We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:
Copa América (South American Euros)
Euro 2020 (European Euros aka defiers of the space/time continuum)
CONCACAF Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games
And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020! Obligatory Hippo Speak – they’s still teh European Euros to me. No, the Golden Shower Cup does not get – or deserve – the North American Euros moniker (or your attention). There are only THREE legitimate Euros – South American, European, and Afrikan.
Who shall carry Los Sudamericano Euros en los Estados Unidos? TUDN en epanol, various Fox Sports entities en ingles. El schedulo es ahora.
Today’s team (and YES, this takes the place of MOAR generic Lesser coverage, since the Prem has descended into bullshit, and no games until tomorrow anyway) is:
Chile!
Don’t mess with Southern-est Texas, amirite??
Country Fun Facts
It’s pretty much all defined by this fucking asshole:
Thanks in no small part to our delightful American intelligence appartus – which just could not STAND a Monroe Doctrine qualifying nation freely electing a full-on Socialist (footsie with full Communist), the above-pictured motherfucker led a coup. Over the next 17 years, hordes of folks were detained without any form of legitimate trial, because they were leftist, too intelligent, and/or looked at some precursor-of-Trump-Train-enthusiast wrong. During my recent read of Rick Perlstein’s excellent (and LONG) book series about the conservative movement – Murrika’s bicentennial included a “Tall Ships” regatta. Chile sent along one of Pinochet’s infamous torture ships to participate. Not subtle, these.
My university drinking buddy (we both started at NC State in 1991) was Chilean. His professor/scientist folks both fled (thankfully pre-torture), setlling in Northern Virginia to work for the federal government. My buddy naturalized somewhere around 1996, and is a damned proud American citizen. Fortunately, he and his family can now freely visit the land of his birth, which is both stunning and now very politically left/tolerant. At his second wedding, instead of Bible verses, his (and his wife’s) sisters read poems by this guy:
To this day, it was the coolest wedding I have attended. Their dog participated, as well.
Rod(rigo) also claimed, during his time at NC State, to have invented a drink he called “Rod’s Old-Fashioned Sour Patch Kids.” But these delights (which will also REALLY fuck you the fuck up) are actually Chile’s very famous national drink – the pisco sour.
Man, what you could get away with pre-internet. And yes, Rod and I were renowned for being the best drunken card game players in our West Raleigh circle. Because we cheated. Rampantly. Did y’all play “asshole,” or was that just a local, drunken card game?
Team Schedule
Chile is in Group A – which is both muy dificil and TOTES full of Guays:
Domingo, 13 June – Chile v. Argentina (5:00p EST, FS2/TUDN)
Jueves, 17 June – Chile v. Bolivia (5:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)
Domingo, 20 June – Chile v. Uruguay (4:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)
Miércoles, 23 June – Chile v. Paraguay (8:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)
Team Preview / Top Players
38-year old Demigod Claudio Bravo is back in the side, and will captain things. But he is the last ember of Chile’s “Golden Generation” still playing. Alexis Sanchez, and that mohawk Vidal guy are retired from international play. I mean, they’ll score MOAR than the hapless Bolivians, but not much. Only one other player even turns out in Europe – and that’s with doormat (and frequent Hippo GAMBLOR tribute!) Valladolid.
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Chilean Women”
Oh my. And YES, Rod’s sisters were smoking hot, and NO, it never crossed either of our minds tht he might set me up with one.
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Chilean Food”
That’s a churrasco steak sandwich. I’d get mine without all that sauce and cheese, obvs. But Sudamericano sesoned beef is absolutely to die for.
Hippo, have you ever been to this country?
No, I am a recluse.
Why you should root for this country
Because FUCK Pinochet. Viva Allende!
You have seen and/or read The Motorcycle Diaries
If they win it, Hippo pledges to ACTUALLY travel there, not just daydream of it (NOTE – remember, as noted above – Hippo is muy excelente el liar)
Why you should NOT root for this country
You are Argentine. Man, do those cats NOT like one another!
