Listen all! This is the truth of it. Fighting leads to killing, and killing gets to warring. And that was damn near the death of us all. Look at us now! Busted up, and everyone talking about COVID Variants! But we’ve learned, by the dust of them all… DFO learned. Now, when teams get to fighting, it happens here! And it finishes here! Two teams enter; one team leaves!
And then the other team leaves. No one’s actually gonna die unnecessarily. It’s preseason football, not Florida.
It’s been a long strange Spring and Summer since the Super Bowl. We laughed! We cried! We got jabbed in the arm so that bunkering in our homes being antisocial was optional instead of mandatory! The draft came and went, several big trades were made, the Texans became the Greatest Shitshow on Turf without even setting foot on the field and Indianapolis decided to hold training camp in the middle of a fucking minefield. It’s a brand new year, with brand new football to opiate your masses.
Welcome home, you magnificent bastards.
For starters, we actually have a preseason this year. I admit that I kind of enjoyed last year’s “Fuck it, let’s just start the regular season” approach. It added spice, and we avoided the spate of Avoidable Training Camp Injuries that routinely kill at least one team’s season before it even starts. This year, each team plays three preseason games instead of the four that were played in The Beforetimes. It’s unclear how different teams will use their players under the new system– some will want their starters to tune up, others will continue to use at least one game to evaluate “bubble” players and work out depth chart issues. I anticipate Dan Campbell will use at least one game to evaluate players’ willingness and skill at kneecap-biting.
To The Game!
Dallas @ Pittsburgh: Well fuck. Yes, we have football back, but it’s a fucking dud between two of the least likeable teams in the last 4 decades.
The Non-Gendered Cowpersons (Dallas, or “NGCPs”) got rid of Jim Tomsula and kept Mike McCarthy, which is just fucking daft. DAK! Prescott has gone from loveable yogurt-shill fighting The Man for just compensation to just another coy HIPAA-citing fuckwit who is either too stupid to guard his own multi-million dollar health or too scared of alienating the seething mass of Texas shitkickers who already barely tolerate an “urban” quarterback running their beloved team. Their defense is still shit. McCarthy is apparently thinking he can outscore his own defense’s ineptness like he did at the start of last year, which will result in Prescott getting crushed into tiny boneless cubes of ham by midseason.
I wanted to love the Steelers. Mike Tomlin seems like a mostly-respectable guy. They had a 3-4 defense when everyone else was reliant on 4-3 maulers. Shittsburgh continues to trot out the corpse of Ben Roethlisberger at quarterback. The upside is that the beatings he has taken mean he is probably too slow, shambling and sore to rape anyone in a bathroom. His backups are a racist who got savagely beaten by Myles Garrett and an idiot who got savagely beaten by his wife for giving another woman $20k in gifts. The rest of the team is completely without personality, except for Watt the Younger, whose personality is Grit.
Fuckit. Any football is good football
LET’S DO THIS!
iLe. Good with knives too, like all Boricua women
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pyrCD4Nd2K0
What total asshole taught sportscasters about the term “emotional intelligence”?
Gavin Newsom annoys the shit out of me, but I’m still gonna vote against the recall. Unless of course the Cali Dems piss me off enough to abstain. I’ve already gotten an overly excited, poorly capitalized, and needlessly highlighted email urging me to donate, and seen TV ads with Elizabeth “I know better but will still say dumb populist shit” Warren urging me to “save California”
Please don’t abstain.
I won’t, but I will threaten to repeatedly
It’s a safe space!
Do you want a Republican guv appointing a senator when Feinstein keels over? Not me, I’m voting hell no to the recall. I don’t love Newsom, but it could and would be so much worse.
Steve DiSchavi, of Dead Files fame, has taken down his IG. But we do know his fiancee was whacked pretty hard by the’ rona earlier this week, about a week after visiting him in FL. She’s like 35. No vaccine.
The Travel Channel Ghost Investigation market is trés republican– shocking, I know. People were posting on his page about how they won’t get the vaccine but they are a little worried bc [insert they know someone healthier than them who died] and so they are hoping it gets under control somehow. They are in a cult.
Anyways, I expect that she is dead.
But what may be funny is if he becomes a vocal vaccine advocate and speaks out aggressively on the disservice being done to people like him by these lies being pushed. Then the cult will respond with “this man goes around and pisses off ghosts all day; some ghost killed her, not Covid because it’s not a big deal.” And then we’ll have a whole segment of the populace who just overnight believe in ghost stories and want MJG to get a committee to use Jesus’s love for America against Satan (which is anyone outside the cult, of course).
And you can all say that sounds crazy — but what about these lunatics hasn’t been?
