Zlatan?