You think torture and authoritarianism have an unfairly tarnished reputation
You want to make a GAMBLOR offering, root for it, and not hopelessly
Ennusteita (Hippo Liked the Finnish Word):
I mean, they’ll make it to the knockout phase – after an opening match thrashing at the hands of the host nation, there are points to be won. For fuck’s sake, 8 out of the 10 participants wll do so. As you will see in both the European y Sudamerciano Euros, watered-down brackets have made it almost impossible for a non-shitty side to miss the knockout round. Participation trophy amirite smh.
After that? Likely trying to play for pennos against one of the Group B heavyweights, and failing.
Carrol O’Connor Alert!
Archie from that super old sitcom has made an appearance!
One of my favorite work friends is Chilean, from Valpo, and was excited to find out I had been there and loved it. How can you not love a port city with amazing street art and loads of funiculars? When I end up living in Long Chile I will welcome my new overlords and their delicious versions of hot dogs.?ssl=1
I for one would like to see all the quadrilateral states team up and DO SOMETHING, for once.
El Bok* got his comeuppance.
*what I suggested he call himself when he told me he was interested in getting into ‘the rap game’.
ANGIE DICKINSON ALERT!
/rumoUr has it that her shoulders were complete dynamite!
LLOYD BOCHNER ALERT!
/he read a book while sitting next to me. Maybe it was a script. It was a long time ago.
Altman gets all the credit for overlapping dialogue but it appears as though John Boorman got there first.
Since so many players get injured throughout the year, why don’t they simply have the playoffs at the beginning of the season?
“I’m intrigued by your ideas. Can I steal them, give you no credit whatsoever, implement them, make billions of hot dollars and sue you into bankruptcy if you dare make a peep regarding my actions?”
-Roger Goodell
“Point Blank” is just starting on TCM-the Tomatoes site gives it 92%.
Lloyd Bochner has a part! I sat beside him on a flight between Vancouver and Toronto when I was 14!
12 minutes to Bochner.
Shoutout to my neighbour. He was out there puttering around in the yard as usual today. My best memory of him is he and his younger brother getting into a messy brawl with another set of brothers. Tables were uplifted, chairs were thrown, shirts were taken off, police were called*-just a fantastic small town goofarama back in the day.
*no arrests of course because ‘boys will be boys’
This paints a VERY different picture of Scotchnaut-ville than the one I imagined, a debonair place full of smoking clubs, clean streets, and on-time fruit delivery.
*no arrests of course because ‘boys will be boys’
And no gundowns because Canada and not black?
I almost bought this album for the cover alone. You don’t see “Chet Huntley” and “comedy” together very often.
. . . and the comedy stylings of Governor Adlai E. Stevenson II. This man could slay ‘em, folks.
Chile is a beautiful country with great tasting food and has a ton of gorgeous women. I’d live there if I could.
With that said, their last generation of lesser footy players can go get fucked. Those guys were some dirty SOBs
My only issue with living in Chile? I have enough neck trouble as is.
Netflix Rec:
Synchronic has an interesting time travel premise. Worthy of a looky-loo.
Atlético are champions!!!
GOOD JERB, least asshole-ish of the Big Three!
Thomas Partey is going to go slit his wrists tonight. Has there ever been that large of a downgrade after a transfer?
First day of 90 degrees and humidity here in CT.
Thanks, I hate it.
will never understand how some folk LOVE summer weather
I actually do, but the first two days suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Right back at you Brother Hippo. I can and have been able to handle heat but fuck no on the humidity.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have 67 degree and 10% humidity sunny weather to take a walk in.
especially with DAT OCEAN BREEZE
Those people are Judas sheep, they’re in the pay of the mosquitos to try and lure us outside
On the best Everton message board, this was the lead/Administrator post for tomorrow’s match against City:
Positives:
– Less than a week before the champions league final means that they may not play their best side or with their usual intensity.
– We’re much better away than at home.
– We’ve been strong against the better teams this season.
Negatives:
– Everton
Not incorrect.