It’s like you have a crystal ball.
All right friends, I’ve gotta get up in the morning, so I’m off to bed.
But good goddamn is it ever wonderful to sit around and chat about football and not-football with you. Doubly so when there’s actual, real football being played.
See y’all around here tomorrow and/or the next day and/or the next, etc.
Sweet dreams!
That looks like a gently used fleshlight.
It does, lol!
Go to bed, drunk.
Great life advice without the comma
DiNucci’s best strategy is to get hurt during preseason so he can scam a paycheck for another full season.
Am I hallucinating, or did he actually start a prime time game last season?
Why not both?
Del Taco dinner night is the best night! For the fries, anyway. Heading next door to Carl’s Jr for the burger.
I think there’s a Del Taco around here. Never tried it. There is a Carl’s for sure.
Were you around when I told the tale of how I got FOUR Angus steakhouse burgers for the price of one?
If you ever get the opportunity stop in Barstow while on your way to Vegas off course, at Del Taco #1. It’s on first and Main at the base of the railroad bridge and was the very first and by first I mean second Del Taco ever! Ma graduated from Barstow High in 1956 and it was THE hangout for the Barstow elite high schoolers.
For history sake the first Del Taco was in Yermo California about 12 or so miles closer to Vegas.
Del Taco #1 makes everything from scratch. No bullshit. They’re kitchen is packed with employees and they do everything right.
Little known fact, right next door to Del Taco #1 was the first and only Del Fried Chicken! They tried to expand their fledgling empire by offering a different food.
Honestly? They were really fucking good too. If you’re coming into Barstow the building for Del Fried chicken sits right next to Del Taco #1 and has been vacant for over 30 years.
“That trophy is heavier than you think it is, it’s made of like, metal or something”
“I tried to take a bite out of it and let me tell you you do not want to do that!”
Ximena Sariñana. Don’t let the title fool ya. It’s a scorcher 🔥🔥🔥
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eIOJcHyRPuY
oh my. She even tickles the ivories, much like Emily Haines. PHRASING
Is that a tusk, or are you just happy to see me?
Is it ironic if DonT is el abogado who files the restraining order?
$1,000 for initial appearance, cash or Dollar Store gift certificate.
This punter!
– British betting parlor operators, when hippo walks in
Yeah. I think we got a good ‘un. Just hope he doesn’t pull a Sepulveda.
I am FITBAW ready. Currently so lazy that I am putting off getting up to take a piss.
That’s me when I don’t want to wake up on the weekend. But then I keep having dreams about trying to find a toilet and I drag my grumpy butt to the bathroom.
oh fuck do I hate those dreams
One of those dreams got me back in the winter. Oh, what a relieving pee/dream that was.
My cat pounces at the first sign of wakefulness, and then walks back and forth on my bladder. Cats are dicks!
I wish I could get away with doing that to people during long meetings
I’m putting off a shower, although mostly for baseball.
It’s a terrible feeling, to have decided to crash, only to realize you stink too bad to sleep through it.
No spitoon? That don’t sound like The South.
Why would I pay money on a Manny Paqiao PPV when I can just go down to the local dive bar and watch a couple of old guys whale on each other after closing time for free?
As long as at least one of those guys is Filipino? None!
Yeah but odds are good that at least one of them hates gays.
how’s about MOAR lithe Latina songstresses???
Good to see Erin Andrews in mid-season form of not having any idea what the hell she’s talking about.
That’s “University” of Florida graduate Erin Andrews for ya!
“Cee Dee Lamb didn’t work much with Dak Prescott before Dak got hurt” is certainly something I would say if I hadn’t watched any Dallas football last year.
Jesus Christ, think it’s safe to say skill player depth ain’t exactly a strong suit for these two squadrons.
“Not sure what you mean. I haven’t seen such skilled waterboys since that Adam Sandler movie.” – Kevin Kline
“Skill” players
What about Skrillex players?
I will bet cash money, (to be clear, Hippo’s cash money), that Aroldis Chapman is about to give up a 3 run HR and blow the game right now.
Well, I’m clearly wrong, because Chapman would have to throw a strike for that to happen.
Jesus, I just missed calling that exactly by 15′.
is y’all in the playoffs? I have really checked out
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh fuck no. Maybe the 2nd wild card after tonight, but half the team has Covid now, and it’s only a matter of time before Aaron Boone works his magic on Rizzo and Gallo and turns them to complete crap.
Holy shit. It is 10:15 PM DFO+1?! I missed Football Live Threads.
I gotta go to bed. I’m still new at my job. It too early for me to be caught sleeping on the job.
Is it okay if I sleep at your job?