Not a single Scouser criticized the pessimism. Mostly just brainstorming as to the most creative “Everton, that” final day outcome.
It was noted that Everton set the record for most points (72, Roberto Martinez’ magical first season) for a team NOT to qualify for Shempions League. In fact, we didn’t even come that close, as 4th position Arsenal bagged 79.
In the year that Leicester won the League? 72 would have gotten you 2nd.
Negatives;
Some hoser in Canada calls Everton, Disappointing Everton for a reason
ahem, don’t forget the VERY
The real home of the half-smoke:
Nobody else can has MLB alignment plans? What about NFL??
The fog machine is getting some extra work in this here movie.
/they’re also doing, “what’s a dream, what’s reality?”. I’m guessing she ends up in Crazytown.
When Rikki and Litre wake up, they will hopefully tell us ribald tales of all the Chilean strange they had Christian Conversation with.
Never dabbled with a Chilean but have had a conversation with an Argentine from Patagonia. Fiery!
Currently trying to delay pilling up OR playing Footy Manager until noon. Any of y’all al-kee-HAWL aficianados have any advice on how to deal with the crippling waiting room boredom??
*puts down freezer vodka*
No.
1- Go to Taco Bell
2- Order a large Baja Blast
3- drink about a half inch
4- add 1 to 2 shots of banana rum.
5- Stir
6- Realize life is fucking beautiful.
1 and 6 are absolute HERESY, good sir!
The only problem is you can’t get Mountain Dew Baja Blast anywhere else. If that’s all you order, no one would blame you.
This drink will get you girl drunk drunk faster than you can say Liverpool can suck a dick.
Hippo’s problem is that he’d have to leave the house.
THIS GUY gets it!!
/also, oldest HippoSpawn worked at Taco Bell before she had a drivers license – the stench of that kid coming off her shift? Windows down even if 20 or 90 degrees out.
Chores and walkies for me.
/also a huge fan of watching a terrible movie on Sat. mornings-today it’s The Turning, it’s absolute garbage.
THAT should have been the mundane superpower I picked – being able to enjoy garbage TV for what it is.
Here is Hippo’s official MLB plan:
Barack Division:
Mets
Nationals
Phillies
Pie-rats
BravesNoOfence
Marlins
Expo-Rays
Lakers (expansion team for Charlotte)
Michelle Division:
#BFIB
Bastard Man Small Bears
Reds
Brewers
White Sox
Royals
Rockies
Blue Jays
Sasha Division:
Mariners
Dirt Timbers (expansion team for Portlandia)
Dodgers
Giants
Padres
Angels
Diamondbacks
As
Malia Division:
Yankees
Red Sox
Rangers
Twins
IndiansNoOfence
Tigers
Astros
Orioles
No. Who? Me.
No. Who? You.
No. Who? 3.
DRINK!!!!!!
My favoUrite rule, as President (while playing Asshole) – no motherfucking goddamned swearing!
a close 2nd is “no touching your face”
Only drink with your left hand
That game started more fights in my dorm than anything else I can remember.
of COURSE, it was UConn, everyone was asshole enough to begin with!
And yes, asshole was played in SoCal when we were young.
Though Quarters was the game of choice. Thumper a distant second.
We also had quarters. Required too much manual dexterity for me, even without boozy-booze. Thumper is new to Hippo.
You’ve seen it on Beerfest though we were playing it way before that movie.
https://drinkinggamezone.com/drinking-games/thumper/
Hippo never has seen Beerfest
🤦♂️
How is that possible???
see also: Eurotrip
You’ve never seen Eurotrip either??
I’m halfway tempted to mail you the DVD of the Unrated version featuring more floppy dicks than you’d ever want to see in your life…
As someone who SOLELY AND EXCLUSIVELY looks at lesbian “adult cinema” – that is correct if the number is 1+
I think MLB should add 2 teams, and go to 4 divisions. Name them Barack, Michelle, Sasha, and Malia (unlike the NHL’s corporate abortion).
Since it’s MY IDEA, Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals get to play in the Michelle Division.
The West shall always and forever be the Smythe.