My old job, yes. The security is so lacking, you can probably move into one of the vacant offices that was built back when we were successful before the new management ran it into the ground.
Aroldis Chapman is unlikeable enough when he’s pitching well.
Watching him pitch now I just want a plane to fall out of the sky and land on his head.
That’s why I didn’t like him when he pitched for Cincy; all he does is throw fastballs with no control. When they put him in the bullpen and he realized he could survives just throwing fastballs and the occasional slider, he quit trying to get better.
His fastball control is so bad right now he couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a fucking boat.
Wow. Kudos to the Yankees Pitching Coach. In Cincy he couldn’t hit air if he fell out of a fucking plane.
“Well unless you got a fuckin’ time machine I cannot help you.” – Cory Lidle
Jason Momoa isn’t exactly what I picture Duncan Idaho to look like, but I’m optimistic it’ll work.
I did not picture Patrick Stewart as anyone in Dune. And yet here we are
Good news: my dispensable laptop is in mid-season form.
Bad news: my pop-up deletin’ is at OTA level.
Watching a commercial for USAA, which I have thanks to that all-expenses tour of Saigon my Dad got back in the mid-60’s. Half the time I call in they thank me for my service. I’ve stopped correcting them.
#MeToo
Ray Fosse has cancer, which is both unfortunate and surprising, because I though Pete Rose murdered him back in the 70’s.
?w=620
He was fair game. Clearly in the baseline.
When Rose bets $5K on a game, he will defend his bet!
Just ask what’s left of Jose Rijo’s pitching arm.
It is known 😅
It’s the ASG from when it didn’t count. So he had $10K on it.
Toaster ovens are the only way to reheat leftover fish and chips that doesn’t suck
Also pizza. And most other things, for that matter.
My wife and I are on our 3rd toaster oven in the 13 years we’ve been together, which is surprising, considering that we use it nearly every day. Efficient and incredibly useful.
Joe Buck Doesn’t even have to say anything for me to be annoyed by him
I liked Buck in Brockmire. “Jim, I’m from Florida. Of course I’ve had a finger up my ass” was a highlight.
Imagine being stuck in an elevator with that assdick.
It’s funny, because I’ve really softened my stance on Joe Buck and I no longer want to see him tortured to death in a giant contraption where rats eat his face and his body is eaten away by acid from the feet upwards.
I’m fine with “quick and painless” these days.
I agree. I have softened on him since I have heard him on a few podcasts. Now Chris Collinsworth can go away forever please.
Buck can be annoying and definitely holier-than-thou, but he’s far from the worst out there and he’s got a pretty good sense of humor about himself.
But I am with you on Collinsworth fucking off to oblivion.
If Buck would strangle Collinsworth with his own magic undies? RESPEK.
I support this message
The most terrifying play in baseball is the pitcher catching a ground ball and whirling around to throw to second.
These outbursts would be a lot funnier if they weren’t the foundation for approximately half the country’s political beliefs.
If the wanted a recess just ring the fucking buzzer! Pavlovs dog theory is that those mouthbreathers would remember that they had to go outside.
Trump’s voters are surprisingly more eloquent than their Lord and Master.
I would love to be in the middle of this crowd and be like, “HELL I HAVE COVID RIGHT NOW AND YOU DON’T SEE ME WEARING A MASK!” Just to see the reactions.
“We’re not leaving until we get a revote, of the people, by the…”
Me:
/watching the Hall of Fame game
Hey, who’s # pi? He looks halfway decent.
I done called the square root of -1
You have to feel sorry for the people who are only there for camp depth and have no chance of making the roster. They don’t even get the dignity of getting assigned a Real Number.
What’s green and uncountable?
The real lime
Ah shit, I missed the first half of the utterly pointless football game
I forgot it was the Non-Gendereds rather than the Yinzers who made some football points in the first half.
Look, we get that you are better than us, but you don’t have to rub our noses in it.
4th String QB time. Oh, how I’ve missed you.
With your offensive line it won’t be too long in the regular season either.
I still can’t believe they passed on that monster LT from Oh-ray-GAWNE
I mean, I get giving Burrows his LSU WR buddy, who’s going to be fantastic, but ya gotta be upright to throw it to him.
Yeah, no matter how fast one is, muy dificil to get separation downfield in 0.5 seconds
Does Shotgun have to be five to seven yards out? Maybe have the center snap it 15-20 yards behind the line. Give Burrow 1.2 seconds.
That would be cool as fuck. Put the QB back in punt formation every snap.
Putting the QB in punt formation just speeds up the inevitable for the Bengals.
and what if Burrow has such a head owie that he gets confused and actually punts?
I don’t think he can punt with a bad knee.
and then his leg plum flies off!!
Based on reports from Training Camp, either the Offensive Line has regressed to mid-90s levels (shudders) or the Defense has somehow gone from “Below Average” to “Their Busts are Already in Storage in Canton”.
Either way, Joe Burrow, Brandon Allen and whoever else is damned to play QB for that teams are dead men.
The Nucci!
thank fuck, I can stop watching el beisbol. I wasn’t paying attention, but the trauma remains.
I thought JR Richard was already ded?
Honestly I did as well.
For halftime, Mon Laferte 🥰😍
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PQlG1gznMBE
Nice. Shoulders. Me. Gusta.
Too hot. She can get me kicked out from my family any day.
The one advantage of the Hall of Fame game is it allows the fans of the other 30 teams to laugh at the sloppy, rusty performances before we’re subjected to it ourselves.
In honor of their dirt counterparts, the Dallas kicker kicked the ball into foul territory.
Rush must owe the Yinzer D money or sommet
Do I need to remind you that Rush is dead?
No? Well I’m gonna do it anyways. RUSH IS DEAD! ROT IN HELL YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
To also repeat, Rushbo would say “Fuck off, Rikki” but his mouth is busy blowing an infinite legion of daemons.
Aaaaaargh, kill it with fire!
Cowher looks like an OK dude. Certainly makes neck jobs less weird.
Later Folks.
Blister has been drained. I taped and cushioned the fuck out of it too.
Draining the blister is how Decilitre was made.
Damn it’s a real blister. I thought it was a metaphor!
Violent Femmes disapprove
Do we get to see if Haskins athletic gifts will overcome his dumbassery? Playing against scrubs, I’m going to say “yes.”
looking better than MAGAMason is a low bar to clear
Anyone watching the Hamilton Cat-Cats and the Winnip”eh”g Blue Bombers game?
Raises hand.
Don’t you mean ‘r”eh”ses hand’?
That’s a really dumb fucking joke. Please don’t acknowledge it.
I like big puns and I cannot lie 🎵
Probably drinking a Molson and wearing a red plaid hunter cap.
Drinking Cabernet eating Colombian chicken potato chips. Stoned.
Did I just reup in the HIppo’s ridiculous FF league with a 25 page rulebook which I have never read (and never intend to)? Yep. Why? Because I am a fucking moron with a gambling and wine addiction
No question, we have the two worst sets of keepers in the League.
I don’t know what kind of mad genetic engineering madman invented Chocolate Almonds, but their milk is quite delectable.
I have seen more than enough of Rudolph.
!!!
THERE IS A MOVIE CALLED “CAMP” THAT IS ABOUT A KID NAMED ELI WHO GOES TO CAMP!
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2371287/
The best camp movie is, of course, Wet Hot American Summer
Meatballs has gotta be up there.
This is true. I’m partial to WHAS, but Meatballs certainly has a claim to the throne.
Schindler’s List?
That was just a more accurate portrayal of going to camp. Camp fucking sucks balls.
I have a good friend who only has one testicle because he popped the other one at summer camp.
I bet he didn’t have the balls to return next year.
Not the ballS, that’s for sure!
Have you ever seen that movie Folks! with Tom Selleck?
I hated Girl Scout camp.
Something tells me the “girl scout camp” movies I’ve seen aren’t accurate portrayals of Girl Scout camp.
Not even close. I kumbayaa’d myself to the infirmary on day 2, and rode out the horror in a real bed, not a sleeping bag!
Phrasing?
Ernest Goes to Camp
Look, I know this is meaningless preseason shit between scrubs, but it’s been so long since I’ve watched anything close to football. Can the announcers pay attention to the game at least, and can they show what’s going on on the field? Fuck. No one cares about you or your stupid fucking story-lines.
Fantasy Island remake. Yes, the world needs that.
Wait, can Eli get into a bar?
Monkey bars…
Id be afraid he would have too many Shirley Temples and get a tummy ache
When he falls off, mommy puts on a Spiderman bandaid, coz Eli is a big brave boy!
yes, no more Spongebob squarepant band aids, they’re for babies
I started watching Dave on Hulu and that is some funny shit.
The Kevin Klein movie?
Nah, the series that focuses on the rapper Lil Dicky
First episode at the doctor’s office just cracked me up.
Peyton puts his sunglasses in his pocket. Fucking DORK
Surprised he didn’t pop the collar on his polo.
Or shove his ass into someone’s face
Ugh. He’s really gross, and they act like he’s a saint.
He’s the preppy kid who raped and drugged his way through life and never got arrested.
it’s not RAPE if the Sherriff noes ur Dad smh